Day 5: Feeling down

“Everybody hurts sometimes…”


So I’m 5 days into injecting myself with Buserelin and I’m feeling sort of down in the dumps. I’m not sure whether this is because of the Buserelin, or because I’m due to have my period in a few days, or because I’m away from home working on a really tough project. 

Maybe it’s all of the above.

I think it doesn’t help that I have periods from hell so I usually feel pretty nasty for, oh, maybe half a month. I don’t think I really mind injecting the Buserelin because at least it feels like I’m doing something active… that maybe something is actually going to happen. But also I don’t want to get my hopes up because I’ve done that in the past and it’s easier not to hope for anything, because then you won’t feel disappointed.

In terms of practicalities, it seems to be working okay. I had to think slightly about how much medication, how many syringes and needles to bring with me. I brought a new bottle of Buserelin as I wasn’t sure there would be enough in the first one to last. (There probably would, but I’m terrible at maths.) I ummed and ahhed about whether to bring the sharps bin, but I decided to leave it. For one thing, I have to take my stuff into the office on the first day, and that thing rattles about like a mofo. Questions would be asked! For another thing, the needles aren’t ever exposed. I brought a heavy duty bag (that doesn’t rattle) to put them in (with caps on, obvs) and will transfer them to the sharps bin when I get home. It wouldn’t do for everyone to be discussing it in the office. 

Which brings me to the question: Who do you tell? It’s a little bit ironic (see my last post, haha) that I’m putting this out there on the web but I haven’t even told my friends or family about it. It’s just too big a thing, I think… I don’t want to have to explain every time I see them or speak with them that I’m still not pregnant. I know they’d start asking all the time and that would be even worse than the times people ask without knowing. 

I have some pretty great people in my life (most of them are, really, because if they’re not, I tend not to stay in touch with them!). I’ve talked to some friends about fertility treatment in general, but not really in specifics and dates and things. So many of them are happily fertile, currently pregnant or mothers, that it would just be a pity party for one. Which seems the wrong way to approach it. Right now I still feel hopeful about things because I don’t think that it’s over till it’s over!

It’s weird because I feel quite que sera sera about things sometimes. I really am happy with our little family of 2.5 (*animal counts as 0.5!) and sometimes I wonder whether the drive to have a human baby is really worth it. I think if you can have a good primary relationship and you love and trust each other as part of a couple then that’s more than many people ever have. We talk about it sometimes and we say, well… We could be happy with just us. We are happy.

So we aren’t going into fertility treatment thinking this is a last resort or a panacea. I think we are realistic (as far as individuals can be at applying statistics to a population of themselves) and hopeful (because you always want to think you’re the exception and something good’s going to happen for you). We’ve both been pretty lucky in our lives so there’s no reason for it to stop now. 


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