You don’t know how lucky you are

You really don’t.

Every time I hear people complain about “trying for another” I just think OMG you already have one, why are you complaining? What does it matter? You already have one… You’re lucky! Be happy with your one awesome child!

I really don’t get why secondary infertility is such a big deal.

kylie

I should be so lucky!

I’m not trying to upset anyone here. I’m sure it is painful and saddening in its own way and I’m sorry if you’re going through it. But… You’ve already borne one child. You already have a baby! If you have another one then that’s like hitting the jackpot – you’ve already won the lottery once!

It reminds me of the super-insensitive friend I had who told me that she “knew” exactly what infertility felt like… with her two children!!! (She tried for less than a year. I’ve not had a sniff of anything for about 15!)

Maybe I need to get educated or something and maybe I just don’t understand how awful it is. But what I wouldn’t give to be one of those *mothers* complaining about secondary infertility.

I’ve got primary infertility (if there is such a thing). I’ve never had a pregnancy. I’ve never had a baby. I don’t know if I ever will. And I would be perfectly happy to be one of those mothers wishing for another baby.

I’d be perfectly happy with one.

 

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8 comments

  1. Me Here

    Ah thank you. I am sorry if I sound bitter… I am just mega frustrated with people complaining about stuff when they have it right there! I think if I had one, I’d be happy… I’d probably like to try for another but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if it didn’t happen. I’d actually prefer one to lavish my love and attention on, as I’d probably be bad at dividing it! 🙂

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  2. In Pursuit of a Family

    I’ve definitely felt this way before. I’ve had a few people vent to me about their secondary infertility as well and I often wish that I was lucky enough to have had even just one child easily. It sucks to have to go through IVF/infertility at all, but I would MUCH rather be going through it as a mother than as someone wondering if I will ever get to be one. I think anyone would agree with that. I want a child more than anything, and I think that if ever I have one I will be so grateful, but I have always wanted more than that. I loved growing up with siblings and I never wanted to have an only child. And then I have those moments where I am so terrified we will never even have one that I feel selfish for even THINKING about wanting more.

    When others have shared their struggle with secondary infertility I now try to look at it from the perspective that if I had a miracle child, there would still be a part of my heart that would feel the loss of not being able to have another. I would still feel the loss of my child not having a sibling. It would absolutely be much easier for me to accept than the loss of being childless, but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t hurt, if that makes sense?

    Some of us have struggled right from the get-go. We know this loss very well and we hurt over all the things we might never get to experience. For the women who did not initially struggle, they have already experienced some of these things… so they are kind of caught off guard by this kind of loss and they hurt over the experiences they may never get to have again. Plus, just like we are watching those “Fertile Myrtles” popping out kid after adorable kid and wishing for that lucky, they are too. It’s similar in a way but also very different. The term “infertility” is used as kind of a catch-all even though it can mean all different things: women who have no trouble getting pregnant but experience recurrent miscarriages AND women who have never been pregnant for a day in their life. Women who are childless and can’t conceive AND women who have children and can’t conceive again. Okay, so maybe this is a terrible example, but I am in a lot of chronic pain today so my mind is fuzzy and I can’t think of anything better, but… in a similar way, for the people who are diagnosed with cancer, it can mean very different things. Some people have cancer that requires surgery and then it never comes back again while others (like my grandpa) are diagnosed with stage 4 of the worst brain tumor you can have and are gone in a few months. They both have cancer even though it’s very different. But for the one who has the kind of cancer that is easily treated, it’s still cancer. I don’t begrudge anyone who is going through cancer their feelings of hurt or fear over it, even though I wish my grandpa had been “lucky” enough to have the easily treatable kind.

    I know I’ve written a ton and I really, really hope you don’t take this in the wrong way like I am calling you out or something. That is most definitely not my intention. Truthfully, I have had ALL these same thoughts that you have shared. And I won’t lie and say I’m not jealous of people with secondary infertility for already being able to have a child, I totally am. But, I have been thinking about this a lot lately and this is what I have come up with so I thought I would share it with you because it has really helped me deal with the “primary”/secondary thing. Now, as for your friend who tried less than a year and has two children– I’ve got nothing to say about that 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Ah, bless you for the explanation! I think you’re right. Everyone’s fighting their own battle and who am I to judge it? I would never say it to anyone’s face of course! It’s more of a random rant/vent thing online and I wouldn’t ever want to presume that I know what anyone else is going through. I’m just a bit of a moaner really!
      I appreciate the time you took to comment, and I will try to be more patient with those complaints in future! 🙂

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      • In Pursuit of a Family

        I can definitely understand. I need those times to vent/rant too. I felt bad after commenting because I know we all just have days when we want to say whatever we think or feel, and I didn’t want to take that away from you! I just thought I’d share some conclusions that I’ve come to through my own venting and thoughts. I will say though, that I do wish that those with secondary infertility would be more sensitive in general toward us “primaries”– because what you’ve said is completely true and it is different when you don’t have any children.
        Anyway, I hope I didn’t offend you! ❤

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      • Nara

        Oh gosh of course not! I’m not easily offended (I hope!) and I find it interesting to hear other people’s thoughts and opinions. Don’t ever feel worried about posting comments on my blog! X

        Liked by 1 person

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