This is more of a rant/vent than part of the IVF experience as such, but I just wanted to say:
I’m so angry (or maybe more upset, frustrated) at the world today. There’s a number of reasons but really I think it’s just a perfect storm.
It’s day 4 – the day before embryo transfer. I have to go and get the embryos implanted tomorrow. This should be a really nice time… A relaxing and hopeful and happy shared experience with T.
But instead I’m working 18hr days on the project from hell. I don’t actually get much shared experience with T. I’m staying in a hotel and sleeping 4 hours a night in a city 3 hours away. I’m on my way back now just so I can do the transfer tomorrow morning. This evening I have to work until about midnight – 1am and I won’t get a good night’s sleep as I have to get up and work before going to hospital for the transfer.
I’m feeling tired, emotional, I have horrible symptoms (the ones which are bothering me the most are the massive swollen stomach, horrible sore swollen boobs and spots), my team working for me are really stressed and on the verge of tears by constantly changing project demands and I don’t have any time to spend with T. If I’m at home like I will be tonight, I’ll be working until I go to bed.
This is not how it should be.
I’ve also been reading some stuff on adoption which I came across from starting this blog. I think it has kind of opened up some unprocessed feelings for me and I just feel angry. Particularly about ignorant people making horrible comments about adoption and adults who were adopted having their opinions invalidated. That infuriates me.
And maybe also the whole concept of possible biological relatives (through IVF) makes me think about all those things too. It makes me feel really angry almost(?) that I have to go through all of this bio/racial identity stuff. I don’t know anyone in the world I’m biologically related to. In that sense I am categorically as related to my dog (who’s “adopted”) as much as I am to any human, as much as I am to my partner and my family. There is literally no categorical difference – I am not biologically related to any of them.
Maybe it’s the hormones having a bad effect. Maybe it’s the pressure of a crazy long hours high stress lots of travel job. Maybe it’s the stress of going through infertility and IVF.
All I know is: Day 4 is meant to be the “relax” day and I feel anything but relaxed.