Day 43: Tired of all this!

2 days post transfer

  

I think I am being a Debbie Downer today.

I found out that my project-from-hell is extending into next week and possibly the week after… and even if it wasn’t, it’s supposed to be finishing today so it would always be a bad day today, trying to get stuff finished up. The real problem is that we are being expected to work something like 18 hours a day, and weekends, so it means that we’re all exhausted. I’m feeling delirious from tiredness half the time.

On the IVF side… Well, I just don’t feel any different. It’s not that I’m super hopeful of success. I’m realistic. I just don’t feel different and I would have thought I would if anything had happened. I have a feeling our little T has just stopped incubating. I don’t need anyone to say “Oh you never know” or anything like that… I’m not expecting validation. It’s just I feel a bit empty and exhausted and I don’t think I even have the energy to put into hoping.

I feel super resentful about work. I don’t want to be like this but I think when we are so knackered we just let down our defences and I can’t keep pretending to be positive when I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. The idea that I have to work on this cursed project way after it was meant to be finished is just so depressing. I got home from out of town at 21:30 last night which means I didn’t eat till late and then just sat there and worked till 01:30. Eventually got to sleep around 2 and then had to get up at 05:30. And it’s been like that 6 days a week for the past 13 weeks. That’s just soul destroying. The people I’m working for are so unappreciative of this as well, and it’s a point of pride for them to see that we are all on the point of collapse. A lot of the time I just feel like crying. Trying to deal with that as well as the thoughts and feelings about IVF – I just don’t have time to process it. And that’s not to mention my second job which I have barely had time to do and am probably going to get into trouble about next week.

If we do a second cycle then I think I’m just going to try and take a month off work! Even if it was unpaid. I don’t think it’s feasible to keep on like this.

Sorry to be such a downer. I want this blog to be honest about the IVF experience. I’m exhausted. I’m sure I’ll feel more human after the bank holiday when I actually get some sleep.

Zzzz 

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13 comments

  1. Jein

    Reading this makes me very sad and upset. There’s no wonder you are exhausted. I don’t know you, and please don’t take this the wrong way… I mean work/career is an important thing in person’s life, but it should not be more important than your health. I have seen it happening to couple of my close friends that they have literally worked themselves sick: heart attack at the age of 35, and mental breakdown that took long time to heal, etc.

    I got myself a lesson almost 20 years ago, when I was in the university, and on the summer break I was working like crazy to earn money for the next semesters. Long story short: I worked too long hours too long, and one day collapsed at work. I was taken to hospital, and were told by an older woman that “nobody’s irreplaceable”. At that time I thought that “what a bitch! Not a very nice thing to say! And who’s is she telling me that?” But the truth is, she was right. Nobody’s irreplaceable when it comes to work. BUT you are irreplaceable for your family and friends.

    And you are not only working crazy, and having only four hours of sleep a night, you are doing an IVF at the same time! That is a hell of burden physically and emotionally, no matter how strong you are. Please, take care of yourself.

    And apologies for this long, and direct comment. xx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Nara

      Hey… I appreciate your comment and the fact that you’re caring about some person all the way across the blogosphere! I actually managed to get some rest this weekend – it’s been crazy lately so it’s been so difficult to do. I know it’s dumb to spend all the time at work but I think it’s just a part of my job right now, and whilst I’d love to quit, I think it would be even more stressful not to have any money coming in! So I’m not going to do that just yet. I am trying to take more time for myself though. And I had a really good rest over the weekend. So a lot more than 4hrs sleep a night! Even last night I got about 6-7 so that was great! Thank you for caring and thanks for the advice… I will do my best to slow down!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jein

        Oh, I’m glad to hear that you had a relaxing weekend, and a chance to catch up on sleep! And glad you’re back blogging! 🙂 It is hard not to care about other people going through IVF or other fertility treatments when one has firsthand experience about it. xx

        Like

  2. notabroodychick

    If you don’t feel you can talk to your boss, can you talk to someone from HR? The hours you do are ridiculous at the best of times, but especially so considering everything else going on. I know you have a high powered job that expects a lot, but your health and well bring are more important. If you end up burnt out you are no good to them. Any good employer knows people need a work life balance to stay sane but also to produce the best at work.. The more tired and drained you are, is not also doing them any favours. Stress is also shown to have negative impact on IVF success. Perhaps it is time to look elsewhere? I would stake a lot that you can find a similar job for a more understanding and “human” company. I know because I’ve done similar moves in the past. Sometimes it can feel daunting to talk to your boss or hr but the results can be surprising and for the positive. I hope you are lucky enough to get your BFP, but if not a change in jobs or a month off would stand you in a much better position next time.

    Like

    • Nara

      Yeah, I hear you. I was definitely getting towards breaking point last week but at least it has calmed down this week. We’re still working on the project but the deadline has passed so we have a bit of breathing space. I’m hoping this means I can get back to some normal hours and actually get some sleep. And it’s nice to spend time with my partner and just hang out without being tired/horrible looking all the time! (I mean sweatpants and eye bags are not a good look!) I think I will definitely try and take time off for the next IVF cycle if it comes to that. By the time this one came along (we don’t get any notice) I had already been working on the project for a while and so I couldn’t then extract myself. But I will definitely try to line something up for the next one. Thanks for the advice! (Oh and I won’t be talking to HR in my company… Let’s just say women’s issues aren’t top of their agenda!)

      Like

  3. workingwomensivf

    Working in s high pressure job and doing IVF is so tough but it sounds like your job is beyond ridiculous. I think taking a month off for your next round is a great idea if you can’t find a way you can get some balance. Xx

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you! I am definitely up for that, although not sure I could afford a month off! I did finally manage to pay down some debt (and promptly ordered a load of new work clothes, haha) so maybe I can try and save some more and take a longer time off. It’s amazing how much difference sleep makes! 🙂

      Like

    • Nara

      That is AWFUL! Were you in the UK? I think it would be illegal to do that in the UK although I’m not taking any chances. I haven’t told anyone at work and don’t intend to. In terms of my job… Taking the odd hour out for appointments isn’t a big deal as I work about double my contracted hours every week anyway. If I ever manage to get pregnant then I won’t tell them until I absolutely have to. As in, when the cervix is dilated! 😉

      Like

      • Nara

        That is awful!! I can’t believe they can actually do that. They’d have a tough time doing that here in the UK – but they can make it pretty difficult.

        Umm… head popping out? ;P

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Day 47: Feeling more human (but not pregnant) | From zero to zygote

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