2 days post transfer
I think I am being a Debbie Downer today.
I found out that my project-from-hell is extending into next week and possibly the week after… and even if it wasn’t, it’s supposed to be finishing today so it would always be a bad day today, trying to get stuff finished up. The real problem is that we are being expected to work something like 18 hours a day, and weekends, so it means that we’re all exhausted. I’m feeling delirious from tiredness half the time.
On the IVF side… Well, I just don’t feel any different. It’s not that I’m super hopeful of success. I’m realistic. I just don’t feel different and I would have thought I would if anything had happened. I have a feeling our little T has just stopped incubating. I don’t need anyone to say “Oh you never know” or anything like that… I’m not expecting validation. It’s just I feel a bit empty and exhausted and I don’t think I even have the energy to put into hoping.
I feel super resentful about work. I don’t want to be like this but I think when we are so knackered we just let down our defences and I can’t keep pretending to be positive when I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. The idea that I have to work on this cursed project way after it was meant to be finished is just so depressing. I got home from out of town at 21:30 last night which means I didn’t eat till late and then just sat there and worked till 01:30. Eventually got to sleep around 2 and then had to get up at 05:30. And it’s been like that 6 days a week for the past 13 weeks. That’s just soul destroying. The people I’m working for are so unappreciative of this as well, and it’s a point of pride for them to see that we are all on the point of collapse. A lot of the time I just feel like crying. Trying to deal with that as well as the thoughts and feelings about IVF – I just don’t have time to process it. And that’s not to mention my second job which I have barely had time to do and am probably going to get into trouble about next week.
If we do a second cycle then I think I’m just going to try and take a month off work! Even if it was unpaid. I don’t think it’s feasible to keep on like this.
Sorry to be such a downer. I want this blog to be honest about the IVF experience. I’m exhausted. I’m sure I’ll feel more human after the bank holiday when I actually get some sleep.