Day 54: Clearer-blue

Just for continuity, I decided to replicate the not-so-Clearblue test this morning, as a control, because I like to think of myself as vaguely scientific and slightly irrational, before informing the doctor. It was a lot clearer this time… I think this is a safe cross! Whoop whoop. This was at 04:30 this morning as I tend to wake up at various times during the night and need the loo. T of course was delighted to be woken up at that time with the good news!

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I’m now feeling very worried about things as I’ve read up on chemical pregnancies and so on, and I’m not sure what to expect, and I want to know when we can be into the “safe” (ish) stage.

I know it probably sounds really pathetic but I’ve never been pregnant before and I don’t know what it should feel like. I don’t even know what to expect in terms of appointments, because I’m that kind of pessimistic realistic person who wasn’t expecting anything to work. I mean, I’m hopeful obviously or we wouldn’t try doing it. But I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed. So I haven’t even looked into what to expect. I had to look up the piece of paper they gave us after transfer and it says if we have a positive test then we go in for an early scan in 2-3 weeks. I’m guessing you can’t see anything at that time? We’re just supposed to email them and let them know the result of the test. And carry on using the Crinone gel… lovely. I’ve no idea what to expect though. I’ve never got this far before. I mean I’ve never even really suspected I’ve been pregnant before.

I read this stuff when people are upset because they haven’t gotten pregnant in a year, and I think mine has been at least 15 years… Perhaps I should have gotten upset sooner? Have I screwed up somehow? I just kind of always assumed it was a problem that couldn’t be fixed. (I’ve been lucky that it’s just very long term unexplained infertility and I’ve never lost a pregnancy – I’ve just never been pregnant.) Maybe this is why I don’t feel the same sort of grief as some people seem to on their blogs… I am not denigrating their experience at all; just trying to explain how I feel about it. Like to me all this is a nice bonus and not a life or death situation. I still would like to think that I could have a happy life without children, but whilst we’re in with a chance, I’ll give it my best shot.

I had a nice day off yesterday (Test Day! And again!). It was so nice to chill out and not have to do a load of stuff. Although I did do quite a lot! Went to the mall after all the drama over the pregnancy test. I ended up buying lots of them! (Thanks Arwen!) I have used the digital one which I posted yesterday, and the Clearblue cross one I used again today. I don’t think those ones are that great but it was good as a control and to see it had changed since yesterday. I also have the First Response ones which I’ll maybe use tomorrow(!) or something. I guess I should probably stop using one a day! It makes me feel a bit better that something might actually be there. I wonder how often you’re supposed to test?!

I also got some clothes, including some “sitting around the house” pants with anchors on* which I said to T were some additional pregnancy pants. To be fair, I do pretty much strip off when I get in, and put on something more comfortable. Usually some very baggy pants and a sweatshirt with pizza and hotdogs on it. (Cartoons of my favourite foods, not actual food… That would be a bit gross.) I just like to relax when I get in. Take the bra off! Seriously, those puppies are getting huge. I think it’s the Crinone gel which if I understand correctly is supposed to make your boobs bigger and some other stuff. Who knows. Either way I would rather not have these humunga-boobs. (I prefer not to know too much about what’s happening as then I don’t worry a load. But maybe I should look up something!)

(*I pretty much have 3 themes when it comes to clothes: Black – for work; nautical – for smart-ish casual; cartoon animals – for play. I’ve terrible dress sense. Let’s just agree that right now and be done with it.)

I’ve also had this weird metallic taste in my mouth. I don’t know if it’s actually metallic. Maybe it’s the folic acid I’ve been taking. I don’t know. It feels a bit weird. I’ve felt a bit sick but I’m not sure if that’s just some sort of wishful thinking pregnancy-symptom-sympathy or whether it’s an actual symptom. I don’t think it comes on this early. I also have a swollen stomach and generally feel periody, so I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad sign either. I’m not trying to second guess symptoms too much, but I would really like not to start my period!

Anyway my pregnancy-ish mood* meant that I went and spent a load of money in the mall – my reason being that I don’t often get a day off and I generally feel like I should spend that with Dog and T, and not going around shopping. I don’t shop that often because I’m usually walking around the place with an excitable furry thing (and for some reason London isn’t very dog friendly – boo!). I had an unsuccessful attempt at ASOS last week – never again – well, not until I grow a foot. Every single thing I ordered was mega long! How I wish I was tall and willowy but I’m not. I think I’m probably better in shops where I can try stuff on. And realise “Gosh I am really no Angelina Jolie” and reach for the sweatpants.

(*This is my excuse for everything from now on. I had a bacon sandwich this morning and told T that it must be a craving rather than sheer greed.)

I ended up going to H&M and getting some lounge pants (the anchor ones above and some others which are probably a bit questionable! but you can’t have too many lounge pants!) and Uniqlo (made for short people like me) where I got a few dresses and skirts – useful stuff for work. It’s boring but it makes me feel better to have stuff I can wear to work rather than feeling I have to cycle round the same 3 dresses. I’ve put on a lot of weight over the last year or two (half of it is Happy Weight, and I was probably underweight to begin with through relationship breakdown etc) but half of it is probably just having a quite unhealthy working-late eating-late lifestyle. I would like to get away from that and be a bit healthier, but I love pizza! Pizza is magic.

Also ended up getting a new phone because my last one has carked it. (I don’t think this is a very interesting update really but I’m trying to demonstrate the breadth of my trip to the mall.) I went into a shop and bought a phone. How very grown up of me! The girl there had just started so was sooo happy to have sold a phone on her first day! It was very sweet. I decided to pay for the whole thing and go for a SIM only pay-as-you-go thing as it’s actually cheaper, although it seems nuts when you spend that much in one go. I’m literally (okay not literally) surgically attached to my phone. My current phone has decided not to play ball any more and it’s distressing. How am I supposed to live my life! Well I’ve finally managed to pay off some debts (T is a sensible type and thinks we should have no debts before having a bub, whereas I’m a spender) so I thought I have enough to pay for it. Anyway I got given a new number as I’ve switched networks. It looks like a really nice number! But I’ve had my number since 1999 and so I was weighing up whether to switch it or not. I’m thinking not. Although I do like the look of the new number. But if you’ve had something for 16 years, maybe you should just stick with it…

We had a nice date night swanky meal last night. It was at a funny restaurant at the top of a hotel and you can see out over London. I’ve been working so much lately that it was really nice just to go out on a date! Also I felt less guilty at leaving Dog at home as I’d been home with him a lot of the day. It was nice just to spend time together in a non IVF / sitting on the sofa watching DVDs setting! I suppose it was supposed to be a commiserations meal as I would have drunk loads of champagne if it had been a negative test yesterday. As it turned out, we decided not to drink, which made the bill a lot cheaper! Imagine if I have to spend 9 months not drinking!! Eek. I mean, I’m British… It’s what we do. I’ve found it okay not to drink so far but I haven’t been in a social situation where I’ll be expected to drink. T says just to take the glass and pretend to drink and nobody will notice. If we make it that far, I don’t want to tell anyone we’re pregnant until it’s a done deal, ie when I’m very very obviously pregnant, about 6 months! I wonder if we will make it.

It almost seems too easy… Like something has to go wrong now. We’ve been through all the IVF process and it seems almost unfathomable that we could be the 25-30% of couples it works for. There were 12 couples in our “intake” (like school! We all did the IVF orientation / info session on the same day) so that means out of all 12 there should be 2-3 couples who it worked for.

Could it be us?

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21 comments

  1. Arwen

    Ok firstly, YAY! That’s a good looking line!
    Secondly, Totally understand the chemical fears. I think this bit is one of the hardest bits, just waiting for the early scan and trying to believe there’s something still in there. I wanted to get my SIL to test every day but I felt too crazy so I was forced to chill out. ha! You’ll be surprised how much you can see at 6/7 weeks! A heartbeat in what looks like a curled up grain of rice in a bubble! That’s what we saw at 6w1d. By 7 weeks it looked like an alien head, haha.
    Thirdly, sickness can apparently strike surprisingly early (who knew!)! My SIL felt nausea before we even tested, by test day she was barely able to eat anything. Hoping it gets worse for you, that certainly helped my anxiety, I felt kinda mean hoping she would just barf but it made me feel better!!
    Finally, after SIL tested positive I was like “what the actual fuck do we do now!?” I had never actually let myself research post + test because of being a pessimist/realist so had absolutely no idea! Still don’t really but we’re getting there!
    P.S YAY!!! Congrats!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nara

    Thank you!! I think it’s a weird way to feel. I never thought I would really get here (ye of little faith) and I think that’s why I’m a bit flummoxed by it all.
    I mean I don’t even know how many weeks it works out at!! I’m that dumb! Transfer was on the 20th so really it’s only 2 weeks. Actually, less than 2 weeks. (Why did they tell us to test yesterday when it’s less than 2 weeks? Is it because it was a day 5 transfer? I don’t understand these things!)
    It would be really cool to get to the scan… As far as we could see last time it was just like looking like a blank TV screen! They kept pointing things out to us and we were just like, “oooh, yes” and looking at each other thinking we’ve no idea what they were pointing at. Haha.
    I feel weirdly a bit sick, not like I’m going to throw up but certainly different from normal. I’m really very rarely sick though so hopefully that’s a good sign, or not a bad sign.
    I guess we’re just meant to sit around and wait to be called to the doctor then?!
    PS Thank you! 🙂

    Like

    • Arwen

      Our test day was 12 days past 5 day transfer and at that point we were 4 weeks 3 days pregnant so the day of egg retrieval (or the day before the embryo thaw in our case) counting as day 0 or 2 weeks pregnant. Insane stuff!
      Call your doc! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        Thank you for chivvying me! Got an appointment eventually with the GP and we have an early scan in a couple of weeks. So that’s exciting if we can make it there!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    I am so excited for you! The chemical fears and/or miscarriage fears are totally normal! Statistically you shouldn’t have one, but there is always a chance unfortunately. My advice, as lame as it might be, until you have reason to suspect something is wrong try to carry on like normal. I know, totally horrible advice, but it’s all I’ve got. 🙂
    Also, I’m glad you got a new phone! And enjoyed your day off with T.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Aww thank you. I guess I’m just worried as it’s never happened before. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel like. Tired from lack of caffeine! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. libraryowl33

    Ok, on the testing yesterday thing… since you did a 5 day transfer, that is 4 or 5 days past ovulation, which puts yesterday at 15 or 16 days past ovulation, which is when we normally test. Make sense?
    And…. Congrats again. I think it’s normal to worry that we haven’t worried enough. Try to relax for the moment and enjoy that you are indeed pregnant right now. Definitely call your dr today and let them know, as they may want to do a blood test to confirm your HPT.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. thecommonostrich

    Oh, my dear Nara… I felt the exact same way. I went back to my post about when I got my positive test, and it’s all there. The disbelief, the lingering worry that something else might go wrong… As much as “statistics prove!” anything here, remember that statistically you’ve been through enough. You aren’t “lucky” IVF worked on the first try. You had 15 years of IF before that, and that is not lucky. That sucks, and this might just be the point where all the sucking stops.

    Now that I’m done rambling, here’s my point: At some point (whenever you’re ready) stop googling and start paying attention to what your body is doing. Do you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Aww thank you. I haven’t been googling very much. I don’t trust if! That said, I don’t trust my body either! 😉
      I really like how you put it. Scuse brief typing but am on device and it’s slow!

      Like

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