Day 54: Clearer-blue

Just for continuity, I decided to replicate the not-so-Clearblue test this morning, as a control, because I like to think of myself as vaguely scientific and slightly irrational, before informing the doctor. It was a lot clearer this time… I think this is a safe cross! Whoop whoop. This was at 04:30 this morning as I tend to wake up at various times during the night and need the loo. T of course was delighted to be woken up at that time with the good news!

 

I’m now feeling very worried about things as I’ve read up on chemical pregnancies and so on, and I’m not sure what to expect, and I want to know when we can be into the “safe” (ish) stage.

I know it probably sounds really pathetic but I’ve never been pregnant before and I don’t know what it should feel like. I don’t even know what to expect in terms of appointments, because I’m that kind of pessimistic realistic person who wasn’t expecting anything to work. I mean, I’m hopeful obviously or we wouldn’t try doing it. But I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed. So I haven’t even looked into what to expect. I had to look up the piece of paper they gave us after transfer and it says if we have a positive test then we go in for an early scan in 2-3 weeks. I’m guessing you can’t see anything at that time? We’re just supposed to email them and let them know the result of the test. And carry on using the Crinone gel… lovely. I’ve no idea what to expect though. I’ve never got this far before. I mean I’ve never even really suspected I’ve been pregnant before.

I read this stuff when people are upset because they haven’t gotten pregnant in a year, and I think mine has been at least 15 years… Perhaps I should have gotten upset sooner? Have I screwed up somehow? I just kind of always assumed it was a problem that couldn’t be fixed. (I’ve been lucky that it’s just very long term unexplained infertility and I’ve never lost a pregnancy – I’ve just never been pregnant.) Maybe this is why I don’t feel the same sort of grief as some people seem to on their blogs… I am not denigrating their experience at all; just trying to explain how I feel about it. Like to me all this is a nice bonus and not a life or death situation. I still would like to think that I could have a happy life without children, but whilst we’re in with a chance, I’ll give it my best shot.

I had a nice day off yesterday (Test Day! And again!). It was so nice to chill out and not have to do a load of stuff. Although I did do quite a lot! Went to the mall after all the drama over the pregnancy test. I ended up buying lots of them! (Thanks Arwen!) I have used the digital one which I posted yesterday, and the Clearblue cross one I used again today. I don’t think those ones are that great but it was good as a control and to see it had changed since yesterday. I also have the First Response ones which I’ll maybe use tomorrow(!) or something. I guess I should probably stop using one a day! It makes me feel a bit better that something might actually be there. I wonder how often you’re supposed to test?!

I also got some clothes, including some “sitting around the house” pants with anchors on* which I said to T were some additional pregnancy pants. To be fair, I do pretty much strip off when I get in, and put on something more comfortable. Usually some very baggy pants and a sweatshirt with pizza and hotdogs on it. (Cartoons of my favourite foods, not actual food… That would be a bit gross.) I just like to relax when I get in. Take the bra off! Seriously, those puppies are getting huge. I think it’s the Crinone gel which if I understand correctly is supposed to make your boobs bigger and some other stuff. Who knows. Either way I would rather not have these humunga-boobs. (I prefer not to know too much about what’s happening as then I don’t worry a load. But maybe I should look up something!)

(*I pretty much have 3 themes when it comes to clothes: Black – for work; nautical – for smart-ish casual; cartoon animals – for play. I’ve terrible dress sense. Let’s just agree that right now and be done with it.)

I’ve also had this weird metallic taste in my mouth. I don’t know if it’s actually metallic. Maybe it’s the folic acid I’ve been taking. I don’t know. It feels a bit weird. I’ve felt a bit sick but I’m not sure if that’s just some sort of wishful thinking pregnancy-symptom-sympathy or whether it’s an actual symptom. I don’t think it comes on this early. I also have a swollen stomach and generally feel periody, so I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad sign either. I’m not trying to second guess symptoms too much, but I would really like not to start my period!

Anyway my pregnancy-ish mood* meant that I went and spent a load of money in the mall – my reason being that I don’t often get a day off and I generally feel like I should spend that with Dog and T, and not going around shopping. I don’t shop that often because I’m usually walking around the place with an excitable furry thing (and for some reason London isn’t very dog friendly – boo!). I had an unsuccessful attempt at ASOS last week – never again – well, not until I grow a foot. Every single thing I ordered was mega long! How I wish I was tall and willowy but I’m not. I think I’m probably better in shops where I can try stuff on. And realise “Gosh I am really no Angelina Jolie” and reach for the sweatpants.

(*This is my excuse for everything from now on. I had a bacon sandwich this morning and told T that it must be a craving rather than sheer greed.)

I ended up going to H&M and getting some lounge pants (the anchor ones above and some others which are probably a bit questionable! but you can’t have too many lounge pants!) and Uniqlo (made for short people like me) where I got a few dresses and skirts – useful stuff for work. It’s boring but it makes me feel better to have stuff I can wear to work rather than feeling I have to cycle round the same 3 dresses. I’ve put on a lot of weight over the last year or two (half of it is Happy Weight, and I was probably underweight to begin with through relationship breakdown etc) but half of it is probably just having a quite unhealthy working-late eating-late lifestyle. I would like to get away from that and be a bit healthier, but I love pizza! Pizza is magic.

Also ended up getting a new phone because my last one has carked it. (I don’t think this is a very interesting update really but I’m trying to demonstrate the breadth of my trip to the mall.) I went into a shop and bought a phone. How very grown up of me! The girl there had just started so was sooo happy to have sold a phone on her first day! It was very sweet. I decided to pay for the whole thing and go for a SIM only pay-as-you-go thing as it’s actually cheaper, although it seems nuts when you spend that much in one go. I’m literally (okay not literally) surgically attached to my phone. My current phone has decided not to play ball any more and it’s distressing. How am I supposed to live my life! Well I’ve finally managed to pay off some debts (T is a sensible type and thinks we should have no debts before having a bub, whereas I’m a spender) so I thought I have enough to pay for it. Anyway I got given a new number as I’ve switched networks. It looks like a really nice number! But I’ve had my number since 1999 and so I was weighing up whether to switch it or not. I’m thinking not. Although I do like the look of the new number. But if you’ve had something for 16 years, maybe you should just stick with it…

We had a nice date night swanky meal last night. It was at a funny restaurant at the top of a hotel and you can see out over London. I’ve been working so much lately that it was really nice just to go out on a date! Also I felt less guilty at leaving Dog at home as I’d been home with him a lot of the day. It was nice just to spend time together in a non IVF / sitting on the sofa watching DVDs setting! I suppose it was supposed to be a commiserations meal as I would have drunk loads of champagne if it had been a negative test yesterday. As it turned out, we decided not to drink, which made the bill a lot cheaper! Imagine if I have to spend 9 months not drinking!! Eek. I mean, I’m British… It’s what we do. I’ve found it okay not to drink so far but I haven’t been in a social situation where I’ll be expected to drink. T says just to take the glass and pretend to drink and nobody will notice. If we make it that far, I don’t want to tell anyone we’re pregnant until it’s a done deal, ie when I’m very very obviously pregnant, about 6 months! I wonder if we will make it.

It almost seems too easy… Like something has to go wrong now. We’ve been through all the IVF process and it seems almost unfathomable that we could be the 25-30% of couples it works for. There were 12 couples in our “intake” (like school! We all did the IVF orientation / info session on the same day) so that means out of all 12 there should be 2-3 couples who it worked for.

Could it be us?