I think I’m carrying a pizza baby.
It’s day 56 and according to the fertility friends IVF calculator I’m 4 weeks, 6 days pregnant. That is mindboggling.
I don’t know how to distinguish the symptoms I have as being specifically related to pregnancy versus just being me (ie a bit weird).
Firstly, I’ve been overwhelmingly tired. I mean really tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. I’ve just wanted to sleep and I actually feel verging on comatose and I don’t know why. Now that my project-from-hell is coming to an end, my hours of work have evened out a bit and I’m able to sleep and travel less so I should be able to feel a lot less tired. But I feel exhausted.
It might be to do with the fact that I haven’t had any coffee for a bit. Actually after the transfer I asked whether I could drink coffee and they said it was fine in moderation. I usually have a double espresso when I wake up or when I get to work (and sometimes a black Americano) because I sleep about 4hrs a night when I’m working really hard. But then I consulted Dr Google (the quack!) and found out that it’s generally recommended not to drink caffeine and if so no more than 200mg or something which equates to 1 espresso or a small black Americano, and also that there’s caffeine in chocolate (one of my main food groups) and I thought there is no point in risking miscarriage if I can just stop drinking coffee for a bit. Minor annoyance is I’ve bought a load of new Nespresso capsules, but quite frankly that’s #firstworldproblems in comparison to being pregnant after 15 years of infertility(!!!!!!!!! Sorry, over-exclamation there).
So I’m tired. My stomach and boobs have swelled up massively. I mentioned on a previous post that this was half to do with the fact that I’ve just become Fat And Happy. (Okay, I’m not fat as such but I’m not thin like I was for a while. Which is mildly annoying.) Somehow I can’t feel that bad about it. If I can manage to carry a pregnancy to full term then I’m happy to get fat for a while! I’ll lose it later! This is the first ever chance I’ve had to have a baby so I’m not going to be whinging about being fat. I’m looking forward to the idea of having a mega fat-blob bump. I’m cool with it. (Admittedly there’s that bad time where everyone thinks you just got fat.)
I’m pretty spotty. It’s not pretty at all, actually. It’s just lots of spots, more than normal. And added to that I appear to have a craving for pizza. I think this is more of a me thing than a pregnancy thing. I mean, I love pizza and there’s nothing like a good reason to eat pizza. I genuinely don’t think it’s a craving. It’s just me being greedy.
Today was the first day after Monday (Test day – here and here) that I managed to hold off testing. I’ve tested every day since Monday – it’s now Thursday so it isn’t that bad, but I still felt compelled to check. But at just under a tenner for each test, it doesn’t seem like the best use of resources, and I now have 4 different tests lined up on the side (grim I know!) which show positive. I think I probably need to switch to every other day, and then maybe every 3 days, until I can wean myself off them. I mean it doesn’t change anything to find out if I’ve miscarried and I guess I would know if that happened. It’s just such a novelty to do a test and to see the line appear (or “Pregnant” on the digital ones). It’s like I need reassurance that it actually is happening and not some duff test that’s given a false positive. Not sure how I’d know if that were the case, though. I think I’m going batty.
I’ve also had this weird achey thing in my limbs. I actually had an awful ache last night – so bad that I couldn’t go out and just had to lie there groaning on the sofa whilst T went out for a social. I was intending to go but I had this massive pain in my arm and shoulder – I think it was because I’d lifted a heavy bag – and it was like I had a dead arm and it was horrible. I’ve also noticed general leg pain. It may be because I’m not taking any painkillers when I am Ms Hypochondriac and usually pop pills at the first sign of anything.
Finally I still have this thing where I have a strange taste in my mouth. Now, right now it might just be the left over pizza I ate for lunch, but generally it’s a strange taste. It sort of makes me feel better actually as it’s a symptom I can pin something on! And it’s not that bad. I think of it as a pregnancy taste. I haven’t stopped wanting my usual foods (cf pizza above) and I haven’t been sick or anything. I’m rarely sick so that would be out of character. I am fine with not being sick. I’d like to get a bump or something but I’ve no idea when that typically comes. Like I said previously, I’ve never done much research into pregnancy as I never thought I’d ever be pregnant… I am like a clueless kid in that respect! I actually started thinking the other night about possibly having to give birth (I still am very much of the mindset that I won’t believe it’s happening till it happens) and having a mild panic about that. If I make it to 6 months I might have to start googling elective caesarian…
I had a call with the doctor today and she was happy to prescribe me more Crinone. The first time I can get an appointment is in a couple of weeks and I was going to run out before then, so I can go and pick it up from the pharmacy. They told me I’d have to keep using it until 12 weeks. It’s really not a problem at all although it does give some fairly alarming discharge (TMI, sorry). It’s better than having to give bum shots which from what I read some people have to do! Poor them! I don’t mind doing injections but it’s more of a palaver in the morning whereas the Crinone is pretty simple. It’s a bit like an applicator tampon with some gunge in and you just squeeze the bulb at the end to deposit the gunge… It does seem weird but you get used to it. With IVF you get used to every sort of indignity! I’m still not a fan of stirrups though, I have to say. It seems somehow worse when your legs are splayed in the stirrups rather than being arranged of your own accord.
Other than that, I have my first pregnancy GP appointment in 2 weeks. I can’t believe it. I’m hoping my little baby T can hang on till then. Then we have our first scan that week too. I’m still super untrusting that it’s going to happen. I so want it to be okay but I know that miscarriages happen very often and I’ve never even been pregnant before so what are the chances… I know everyone keeps saying think positive but it’s scary to think. I guess at least we know now that the process works up to this stage. I just don’t like the thought of having to go through it all again – selfishly, I feel like it’s taken a lot out of my physically, and emotionally it’s a balance of relief at being pregnant finally and fear that it might not last.
Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.
I won’t be making any cheesy announcements on Facebook. I haven’t even told my best friends. Right now it’s just between me and T… and you guys! I can’t bear the idea that we might have gone through all this long and arduous process and we might not end up with a baby at the end of it. Equally I’m scared that we will end up with a baby at the end of it! Seriously! I took a look at our household and thought, where will we put the baby? It’s a household that’s run by a small dog! There are dog toys scattered all over the floor. I am an absolute mess fiend, I mean I’m one of the most untidy people I know. I’m terrible. I can make anything into a mess. The great thing is that T is not and he does go around tidying up and he’s been amazing since we have been going through all of this, and with me working long hours. I’ve found myself getting a bit lazy as I know he will do a better job of tidying than I will. (I know: I’m a terrible person.) I don’t think I’ll feel that it’s real until we can go and buy a cot and a buggy and so on.
So, no Facebook. I want to tell my family and my best friends. My SIL is pregnant right now and quite far along. I think they told us when they were 8 weeks, but that’s probably as they were more confident in the process (they already have one child)… and also because family occasions require drinking! I’m due to see my parents in a few weeks, after my first scan, so I’m hoping that I’ll be able to tell them then. It’s early but I would probably have to say anything before they ply me with wine – it’s practically obligatory in my household. We’re very European in that way! Drinks with every meal! I would like to tell them though as my mum has tried to talk to me about infertility before (when I had my various operations) and I’ve always resisted as it was too painful to talk about, especially when my marriage was on the rocks. So it would be really nice to give them some good news. They’ve had a bit of bad news lately so I’d like to be the bearer of good news. I found it really difficult to deal with my brother’s first baby being born – whilst I was going through various ops and so on for infertility, and having marriage problems – and I feel like this could be nice news for a change.
What next? I don’t know… I’m just taking each day as it comes. I don’t think for those of us who have suffered with infertility that there ever is a time when we feel like a pregnancy is “safe”. We don’t take it for granted. I’m not going to think it’s safe to tell everyone at 12 weeks. I can’t see myself making any Facebook announcement until there is a baby outside of me! I don’t think I will think it is actually happening until I have a real live baby (and then there’s a whole other set of anxieties!). That said… my generally philosophy on life is that there is no point worrying [unduly] about things you can’t change. If something bad happens to this pregnancy, it won’t be affected if I worry or if I don’t worry. All I can do is try to enjoy it (for now it’s my delicious little secret… whereas everyone at work probably just thinks I am fat and tired looking, haha) and hope for the best.