OMG, I’m at Week 5 Day 4 (39 days) pregnant and I want to ask you: How on earth do you deal with the waiting?
Waiting… and waiting… and waiting…
bad good to happen.
I know I’ve said this before and I’m honestly not gloating (because I know how awful it is if you aren’t able to get pregnant… I mean, I haven’t been pregnant ever in all my 30-something years) but I can’t stand the waiting.
I actually found the infamous two week wait pretty easy. That’s because I didn’t think it would work. (Although obviously I was secretly hoping it would.) I didn’t think it was very long to have to wait. But then we had a positive test (only just over a week ago) and suddenly we’re into a whole ‘nother World of Waiting.
It’s like I’m waiting for a time when it’s “safe” to tell people, but really I’m waiting for a time when it’s “safe” to start hoping that this pregnancy might actually happen. To have faith that he’s really there, that he’s sticking and that I have an actual baby inside me.
I know it’s happening. I have 7 (count ’em – seven!) positive pregnancy tests lined up on the ledge to show me that it’s happening. But I can’t stop this fear that it won’t fully happen. That our little baby won’t make it. I even started trying to put more days between tests (hence the seven tests in nine days) but I caved today and tested this morning because I didn’t feel like I could rely on the feeling of still being pregnant. This is crazy thinking!
I know in my heart of hearts that there’s nothing to be gained by finding out I’m suddenly not pregnant. I mean, if I miscarry then I guess I’d know about it and I don’t know what I would do if a test came back negative. (I don’t know because I have never been pregnant or miscarried that I know about… Although T keeps mentioning that my late, extremely heavy and physically debilitating periods could actually have been miscarriages – what a thought.) I assume that it would involve some sort of bleeding. I keep running to the loo to do the dreaded knicker check and I keep expecting there to be blood. (I think it’s generally the surplus of progesterone gel I keep having to insert every morning!)
My humungaboobs are still hanging around being huge, and my stomach seems larger, although that could be the bloat everyone talks about. And the fact that I keep eating a lot. I’ve been searching on blogs about the first trimester to try and understand what others were thinking and feeling during that time. Like when are you sure? I don’t know if I’ll ever be sure.
I know I’m really lucky that I’ve never lost a baby and I can’t imagine what that’s like. I think this level of paranoia comes from the fact that I’ve never been pregnant before and I almost feel like this is my only chance. It’s not my only chance at IVF – this is the first cycle we’ve tried and we have the ability to have 3 cycles funded by the NHS (bless the NHS!) so in theory if this doesn’t work we would be able to try again. Twice.
But I feel like this has taken a lot out of me emotionally. I’m not complaining of course. I know I’m lucky to have gotten this far and I’m super grateful that our NHS puts us in the position of having funded cycles. We probably wouldn’t be able to afford private treatment. Although I think it’s less about not being able to afford it and more about not being able to imagine putting myself through this more times. I really feel like if this cycle doesn’t work that I would be reticent about doing another cycle – it’s so invasive, and it is emotionally and physically draining. My body hasn’t been mine for 61 days and counting. If we have a live baby at the end then it will be worth it. But if we don’t… it doesn’t bear thinking about.
Really one of my main challenges has been not being able to tell people that I’m pregnant, so not being able to share that understanding and get that support. T is great but he’s just one person and I miss sharing stuff with my girlfriends. At the moment I’ve sort of been avoiding meeting up with friends (as I would usually be the one insisting we order a bottle of wine!) and it feels weird to think that I probably have to make excuses for another 6 weeks. I mean, they know I’ve been overworked but now that my project has just about finished, it means that they’re all trying to organise girls’ nights out and whatnot. I don’t know whether to go along and make excuses but I don’t really think I’d be able to lie to them.
Equally I don’t want to tell people and then something goes wrong and we lose the baby, and then we have to tell everyone… or respond to questions when they ask. That would be awful. And I’ve known people who had a loss very far down the line. I don’t know how they would deal with it. I don’t think I am a very strong person in that way so I don’t even want to think about it.
But I do.
I’ve done a calendar online so I know what week we are in, so I know when to expect in relation to other social events. I’m pretty much writing off the whole of June because that’s where we are now (I’m just pretending to ignore social invitations rather than making excuses) and then July because that will be our final weeks of the first trimester. In week 10 we are going for a little long weekend break with Dog (I’m very excited; Dog less so) and then in Week 11 my best friend who lives abroad is going to be in the UK for a bit in July and we’re going for a spa day. I’m not sure how I will manage to hide anything, not because I’m going to be showing a bump or anything but because I am usually the first one on the bubbly when we go to the spa!
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll probably have to tell some people “early”. Not many people. For example I’m going to see my parents next weekend, and in our household there is wine at every meal. (Even breakfast! Kidding!) Basically there’s no chance that I would be able to get away without drinking. It will be just after our first (early) scan and I will be 7 weeks pregnant. Assuming it all sticks. (AAAAAH I don’t like this worrying!) And then I guess our next scan will be something arranged with the GP. Do they do the 12 week scan at 12 weeks? I’ve no idea about these things. I guess most people start telling people around then, but I kind of think I probably won’t tell anyone unless I see them in person and I have to explain.
I’ve looked up the work situation and I don’t have to tell them until I’m 25 weeks pregnant! That is a really long time! I’m assuming they might have an inkling before then.
Anyway, that’s my blethering for today. Anyone who has any advice on the waiting game… Let me have it!