Day 67: Is it real yet?

I can’t believe we’ve been doing this for 67 days! That’s ages.

A quick recap:

  • I’m in my late 30s (sob!) and I have a history of infertility, involving operations, terrible periods, pain, endometriosis and so on… and never having been pregnant.
  • My partner T and I have been through IVF and I’m now apparently 6 weeks pregnant! Which is nuts.
  • I still don’t really believe it.

I have been feeling fine generally, although I still have that sort of metallic taste in my mouth, horrendous skin, humungaboobs and bloating that may or may not be attributable to pizza. Also, I’m not sure how to describe it really but I have this sort of feeling inside but I’m not sure if that’s just me being weird or it’s actually A Baby doing something or other (growing, hopefully).

I’ve done 8 pregnancy tests so far – all positive. Amazingly I managed to hold off this morning which means maybe I’m chilling out or something. I last tested on Friday. I have my first doctor’s appointment tomorrow with a GP which might yield some additional information but I have no idea what to expect – it might just be the “I’m pregnant – how about that?” chat. I’ve no idea how it all works.

We have our first scan on Thursday. Which is beyond exciting, but also pretty frightening. That will be 7 weeks and what if there is no baby? Maybe there is a blob made of pizza that’s excreting pregnancy hormones and isn’t actually a baby. Maybe it’s just me being fat and somehow the Crinone that I’m taking daily is doing something to skew the pregnancy tests? Apparently by 7 weeks we should be able to hear a heartbeat. I really hope that there’s something on Thursday.

I’m going to see my folks on Friday for the weekend – it’s Father’s Day in the UK so I thought I’d make the effort, especially as I’ve been so busy in the job. I’m going to tell them I’m pregnant, assuming I make it that far (I am never taking it for granted, sadly… I think I’m just too paranoid) as firstly I have to tell them not to ply me with wine and secondly, it would be nice just to tell someone. All my friends think I’m antisocial as I’ve barely been out.

I have to keep up the antisocial thing for 6 weeks! Agh! I’m not sure how I’m going to do that. It feels proper mean to keep ignoring or turning down social occasions. Although I’m so tired/lazy at the moment that I don’t think I can go out. I might be talking too soon but the hayfever seems slightly better this week, but that’s been pretty debilitating. I can’t stand all the sneezing and snotting! And I’ve been using the inhaler a lot as I can’t really breathe properly. Not ideal.

I’m just waiting with bated breath (what does that even mean?) to be able to celebrate the pregnancy and tell people. It would make it a lot easier and it would put my mind at ease a bit that everyone doesn’t think I’m a fat miserable old windbag. However I am absolutely scared that I might have a miscarriage / chemical pregnancy – I think you can’t be on these blogs and not realise the horrible things that can happen. Every time I read about people who’ve had miscarriages I just think it’s so awful and because I’ve never gotten this far before (I’ve never even had a pregnancy scare) I just think that could be me. I actually cringe when I see people announcing “early” as I think, what if something happens? I wonder why I can’t just be happy about it like everyone else seems to be.

T and I have been sort of contented but I wouldn’t say we’re happy. Each step of this journey has been a “So we got this far… Now for the next hurdle!” so we have never really settled into celebrating the pregnancy. I guess maybe if we make it to 12 weeks we will feel better about it and maybe tell people. But I’m not going to do any announcements. We’ll only tell people we really have to tell, and family. It’s not that I feel like telling people would jinx it. I just can’t abide the thought that we tell people and then something terrible happens. I don’t take it for granted. I absolutely empathise with people who are going through infertility because for me it’s been a lifetime. I can’t believe it could have worked for us.

I want to believe that we are the 1 in 4 / 3 couples in 12 couples who started our IVF journey together who it works for.

That just seems nuts. It seems nuts that we could have won the IVF lottery. For it to have worked first time.

Tell me it’s not nuts. Tell me it can work first time!

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11 comments

  1. sjmunro

    Congrats Hun, you hit the IVF lottery jackpot! It can happen first time – you are proof! Good luck with the first doctors appointment, I’m sure everything will be amazing!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. travelerwife

    Good luck and God bless! You’re not nuts; it can work the first time. And there’s nothing mean about avoiding social situations right now. Girl, take a breather, revel in the miracle, and remember you can catch up on the social circle fun AFTER you’re rested and feeling a little bit more like a human…a pregnant human, that is.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Thank you! I hope my friends forgive me for being such an antisocial so and so! I will try and revel in the miracle… Think it won’t happen until at least I manage to reach 12 weeks! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. notabroodychick

    It can work first time!! 😉 I’m also with you at cringing when people tell their news when they first get a BFP and start buying baby things straight away. Happily everyone I’ve known whose done it has been fine and got their bundle of joy (not to mention poop and the cause of sleepless nights) at the end, but I always think “but what if….”

    I also just have a general “feeling” different, not all to do with the slow digestion and bloating!

    Good luck for your scan on Thursday!

    Liked by 1 person

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