Day 69: Spring clean

I’m just waiting… and trying not to go mental waiting. It seems absolutely unfair that you have to wait soooo long to try and be moderately assured that you might have a normal pregnancy. I’ve also been having a little rant to myself about how unfair it is that other people just get pregnant and don’t worry about it. (I know… We’ve all been there… Welcome to Pityville – Population: Me.)

Anyway…

We have our first scan tomorrow. I will be just-off-7-weeks: 6 weeks 6 days pregnant, according to the fertility IVF calculator thingy. (I still can’t work out how that works, but if it says I’m getting closer to 12 weeks then I’ll take it.)

EXCITING! But also scary. I know I’ve joked that I’m worried that little baby T might be made of pizza, but my main worry is that there are tonnes of things that could go wrong and this is the first opportunity they might have to spot it.

Maybe I’m not in the right frame of mind about this. I’ve been quite hermit-like lately what with the hayfever and the pregnancy. I don’t know how long I can keep it up without going a bit mad. I am a social person (who likes drinking socially, not to excess mind you… unless you count British drinking as excess, which let’s face it, most other countries probably do) and I miss that. But I also feel pretty dodgy in myself, as in I feel overly hormonal and PMT-like and I also have horrific hayfever. It means I haven’t been sleeping well which then has a knock on effect at work. I also feel super tired and I seem to spend most of the time outside of work just sitting on the sofa, trying to breathe (I’ve had to use my inhaler a lot) and sleeping. Not much fun for T, sadly, although I’ve been making a great squishy cushion for Dog.

CAVEAT: I know that I’m lucky to have gotten this far, and I’m super grateful to have been able to do this with minimal financial investment (Dog bless the NHS) and I know that I am way luckier than lots of people, and I want you to know that I’m not ungrateful at all for this opportunity. I don’t want to be all ooh, I had IVF and I got pregnant first time and I’m whinging about it because that’s just annoying. I’m just feeling kind of vulnerable and anxious about how viable the baby is right now and if you can’t vent on your own blog, where can you? I promise this does not negate the fact that I’m grateful and everything.

It’s like: I now have this little life (pizza?) inside me and suddenly I’ve gone from being all blasé about it possibly not working (why would it when I’ve never managed to get pregnant in 15ish years when I could have done?) to suddenly being invested. I know I’m not one of those people for whom having a baby is the absolute be all and end all – how could it be when I never thought I could? and we’re happy as a couple and we have a fun nice life – but it’s different now, because I wouldn’t just not been able to have one – I’d have lost one.

In the spirit of keeping myself busy, I’ve done a little spring clean on my blog. Do you like it? I was getting annoyed with the last theme. I wanted something simple and clean (a lovely contrast to my not-simple and not-clean mind!) and so it’s been perked up a bit. Let me know what you think.

I also thought it was worth pointing out to my regular readers (ha ha!) that I did actually get around to updating my About Me page. So if you want to know more about me and my story, then feel free to check it out.

I’m trying to take each day as it comes, but I’m pretty anxious about the whole thing. I think the worst thing would be to come this far and then finally having gotten used to the idea of having a baby, for that to be snatched away again. It has been so great to find this world of infertility blogging and “meet” all you fantastic people, but it’s also made me feel really aware of the multitude of things that could go wrong. I mean, I’ve only had long term infertility – I’ve never actually lost a pregnancy, because I’ve never been pregnant. So suddenly to be faced with the prospect of losing it… I don’t like that idea at all.

Anyway… I’ll try not to have a breakdown before tomorrow. Scan is tomorrow morning UK time so by the time a lot of you are up, I’ll be able to post an update. I’m just praying (in a non-denominational agnosticky kind of way) that it will be positive news. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer! I promise if it’s good news I will be squealing through cyberspace!