Day 70: A little blob with a flicker

Let me start off by saying I’m still worried. Maybe this is just me and my low expectations but I guess I’ll carry on worrying until / if we get to 12 weeks. And then I’ll probably worry some more. It’s not bad news but it’s not good news… It’s just news. Well, he’s still hanging on.

Anyway, as you can see… We had an ultrasound and here he is.

Introducing: Pizza Baby.

(This is a bad phone picture of a print out.) Right now Pizza Baby is 5.3 mm. This means he’s very on the small side. According to my pregnancy app, I’m one day off Week 7 and at week 7 he should be 1.3cm. At Week 6 he should be 6mm. And he’s still smaller than Week 6. They said it was fine and as expected but…

I think I have anxiety because from the outset the nurse was like “This is very early for a scan” and then she was digging around with the wand and then had to get the doctor to come in and everything and then they said “It’s not very clear” and so on. They just sort of seemed to be being a bit… delaying things, or fobbing us off. She kept saying it wasn’t clear enough although the doctor said he could see the heart beat.

To my mind he just looked like a round black blob. And there was a flicker of white on one side. Obviously it was massively magnified as the little guy is like Week 6 size or a bit smaller, so he’s half a centimeter which isn’t very large at all. So the little flicker is probably like less than a millimeter.

In the end they said in order to put my mind at ease (as if!) they would do another scan this time next week. So that’s another week’s wait. I mean it’s obviously more like 5 weeks wait (for a 12 week scan) unless something goes obviously wrong before then. But I just felt like they weren’t telling us something.

T says I have to stop worrying as it’s bad for the baby and he seems to feel absolutely fine about it. I mean, he keeps referring to “the baby” and saying I’m pregnant and need to take it easy and stop worrying. Oh and stop being anxious because it’s bad for the baby. (This is right up there with Just relax and you’ll get pregnant in my book. Easier said than done.)

We saw the nurse afterwards and she was quite matter of fact (not my favourite lovely nurse who is the most reassuring nurse in the world) and she said that everything is fine. And I asked why we were having another scan and she said lots of hospitals would discharge us now to the doctor (as in go back to the normal GP and not be a special case) but they felt that the scan wasn’t very clear and wanted to give us “the benefit of an extra scan”. And also that it was booked in early. (I don’t think it was booked in early – I mean, it was booked in by the fertility nurse and is apparently a normal time to have an early scan.)

So I sort of feel in limbo. I still don’t feel elated or anything. I felt nervous and almost like I was going to cry before the scan. I now feel like… What if he isn’t growing? He’s already on the small side. Why are they giving me an extra scan? Is there something wrong? etc etc.

I bet this sounds really stupid and ungrateful and I’m truly grateful that I’ve managed to come this far. I really am. It just feels more worrying somehow. And I find myself feeling really resentful of normal women who just get p!ssed and instantly get up the duff (pretty much all my friends) and don’t worry at all about pregnancy, announce it really early, sail through it, don’t worry about symptoms and miscarriage and everything. I don’t think they even do anything for the first 3 months. I could be wrong, but I think they just relax and wait for the first trimester to be over.

And the other thing is, in the UK we don’t have all the tests you guys in US/Canada seem to have. We don’t have bloods taken or anything. I just have Crinone (progesterone gel) which I’m supposed to take until week 10-12 and folic acid and the odd ultrasound. If we hadn’t scheduled an extra one for next week then I think I wouldn’t have anything until an ultrasound at 12 weeks, and normal people just have that one and nothing before. Go figure! I’m not sure if this level of testing puts my mind at ease or whether I’d feel better having tests more often. I think I would probably feel better if I had the blood tests, betas and whatnot as at least I would see some sort of progress. I guess if we go back next week and he’s still 5.3mm (or worse, disappeared) then we would know.

 

Oh and now it’s time for a mini vent…

I have this one friend who I feel like it’s really difficult to remain friends with. She is just the smuggest person in the whole entire world. She was always a real party girl and drank loads and it’s like everything she wanted just fell in her lap. She wanted to get into a relationship – done. Wanted to get married – he proposed (after being told to). She was even really quite old to be thinking of getting married and starting a family (40+) and yet decided she’d stay on birth control until after the wedding because she didn’t want to get pregnant before getting married. You’d think the odds were low for conceiving in your forties with a really unhealthy lifestyle – heavy drinking and overweight – but no, when does she conceive but on her honeymoon. Whilst drinking.

To add insult to injury I’ve had a really tough time at work and whilst she was pregnant, T lost his job so we were completely stressed and strapped for cash. During her pregnancy she decided she didn’t want to work any more so gave up work. Sold a house, bought a house. Spends her days doing nothing but counting up money and being smug. (Do I sound bitter? I am bitter.) Also I might add that she always expects a lot from people financially – like she picks out her own expensive birthday presents from Tiffany & Co and expects everyone to donate, and even booked her own hen do in a really inconvenient out of the way expensive place and demanded we all paid her the money. Probably at a profit to her. I wouldn’t put it past her. It’s not like she is generous either – she is the stingiest present giver in the world. One year I got her MAC makeup. Her most recent present to me was a second hand book and the previous one was some stickers to put on your nails. (I am not 16 and the likelihood of me wearing nail art in my corporate office is nil.)

She’s now had the baby and we are expected every time she’s in town to make some sort of pilgrimage to go and see the baby. (Just to be uncharitable for a minute, it is a very weird looking baby. Miaow. Then again, ugly babies make cute adults in my experience so it’s probably going to be a looker.) I mean… Every. Time. And she actually messages me each time to try and harangue me into going to see her (and THE BABY), even though it’s usually at some out of the way location which would take over an hour to get to, and she books The Visitation at 6pm or something (when anyone with a job in the city is still at work). And even though I told her I was working 18 hour days. Another time she was demanding everyone made a trip out of town (I don’t have a car) which would have been a 5-6 hour round trip on a Sunday. I said no thanks.

So yesterday there was another invitation from this friend, and another smuggy smug ultrasound on Facebook (different people) and I just felt like screaming.

Why can’t I just enjoy this pregnancy?

Why does everyone else get to be all happy and pregnant and I just feel anxious?

Answers on a postcard…

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39 comments

    • Nara

      Thank you! I really appreciate everyone’s support. I’ve just finished work today (it’s almost 9pm in the UK) so it’s lovely to come on and see all your messages. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

      Like

  1. pinksnow78

    I would have to agree. It’s an early scan so not much to see babywise. It’s a great sign that you got to see the heartbeat. I know it’s a very worrying time but try to stay calm x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Arwen

    Ok firstly a cautious Yay for a heartbeat (!), that is a pretty big deal. Yes it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is a baby at the end of the 9 months but it lowers the risks generally.
    Secondly Stevie measured so insanely small at our 6wk scan (I forget specifics but I think she was around 2mm) I was pretty nervous, she continued to measure behind but eventually caught up. Apparently girl embryos are slower…just saying 😉
    I know how scary this is. In our experience the nurses/radiographers were so underwhelmingly cautious (and even negative as SurroSIL had the big bleed). Apparently this is quite normal for them to be this way in the 1st trimester as so much can go wrong still (as we all know too well). Sending you love. Each day at a time. For now, you are pregnant and long may it continue! I believe in Pizza Baby 🙂 Come on little one, catch up!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Aw thank you chuck. I’m really glad it’s not super weird and that your very own Stevie was little to start with! Also I am pretty short / a midget so I don’t think I’d necessarily be expecting a giant.
      Oh and I don’t mind at all if it’s a girl! It’s weird… I always wanted a boy as I think boys have easier lives. But most of my potential baby names are for girls! And being “ethnic” I think a girl could turn out nice! 🙂
      Thank you for believing in Pizza Baby. I’m so grateful to have met you lot! I feel like I’d have nobody apart from T to speak with about this otherwise, and he is lovely but he is also a very blasé man! Here’s hoping PB does what (s)he’s meant to this week!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    Yay Pizza Baby!! I hope pizza baby sticks around and all this worrying is for naught, but I absolutely do understand why you are worried. I say try to be hopeful and excited because as of today you have a baby with a heartbeat, you have absolutely no control over the outcome so while it’s hard try to hold onto happy moments whenever you can.
    As for your “friend”, I am a firm believer in surrounding yourself with people who lift you up and treated you well.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Nara

      Thank you. I know I should dump the friend but I think I’m just probably being a bit mean as well. I mean, it’s nobody’s fault that their life is easier! Can’t really blame people for being fertile/rich/etc (although I can darned well whinge about it, haha).
      You’re totally right about the outcome… My dad always says that and I should believe him and you! It’s difficult not to worry. I should just try not to care so much! Time for some Jedi mind tricks! 🙂

      Like

  4. thecommonostrich

    First, it is always worth remembering that babies are, in fact, tiny people. What person do you know does everything EXACTLY when and how they should? Case in point, I was once the tallest kid in 4th grade. Now, I’m solidly average.

    Second, why are you friends with this woman? She sounds vaguely atrocious. I’m a firm believer we have certain friends for a certain period of time. When that friendship doesn’t feel right anymore, it’s okay to let it go. (Let it go! Can’t hold it back any mooooore!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Argh that lost my reply somehow! Thank you so much. That totally rings true! I was always the shortest kid in my class and now I seem average lady size / slightly taller (maybe that I wear heels, haha).

      And I love the Frozen reference! I’ll have to do some singing! 🙂

      Like

  5. libraryowl33

    Go Pizza Baby!!! I’m going to stay optimistic for you that your baby is fine. I’m still so excited for you!
    As for this “friend”… If you’re passive like me, just stop being available. Eventually she’ll find someone else to torment. You definitely don’t need someone like that in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! I’m glad you are being the optimistic one! I need to open a 6-pack of whupass and stop being such a wet!
      I don’t think of myself as passive, but I probably am when it comes to ending things or not putting myself in situations which make me feel bad. I mean I’m quite outspoken, but I always feel bad about the idea of hurting someone’s feelings. Even if they’re annoying! And I keep thinking she is actually nice in many ways… I’m just venting really. (I’m a terrible person.)

      Liked by 1 person

  6. ashleykyleanderson

    Oh Sweetie. I completely understand all of these conflicting emotions. It is very scary to have something that you are so afraid to lose, especially when you had come to believe you would never get to have it in the first place. I will say that I would probably feel the same way you do if the doctors acted that way around me, but our little one was measuring at around 6.4mm at close to the end of 6 weeks (definitely no where close to 1cm+!) and the specialist said that everything was “perfect.” To be honest, I didn’t even know what was a normal measurement going in, but I specifically asked them during the appointment “Is the baby measuring appropriately?” and they said yes.

    I have looked up some things on it since first reading your post and have found some places that say that those measurements should just be a guideline but that they can all grow at different rates. I won’t tell you not to worry because I am still worried at almost 9 weeks and probably will till baby is safely in my arms, but try not to let yourself go to the very dark places (if that makes sense).

    I will be hoping and praying that everything goes well and that next time your technician doesn’t do and/or say things that allow for you to read into them! You’ll get through this, okay? It’s hard, but there will be times in the future when you will be able to breathe a little easier. You’ve just got to get there. I’ll be thinking of you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Oh thank you my dear! I’m glad I have someone a bit ahead of me who can tell me what’s what! I’m sure we will always worry – I mean, we have gone through a lot of thought and effort to get this far, compared to “normal” people who just do it without thinking! It’s shocking really that we can even do this. The wonders of medical science! Thanks so much for the encouragement. X

      Liked by 1 person

  7. 30yr old nothing

    Hi little pizza baby! I’m very relieved you were able to see a heartbeat. I hope you can try to celebrate every small win even though I know how difficult it is. Just remember that right now, today, you have a heartbeat and it’s amazing. The rest doesn’t matter. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. thegreatpuddingclubhunt

    Yey to a little heartbeat! That’s great news!! I’m sorry that the nurses/doctors worried you, and it’s totally natural to worry too. It just shows how much you are already in love and care about your little one. I’m sending you lots of positive thoughts and hope you find some relief at next week’s ultrasound.
    As for the second half of your post, you talk about a friend, but I didn’t hear anything at all that resembles close to a true friend. Personally I think it’s OK to be jealous of a friend (I have friends who are just perfect in every way, but they inspire me in a good way) but it’s not OK if they are just plain smug. Not cool. Not nice. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! I’m glad I’m not a complete nutter. I felt like I was going a little bit mad! I think it’s just because it’s such a new experience and I don’t have any frame of reference.
      Yeah I feel bad about the rant now! She’s not that bad. I do feel annoyed that she’s so unbothered by anyone else’s problems (unaware – just assumes everyone has a cushy life). But that’s just me being jealous which isn’t very nice of me!

      Like

  9. j&c

    I’m so glad you were able to hear a heartbeat! It’s good news in the whole of things! Try not to stress too much but I’m sure that will be difficult to do. As for the “friend” she doesn’t sound nice…I would consider letting her go. I’m with everyone else. Surround your self with positivity. Keeping your little family in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks so much! Well we didn’t hear a heartbeat. It wasn’t a noise thing… Just a little white flicker. I suppose that will (hopefully) come later. And you’re right – I need to surround myself with positivity! Just got home and going to snuggle with Dog – the best positive furry influence there is! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. notabroodychick

    Yay, it’s a baby, not a pizza!! So glad you got to see a heartbeat! It’s odd indeed they said it was early. Ive known ladies book in for their first scan with IVF pregnancy as early as 6w2d, but last year when I was booked in at 8 weeks that was considered “late”, they just couldn’t fit me in earlier as they were so busy. It’s natural to worry about the size but like the other ladies commenting said, we are all different and your LO could well just be a late bloomer! It’s is nice that they booked you in for another check next week, I would be happy with that as an added bonus, otherwise it is a long old wait to 12 weeks. I know the worry will to some extent never end, but now you definately know there is a little mini-you in there, hopefully you can rest a bit easier.

    I say ditch the “friend”. She sucks! 😉 your rant did make me chuckle as you definately put in words what I’m sure all us IVF ladies think at some point about some ladies who get pregnant naturally without even trying.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Haha. Well I’m still not convinced it’s not a pizza. It was round! Perhaps it’s a very little pizza! Thank you for the reassurance. I didn’t think it seemed late compared to what everyone said on here, but I do get the impression that they do stuff differently in the UK. We don’t seem to do as much as they do in the U.S. and Canada. It’s a good way to think of it as an added bonus – thank you!
      Hahaha about the rant. I’m such an IVF beatch right? I should try to take a deep breath and stop being such a moaning Minnie!

      Like

  11. yearningformotherhood

    Eeugh, I have “friends” like this, too. Some people seem to have all the luck in the world. BUT I try and remind myself that you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

    Sorry you’re worrying about your scan but I echo what some of the others are saying – give it a little longer. It might be that the views weren’t great (even early on, my abdominal views were better than vaginal) and taking measurements is SO subjective and operator dependent. Seeing a HB is the most important thing 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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