Day 77: Thinking the worst

Hi everyone, I’m feeling very fragile / devastated / upset at the moment.

I’ve just been for the second scan.

Of all days, this was the day that T had to screw up and get the wrong time for the appointment. It was all a misunderstanding. When he was leaving in the morning he asked what time it was, and I said I thought it was 11:50, and then I checked the calendar (we have an online shared calendar) and it said 10:50. He didn’t hear the 10:50 and kept thinking it was 11:50. There was a pop up on the calendar (reminders pop up on our phones) but he said he didn’t see that either. So when I was sitting waiting for the scan at 10:50 and texted him to see where he was, he wasn’t intending to leave work until 11:00. (He works further away from the hospital than I do.) It would have taken him too long to get to the hospital so I said just leave it (as he’d have been 25 min late to the appointment and it would be over) but I was just not happy that he wasn’t there. He usually checks the calendar for things so I don’t understand why he didn’t today, and why the reminder didn’t pop up.

I had the scan… Remember from last week that this was a follow up scan as it “wasn’t clear”. The thing that I find frightening about it all is that they don’t really tell you stuff. They don’t say whether it’s good news or bad news or whatever. They just don’t tell you so you start thinking that something is wrong.

So I already have some kind of complication – fibroids, they think – that makes it more difficult to scan. (I don’t see why they didn’t pick this up in previous scans and operations – they mentioned something about it but then decided not to remove it in the last op, if it’s the growth I’m thinking of.) The sonographer dug around a bit and then found the baby, and she seemed quite positive about it in that it was just a blob with a heartbeat like it was last week. She seemed to think this was fine, but then she’s not the same sonographer as last week.

Thing is, Pizza Baby has not really grown much. Last week he was 5.3mm and this week it looks like he’s 6mm which puts him at 6 weeks 3 days. I’m supposed to be 7 weeks 6 days, ie almost 8 weeks. I don’t know if this is something to worry about or not, but they made me feel like it was.

The doctor had to go out and speak with someone else about it. (Doesn’t it always make you feel better when that happens?) They first of all said I don’t have another scan until 12 weeks. And then they said actually can you come back next week and we will do another scan. So there’s now another scan next week (that would be one day off 9 weeks). That’s the third early scan which is not something that makes me feel better at all, because usually they just do one scan at 6-7 weeks (like my one last week) and discharge you to the GP. This time they’ve decided that I need monitoring, because the doctor said that they were concerned that the baby wasn’t growing enough.

Oh and then just to make me feel even better, he then wanted to check with me that I knew what to do if I had any bleeding, which was to go to my local A&E.

How about that for making me feel better about the whole thing?

I said is it bad news or what are we saying, and he said it was just that they were worried that the baby wasn’t growing enough. But I saw his little heartbeat on the ultrasound. The sonographer said there was a foetal pole or something and the heartbeat looked fine. For 6 weeks 3 days.

I want to think that it’s just the doctor being over cautious.

I want to think that it’s just that I’m quite short so the baby is smaller than average.

But I just feel terrible. Terrified. Am I going to have a miscarriage? That’s what they seem to be saying. They seem to be suggesting that I should expect some bleeding. They aren’t happy to discharge me back to the GP and they want to scan me again next week. Is this just prolonging the inevitable?

Of course a quick google of “Baby not growing at 8 weeks” throws up more bad stories than good. (No good, actually.) I don’t know what to make of it. Part of me thinks maybe it’s just a small baby but part of me thinks I’ll go back next week and they’ll say the baby still isn’t growing.

And I’m angry at T for not being there. He’s all upset now as I kind of shouted at him over the phone. He should have been there. I know he didn’t do it on purpose and he planned to be there, but I’m upset that I had to go through it on my own.

As I was going out, the nurse called to me and asked if I was okay. And whether I wanted to sit down for a moment. That just made me feel worse… It made me feel like maybe they had said that they were expecting me to miscarry. I don’t know why she would have said that otherwise. She’s very nice. But I don’t understand.

Why can’t they just say one way or the other?

The doctor and sonographer both told me they had to wait for longer to see if the baby would grow.

That’s what this is all about… waiting.

I don’t want to have to go through a loss. I don’t want to have to tell my parents that the good news I told them last weekend doesn’t apply any more. I’m just really upset.

I’m going home now as I don’t feel like I can stay at work when I’m this upset.

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36 comments

  1. pinksnow78

    I’m not sure what to say, but didn’t want to read and run. Sending big prayers that the little baby is just a little slower to grow than others. It’s positive that it’s grown since last week and that the little heart is beating away in there. Sending loads of positive thoughts your way x x x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Arwen

    Oh honey. Firstly I am so sorry T missed it and you had to go through this alone. Whilst it might not look good it is not over, right now PB has a little beating heart and could still catch up. I don’t want to give you false hope but I still believe this could just be a slow growing baby. I think that Doctors and Nurses will prepare you for the worst but hope for the best. There is still so much they simply don’t know about conception/early foetal development. Sending you so much love xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. theskyandback

    First of all: grow, baby, grow! You can do it, little one!

    Second of all, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard this waiting is — it is so hard and awful. I’m also sorry that T couldn’t be there. That is really upsetting. I’m going to continue to send good, growing thoughts to this baby. Right now he has a heartbeat and that is a very good thing! Doctors don’t always get the growth right. Hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. yearningformotherhood

    Ah shoot, I’m so sorry. And no, don’t go back to work, your mind won’t be in the right place for it.
    Firstly, there is a heartbeat. This is STILL a viable pregnancy.
    Secondly, you say it yourself, you’ve got fibroids, the views aren’t great. When I had my transfer, I had such a weirdly positioned retroverted uterus, they had to guess where they were placing the embryos! If the scan is technically difficult because of anatomy, you can’t accurately measure things.
    I’m sorry your clinic staff were a bit retarded and non-committal , but no medical staff will give guarantees either way, about anything not just pregnancies!
    The follow up scan is likely to have been arranged for *your* benefit so you don’t have that agonising wait till 12 weeks.
    Try and pop your feet up this afternoon, distract yourself with pizza and a film and know that everybody reading your blog is keeping everything crossed for you for next week x

    Liked by 2 people

  5. ashleykyleanderson

    I am so sorry to read this. 😦 I really wish that I could give you a big hug right now. You guys and PB will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I am hoping that the next scan comes quickly for you and that it is full of undeniably good news! Sending lots of love ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My Perfect Breakdown

    I know that this is not what you had been hoping for, but I do believe that it is a great sign that there is a heart beat! Did they tell you what the heart rate is measuring? Honestly, I truly understand why you are concerned right now. But I also firmly believe that heart beat is the best sign of hope you have! This next week is going to be hard, and keeping yourself busy is probably the best trick to maintaining your sanity.
    Also, I’m sorry T was unable to join you today. Try to go easy on him, I can tell he wanted to be there and I’m sure he is feeling pretty bad for missing the appointment too.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. She Patiently Waits

    What a right shit day…so sorry to hear about this 😦 But all the while as I read that I focused on two things. There is a heartbeat… AND…the baby is still growing albeit slowly. Just hang in there. You take a day off. Cry it out, be pissed, get angry, and STAY OFF THE INTERNET! Don’t read other people’s stories. This is your journey and yours only. xoxoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. notabroodychick

    I can only ditto what the others have said. Take heart from the fact pizza baby has grown and has a heart beat. Everything crossed he/she is just a late bloomer and/or may always be smaller than the averages if you are yourself small. So sorry T couldn’t make it but try not to be mad at him for too long, I am sure he is mad enough at himself and suffering from that. It is good you get another scan.. Best thing is to monitor closely at this stage. It’s natural to worry but there is still plenty of space for hope that all will be fine. It’s just the waiting that is a killer! Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Courtney

    At this point in the pregnancy, the heartbeat is most important. Did they tell you the heart rate last week and this week? This early, length measurements can be of based on who scans, but heart rate is the real indicator.

    I’ll be thinking of you. This is never easy, all the monitoring and worrying.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. laurencasto

    So sorry to read this.. I know that first trimester anxiety like the back of my hand. Do they do blood work at all? They should be able to compare blood work within a few days to see if the HCG levels are rising..

    Liked by 1 person

  11. ourgreatestdesire

    I am so sorry that you’re not getting a straightforward answer. This limbo is the worst. I do think it’s a good sign that you can see the heartbeat. When I miscarried, our first u/s was 6w1d and there was no heartbeat. They had me come back in at 7w4d and the baby hadn’t grown at all. Hoping and praying that the fact the baby is growing and there’s a heartbeat will bring you good news soon and you will continue on to a full term pregnancy! Big Hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. j&c

    I don’t even know what to say… I know you must feel so worried… Try and look at the positive side: the baby did grow and there is still a heartbeat. I will keep you in my prayers and send lots of positive, grow baby grow, thoughts your way. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  13. thecommonostrich

    Oh, sweets… this is miserable. It’s the not knowing that’s the worst. When something is final– good or bad– at least you can start working your way through it. Not sure if this is helpful, but remember this is beyond your control. Worrying about it certainly won’t make it better. (Easier said than done. I know.)

    Between now and the next scan, try your best to stay away from Dr. Google (Dr. Google helps NO ONE.) And be kind to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. libraryowl33

    I’m so sorry to hear that you weren’t reassured at this weeks scan. I haven’t been pregnant yet so I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but my thoughts are with you. Definitely take the rest of the day to relax and regroup, and just remember that there is still a heartbeat. You are still pregnant and every day that passes your risk of MC goes down. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Recurrentlyhopeful

    It’s horrible to be in limbo like this. Sometimes the answers we need just aren’t out there. I think there was some real positives in your scan – baby has a heart beat, baby has grown since the last scan. Is it possible that you have simply gotten your dates wrong? With this pregnancy, my baby initially measured 5 days behind…but has now caught up. I think there is hope x

    Liked by 1 person

  16. babyangelb

    I am so sorry. This is very similar to what we went through last week. I am now under the opinion that they have a very hard time determining anything for sure on these early scans. I will be praying for you and I believe that everything is going to be OK.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. RC

    I am so sorry you and T are going through this. I hope Bub catches up with your dates and the next scan your minds at ease
    My fingers are crossed for you

    Liked by 1 person

  18. andthewindscreamsmary

    I’m so sorry hun, that the news was less than ideal and that T wasn’t able to make it there with you. I don’t have any personal experience with this, as my losses all happened much later in pregnancy. But I am hoping that it was just too early or that they couldn’t get the right angle, and that next week you’ll have better news. Hang in there. xxx.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Infertile Before 30

    I know there will be nothing anyone can say to stop you worrying, so I won’t.
    But while you are worrying try and think of the positives, you wee one has a heartbeat and although there is growth from last week.
    I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you x

    Liked by 1 person

  20. carrieawatermelon

    Oh lovely, how terrible. Waiting is the worst, try and stay positive, as difficult as that may be. And it’s horrid that you ended up having to go through that alone. No wonder your terrified. They do tend to be over cautious, so just try and stay positive, that’s the best you can do for you and pizza baby. Sending you lots of love. X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. Sorry I haven’t replied to everyone’s comments. I really appreciate the support. Have just had a horrible week of trying not to think about it whilst also dreading it. Scan is tomorrow morning. 😦

      Like

  21. Pingback: Day 91: Joining the club nobody wants to join | From zero to zygote
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