Day 83: A quick check in

I want to apologise for the radio silence this week. It’s been a really rough week after last week’s scan which was inconclusive. I’ve just tried to get through each day and tried not to think about it – when really I’ve been thinking about it all the time

I really appreciate everyone’s support so thank you to everyone who commented with best wishes and encouragement. It means a lot. I really mean it. Hardly anyone knows so that’s been one of the difficult things. I can’t talk about my fears to anyone. I texted my dad to tell him and asked him to tell my mum not to call (I know she would want to and I can’t face it)… I’ll give them an update tomorrow after our follow up scan. 

For those of you worrying about T, we made it up pretty quickly. He even came home to see me at lunchtime and I just lay on the bed and cried and he looked after me. (I am so not a crier. I didn’t think I would cry. But now I feel like I will if it’s bad news tomorrow.) He is definitely coming to the scan tomorrow!

I’ve been trying to reassure myself with the fact that I’ve had no bleeding. I did a pregnancy test which was still positive. But then did some research to say it still would be, even if I was going to miscarry, so stopped doing any more. But… I don’t seem to have any symptoms. No morning sickness. (I’ve never had any.) Boobs still huge but I’m sure that’s the progesterone. Fat but that will be the pizza. I just feel very despairing about it as I’ve read online (I know I know, I shouldn’t but I wanted to understand the chances) that miscarriages seem to happen a lot around the 8 week mark. The just “not growing” type.

On the positive side I read some balanced facts here about miscarriage. 

If the scan does pick up a heartbeat and the baby appears to be the right size according to your dates, this can be very reassuring, even if you are still bleeding.

Research has shown that if you see a heartbeat at 6 weeks of pregnancy, the chances of the pregnancy continuing are 78%.
A heartbeat at 8 weeks increases the chance of a continuing pregnancy to 98% and at 10 weeks that goes up to 99.4%.

So things could still go wrong and sadly sometimes do, but as long as there is a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage decreases as the weeks go by.

Some of this applies to me (the heartbeat) and some of it doesn’t (the size wasn’t right and I haven’t had any bleeding). 

On some days I dare to think that we have got to be in the 98% and not the unlucky 2% who have a heartbeat at 8 weeks but the pregnancy doesn’t continue. (Our scan last week was 7wks 6days so almost 8 weeks.) But when I got back from the scan I had a lot of stomach cramps. I don’t know if this was stress, or miscarriage, or the fabled “womb expanding” that would be a good sign. I haven’t had that since though. 

I also had an email straight after from the nurse who’d tried to stop me and get me to sit down. The nice supportive one. She said she hoped I was okay and was rooting for me, or words to that effect. I then emailed her back saying thank you for caring and she sent me this one back:

I just didn’t want you to walk away feeling sad and unsupported. We care about you and want you to be happy. We cannot control what is happening in your body but we can certainly help by supporting you emotionally and keeping you informed with what’s happening. So that’s what I want to do! Times like this are so hard because there is nothing we can do to change the outcome.

Next week’s scan will confirm what is happening. It will either be good or bad news. There won’t be any more in between. All we can do is prepare for the worst and continue to hope for the best. I have fingers and toes crossed that the little one was just a little slow to pick up and is going to continue to be a healthy baby. So I’m going to be believing that for the next week.

It was so nice of her. But it kind of solidified things in my mind. I hadn’t been kidding myself or catastrophising. It really was unusual to have to come back for a third scan in 3 weeks and it is horrible to have to wait and see and not be reassured. And even being reassured tomorrow wouldn’t work. It’s just being back to slightly worried rather than really worried. 

So that’s the update. It’s been a horrible week, made better by T and Dog. I have a big cake commission this weekend which will keep me busy, and the party (a landmark birthday) where I’ll know whether I can drink or not. And tell my friends that I’m having a miscarriage, or not. It’s not something I’m looking forward to. 

T has tried to make it better by saying if it doesn’t work (he’s convinced it has though) we will book a big once in a lifetime holiday in a few months. We’ve been wanting to go to The Magic Kingdom for ages. (The proper one in Florida – we go to the European one all the time.) It’s expensive but we are going to do it if the worst happens. Stupidly I wish Dog could come but I don’t think he’d enjoy the rides or the dressed up people! He already barks at the TV every time a dog or animal comes on.

So… Tomorrow. I’ll either be going to The Magic Kingdom… or Mothercare. 
Sending hugs to everyone who’s going through **** right now. (And the rest of you!)

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13 comments

  1. ashleykyleanderson

    I have been thinking about you every day and wanted to reach out but felt as though you might just need some space. I’ve been checking my reader every morning first thing in hopes of seeing something from you, as well as throughout the day, so I’m glad to get this update. I know that being in this limbo must be excruciating and I wish there was something I could do to make this waiting time better for you. Don’t give up yet– pregnancies can vary so much from person to person and I will tell you that Elle hasn’t been having morning sickness either. I am hoping and praying with everything in me that your little one is getting stronger every day and that your next scan is nothing but positive so you can put this terrible time behind you. Then someday you can bring PB to this great country and you will all get to experience the wonder of Magic Kingdom (and Epcot is great too! You can even visit the fake UK there!)– just don’t come the week after Christmas; way too busy!!

    Thinking of you, T, and PB all the time. ❤ Keep us updated when you can.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. j&c

    You have truly been in my thoughts and prayers and I have been checking in to see if there are any updates. I hope that tomorrow will bring good news but if not we are all here for you. Lots of positive, calming thoughts sent your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    I so hope you have to wait until your child is old enough to go to the Magic Kingdom and you don’t get to know this year! 🙂
    The waiting is the absolute worst, and I don’t envy you right now. I hope you get good news tomorrow, but know that I will be here for you no matter what happens. Sending you love and thinking of you often.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Babyscienceproject

    I’ve also been wondering how you are getting on. Your nurse is very thoughtful and she is spot on. I’m sure it’s very hard to remove yourself from worrying about the situation and ‘just be’ though. Best of luck, we are all rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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