Day 84: We’re going to the Magic Kingdom

It’s all over.

We went for the scan today and after an interminable wait (seeing one couple come out crying and another clutching a scan picture of a definite baby) we went and had the scan. 

I could tell from the start that it didn’t look optimistic. I had the same sonographer as last time. She didn’t say much but she did say that she couldn’t see the flicker. Poor T was sitting outside the curtain. The doctor asked me as a starting point if I’d had any bleeding – I haven’t. So it started off pretty badly anyway. The sonographer dug around but nothing.

Pizza baby had vanished. His little heartbeat – the flicker I saw last week, the flicker T and I had seen the week before – was no more. 

I felt strangely numb. I didn’t even cry. I feel like I’ve had all week to come to terms with it. (I probably shouldn’t confess this but I haven’t been to work for the past week as I couldn’t face it.) Poor T took it worse and was kind of leaking from his eyes a bit. I was sort of stoic and asking questions about next steps. 

Next steps are we have an appointment at the “kindly named” Early Pregnancy Unit this afternoon. We had a good chat with my favourite nurse. She kept apologising. The doctor and the sonographer also apologised. I just thought, why are you apologising? It’s not your fault.

This was my first pregnancy.

This will be my first (known) miscarriage. 

I now keep thinking of all my horrific, late periods. Maybe I’ve been pregnant before. 

Why did our baby not make it? Apparently 1 in 4 don’t. I never really realised how late-feeling an “early miscarriage” is. I’ve been going through this process for 84 days. We’ve been going through it for longer emotionally.

We knew that statistically it didn’t look likely for us, with our one embryo and 15 years of infertility and associated problems. I didn’t even let myself hope until I saw nine positive pregnancy tests. 

It happens. We are both kind of stoic about it and we talked about what we would do next. Lots of sex! Might as well enjoy stuff before the next cycle – realistically it’s 4-6 months away for a wait at our hospital. I am going to have a drink. I’m going to drink coffee. I’m going to take hayfever drugs. 

Pros:

We are going to book our tickets to Orlando this weekend.

We can get back to being a couple again and just have sex when we want to and go out drinking when we want to and not worry about stuff. 

Dog is still my best baby-pet-best-friend. 

I can have Pimms and rosé and I don’t have to avoid my friends any more.

I can drink and be carefree at the party this weekend. (I’ve been commissioned to provide the cake and it’s quite an ambitious one.)

I can confide in people if I want to without fear of jinxing anything. 

I can take drugs (hayfever, painkillers) without fear of harming the baby. 

Coffee. Every morning. Hello again Nespresso, my old friend. 

I know that I can get pregnant. I never knew that before. 

I still have the best, wonderful man who is in this with me. 

Cons:

My baby died.

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68 comments

    • Nara

      Thank you for the wishes, and the swearing! 🙂 I think I’ll get round to that eventually. I feel like I’m surrounded by pregnant people. Just got to get my head around it. Thank you.

      Like

  1. Courtney

    I’m so sorry. I know you were mentally prepared, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

    I had an early loss after an FET (which was after our first failed IVF cycle) and the agony of beta test to beta test to beta test and then to the ultrasound of doom was much harder for me than the moving on part after it was finally confirmed. I had an empty sac, no heartbeat, so it is quite different than what you’re going through. Once the D&C was done, I felt a relief that the wondering and waiting was over. I hope you get to feel some of that relief.

    Yes, you can get pregnant, and that’s what the RE told us to focus on. So we did, and the next cycle produced two healthy pregnancies for us (born two years and 1 day apart). That first IVF cycle is a crap shoot, an experiment to figure out how YOUR body will respond. The next cycle will be better because they know so much more about you.

    Enjoy your trip! Disneyworld is AMAZING as an adult without kids. I’m so glad you’re doing this for yourselves before you have to do it with kids in tow. You WILL be doing it again with kids soon enough!

    Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you for this! I find it really reassuring when you say you had a positive result (twice!) after your FET. I think you’re right – I found the waiting (this was the third ultrasound) the worst. In a way I wish they’d said the first ultrasound looked dodgy as then we wouldn’t have got our hopes up. I knew after last week’s that we weren’t really hoping but still, to see the heartbeat meant we had a tiny bit of hope.
      I’m really grateful for you sharing your good experience!

      Like

  2. My Perfect Breakdown

    I am devastated for you right now. Just devastated. For me, the absolute worst part of miscarriage and pregnancy loss is what you are going through – waiting to have the pregnancy products (as they are called here by the doctors) leave your body. I don’t know what options you will be given in the UK, but if you want advice let me know. I’ve had D&C’s, natural and misoprostol, so I can give you the good and the bad on each one.
    Have fun in Disneyworld. After our third loss we ran away to Peru and honestly it was great because our days were packed full and we never had time to dwell on everything we had gone through. I suspect Disneyworld will be the same type of trip for you.
    Sending you so much love my friend. I wish I could wrap you up in a giant hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you so much. I’m sorry if it brought up bad memories for you. We’ve been given 3 options:
      1) Wait for it to happen naturally – they give us 2 weeks for it to happen. I’m not sure if it will as I’ve had no symptoms, no bleeding, but maybe it will. We don’t have to make a decision now so I said I’ll call on Monday.
      2) Drugs to induce miscarriage which apparently work in 80% of cases. It takes 48hrs to work. We have a big party on Saturday which I’m making the cakes for so ideally would prefer it not to happen then. (Does that sound weird?) But maybe if I took them on Monday or next week it might at least move the process along.
      3) Surgery. I guess this is D&C? I’m actually one of those people who sort of likes operations. (I know, I’m sure that’s weird. I just trust doctors! And I like to sleep!)
      I don’t know what we will do. I got a doctor’s note for 2 weeks off. (Another story- will probably do a post about how you get treated after miscarriage…) So no pressure for the next few days at least.
      Thank you for thinking of me. And for the hug!

      Like

      • My Perfect Breakdown

        So, I’ve been through all of the options, and honestly in my opinion I would go for the D&C. I fell into the 20% that the drugs don’t work for and so they are my version of hell – but apparently when they work it can be relatively quick and you skip the surgery.
        All that said, I’ve written about about my experience with all three, check out this post and you’ll find links to the other ones at the bottom. http://myperfectbreakdown.com/2014/11/04/miscarriage-options-misoprostolcytotec/.
        Whatever you decide to do, remember to give yourself some time to grieve and to be kind to yourself. And above all, remember this is not your fault.. Nothing will make this easier, but blaming yourself really wont help.
        Sending you love. You know how to reach me if you need anything.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        Thank you. I’m thinking I may go for it, just to know that it has all gone. My poor little pizza baby! I have a feeling (I don’t know why) that the drugs wouldn’t work for me. And I don’t feel like it’s about to happen naturally. But who knows. Off to read your links. Thank you.

        Like

      • My Perfect Breakdown

        Oh, and I begged to have surgery one time because I had a funeral to go to a few days later. So, it does not sound weird to me at all that you don’t want the actual miscarriage to happen at a specific time.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        I just felt it seemed callous to say to them “Oh I can’t miscarry on Saturday as I have a party to go to and I’m making the cakes!”
        I mean it sounded so flippant – when can I fit in a miscarriage? But if I have to go through it then if there’s any way to control it I think I want to do that. Even if it’s weird.

        Liked by 1 person

      • My Perfect Breakdown

        Maybe just don’t tell the doctor that you have a party and cake making. Maybe tell him it’s a work thing or just an emotional need to have it done? Honestly, I don’t care what you tell them, just push to make it happen sooner rather then later. The waiting is the worst.

        Like

      • Nara

        They were actually fine. It wasn’t a doctor. It was a nurse or someone (who only offered three options and no advice). I definitely have a post brewing about how you’re treated when your baby has died. You aren’t really a person.

        Like

      • Nara

        As in I was just told to pick an option. If I want the op I can have it. I just didn’t feel ready to go from “Your baby is dead” to “Cut him out of me” within a couple of hours.

        Like

      • My Perfect Breakdown

        They are very matter of fact about it here too, and they use all kinds of technical terms that are just horrible to hear about your baby.
        Here there is a big delay in finding out at an ultrasound that our baby died and getting into the clinic specifically for pregnancy loss. The wait drove me crazy each and every time.

        Like

      • My Perfect Breakdown

        I’m sorry your entire experience has been less then ideal. I really wish the medical professionals dealing with loss would learn about compassion, I think it would go a long way to helping women/couples through this time.

        Like

      • Nara

        Well, the Early Pregnancy Unit was right by the neonatal unit! And I kept seeing pregnant women including one in the waiting room with a kid! That really annoyed me! (I realise she could have been going through a miscarriage… But really would have preferred there not to be a kid shouting and making a big deal.) I mean I would have preferred there not to be any pregnant women around but there were lots.

        Like

  3. notabroodychick

    Oh no 😦 I am so very very sorry. I know what you are going through because I was there last year myself, but without the little forewarning you had that it could be a possibility. It was the saddest day of my life. I wanted to leave things to end naturally after all the drugs and treatment but I waited 3 weeks after the scan with no heartbeat with no bleeding or cramping or anything, so in the end I had the ERPC/D&C at hospital which was fine.. In as much as it can ever be fine, but it was good to know the physical side was over. That said I’ve also seen ladies who miscarried naturally very quickly after the news. Not an easy decision how to proceed I know.

    Whilst it is good to focus on next steps and what you can now enjoy, don’t be afraid to wallow and cry too, it is a natural part of the recovery process. Your doctor might sign you off work if you ask? I was signed off for a week after and it was helpful for me. Also don’t be surprised that you will start to feel better slowly every day but then wham you will be hit with a really sad day again out of the blue. It happens to everyone I’ve met in this sad situation.

    Will be thinking you, just take a day at a time, and enjoy the pimms and Magic Kingdom planning – that will be good as a distraction.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Hello. Thanks so much for your well wishes. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this too. It’s not much fun. I’m thinking about surgery too as I’ve had no bleeding or anything. See my reply to MPB… I don’t know yet what we’ll do but I’ve had no symptoms, no bleeding. The doctor has signed me off for 2 weeks which is great. They said I can’t go to work whilst I’m expecting to miscarry… but I don’t want to be waiting 3 weeks and nothing happens. Here they leave it 2 weeks and then recommend option 2 (drugs) or 3 (op). I’m thinking maybe drugs next week.
      I feel sad but I’m not sure it’s really sunk in yet. I had a drink but all it’s given me is a headache!

      Like

  4. libraryowl33

    Oh no, I’m so very sorry. No matter how much ch you had mentally prepared, this is still the crappiest news ever.
    I hope you enjoy your freedom to do whatever the heck you want for the next few months. So many *hugs* to you right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Yeah, it is! I feel like I was sort of prepared. This week has been the worst and it’s almost better(?) now the waiting is over. I still had hope but not very much. At least now we can try and move on. And hopefully go on holiday in a few months!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. stealingnectar

    I am so incredibly sorry. (I know, another person apologizing!) I have been traveling and missed all the latest posts and had to catch up on all of it today. You are going to be such a good mom someday soon. You know I have been in your shoes. Let yourself grieve. It’s also great that you are trying to identify positives. Might as well. My heart breaks for you today. Many hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks so much. I’m trying to think of the positives rather than the negatives. There’s nothing we could have done to change the outcome. I know that at least. I’ve had a week to come to terms with it. Hopefully this means we are closer to success!

      Like

  6. laurencasto

    My heart is broken for you… I’ve always said that I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone, not even my worst enemy, because it’s just an empty sort of devastation. But you do keep going and you do see any positives you can and you will be okay.. And it’s also okay to let yourself dwell for a while if it starts to hit you hard. You’ll pick up the pieces.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. I’m not sure what to expect but I doubt it will be fun. Here’s hoping it’s just like a bad period! I know what you mean about empty… It feels weird we haven’t told anyone and if I did, it would be bad news. I’m not sure how to deal with that. I sort of want to acknowledge it in a way.

      Like

  7. Babyscienceproject

    What awful news – very sorry to hear this. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me when my first miscarriage happened – I cringed when I thought about all the baby stuff I’d discussed and planned. I felt humiliated and like a useless fraud (sounds weird, I know). I had created a somewhat imagined baby that I grieved for. My DH saved me from my miserable self and helped me focus on the simple, good things in life.You have a wonderful man who loves you very much and that is a fabulous thing. Be confident in the fact that you WILL be parents one day, one way or another. For now, chug as much wine as you like and feel free to cry and rant. Then, when you’re ready, put your organising pants back on and plot plan B. Sending you a hug x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ahh I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I was really very cautious about making any baby plans. I told T what buggy I wanted but we hadn’t bought anything apart from a belly band (I never unwrapped it) and a pregnancy diary (I opened it but never wrote in it). I think I always feared the worst. How awful you felt like a fraud. I feel bad but never told anyone really so I don’t feel like I have anything to take back. But I do feel sad for the little normal wishes I had, like the NHS maternity exemption card I’ll have to send back. And the Baby On Board badge I never picked up for the tube. I was going to get it in a few weeks if we made 12 weeks. But we never got that far.
      I had some bubbly (the only thing in the fridge) but it gave me a headache! I’ll just get on with making the cakes I’m meant to be making. Sad times. X

      Like

  8. ourgreatestdesire

    I am so sorry, Hon! I went through this in January and it just sucks. I love that you can think of some pros right now. It’s hard to do that in the midst of all of this. I hate that you even have to though. Sending you lots of love and big hugs and I hope you have a wonderful time in Orlando. You deserve some rest and relaxation!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! So sorry you’ve been through it too. It’s so horrible to have all your dreams crushed. I’ll definitely have a good time on holiday! And weirdly I’m enjoying the idea of having time off work, even if it is sick leave!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. It’s horrible we’re both going through it. I’m grateful that you can reach out when you’re going through this too. It’s tough but we will get through it. Life isn’t fair sometimes!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. She Patiently Waits

    FUCK! God DAMMIT! I seriously have been non-stop thinking of you since your last posts. It was killing me inside knowing what you might be going through. I know this time is pretty sad and all but there are pros to that. What I wouldn’t give to sit down with you and blubber over a box o’ wine. You’re going to have a frickin fantastic time in Orlando. Welcome to our side of the pond! xoxoxo Hang in there…we are ALL loving you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! My reply didn’t pose for some reason. It would be fab to blubber together over some wine! Haha. I’ve had some but I now have a headache. Maybe shouldn’t have had it. I think a trip away will do us good. And it’s my favourite side of the pond! Thank you for your well wishes. I really appreciate it. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Maybe baby

    I’m so sad for you and T, there are no words of consolation. Your story was a source of inspiration for me, I hope that you manage to be strong for yourself.
    Like you said, thank G-d for booze and vacations, I hope it helps speed up the healing process…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Infertile Before 30

    I am truly sorry to hear this. Life is just shit sometimes, I would say life is unfair but it doesn’t do what I’m trying to say justice.
    As you said you know now you can get pregnant, I know some days that’s the last thing you want to hear. It took me a few months to acknowledge this. But you know now it’s possible.

    Take your time before going back to work. Don’t rush and don’t be pressured from your work to return. If your GP is anything like mine they will be sympathetic.

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! My GP is pretty good. Although I always see different ones, the one I think of as “our” GP was super supportive and even got us through to a waiting list when the first one said we were ineligible (T hadn’t been registered with a GP in our local authority for long enough… men! He’d been paying council tax but didn’t change GP from his parents’ home… Possibly because he’s not as much as a hypochondriac as I am!)
      I’m definitely taking time off work. And it’s good to know I can get pregnant. In my late 30s that’s a first.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. We won’t be going on hol for a few months (after summer I think, more like October) but we have a little break next week already planned, with Dog, which is the best type of holiday. X

      Like

  12. Recurrentlyhopeful

    I’m so sorry to hear this. When we lost our second pregnancy we took off to New York and did exactly what your doing – drank coffee, cocktails took decent drugs when I had a headache etc. I know how tough this is. The positive is that if you got pregnant once you can do it again! Thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      You’re right! And I’m glad that someone I “know” has been through this and is doing well now! And hell yeah to the wine… although it gave me a headache this evening. I might crack open the painkillers! Thanks for the kind thoughts x

      Liked by 1 person

  13. RC

    Im so sorry for your loss.
    Im glad you have some time off from work, and time to work out what the right next step for you is.
    I had a mmc at 10 weeks and went for a D&C- for me this was the right option, as I didnt have time off work, and couldn’t wait for it to happen naturally. We also were lucky that we were able to find out why we mc’ed from chromosomal testing.
    Take care of yourself and T x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go through it too. I’m coming round to the idea of getting the D&C. Ill have to see how it goes. I’m meant to be at an all day off-site on Tuesday and although I’ve been signed off I’m worried about missing it. 😦

      Like

  14. theskyandback

    I’m so sorry. This is just awful. Fuck this! I’m glad that now at least you know definitively, but I so wish it was a different outcome. I agree with MPB above that D & Cs are pretty easy. I’ve had two and it was just mild cramping after. I’m so sorry you have to go through this experience. It’s just not fair. Like, beyond unfair! Good for you for going to Orlando, though! That will be awesome. I love Disney. Sending love and hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! I’m beginning to think D&C is the way forward. I can’t imagine just sitting around waiting to miscarry. I guess I’ll see what the weekend brings. And hopefully we will get to go on a good holiday!

      Like

      • Disorderly Love

        I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago & was told just that….they gave me the same stat & told me a lot of people have miscarriages without even knowing they were pregnant.
        Doesn’t make it any easier while you’re going through it….but, hopefully, it will be much better the next time around ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  15. ashleykyleanderson

    Oh no. 😦 I am so heartbroken to hear this and so very sorry that this is happening to you. I wish I had the right words to give you comfort, but I know that there is nothing I can really say to make it better. You are a clearly a very strong woman and I so admire you for that, but do let yourself grieve when you need to. Please know that you have been on my mind a lot these last several days and I will continue to keep you and T (and Dog) in my thoughts and prayers. PB was very special ❤ and you are too. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  16. yearningformotherhood

    Oh chick, this is such sad news. I’ve got night-brain after my night shift, but I didn’t want to just read this and “run”.
    I’m glad that you are able to put a stoical hat on and that you have a lot of positive things going on. As you rightly say, you *can* get pregnant on the back of IVF so perhaps that will give you the hope and strength that you need as you move forward. Crack open the wine, and put your feet up for now though x

    Like

  17. carrieawatermelon

    Oh shit sweetheart, im so so sorry. How heartbreaking for you both. You’ve got the right idea though, wine and Disneyworld.
    Ive also wondered why EPU is right ne t door to antenatal. Especially as medical professionals make it quite clear that they don’t consider it a ‘baby’ until much later on. Its very insensitive. Ugh. Im honestly so so sad for you. So many hugs lovely

    Like

  18. Pingback: Day 91: Joining the club nobody wants to join | From zero to zygote
  19. miku

    Words cant express how sorry I am for this loss. I have not long read all your recent posts. I wont bombard you with a barrage of comments, but just know that you are in my thoughts. I hope… i pray that the mental and physical pain eases as quickly as possible. Be good to yourself. x

    Like

  20. Pingback: The talking cure | From zero to zygote

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