Life is really not all bad. You’d be forgiven for thinking that my life is unrelenting doom if you read my last few posts, and I’m still getting my head around the idea of my first ever pregnancy and miscarriage happening within a few weeks of each other. But I did want to mention that there are some good things in life too. (My happy things: T and Dog and chocolate.) I’ve stopped counting the days now, which seems kind of poignant somehow but I feel like the worst of the miscarriage is over so I guess this cycle of IVF and my pregnancy is truly over now.
We decided a while ago we’d have a little summer break (long weekend) with Dog and that weekend has rolled around now. So it’s nice that we get to spend some time together, and we are both obsessed with Dog and we find it nice to have a little holiday with him. The holiday hasn’t actually started yet as we are leaving tomorrow and have a couple of days next week. We are going to the beach and staying in a dog friendly B&B. It looks lovely on the website. Here’s hoping Dog behaves! Haha.
Because we don’t have a car we rented one as we live in London where you have to be rich to have a car! We picked it up today so decided to take a trip to IKEA. Because we have a car and because, well, IKEA. It’s a tiny bit bittersweet as I was hoping we could maybe look at nursery things, but we still had a nice time. I’m one of those people who loves hot dogs so I was happy! (For those of you who don’t have IKEA, it’s a Swedish furniture store which also has Swedish food… It’s kind of a way of life!)
T has been really lovely after I said to him that I was feeling sad. He made me dinner last night which was nice as he usually leaves the cooking to me! And my favourite, pancakes for breakfast. He recently ordered a load of pans for me as our pans were quite old, and one of them is a crepe pan = far superior pancakes. This morning we had pancakes made with almond milk. He prefers normal cows’ milk but I prefer not to think of little baby cows being taken away from their mothers. I don’t have the same issue with hens as we always have free range eggs… I don’t see this as such a cruel thing. I am very conflicted – I should be vegan really but there are meats I like, such as bacon and hot dogs and pepperoni, ie the processed meats. I haven’t really gotten to veganism yet, although I often flirt with the idea.
Also I’ve had a lot of nice things come through the post. My folks sent a card (Van Gogh’s sunflowers, funnily enough, after spending a day last week piping Van Gogh’s Starry Night onto a cake!), my brother who lives overseas sent a lovely bucket of flowers (literally a bucket!), my sister sent me a bouquet of flowers and a pack of Molton Brown bath and shower gel (I have always loved it), and even my typically unthoughtful brother sent me a card. My folks transferred me some money so I could go and get a massage and facial which I’ve booked for next week when I’ll still be off work. I never usually have time for things like that and what’s nice is one of my friends does beauty treatments so I can go and see her. The few friends I told have messaged me quite a lot to see how I am. My folks would have come to visit but my mum’s been in hospital (hopefully just a standard scheduled surgery) and we had the mini break booked. So I did feel cared about. (T remarked that we should do this every week – typical British dark humour!)
And then, really surprisingly I received this in the post from “all your colleagues at [work]”. Which was a real shocker.
Now don’t get the idea that my work is super nice and sympathetic – I only told one person (the nice partner I do a lot of work for and get on with) that I was ill – and I what I actually said was that I needed an emergency op (because I did at the time – I was scheduled for the ERPC this week but the miscarriage superseded it… I would *never* tell my work about TTC or miscarriage or even pregnancy unless it’s unavoidable, as we already get sidelined enough as females). He’s really nice and because of the nature of my work I end up working for lots of different people (most of whom are nowhere near as nice), so I don’t have a line manager as such who’d be responsible for sending stuff like this. I’m guessing it must have been him who asked his PA to send it to me or something, as they typically aren’t very thoughtful at work… Nobody sent anything last year when I had the op for my endometriosis. So I’ll definitely have to find out and thank him.
Aside from that, T and I have been watching mammoth runs of Say Yes To The Dress. It’s his new favourite show after I introduced him to it! Quite funny really. He really is an ideal man although sometimes I think he might be gay! I don’t watch TV that much when he’s not there as I tend to read a lot of books instead, but this past week I’ve been watching junk TV (TLC, my guilty pleasure, I mean, Toddlers and Tiaras… Wtf?!) as I keep dozing off whilst reading, so he’s sort of gotten into it. I do tend to watch a lot of wedding shows as I think he might get the idea by osmosis! (He always says we won’t get married… as I’m already married… That’s a whole ‘nother story which I’ll explain at some point. We’ve been together long enough to be cohabiting, dog, joint bank account and TTC so don’t worry!)
I’m feeling better in myself although I still feel slightly under the weather. I’ve had a bad headache today and yesterday. But most of the bleeding seems to have stopped (for now, touch wood). I’m just trying to take it easy and not do anything too strenuous. I think when I go back to work it will hit me more. Right now without work the majority of stress and upset in my life is absent but as soon as I’m back I’ll feel stressed again, and I think I’ll also realise that I’m not getting to go on maternity leave any time soon.
Some of our friends who are pregnant keep hassling us to meet up and I had to tell T yesterday that I really didn’t feel up to going to celebrate someone’s pregnancy when I’ve just had a miscarriage. I think he got it. But I do wonder whether he fully understands. He is good to me when I explain to him how I’m feeling, but I sort of feel like it hasn’t really affected him like it’s affected me. I don’t expect it to – I know it’s not a physical thing for him – and I don’t want to drag him down. But I sort of wanted him to understand why I wouldn’t want to go and hang out with our pregnant friends and why it might be difficult for me to hear.
To be honest – I think most people just find it something that we need to get over quickly, like being dumped or something – like, just get drunk and get over it. I’ve probably even been guilty of feeling like that about other friends.
I’m not going to get drunk and get over it.
Also, this is completely irrational but I keep having these little insidious thoughts. (I know these are stupid thoughts so please don’t take them seriously – I just want this blog to be an honest account of my IVF and infertility experience.)
How can people complain when they haven’t had 15 years of infertility and not being pregnant? Six months/a year/two years of infertility is nothing compared to what I’ve been through!
How can people be bothered about “infertility” when they already have one or more children? Why can’t they be grateful for the child(ren) they have? I would be beyond happy with one!
Why is it so goddamn easy for everyone else to get pregnant? Why are overweight/ smoking/ drinking women all mothers? It’s not fair!
Why am I surrounded by pregnant people? Why does everyone apart from me have kids?
Why does everyone we know who wants to get pregnant just get pregnant without even trying? Why does everyone have a honeymoon baby?
Why does everyone we know get pregnant and have children without having any miscarriages? If it happens to 1 in 4, where are all the people I know who’ve had a miscarriage?
I know I’m being completely irrational here, but let’s face it, if you can’t be irrational and self indulgent on your own blog, where can you? And the thing with miscarriages – nobody talks about them, so maybe we know people who have. (Probably not all the honeymoon babies, unless they’ve been trying before.)
That’s the thing. You can’t know anyone else’s truth. Everyone Insta-filters their life. What they tell us is usually the nice stuff. (I only know one friend my age who’s had a miscarriage, and a few older people who have children who’ve mentioned having miscarriages. I think maybe people only talk about them when they are already “safe” with having their kids already.)
I keep reminding myself that I’m a thousand times happier than I was a few years ago when my marriage was over and I was in a horrible dark place. I have a pretty good (the best I’ve ever had by a long shot) relationship with a guy I love and trust and have fun with (and want to be the father of my child) and I have the most awesome dog in the universe (guaranteed and independently verified by my animal hating dad, and my dad knows everything) and I have a job that might be difficult but I have a job that pays me enough money to live, and I haven’t been made redundant like a few people we know lately, which would be really hard. I have easy access to chocolate and wine and pizza! I mean, I live in freaking paradise!
Those bad things are things I can make myself not think about for minutes and hours at a time. I can read a book and escape from infertility. I can watch a TV show and forget about the stresses of my job. I can cuddle with T and Dog and forget about miscarriage.
Everyone says to be kind to yourself so that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m not trying right now to lose weight, even though it’s something that bothers me the most. We have two full months after this month before our holiday in October, so that’s a decent time to diet and get rid of some rolls of flab. I am not thinking about work until I go back (I refuse to!). I’m just going to take it easy.
I’m going to remember the small happinesses, and I’m going to stick them all together and see if I can make a big happy.
Billboard on our first trip to NYC – T surprised me for our first Valentine’s Day when we’d only been going out a couple of months. I got him a book – I think I got the better deal! NYC is one of our happy places.