Day 94: Stopped counting too soon

I woke up bleeding. I’d felt a kind of dull ache all day but I thought that the bleeding had stopped, so it was an unwelcome surprise to find there was still more to come. The pain had gotten worse too. It took a while to wake up – I’d been dreaming of miscarriage anyway, but I kind of resisted having to be awake and deal with it physically. As if I hadn’t had enough blood. I worked out that it’s exactly a week since the miscarriage started, down to the time of night when I woke up in pain a week ago and the contractions started. At least I know I have already passed my baby.

I draft this post, my response to the pain of the last few weeks, because I can’t wake up T who is slumbering the sleep of the contented beside me. It’s 3 am UK time. I can pick up little Dog who is snoring by my feet and give him a cuddle, although I know it will be a matter of minutes before he wriggles from my grasp and heads down to the end of the bed again, to take his place as our guardian (and directly in front of the fan – it’s still hot and stuffy in London).

This is the experience of miscarriage. The mundane, the pain, suffered alone. It’s not insurmountable. I can deal with it. But if I could take it away, I would.

If I’d have known that this could have been the result of IVF, maybe I’d have balked. Maybe I will think twice before the next round. This is the real, physical, tangible manifestation of lost hope. Before it was a vague idea of loss, building upon years of dull loss, of unexplained infertility. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Except this. Blood, tissue, loss, rejection. My body expelling my baby whilst my heart begs him to stay; just give me one more week at a time of being pregnant… Let me feel what it’s like to carry a child. Let my baby wriggle inside me and grow and let my body push him out not now, but in seven months. Let me carry a baby to term. Let me be a mother.

I’m not a religious person. I don’t know who to ask.

I ask all the fertile mothers: Give me just one of your many healthy pregnancies. You can spare one. I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask for more than you have. Just one.

I ask the universe: Let me do what we almost managed to do. I’m a good person. I try my best to be nice to people. I don’t actively do harm. I won’t complain. My child will be the most wanted child.

I ask Mother Nature: Let me do what I was designed to do. Make my pain every month worthwhile. Don’t make me suffer in vain. I can take the pain if you can give me this one thing.

I don’t ask for more than what countless women take for granted. I don’t want riches. I don’t ask for beauty. I don’t want a superpower.

Please let me be a mother.

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27 comments

  1. babyangelb

    I am so sorry. I cry as u read your words. I am so hoping this physical pain will be over for you soon even though I know it will hurt emotionally for quite some time.

    Like

    • Nara

      I’m so sorry you’re still waiting. I only hope that it’s not too painful for you. It is such a rubbish process! You’d really think we could have evolved a bit more by now! I know that the physical pain will pass but the emotional pain will take longer… But I’m sure that we can try and grab happiness from our days.

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  2. babyyesno

    I am so sorry, I had a cry when I read your post. As a member of the miscarriage club I have felt the same way and asked the same questions. I’m glad you have T and the dog for support. X

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  3. pinksnow78

    Right now I’m in a hospital bed having had a miscarriage today at 12 weeks. I’d not blogged about my pregnancy as wanted to wait till my 12 week scan on Thursday. We didn’t make it. I so feel your pain and hope us bloggers can offer some support to each other. Hugs.

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    • Nara

      Oh I’m so sorry. How awful for you I hope you are not in too much pain. It’s so horrible. I am so sorry you didn’t make it and I hope you have someone to hug you x

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    • Nara

      Thank you… I do feel like I am wallowing a bit and I’m not doing that in real life – we are on our mini break so I’m having a lovely time and trying not to feel too sad! It’s good to work through this stuff in my head I think. Thanks so much for your support x

      Liked by 1 person

      • stealingnectar

        I agree. It’s good to try and LIVE as much as you can when you are sad, but to take a meditation break through your writing to process the deep disappointment is also very healthy. Xo

        Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Aww thank you. I’m honestly not wallowing so much as I am here… This is my way of working through my feelings. It’s very cathartic! It’s not fun to go through miscarriage but hopefully it will be a footnote in my life rather than a chapter x

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  4. marmite1983

    I’m also a member of this unfortunate club. My mmc was nearly 3 months ago now and I still found myself crying on my way into work this morning but it does get easier to handle with time, it has just become a part of my life. My dog has been such a comfort to me too, although, as you say, cuddles have been short lived, especially in this warm weather. I’m sure you will try again, as we probably all will, just try to give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically first. My desire for a baby far outweighs any hesitation I feel about the risk of more pain and I’m determined to get our baby one day. Stay strong, sending you big hugs x

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    • Nara

      Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. Poor you! I’m only coping right now as I’m off work for a couple of weeks. Dogs are the best, aren’t they? Lots of dog cuddles needed. I’m sure we will try again too… I hope the heartbreak is worth it. It definitely would be if we could make it through a pregnancy. Look after yourself x

      Like

  5. Jein

    I’m so so sorry to read about your loss. I have tears in my eyes, and I can only imagine all you’ve gone through. You sound like a strong person, and it is good to go through your emotions, and writing is a good way of doing that. Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Oh thank you! It’s really nice to hear from you again. I’m okay… We are on a little holiday (long weekend) so my mind is more on relaxation than anything else! Thanks for your well wishes! X

      Like

    • Nara

      Thank you. I wish there was an easy way to fix it too. It seems mad that this is the only way! I know I’m not alone… We have had a nice mini break and it has been great. I so appreciate your support. Thank you xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: After miscarriage: moving forward | From zero to zygote

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