2am: Sometimes it feels as though everyone in the world is pregnant.
Or has just popped a sprog.
Today: Another birth announcement. (Our friends who I refused to see whilst pregnant as I was having a miscarriage. I guess they were further along than we thought.)
Yesterday: An ex colleague on Facebook. He’s about 10 years younger than me (okay maybe not quite, but a lot) and another brand new effortless year-after-wedding baby to show and tell.
My sister in law is pregnant. I even bought a little jacket and bloomers (because who doesn’t find bloomers just the cutest funniest thing?) as she knows the gender.
Last week: I threw a baby shower for a girl at work. I even managed to dodge most of the chat about kids. I am just the total good baby-friend.
I told T that I was feeling sad and he asked why. I sort of explained. He’s good with hugs. He asked how pregnant I would be. I stopped counting as it would be too painful. I know I’d be into my second trimester by now. People would know. Maybe I would have a bump. I still get random abdominal pain and I wonder what’s going on with that fibroid. I don’t have an appointment until October so I guess I’ll find out then.
Meanwhile: I’m still a bit bruised from the whole forum experience. I think I took it to heart more than I really should have. I just feel like I don’t like to be told negative stories about adoption. I know they happen, but it’s not my experience and it makes me feel emotionally exhausted to feel like I have to justify that. Or maybe there’s some kind of deep seated feelings it has stirred up. I don’t know. All I know is I felt pretty bad about the whole episode and I now almost want to go and delete everything I ever wrote on there. It kind of feels like they are vicious and mocking of people who don’t feel like they do, and I feel like I was too open. Anyway, I’m staying away. It didn’t help that someone PMed me from the forum saying thanks for my contributions, and I explained I’d left the forum and then she didn’t reply. Kind of made me feel like a loser. I need to stop feeling like that – it’s like being back at school! I’m not that kind of person any more. I refuse to be bullied.
Aside from that I’ve been rabidly looking forward to the magic kingdom trip. Not long now! I bought a load of tops and things from various places so I think I can have an entirely themed wardrobe for the trip! That’s sort of exciting. I’m just trying to concentrate on fun, positive stuff.
It’s the weekend so spent lots of time with Dog, which has been nice. We did some long walks and we even went to look at a house. The place was completely eccentric and would have been fun if not on a main road! But quite nice to dream.
Tomorrow I’m going to do something nice for someone else. It was my mum’s birthday a while ago and I said I would take her to somewhere posh for afternoon tea and we’d have a day out in London. She wanted to go when the schools were back and she’s had time to recover from an op, so I have the day off tomorrow. She is coming for a day trip and we are going to visit Buckingham Palace! It’s only open for a couple of months a year when the royals are on holiday. It’s really fun to go around and see all the fancy rooms, although it’s very crowded! Then we are going to Claridges for afternoon tea. I’m an afternoon tea aficionado but haven’t been to Claridges yet so I’m looking forward to that. Also it’s just nice to spoil my mum. Now that I’m older it is really nice to be able to treat my parents! And will be nice just to have a mother daughter day.
So anyway, I guess what I’m saying is I’m feeling a teensy bit sorry for myself, in an infertile barren way. But I know there are good things too. I have fun things to look toward to. I have a wedding cake to make this month, which I’m planning to be epic! I still have all the good things in life, for which I’m grateful. I just get a little sad sometimes.