A late night thought

2am: Sometimes it feels as though everyone in the world is pregnant. 

Or has just popped a sprog. 

Today: Another birth announcement. (Our friends who I refused to see whilst pregnant as I was having a miscarriage. I guess they were further along than we thought.)

Yesterday: An ex colleague on Facebook. He’s about 10 years younger than me (okay maybe not quite, but a lot) and another brand new effortless year-after-wedding baby to show and tell. 

My sister in law is pregnant. I even bought a little jacket and bloomers (because who doesn’t find bloomers just the cutest funniest thing?) as she knows the gender. 

Last week: I threw a baby shower for a girl at work. I even managed to dodge most of the chat about kids. I am just the total good baby-friend. 

I told T that I was feeling sad and he asked why. I sort of explained. He’s good with hugs. He asked how pregnant I would be. I stopped counting as it would be too painful. I know I’d be into my second trimester by now. People would know. Maybe I would have a bump. I still get random abdominal pain and I wonder what’s going on with that fibroid. I don’t have an appointment until October so I guess I’ll find out then. 

Meanwhile: I’m still a bit bruised from the whole forum experience. I think I took it to heart more than I really should have. I just feel like I don’t like to be told negative stories about adoption. I know they happen, but it’s not my experience and it makes me feel emotionally exhausted to feel like I have to justify that. Or maybe there’s some kind of deep seated feelings it has stirred up. I don’t know. All I know is I felt pretty bad about the whole episode and I now almost want to go and delete everything I ever wrote on there. It kind of feels like they are vicious and mocking of people who don’t feel like they do, and I feel like I was too open. Anyway, I’m staying away. It didn’t help that someone PMed me from the forum saying thanks for my contributions, and I explained I’d left the forum and then she didn’t reply. Kind of made me feel like a loser. I need to stop feeling like that – it’s like being back at school! I’m not that kind of person any more. I refuse to be bullied. 

Aside from that I’ve been rabidly looking forward to the magic kingdom trip. Not long now! I bought a load of tops and things from various places so I think I can have an entirely themed wardrobe for the trip! That’s sort of exciting. I’m just trying to concentrate on fun, positive stuff. 

It’s the weekend so spent lots of time with Dog, which has been nice. We did some long walks and we even went to look at a house. The place was completely eccentric and would have been fun if not on a main road! But quite nice to dream. 

Tomorrow I’m going to do something nice for someone else. It was my mum’s birthday a while ago and I said I would take her to somewhere posh for afternoon tea and we’d have a day out in London. She wanted to go when the schools were back and she’s had time to recover from an op, so I have the day off tomorrow. She is coming for a day trip and we are going to visit Buckingham Palace! It’s only open for a couple of months a year when the royals are on holiday. It’s really fun to go around and see all the fancy rooms, although it’s very crowded! Then we are going to Claridges for afternoon tea. I’m an afternoon tea aficionado but haven’t been to Claridges yet so I’m looking forward to that. Also it’s just nice to spoil my mum. Now that I’m older it is really nice to be able to treat my parents! And will be nice just to have a mother daughter day. 

So anyway, I guess what I’m saying is I’m feeling a teensy bit sorry for myself, in an infertile barren way. But I know there are good things too. I have fun things to look toward to. I have a wedding cake to make this month, which I’m planning to be epic! I still have all the good things in life, for which I’m grateful. I just get a little sad sometimes. 

  
Some recent torrential rain in London to dampen the tootsies if not the spirits!

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29 comments

  1. MrsD

    Don’t be too hard on yourself- your loss is still very recent and honestly I think you’re handling it very well. I STILL can’t even stand to hear the words “baby shower” let alone host one! For me, the first year after my miscarriage was the absolute hardest- thinking of how far along I would be, the due date, etc. Give yourself permission to grieve at your own pace- there is nothing wrong with feeling sad, or envious, or angry, or whatever feeling it is. And I think you did the right thing in stepping back from the forum- it sounded like nothing but negativity and judgment from a bunch of angry, unhappy people and that is something you definitely don’t need right now!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. I don’t think I really spend a lot of time feeling bad about it. Honestly! I spend a lot of time busy doing stuff and I’m generally happy with things. It did seem last week was kind of nuts in terms of babies though! Maybe everyone gets them out in summer! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m glad that it got better for you. X

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  2. Courtney

    I am super excited for you to take your trip to the Magic Kingdom. I just LOVE Disney as an adult! Hottie never understood this, said he hated the place (but had never been), and then after taking Matthew at 21 months (a trip I fought and cried for), he now wishes we’d gone together before we had kids. I am JEALOUS of you! We are planning to go in the winter/spring, but it’s not the same with kids. You will have a ball, enjoy the music and bars, love EPCOT, and just have a terrific time!

    Have a GREAT time with your mum. What fun! I’m envious of gals who have good relationships with their moms. You’re lucky!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Hahaha yes. I think I’m lucky I have managed to meet someone who also appreciates the joys of the Magic Kingdom! It’s really fun doing all the planning. So nice! ๐Ÿ™‚ We have got a load of Mickey and Minnie themed clothing now so I reckon I can get through the week there only wearing themed clothes, haha! Oh and it’s the EPCOT food and wine festival when we’re there – how fun is that?!

      I had a great time with my mum! It’s really nice to see her and be able to treat her once in a while! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  3. bgw2thek

    There’s nothing wrong with feeling a little sad sometimes. We all have things that are good and that we can be thankful for. But what we ladies are going through is a roller coaster. We have good days and bad. I always wish the good days would last a little longer but that’s part of the struggle. Have a wonderful day tomorrow with your mum. “Hugs”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! I was feeling a little sorry for myself but I’m back to my usual self now! I think it was just a late night insomnia thing. I had a lovely day with my mum! We just have to focus on the nice things in life. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. stealingnectar

    Big hugs your way. I know that sad/lonely feeling and I hate that you have it…bit think it is perfectly natural to feel that way for a good while (off and on) after miscarriage. I am sorry the forum disturbed you too. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ You were such a rockstar and I think you did more healing and good than you know! On another note – Disney is right around the corner! I am so happy you have that planned and have outfits as well!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks love. I am getting over myself, haha! Pity party!!!!!! No I’m fine. I think I just was feeling a bit sorry for myself but have perked up with afternoon tea! ๐Ÿ™‚
      Maybe I’ll eventually go back to the forum but not for a while. I’m definitely someone who’s better at being around positive people rather than negative ones! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The crazy stork lady

    Sorry to hear you are feeling rubbish, although it’s completely understandable that you are. For what it’s worth, I’ve been feeling sad about other people’s pregnancies etc for the past year (see https://breakingupwithcontraception.wordpress.com/2015/09/05/why-it-feels-good-even-just-to-be-trying-for-a-baby/) and that’s without even having been trying myself til just now. I think this type of feeling is more common that we all admit to in real life! (See also Koru and Thistle’s post: https://wordpress.com/read/post/id/94239814/43). But I can only imagine how much worse it must be having been through the loss and grief of a miscarriage. I read a good post the other day on The Vintage Spruce’s blog about what not to say to someone who has had a miscarriage – maybe something you might find helpful. It’s https://wordpress.com/read/post/id/56572389/579

    On a separate note, it’s a real shame to hear that your forum experience went badly – I thought the whole point of those things was for us women to support one another (sure, sometimes we won’t agree, but that’s no need to resort to playground bullying tactics.).

    Finally, I hope you have an amazing trip and feel better soon. Take care of yourself. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you for all these links! I’m catching up on blog stuff so will add these to my to read list. I’m just sorry we have to go through this. It really sucks and there is very little resource or ability (in the UK) to talk about this stuff.
      Thanks re the forum. I think I’ve probably overreacted. I mean, it’s immaterial to them whether I’m there or not so it’s wasteful for me to spend a lot of emotional time on it! Thank you for commenting and I’m looking forward to catching up on your blog! X

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      • The crazy stork lady

        Completely agree, I’m British too and it wasn’t until someone close to me miscarried that I even realised how high the rate of miscarriage was. It just seems to be a super taboo subject, which surely can’t help in dealing with it when it does happen. Anyway, I hope the links are of interest and that you feel better soon. Take care. Ps. I hope I didn’t overload you with them! If so, I’m sorry- wasn’t my intention at all, I’m new to this blogging malarkey so still figuring out how things work round here! X

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  6. mamajo23

    I think it is smart of you to take away any negativity in your life ( the forum). Who needs them when you have us, right? All joking aside- just keep in mind that interaction is just a few random individuals- not the forum as a whole. I don’t want you to feel like they are all against you. Pregnancy announcements always sting no matter who it is. Sending you a big hug and hope you have a great time with your Mom!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Hahaha yes, I don’t need anyone apart from yooooou! ๐Ÿ˜‰
      I know what you mean. I think it was based on previous forum experience where I got really embroiled in that community a few years ago. It kind of took over my life a bit (was related to a hobby) and it was all a bit incestuous as we knew folk in real life too. I just didn’t want it to get like that, especially as I found it quite negative and traumatic to watch the WAPs get the (metaphorical) **** kicked out of them again and again! That isn’t fun to me!
      Thanks for the hug! I had a great time with my mum – I even discussed the forum with her so that was interesting! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  7. ourgreatestdesire

    I’m sorry that the forum made you feel bad…you have enough going on with your loss to have any outside negativity. Tea with your Mum sounds perfect and how cool to be able to go through Buckingham Palace. Hugs and love, my Friend!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Ah, they open it to the public for around two months a year – it’s really good fun. I went last year and we had a great time. You should definitely visit if you’re ever in London at the right time of year – it’s mad to see such riches! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for the hugs x

      Like

  8. countyourselfunlucky

    Sorry to hear that you’re feeling sad, you’ve been through so much it’s totally normal. That forum stuff sounded awful – I’m glad that you decided to ditch it. It seems so hurtful that they wanted to invalidate your feelings about your own experiences… it may not seem like it (and I hope this doesn’t sound glib) but there is so much going for you – the fact that you are able (despite everything that has happened) to act so thoughtfully to those around you who are pregnant is a testament to you strength and kindness, you definitely deserve some good karma.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ah, thank you my dear! I am not sure I am that nice… I just sort of get on with things. It does seem so frustrating having to deal with this stuff but blogging has been a real lifeline. Before I started it I felt like I was pretty much the only person in the world who was going through it! I appreciate you all so much! X

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  9. My Perfect Breakdown

    I’m sorry you are having a rough go of it right now – but remember to be kind to yourself. No-one, you included, are expected to weather this IF/miscarriage storm perfectly well every day. We all have our bad days.
    P.S. I hope you had an amazing day with your mom!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. ashleykyleanderson

    I’m with the others, it is totally okay to have a down day (or night) when something hits you, especially since you are the kind of person who works so hard at being positive and building others up around you when they are hurting. A stiff upper lip is not necessary at all times! Even if you Brits are conditioned otherwise ๐Ÿ˜‰

    So glad that you have this Disney trip to look forward to. I can’t wait to hear about it and see what you’ve planned– I will probably be learning from you about what we can do there next time! Your trip actually reminds me of ours last year. That is when I picked up a little Paddington bear to take with me through the upcoming treatments and appointments as well as keep my hopes up. I bought it for myself since it felt too hard to buy it for “someone else,” but I hoped to give it away someday and in a few months it will be Sweet Pea’s. Maybe you can bring home a little Mickey mouse home with you or, if that still feels too scary, I will make sure to get one to you when you are ready for it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

    • Nara

      Ah, thanks chick! I love that you have a little Paddington Bear for Sweet Pea! I love Paddington – I was actually at Paddington Station yesterday! If you ever need more British stuff let me know… We can arrange a shipment! ๐Ÿ™‚

      We will definitely be bringing home a Mickey and Minnie! I think we’re getting the halloween ones. We have planned loads of fun stuff and also I have a lot of stuffed toys so it shouldn’t be a problem! I can’t wait!

      Like

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