HONY: I lost a baby…

From the popular page Humans of New York (HONY). I have tears in my eyes as I read it.   

“I lost a baby at the end of May. I was just a little over two months into the pregnancy. I wasn’t showing or anything. And I hadn’t announced the pregnancy yet. So I don’t think that the baby seemed real to anyone else. But it was real to me. Every time I passed a children’s store, I’d look in the window and smile. I began to look closely at all the different types of strollers people were pushing down the street. I bought a little monkey for the baby that I carried around with me. I started planning our life together. Then one day it felt like someone was stabbing me in the lower abs. I went to the doctor, and they told me that I’d had an ectopic pregnancy, and the baby was lost. I felt really alone afterward because most of my friends hadn’t even known the baby existed. They couldn’t understand how I felt. Part of it was my fault. I didn’t want to talk about it. Yet I still expected everyone to understand.”

Via Humans of New York (© Brandon Stanton, HONY). Click here for the full story and comments. 

It’s all so true, the idea that you didn’t just lose a ball of cells – you lose all the hopes and dreams you had for your child. I wrote a while back how I had planned exactly the buggy (stroller) I was going to get. I did all these things. And hundreds and thousands of other women have too. The club that nobody wants to join. I scrolled through some of the comments and there are just so many of us. 

There are also all the ones who now have children. (I guess this is meant to give hope, but tonight it just makes me feel sad.)

The ones who believe their babies are playing together with other dead babies in heaven. (I wish I had the comfort of religion but I don’t. My baby died… He’s not playing anywhere.)

The ones who spout platitudes. (Maybe I won’t have a baby “when the time is right”. Maybe I’ll never have one. Maybe there’s just something wrong with me that means I can never have one.)

And my sisters in loss and grief. I don’t know if it’s better to know there are so many of us, or worse. I used to feel completely alone in this before I started blogging, so it has helped me “meet” (and meet!) some really great people. But I don’t understand why when we’re in 2015 that they don’t have ways of preventing this happening to “1 in 4”. 

(Again… My obsession with stats comes into play… I don’t think it’s 1 in 4 women but 1 in 4 pregnancies. Some women have more than their fair share of heartbreaking loss. Some never experience it. It seems unfair that anyone has to.)

And everything about this post rings true for me. It’s weird because I really didn’t want to talk about it, but then I felt angry and sad that people didn’t understand. I still don’t like talking about it but I’ve started to open up to one or two people now and again. It’s tough to put yourself out there. Lots of people have, in the comments… Have shared their stories to show that this lady is not alone. 

We are not alone. Sometimes it feels like that in this world full of mothers and pregnant women, but there’s a whole sisterhood of loss. 

One of the comments had this picture in and I just about kept it together. 

  
It’s all so sad…

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18 comments

  1. eveclo

    That photo 😢 heartbreaking. I have never been able to actually ‘get’ pregnant but we do lose our embryos once they are transferred into me and the bond you form with the idea of them, the possibility that they could somehow become everything you’ve hoped for is so strong. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of getting even closer but yet so far.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. I was in the same boat for years… I’ve never ever gotten pregnant naturally. The only way I did was through IVF. I hope that there’s some kind of intervention for all of us that can help… This post really resonated with me even though I didn’t have an ectopic – that way that people dismiss the pain of infertility / miscarriage as though it doesn’t count. It does count!

      Like

  2. Recurrently Unlucky

    This really resonates with me. It’s so hard and so few people understand how we feel. Most will say these unhelpful platitudes and it just make me want to hide away in my pain. Like you, I don’t have the comfort of religion, so I only carry the memory of my babies with me, in my heart. I don’t expect to ever see them. Maybe it would be easier if I would. I’m sorry we have this in common, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

    Like

    • Nara

      Ah, I’m sorry we have it in common too. And another fellow non-believer! I have found that a lot of people out there do believe (which they have every right to but it means that I don’t process my experience in the same way… I don’t think there is a good side to it). It’s the comments that got me! Some people saying nice things but a lot of platitudes. I know they mean well but… I hate those platitudes. I don’t think God is just hanging out waiting for the “right time” for me to get pregnant. It would be pretty mean of Him if He was!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Recurrently Unlucky

        So true! What makes me really angry is this one: “I know you’re going to have a baby, I just know!” It makes me wanna scream!! HOW exactly you know that, when no doctor can promise me that?! Why people think these empty promises are helpful is beyond me!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        Ha, yes… It’s difficult isn’t it? I think people just want to say something that sounds comforting, but sometimes it makes me want to scream! Especially “At least you now know you can get pregnant”. Oh, what a consolation that it only happened after 15 years and medical interventions!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Surviving Infertility

    So sad. Im sorry u are feeling down. I dont know if you read my post “welcome November” but I mentioned I am excited for the photos my husband and I are getting taken professionally…they are just like these. I am so excited to do the shoot, which might sound weird. I feel like we dont have much tangible after loss and this is. It will represent our family, not just a ball of cells like you said.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ah, I read it but I didn’t realise that’s what you were referring to! Gosh, that’s exciting for you! I don’t really love having photos taken – I only ever had pro photos at my wedding / graduation etc. I always feel a bit weird doing it but then they turn out much nicer than I expect! I’m excited for you! x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. flatwhitetogo85

    I saw this and it was heartbreaking to read. I still can’t believe that miscarriage is hardly ever talked about or even acknowledged when so many people go through it. I know nothing will ever make this hurt less, but I really do hope you get some good news soon x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. It does seem so strange that nobody talks about it, and also strange that there’s no way of preventing it yet. I wish they would figure it out soon! X

      Like

    • Nara

      It’s awesome, isn’t it? I read an article last week about how it’s turned into some kind of misery p*** but I do love reading the stories!

      Like

  5. stealingnectar

    I saw that post on HONY too and it obviously resonated. I did not see that image you included at the bottom and that just tears me up….ohhh, the torture our hearts feel from our grief and love of what we once thought would be….co

    Liked by 1 person

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