Reblog: 20 Female Breadwinners On What It’s Really Like To Make More Money Than Your Husband

1. IT’S EMASCULATING FOR HIM “I can’t give up the position of empress. Everything is in my name. When I’ve gotten really bratty, I’ve said, ‘Well fine, leave,’ knowing he can’t leave. I’ve never had such security in a relationship. There’s no risk of flight. But it’s only giving me a short-term…

(Edited to say… I think this is a thought provoking read and does not reflect my personal opinions about female breadwinners – I am involved in various women in industry initiatives as part of my job, and I think it’s interesting that something as basic as tipping the scales in favour of female breadwinners seems to be considered so radical. This is notable as it’s about now that we have Equal Pay Day – the day in November after which, on average, reflecting the difference in male and female wages – that women are effectively working for free until the end of the year. It’s a sobering thought!)

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jessica-winters/2015/11/20-female-breadwinners-on-what-its-like-to-make-more-money-than-your-husband/

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19 comments

  1. mamajo23

    Are you the breadwinner? Interesting article. I imagine it is pretty controversial for those in the situation. I have the income making capacity to be the main breadwinner and was for a while but now my husband is. I never really worried about it either way but my husband seems happier (although more stressed) with our current situation and I am certainly not complaining.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      I am now (just) but it’s not very significant. In my previous relationship I earned a lot less and then I earned the same and then I earned more, within a short space of time – it definitely changes the dynamics of the relationship. We have the same attitude to money (both of our incomes are considered shared) which I think makes things easier. I just put a bit more into things if I am feeling a bit more flush, but our general approach is that we both own the wallet! I thought it was an interesting read… if a bit sensationalist!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Nara

        I wouldn’t say that… It was definitely stressful when we were on a single income! I think the main thing is to have a similar attitude towards money, because the getting-of-it is one of the biggest stressors in a relationship. I think it’s easy to be fairly relaxed about it if you have enough (as we do – we are not flush but we’re not on the breadline, we can pay our bills without going without) but all those things can change in an instant, as we found out last year.

        Liked by 1 person

      • mamajo23

        Agree. It is so important to share a mentality about money. We slide deeper into debt with every treatment but still manage to stay positive and on the same page.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Nara

        Wow, I can’t imagine what a test that is… I completely agree, you couldn’t do something like this without full support (including financial/shared household stuff) from your partner. I always knew I had fertility problems but we never explored it with my ex because we weren’t at that level in our relationship. Looking back it’s really sad we never addressed it as it was the cause of a lot of heartache.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Oh and Flatwhite, for some reason I can’t reply to your comment (flipping WordPress app!) so I’m replying to mamajo’s comment. I totally agree it shouldn’t be important / people shouldn’t have an issue when a woman earns more than a man. I do think that in my experience, it’s been something that I’ve observed – that a lot of men want to feel they are the breadwinners. However it hasn’t been like that in most of my relationships, possibly because of the type of industry I work in – I am usually the one who earns more.

      It doesn’t bother me in the slightest but I am conscious of societal/cultural norms and not wanting to make a man feel bad about it… for some reason, some of them do. To be honest I would love sometimes to be a 50s housewife and not have to work! (I’d be terrible at cleaning… and making babies… but quite good at cooking!)

      Also – I don’t think there’s a right answer re your attitude towards money in a relationship – you just have to have similar approaches I think for it to work out. (eg If one of you likes spending and one likes saving then you’re probably going to have some stresses!) I do feel that it’s important to have similar views on money, but only insofar as for relationship harmony it helps to have similar views on more things than not!

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  2. flatwhitetogo85

    I’m so surprised by this. On the whole, who cares? I earn slightly less than the boy but if I ‘stuck it out’ (which I won’t) I’d earn a lot more. The boy always jokes about how he wants to be a kept man and I genuinely don’t think he’d resent me or feel belittled/emasculated. It’s such a shame that some men (and women it seems) feel this way when the woman earns more. I know I’m preaching, but earning potential is so irrelevant and unimportant (assuming they’re not lazy/scrounging/frittering away hard-earned savings) when choosing a life partner!

    Like

    • Nara

      Ah, there was a glitch on the app and I couldn’t reply to your comment. I have replied above and also to say, this wasn’t my view! I thought it was interesting because I’ve had some experience of females earning more than their partners – I work in a very male dominated industry. I thought it was an interesting read!

      Like

  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    Fascinating read. Truthfully, I felt sad for most of the people in the article.
    I have to say, for us, we never think to much about who makes more. We simply both work hard and share everything while we both are committed to spending wisely. At times I’ve made more and at times he’s made more. But, because we see it as equal partnership, it allowed me to be unemployed by choice for 6 months and it allowed him to finish school while I was working. And since we are both self-employed and not on salary (in the traditional sense) both of our incomes fluctuate monthly now so it just totally depends.

    Like

    • Nara

      Ah yes, that’s the dream! I think when it is a partnership, and one or other of you feels at a certain time that they want a break from working for whatever reason, it is fantastic if you have the means to make that happen. We scraped by when one of us was out of work but in truth it was very stressful as we didn’t know when the situation would resolve (it wasn’t voluntary unemployment). For sure if I had the means I would not work at all during our next round of IVF, as it was massively stressful. It’s not a question of spending wisely or anything – we both earn good salaries but we live in London which is one of the most expensive places in the world to live! I think ideally your accommodation is something like no more than 40% of your salary… In London for most people it’s a significant chunk. If you took out that cost then I think we could live on a lot less.

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      • My Perfect Breakdown

        Well, to be fair, my unemployment by choice was unbelievably stressful for Mr. MPB. But, we decided he was better equipped to deal with that stress then I was to deal with more losses while working 70 hours a week. We cut a lot from our lives to make my not working a viable option. In fact, the financial repercussions of me not working are still impacting our daily lives. I just don’t want to give the impression it was a cake walk for 6 months.
        In Canada the metric for affordable housing is that it should not cost more then 30% of your income. But, I believe most professionals spend more then 30% of their income on their homes.

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      • Nara

        Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. I guess… I would feel like it would be crazy to quit a job that I don’t love, but which pays a decent amount and is a “career” with no hope of getting back into it. We could survive on a single salary for a short time but it would be a matter of months before we started going into debt. (We are only a few months into being recovered from the single salary event last year.) I think given our fairly cautious approach to money/saving we would be in a much better position to take a break in a couple of years. I work in an industry where it would be hard to get back into after though – eg most women who leave to have a baby don’t come back.

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  4. thegreatpuddingclubhunt

    Wow I feel sorry for some of these women and feel lucky I have my man!!! When we first moved the US I was the sole earner and Chris couldn’t work for several months until he got his employment card…and then of course he had to find a job he wanted to do! He was amazing, it wasn’t easy for him, but he even talked about getting a license plate that said ‘HseHband’:-) he would love to stay at home and be a full time dad when the time comes, but honestly I would be jealous! But I don’t want to be a stay at home mum either!

    I’ve been the main income earner for the past few years and he has caught up with me now, and with his part time business has just taken over me! (Until I get my pay rise in the new year!!!) I think it helps that we have the same attitude towards spending and saving money so it wouldn’t matter who is the main earner. We also live within the means of just my salary just in case something happens to Chris’s job (mine is far more secure). All in all I’m a lucky lady and it makes me sad how some couples can’t cope well with an imbalance 😦 great article!

    Like

    • Nara

      Yes exactly! I think you just have to have that shared mentality and understanding of how you will spend the money, how much you’ll save etc. Tbh I am terrible with money – my attitude is not a sort of budgeting attitude (mainly because I’m terrible at maths and I don’t like looking at numbers and adding things up!). My solution is just to keep trying to earn more money! T is the opposite – he’s very financial and good at maths so he keeps me on the straight and narrow.

      I was okay on my own but I probably spent more than I needed to because of poor planning, whereas with T, I am better because he encourages me to do the right thing (ie put more in a pension, pay off credit cards and loans, etc). I also somehow seem to feel more responsibility to spend wisely as we have a joint account! So I sort of think twice before I spend something out of the joint, whereas I do what I want with my money! 🙂

      Very fortunately and only lately since I have paid off a load of stuff, I find myself with more disposable income – probably down to lifestyle (eg when working away from home I spent hardly any money for about 5 months, which saved a lot). But we want to save so we can buy our own place – that’s a great incentive. Also just to be able to do something nice if IVF round 2 doesn’t work out…

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  5. Courtney

    I like to think that I wouldn’t feel this way, but if my husband was spending$100 an hour on tennis lessons while I worked, I’d probably be resentful. This does make me wonder if Brian is envious of my “free time” and time with the kids. I hope he’s not resentful.

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    • Nara

      Ah, I think all couples do things their own way. I think it is hard when one of you is stuck at home waiting for the other, for example. I definitely find it easier that T and I have similar lifestyles including work, but then I do probably get funny about it if he’s out a lot one week, and the same for me. But generally our expectations are similar which I think helps. It is probably tough for men if there is a big discrepancy and the woman makes you feel inadequate somehow – but I think as long as it’s not a big deal to the woman / the high earner, there’s no need for it to be a source of contention. In my line of work, the (few) women I know mainly earn more than their partners – and as far as I know, they’re all fine with it!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      That’s good. It sounds as though most people on here aren’t bothered… I think some in real life are, though! But although it’s becoming more and more common for the females to earn more – especially in my line of work (I know quite a few who have lower paid husbands) – women are on average paid way less than men. I find it nuts how we are basically working for free now until the end of the year, based on our lower pay compared with our male counterparts!

      Liked by 1 person

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