Reblog: Our international adoptions weren’t “meant to be” and our kids aren’t “so lucky”…

Our international adoptions weren’t “meant to be”…

Great article in the Washington Post today. 

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8 comments

  1. Courtney

    So honest. “I am their plan B.”. Equally important is that adoption was HER plan B as well. I think it’s important for people to acknowledge this about adoption. In most cases, adoption is “Plan B” of everyone involved. So much loss and sadness precedes adoption and the common stranger never thinks about that, they almost act like the parents woke up one day and said, “do you know what would be fun to do today? Go to China and rescue some poor child from an orphanage. Wouldn’t that be noble of us?”. Adoption is NOTHING like what the general public chooses to believe it is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      I think I’m okay with focusing on the positive when kids are young. No child is going to enjoy growing up in the shadow of their birth parents’ loss (and sometimes I have to bite my tongue when I read the birth mother blogs… I get that they have lost, but I guess adoptee feelings may be more complex than I thought!). I think it’s okay to say to your child that they were very much wanted, and that you were sad for them to lose their first family but you are also happy that you were able to be their family after that. I know I wasn’t my parents’ first choice but I don’t harbour ongoing anger towards them at all, because I know once they adopted me that they love me as fiercely as they love the rest of the kids. (Some people might say I’m “in the fog” but they don’t know me or my parents so I think I may be the better judge!)

      I guess what I’m saying is that I feel okay about it, even in black and white. Things happen and you have to react to them, and you can either feel awful about it or accept the things you can’t change.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Courtney

        When it comes to the kids, yes definitely focus on the positive, because there are a LOT. I just hate the general publics view that A) adoption is easy and B) it’s rescuing a child from a horrible existence. With this woman’s adoptions, the kids were quite literally rescued, but here in the US, lots of women are coerced into placing their babies when there are alternatives. You know how I feel about US adoptions…. It’s not positive. The general public here believes adopted babies are always better off than with their first moms, and I disagree a lot of the times.

        Like

  2. stealingnectar

    Thanks for sharing! I can’t imagine the crazy questions I will get – especially in the area I live in right now. Since I always have planned to adopt, it is my plan A and my future child’s plan B. That doesn’t bother me, but it’s something I need to remember. This probably isn’t what he would have chosen even though I always had it in my plans, and I need to remember the pain and loss he experienced before joining me in the U.S. I like how she specifically brings attention to the first three years of life (for example) and how unfair the circumstances were for her children. I think about this often. I know the little boy we are matched with is starting to become aware of the world (being 14 months now) and doesn’t have the love, security, and attention every child deserves. It’s a total injustice. His life now is certainly not “meant to be” by any standards.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      I think it’s a balance, like anything. I liked this article as it’s not denigrating adoption but being realistic about it, and also being conscious about language. I know that your future child is much wanted and it’s so sad that any children have to spend time in their lives without being in their forever family, whether that’s biological or not. I feel like a huge part of development is about attachment and security and to have that disrupted is sad for anyone, whether it be by adoption, bereavement, estrangement etc. That said, I feel happy with my family and generally philosophical about it… T and I talk about it a reasonable amount and we both feel generally at ease about adoption. Maybe because we have the same sense of not being able to change the past.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. circumstance227

    I’m completely on board with the “lucky” part of this article, but not the “meant to be” part. I think one has to differentiate between what people say and what they feel. I have never and would never say to my children that they . . . we . . . were meant to be – for exactly the reasons given. Their birth mothers were not meant to die or give them up. They were not meant to be abandoned, etc. But I have FELT that we were meant to be. What is the alternative? To look at my kids and say “we weren’t meant to be, we are only a family because of a string of events and circumstances and coincidences and timing”? I can’t FEEL that way about my girls and our family, no matter how much I know rationally that it is true.
    And as I always say to my kids: “Feelings are never right or wrong or good or bad. They are what they are.It’s how you act on them that matters.” So I will continue to feel my family was meant to be, but will never speak the words.

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