Things to be happy about

It’s been a tough week but I made it! It’s Friday! I locked my laptop in a drawer and I skipped (shuffled) out the office door. 20:10 and the weekend has begun.

This week has been a week of highs and lows. I really did not anticipate all the feels associated with my due date yesterday. I may well have had a gigantic pity party with one lonely guest: me. 

Anyway, here’s some things I’ve been thinking this week:

  1. Grief is complex. I didn’t even think I was grieving. I kind of thought I was doing really well and being terribly British about it. (I probably was; it’s called repression.) The Weekend Of Babies last weekend didn’t help. (Note to self: Christenings, and dinner with friends who have babies on the date you were supposed to have yours are not a good idea.) I felt sangry all this week. The b**** at work was b****y to me and I almost cried. A lot of feelings kept bubbling away in the background. I found myself thinking about my own adoption a lot, for some reason. I constantly felt angry, and depressed, and sad and almost cried in Starbucks, and probably bored all my blog friends to death about it. And last night, I came home and I was still sangry and then I couldn’t find a charger and I went stomping round the house and T went to bed, and I eventually gave up and went to bed, and T asked me what was wrong and then I cried my eyes out. I never cry. And he held me and I cried some more, and Dog licked me and I cried a bit more and went to sleep. But you know what – it was probably a good thing to let it out. 
  2. Blue doesn’t have to be sad. I decided I needed a new coat and I’ve been ordering loads over the last few weeks, and then sending them back because basically I’m a frustrated goth and I need to get something that isn’t boring and is me but also suitable for work rather than hanging out in dark caves. Finally I found it, and debuted it this week. And it was half price on sale from French Connection! Cobalt blue is my favourite colour after black (joint with bright red; I’m very primary) and I’ve had so many compliments on it, it’s crazy. (Although T says it looks like a Margaret Thatcher coat, he doesn’t get fashion, or that’s what I’m telling myself.)  
  3. Bluetooth headphones. Sometimes I forget that I actually like music. I used to listen to it all the time when I had a car but now I don’t really listen to it because I don’t have a CD player any more and, y’know, tech has moved on. Plus I always lose headphones (actually I think T nicks them). So I managed to get them working this morning and they are awesome and mean I can have this world of music when I’m on the tube and right now I’m on the tube listening to Sia’s Elastic Heart which is one of the most beautiful songs. When I first saw the video it almost made me cry. Apparently people thought it was dodgy or something because it has a child and an adult dancing together… Crazy. Watch it. Listen to it and you’ll see what I mean. 
  4. Austerity is kind of satisfying. T and I decided this week that the only way we will save enough for a house is to put ourselves on the household version of austerity measures. This came about because we found where we wanted to live and then it turned out that his parents giving us help with the deposit was conditional on them thinking it was a good investment. The place we were looking for was off plan which means a larger up front payment, and they felt it was too risky. But before then we did all the budgeting to figure out how we could save really heavily to build up our deposit, and T’s way more financially minded than I am so he drew it all out and now I know I ideally want to live on £10 a day (average spend on top of rent and bills and food, quite challenging when you can easily spend £8 on a takeaway lunch in the city, and my favourite Starbucks is £3.80!), with £100 discretionary spend per month (clothes, makeup, Dog treats! I easily spend several hundred a month on random things and presents, so it has made me check myself). It sounds weird but I find it really satisfying. I love being generous and buying lots of stuff for people, but I also enjoyed the challenge this week (one week!) of saying “Do I really need this?” and actually thinking, maybe I don’t. So much that the coffee guy at work was really chatty to see me only today (rather than every day for my daily hot chocolate with extra chocolate) and once I explained to him why I hadn’t come by every day as usual, he gave me my hot chocolate for the price of a cheaper latté! He said he wanted to be at my housewarming party when we finally managed to buy a house. Bless him! Also I finally found the ideal mid heel ankle boots that I’ve been looking for forever on Amazon for £17(!!!) and I’ve worn them every day. They’re great! Much better than the more expensive ones that killed my feet which I gave to my sister. T’s parents did us a favour by making us think more about building up our own deposit to reduce the risk. 
  5. I’m maybe not as bad as I thought I was. I went for two interviews recently and I found out that both of them want me to go for second interviews! Which is really nuts. The first one, I didn’t even think the guy liked me and seemed to want something completely different from what I do. I was gobsmacked when he apparently thought I was great and through to the second round. And for the second, I really thought the guy was fantastic and hoped that he would like me, but thought it probably wouldn’t be exactly right as it was in a different sector from the one I work in. (I’m not madly looking for a new job but I’m always open to opportunities. Every job I’ve ever got was a kind of thing where an opportunity presented itself and I took it. So I’m interested to have the conversations.) Aside from that, I had a bit of stress at work and I thought it was going to be really difficult at a new client, because they’d completely underscored the work (it was in my area of expertise and they were trying to do something in 8 weeks / 5 people something I usually do in 12 weeks with 10 people… Umm). I thought I’d been dropped in it, but then the director mailed me to say he thought I made a good impression in the workshop (yeah, that one yesterday, on my due date) and that the boss obviously respected my opinion! Bloody hell. And this week a guy at work told me I had a good reputation in their area, which meant a lot as I kind of feel like nobody knows I’m working my backside off. And one guy left, and he gave me a massive hug and said he’d enjoyed working with me… All these sound like little silly things, but I often feel bad/unconfident/stressed about work and it seems like a tiny bit of validation somehow. And I needed it this week.

So… It’s been a difficult week but I found some nice bits in it, and now it’s the weekend, and my main plans involve sleep, dozing and cuddling. That might be a bit abstract, but I think it’s a good plan! It’s all go next week with Dr S and the fertility investigations, for which I’m pretty hopeful. But before that, I’m just going to chillax with my boys [one human, one canine]. 

Have a good weekend everyone!

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33 comments

    • Nara

      Haha, thank you! I’m not sure I really deserve or want a new job. I feel like it takes me aaaages to settle into a place and get to know everyone. But it did seem nice to hear that both of them wanted to see me again! (I tend to get bumped at the second interview though!)

      It’s weird how much the coat cheered me up! I always wear black a lot and so many people commented on it, I thought I really must look like a goth the rest of the time! 😂

      Like

    • Nara

      You totally should! Seriously it has had so many comments. And the blue just cheers me up a bit. Also the coat is quite straight overcoat style so makes me feel more grown up! I slept in this morning till almost 11, which was great. And been out for a long walk and breakfast with Dog, and now back relaxing… Feeling quite dozy… Haha! Hope you’re having a good weekend. X

      Liked by 1 person

  1. stealingnectar

    I don’t love the process of grief, but I am glad that it sounds like you finally went through the middle of it and are finding your way out, now that the due date has passed. For me, it always seems like a slow climb out, with some setbacks, but relief comes in larger and larger doses. Your positivity is once again shining through despite the pain. I admire you so very much. Also, excited about the job prospects! Maybe a change could make you feel incredibly valued since you will command so much respect based on your increased expertise since you started this current job. Either way, I am happy you are getting positive feedback for how awesome you are and how hard you’ve worked!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Yes, totally. I think I’m unused to it really. It’s definitely down to school and stuff I think and never being comfortable showing sadness or weakness. I still don’t really like crying in front of T – in fact I don’t think I ever have, apart from to do with PB. Also I think I had to realise that it’s not the same for him as it is for me. Even though I didn’t feel like I was really grieving, it just felt different this week (though the christening etc didn’t help).

      It would be nice to be offered another job, even if I didn’t take it! It’s sometimes a bit of an uphill battle at work. I work with so many white guys and it was really good to go to a new client this week (not my sector that I usually work in) and there were actual women! And ethnic minorities! I thought maybe it wouldn’t be so lonely somewhere else! Haha. But anyway, seemed like quite a reasonable work week… Although things can easily change!

      Hope you guys are having a great weekend! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • stealingnectar

        After getting unfairly laid off from the white guys I worked with, I went to work for a minority firm with women in power as well. I was treated SO much better!!! It’s sometimes little things that are undermining your value the whole way…I would suggest keeping your eyes open for opportunities at a firm like that…it was an incredible difference! Thinking of you still…that all makes sense regarding the processing of your emotions. Xoxo

        Like

      • Nara

        Haha, without giving too much away, I couldn’t really work there as it’s definitely not my industry! 🙂 But it’s kind of fun to go there once in a while. (I’m providing specialist help to one of the other teams.) I do think that moving to one of the companies I was interviewing with would probably be a bit more diverse. My company isn’t THAT bad (for what we do) – it’s more the specific area I work in which is very male oriented and very white. I somehow picked the most white male industry possible – probably because I was majorly influenced by my [white male] dad! 😂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        Hahaha. I think I just never thought about it when I was little. I was saying to T today, I wonder if I had grown up with “my people”… Would I have been one of the popular ones? The mean girls? I really don’t know where I sit in the hierarchy of my race! Like I know I was automatically bumped to near the bottom of the pile when I was at school, due to my ethnicity… I wonder if I’m like a cool version of my race, or an average one, or a bad version? It’s quite weird to think about! 😂

        Liked by 1 person

      • stealingnectar

        You are hilarious! But, I think in some regards what you say is valid and I despise our world for that. Why do we think people who look like us are that special? It is so narcissistic. I think it’s really sad when people never look beyond their experience and understand another perspective. I hope, globally, we are getting a little better about that…but then you see all these scared, protective people supporting the likes of Donald Trump and it is very hard to understand!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        Ha! We watched a programme on tv about him and his supporters last week. It was scary to think there are actual people out there like that! 🙂 We have some pretty bad political parties too. I think when it comes down to it, xenophobia is natural… It’s how you deal with it that counts.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. EmilyMaine

    Ahhhh I love this post! You have found so many things to be happy about in what can only be referred to as a sucky week. Go you! That is seriously impressive. I adore the colour of that coat! It’s almost a purple that blue. Seriously sensational. And oh my gosh I want to kiss that coffee guy. What a keeper! So awesome those interviews came off so well. You are obviously pretty darn good at what you do. Way to feel good! I’m loving all this sunshine on a rainy day. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks! Yeah, coffee guy is awesome. I was telling T all about him last night. It was a silly thing but he’s even given me a free drink before because it was raining and I was looking cold! He’s super friendly and remembers something small about everyone. He was telling me yesterday that he’s been promoted so he’s going to be doing work around the different coffee shops on our work campus, which is great for him – he really deserves it as he brightens up so many people’s days!

      I always find it interesting how people see colour. It definitely has an effect on people! I always do black, red and blue. The coat has really cheered me up this week! Hope you’re having a great weekend xx

      Like

  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    Oh my I love the colour of your jacket! And even more I love all the happy things going on this week with work! It’s always nice to be appreciated and valued and I think with your due date also passing this week, it couldn’t have come at a better time. Positive distractions are always a good thing in my opinion!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Yes I think you need a bit of positivity every now and then! Sometimes more than others! Glad you like the coat – it has really cheered me up this week. It was a bit of a slog, but finally I’m through it… And the weekend is on us! Hope your weekend is amazing xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. babyyesno

    Congrats on the second interviews and a successful workshop. You must be underestimating how good you are at what you do! Good luck for the second interviews as I imagine it would be nice to have the option to leave the ‘Bitch’ behind and move on!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Hahaha yes! Can you imagine? I’d be SO happy to see the back of her. I would probably fantasise about writing her a really nasty note and then never send it! Either way it would be nice just to be away from her (though I would miss the nice people I also work with) and get a pay rise! I’ll probably end up staying at the same place forever though!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. pinksnow78

    Loving the coat and so glad that you’ve found so many positives in a rubbish week. Pleased work stuff has built you up too and looking forward to hearing how upcoming appointment goes. 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ah that’s an excellent colour for a wedding! Did you have a blue dress? (I love wedding planning, haha!) I must figure out a way to introduce more blue to my life! I used to have a load of blue dresses but I got too fat to wear them… However the diet is reducing me a bit so you never know! I’m hopeful for the interviews too… Would be nice to get a change of scenery but even if not, it’s good practice I suppose! 🙂

      Like

  6. Arwen

    Just catching up on you my dear. Firstly I’m so so sorry about PB’s due date. Life and this universe are Bastards. I wish things were different for you.
    Oh the bright side however you have some great things to be happy about and your coat is amazing! That’s my favourite colour 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! I thought you liked that colour! Yeah, the universe is a bit down on us every now and then but I’m hopeful for a change this year! I know it sounds cheesy but sometimes I look at T and Dog and think, FFS… I have everything I need. There might be some stuff I want, but I’m bloody happy I have them. 😍

      Like

  7. Recurrently Unlucky

    I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough period… But I do think it was good that you allowed yourself to grieve. I’ve tried the repression and pretending path before and can honestly say it doesn’t work (at least not to me). You have so many good things going on too, it’s great that you hang on to it. And I love cobalt blue too! Hugs

    Like

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