Telling people about IVF

Let me preface this by saying I’m British. I feel like I’m always clarifying this on this blog, but I do think it adds context as – despite being The Biggest Americophile Of All Time (I was watching a programme on retiring to Florida last night and I wear a Disney ring to work every day – ha) – I live and work in London, which although it’s cosmopolitan and whatnot still has a heritage of Britishness and the “stiff upper lip”.

In the UK, we don’t really talk about pregnancy before 12 weeks. If you suspected beforehand, it would be considered very bad form to mention it. (Ref the annoying b**** at work who asked me if I was pregnant when I wasn’t – faux pas of the highest order.) We very rarely talk about miscarriage other than to brush it under the carpet (hurtfully) and so it’s pretty darned rare you’d ever hear people talk about infertility, let alone IVF. It’s this thing that’s cloaked in secrecy, to the point that my local IVF clinic even has frosted windows lest anyone see you waiting in there.

I’ve lived all over the place (not UK) growing up so I tend to think about things a bit differently to a lot of British people, but in the case of personal privacy I’m still probably “a bit British”. Like… I don’t really like talking about my feelings. (This isn’t a good thing but a legacy of the school I went to where they pretty much beat all weaknesses out of you. I couldn’t cry for years and I’m still scared of crying because I would lose control and never stop.) Whack this against the backdrop of adoption and the prevailing view that you should be grateful for what you have (“unwanted ethnic baby saved by white parents” narrative) and, well, I really don’t feel comfortable with expressing too much emotion around infertility, other than through an anonymous blog. (Which has been a lifesaver!)

I feel like I have this great community of blogfriends who’ve somehow since this time last year sprung up around me. I feel like you’re by my side, cheering me on, and that we share in each other’s successes and commiserate each other’s hardships. It’s awesome. I wish I could be more “honest” with you about who and what I am, because we’re friends now. But I’m very identifiable (being transracially adopted and quite searchable) and it’s for reasons of privacy that I am not open about who I am… I don’t want my work to find out (because they have already previously made things difficult for me and would not be sympathetic towards someone trying to get pregnant – pregnancy is protected in law but trying to get pregnant is not) and I don’t want my friends to know, unless I personally tell them.

A few people know that I have had a long history of infertility, but really only my very good friends. A smaller subsection of them know about the first IVF, but they only found out in retrospect. We didn’t tell anyone when we were doing it, and I’m glad we made that decision. It was stressful enough with going through the IVF experience / bad stuff at work and the subsequent miscarriage without having people ask what stage we were at and whether there was a positive test, and so on. I think I would have found that difficult. I find all the questions about when we’re going to have children really intrusive and this would just add another layer.

Then when we got the positive test, we never made it to the magic 12 weeks. During that time, I really felt tempted to tell people. It would have been nice to experience that positive news, but I was too scared. In the end, I told my parents who were overjoyed. But retracting positive news is just awful. I couldn’t even tell them on the phone when we had the miscarriage. I just had to text them. They asked if they could tell my siblings and I said yes, and again that was so painful although the outpouring of love and support was comforting. 

Talking about it on the phone when I told my best friends was excruciating. I just didn’t want to talk. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to retract FB announcements and so on. Even now, I find it difficult to talk about in person and I really don’t want to. Maybe that’s some kind of British reserve. Part of me wants to yell out “My baby is dead! Be nice to me!” and part wants to never mention it again, because if I don’t say it, it didn’t happen.

I know if it ever happens I will not tell anyone. Probably until the baby is born. People who see me would know but I couldn’t face making a big to do about it. I’m not naive enough to think that a positive test is a baby. (Oh to go back to the naïveté of cycle 1, where I was so happy it had “worked”. I now know never to trust a positive test.)

So… What to do second time round?

I’ve started but I still haven’t told anyone. But recently my sister had the same experience, losing her IVF pregnancy a few months after me. (Horrible coincidence.) We have talked a lot about treatment and I even recommended her a clinic and some reading. She doesn’t know about the blog. I don’t know if I want her to read my innermost thoughts – especially the stuff about family – although we do talk about it in real life. Our relationship has really improved in recent years as we’ve had these shared experiences and can empathise with each other. 

I feel like I should tell her, but my automatic response was to be vague about start dates. (We have started down regulation and she did ask me if we were planning to start another cycle, and she’s kept me updated with what they are doing.) It sounds strange but there’s part of me that feels worried about being in “competition” with her – I already know that I’ll feel terrible if it works for them and not for us (though conflicting emotions, all wrapped up in sibling history… I will feel happy for them as well obviously). 

I feel like I might tell her. Although I will say I don’t want her to ask about dates and things. It would be my idea of hell to have to give status updates all the time and having to give bad news. I’m already psyching myself up for the idea that it will fail even before pregnancy. Having done it once, I now know just how many hurdles there are to cross. This sounds like I’m being really negative but I promise I’m not! Just trying to manage my expectations. (I think the fact that we only hear about successes means that if we don’t have direct experience, we have an unrealistic idea of success rates.)

Who did you tell and when?

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58 comments

  1. RC

    Completely understand the who-to-tell dilemma. We told close friends and family when we did the initial stim cycle (BFN). We then told close friends when we did our first FET and then our families when we got a positive via BT.
    That second transfer ended in miscarriage, so for our next two transfers we told no-one about any of it. Friends knew we would be trying again, but not any dates or details. I found in cycle 1+2 we had to keep updating everyone, which was exhausting. Our third and fourth transfers, I didn’t even publish to the blog in real time because I was that freaking superstitious about telling anyone. I may have taken it too far!
    In any case, it means that most people don’t know that we did ivf or how many cycles it took. I’m pretty happy with that- I like to leave stuff in the past rather than have it linger with me into the future. I don’t want the story of joey to be attached to the stress and uncertainty of ivf and miscarriage (if that makes sense).

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you. I think it sounds like you made a pragmatic decision there! I’m so happy Joey is here with you now – you’re one (three!) of the success stories I follow, which is really lovely.

      Thank you for sharing your experience.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. EmilyMaine

    That situation with your sister is tricky. Although it clearly isn’t a competition it would be devastating for the one who didn’t succeed if one of you did. So I agree with keeping it a bit vague.

    I told my mum obviously but forbade her from asking about it and being involved in the step by step of the process. Eric’s mum knew too but she is British so never mentioned it lol Most of my good friends and people I saw often knew we had been trying for no 2 for ages (I had mentioned it as I expected it to be easy HA!) so it was a natural progression for them to know about IVF. I didn’t talk about dates and step by step with them either though except for one friend who had previously done cycles to conceive both her kids and my neighbour who I see regularly so gets a blow by blow account of my life by default. I think you have to tell enough people (and for you that might mean 1 or 4, who knows) to get some support for sanity. It IS helpful. But no one is entitled to know. It is a very private choice. Xx

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    • Nara

      Thanks Emily! That makes sense. I am chucking about Eric’s mum (the British have a lot to answer for, haha!). It’s good to know what other people did.

      I’m still undecided re my sis. I don’t want to lie to her, which I sort of felt like I was doing when she asked. She’s been really open about what they are doing. I think I will tell her but also tell her really strictly not to chase me about dates and results! Xx

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  3. babydreamsandlove

    Totally understand with remaining anonomous!! Same here! Different reasons – but same aspect of I don’t want my immediate circles knowing! – even my close friends that do know. I don’t want them to read my inner thoughts! Funny you mention the british though. I NZ born, British raised. My dad was London born – generations from there. I started to tell my Aunty about my pcos, and it was like I was speaking of some crazy voodoo :O they just unintentionally shut off and dont understand. So I don’t dare mention IVF lol. I also understand the trickyness of telling people etc. When I began IVF I had 3 people find out they were pregnant and all I could think was what if Im the “one” to not conceive and then get to watch their babies born when mine should be. And being that since thats exactly what happened. Im glad I didnt tell them! Its tricky to know. Im still stuck on what to say and who too also. I guess just follow your heart and gut instincts. Cross each bridge as you get too it xx

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    • Nara

      Thank you. It’s great to know that other people understand what it feels like. I’m the one out of three of my friends who didn’t have a kid so I can completely relate. It’s awful. I told them I have fertility problems but they still want to meet up and be all mummyish.

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  4. Recurrently Unlucky

    I told my closest friends and my parents and siblings (and in-laws). Sometimes I wish I hadn’t, nobody truly gets it and I often have to deal with hurtful comments. But other times, I really need someone I can vent to, and my friends can be wonderful listeners (not always…). It’s hard to decide who and how much to tell.
    I have a very good feeling about your new cycle! Really hope it works!

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    • Nara

      Thank you! That’s so sweet of you. I think I feel neutral about this cycle. I know the positive test is just the start. I don’t think I’ll feel reassured till viability. And I can’t even imagine getting that far. I think I’ll maybe tell my sister but I’ll be really strict with her about asking. Same for her cycle and me – I don’t want to make her feel pressured. Thank you for your support!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Solo

    This resonates with me so much. My family’s British and definitely has the ‘British approach’. When I had my mc last year my mum brushed it all under the carpet and refused to speak of it again which really hurt me. I just wanted someone to discuss it with, someone to ask me if I was ok, someone to ask questions – that’s the American in me (damn multi-cultural families)

    She knew I was going for a second cycle, as did a couple of friends (I chose to tell very few people compared to last time) but none of them have asked a single thing about it. I’m only a couple of weeks away from egg collection and at this rate I’ll not bother telling them and just going alone. If anything, it’s a burden off my shoulders and I’d rather do it alone. It would just be nice if they, you know, showed any kind of interest or support.

    Just follow your instincts. Tell those you feel you will get the right support from. There’s no right and wrong, just what works for you.

    If my mum mentions it between now and transfer I’ll tell her what’s going on. If not, then I’ll her and everyone else if and when I make it to 13-16 weeks pregnant. Everyone else will either find out when they see me (and a huge bump) or when I post newborn photos on Facebook.

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    • Nara

      Thanks for the perspective. I think it must be harder for you as I can talk to my partner about it, even if I tell nobody else. I’m sure you need *someone* to talk with about it. I hope that your mum does ask and show an interest! X

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  6. mamajo23

    For the many early cycles we told no one other than my identical twin- I didn’t want it to be the thing everyone asked me about and identified me with. Then my husband’s family was really concerned about us because they are all so close and we were missing things and being weird. It got to the point that not telling caused more harm to relationships then if we kept it quiet. Having done both I would say I selfishly prefer not telling anyone during the whole ordeal but for a lifetime of relationships after this is over I think it is good our family and inner circle know. I think keeping dates vague is smart. Updating people along the way is horrible. Wishing you so much luck. Cheering you on from California!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you for sharing your experiences! I think I’ll probably still go with keeping it quiet, although I’m undecided about telling my sister. We don’t speak all the time as she lives in a different city so I’ll maybe wait till our next long phone call and see how I feel. Thank you for cheering me from California! Xx

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  7. My Perfect Breakdown

    We didn’t tell anyone that we were trying until our third loss. But hiding our “secrete” was so freaking hard and met we turned into hermits which started to damage relationships that mattered to us. So, it wasn’t a long term solution and once we hit the three consecutive mark we knew it was more serious then just coincidence so it was becoming harder to hide.
    After we told we were really vague about details when we discussed future pregnancies. I still don’t now which is the “right” way – to tell or not to tell. But, I know that having to tell people each time we lost a baby was excruciating. I also know that the constant stream of questing (are you pregnant, when is your next appointment, have you heard anything from the agency, are you matched yet, how much longer will you have to wait) was simply annoying. But, at the same time it felt like some people truly cared.
    So, I don’t know what the right thing to do is. But, I do know that my blog friends (like you) have been a lifeline through it all. You’ve been my safe space to talk about everything. And I needed that. So maybe it’s about finding a baalance between real-life interactions and blog interactions?

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    • Nara

      Yeah, I can really relate to the not wanting to have people asking thing. I don’t want to feel I have to update people after each appointment. That would be stressful! Blogfriends have been amazing. X

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  8. thecommonostrich

    Keep in mind I’m soooo American about my feelings, i.e. I share them constantly with everyone who will listen. 😉

    I told my people when we stepped up to IVF. I don’t know… it felt like sh!t was getting real at that point. I only told folks I knew I would need by my side no matter what. That included my family and about 4 good friends. They would be the people I’d call to cry if the pregnancy didn’t work out, the treatments got too much, or I just needed to hear someone talk about something besides injection points.

    I will say that this was supplemented by my nice lil’ blog community. Because even though friends and family are delightful to have when you need them, infertility is a serious mind f*ck that not everyone gets. It was good to virtually be around people who got it.

    Eh… I guess this is my way of saying you do what you need to do. If you think you’ll need support, tell the people in your life who will be there to offer it. If not, then keep mum. Most of all, stay strong, dolly!

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    • Nara

      Thanks! Had to laugh at the Americanism! I think I’m okay without my friends knowing unless we made it to a proper pregnant state. Like I definitely wouldn’t want people fussing over me or being sympathetic and everything. Maybe I’m not as Americophile as I think I am! 😉

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  9. silentmiscarriageloudthoughts

    I’m the same. Not British though, but a Kiwi.
    Only my three very closest friends know that we are trying to conceive. They also know about my miscarriages (although I hadn’t told them when I was pregnant. Now, I’m pregnant again and have so far told two of them. I haven’t told any family anything.
    I really admire people who are public about infertility and pregnancy, because I think it’s so important to raise awareness. But I can’t do it. It would destroy me having to deal with all the talk and sympathy and “advice”… Gah.

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    • Nara

      Yes exactly!!! I’m really glad when other people publicise it (like Mark Zuckerberg / Priscilla Chan) but I don’t want to be the poster girl!

      I think good friends sort of know we are trying to conceive in a vague way. But not the detail of IVF and so on. Although we’ve done it once and had to tell people about the miscarriage (after it happened – never announced pregnancy) so I guess they’ll assume we’d try again.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. patientsubfertility

    Telling people is one of my greatest regrets in the process, and I didn’t tell a ton. I think this is because I didn’t understand myself what I was going through or what support I wanted/needed. My expectations were unfair, the subject is really difficult, no one knew how to deal, and the end result was just disappointment all around.

    Just an idea based on my experience: only tell people if you understand what your expectations are of them, and can communicate those expectations.

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    • Nara

      Yeah, I think I won’t tell people. I don’t have expectations of them and don’t want to have expectations of them, either. Maybe if a pregnancy progressed we would eventually tell people, but more likely when the baby arrived!

      Like

  11. Amy M.

    I told different people, different things. My work has known all along that we were doing fertility treatments, because they kinda had to know. And working in a small place, everyone talks about everyone else’s business, so even if I only wanted to tell a few people, everyone else knew within days anyway. I did tell a few coworkers details, everyone else just knew vague things. My mom and sister were in the loop all the way. A few friends I kept posted on what was going on. I have talked occasionally about doing fertility treatments on my Facebook, but never said anything specific. I usually feel better when I talk about things, and want people in general to know the basics of what’s happening with me, in case I have a random meltdown they will have an idea why. But really you have to do what’s best for you, and what feels right to you. I wish both you and your sister luck with your cycles!

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    • Nara

      Thanks so much. It’s interesting you could tell people at work. I can’t imagine doing that! I’ve never heard people talk about it other than if they got pregnant successfully. My coworkers are mainly men and I don’t think they’d be very sympathetic!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Amy M.

        I had to tell work. I wanted to limit my exposure to x-rays and certain drugs while going through treatments, and they wouldn’t do that without a reason why. If I had a desk job I doubt I would have told anyone at work at all, except maybe a couple people.

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      • Amy M.

        Yeah, well, I have to be my own advocate a lot of the time. People will still now that I’m pregnant ask me to do things they know very well that I can’t do. Some people just don’t think…and really, some don’t care. But most people are good about it.

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  12. Babyscienceproject

    I told my mum and my best friend. 5 failed IVF cycles later, my brother knew too. Absolutely no way in a million years I would tell anyone at work about our fertility treatment/pregnancy attempts, thought of it makes me cringe. Most of our friends have no idea that our current twin pregnancy is the result of IVF and donor eggs. I’m constantly being asked if twins run in my family…and I tell them that my grandad was a twin. Which is true. But his genes have nothing to do with these two little beans!

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    • Nara

      Thanks for sharing your experience. That is really rough. I can see why people would end up knowing. I think if you’ve done it once then people expect you would try again. I kind of now regret telling people about the miscarriage as now I get occasional questions about trying again. I really don’t want to talk about it.

      If I ever do have a baby I’ll be super open about the difficulties we had on the way, though. I could never just make out that it had been easy and straightforward. At least others seeing that who are in the position I am now might be able to understand it.

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  13. countyourselfunlucky

    The only person in my family who I have told is my cousin who is like an older sister to me and even then I was years into treatment when I told her. I can’t remember when it was exactly but I think it was at a low point when I needed support and a sympathetic ear… I’m glad I told her and I feel that I have the right level of interest from her (if you know what I mean).
    I totally get what you say about being worried about competition worries with your sister.. I wonder if the best sort of person for you to discuss your treatment with is someone who can give you support without needing something similar from you in return (at this moment in time) if that makes sense?
    I nearly told my sister once but didn’t and on balance I’m glad I didn’t (nothing against her, she’s lovely, I just don’t feel she’s the right person to discuss IVF with).
    Good luck with the down reg & hope your cycle goes well whenever it happens. I have my stiff upper lip on in solidarity with you 😉 xxx

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    • Nara

      We’ve discussed loads of stuff about IVF and it was nice to discuss after the event as it felt like someone who understood. We had really similar experiences. However I’m worried about the competitive aspect, not even really competitive but comparative if you see what I mean. I’m already compared with my brother (the golden child) who’s younger and has two kids. It’s really difficult when you feel so far behind / like a failure.

      Liked by 1 person

      • countyourselfunlucky

        Yeah I totally can get where you are coming from… sorry you feel left behind / like a failure, it’s not nice to feel on the wrong end of favouritism especially when dealing with infertility etc. It’s such a shame because you are so successful and high achieving in other aspects of your life. Hope you can fill that baby sized hole soon. xxx

        Like

      • Nara

        Thanks! I know I’m not a failure but it’s hard being the oldest (and first to get married! And divorced!) and not doing those normal things like having kids. He even has the perfect one of each! X

        Liked by 1 person

  14. stealingnectar

    Understand completely, as you already know. We were on a need-to-know basis with everyone – even family – until about 17 weeks when we passed are longest viable pregnancy date. I am so glad we waited because instead of getting fear and worry from others, we got excitement. Everyone is different, but I needed to walk alone and have space. Much love to you!!!

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  15. thegreatpuddingclubhunt

    This is so hard…I have seen quite a difference between my US and Brit friends in regard to openness about their IVFs, and I think you are right about the Britishness thing.
    As for your sister, I’m sure she will absolutely understand if you tell her you are doing IVF but want to share your progress on your terms..i.e. I’ll tell you, don’t ask me!!
    Now that my blog has been shared around the whole of my work (not on purpose!!) I guess I am fully out in the open now-I am afraid of what kind of questions I might get with this up coming cycle, but so far I’ve only had positivity. I have also been afraid of the impact on my work and potential for misperceptions. For example I recently applied to get on a special 8 month training programme that if you don’t complete it, they make you pay for the costs of it. I knew that people on the selection board knew I was going through IVF, but this didn’t stop them from selecting me-I really thought it would have a negative impact. But I know that not every organisation is as accepting, especially some smaller companies.

    You need to share what makes you the most comfortable, because in the end you don’t need the stress, you need to focus on building that 9 month warm snuggly home and your future tenant 😊

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    • Nara

      Yes, events really got a bit ahead of you with the blog! I think it’s nice you have support from people though and can feel folk are rooting for you.

      I think you’re right about the approach with my sister. I will tell her but ask her not to ask!

      I hope your cycle is going well. I forgot how weird it makes me feel! I just feel like I have PMS!

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  16. thegreatpuddingclubhunt

    Ooh I forgot to mention, the one really great thing about telling all our friends about our IVF is that they are completely understanding about us not wanting to go out boozing and even have planned things with us that don’t involve alcohol 😊

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  17. RJ

    Yeah deciding who to let in on the secret is a hard decision. I think I would be more vague, in that I’m ok with people knowing that I plan to do fertility treatment but keeping the dates to myself. It’s hard to rehash the same story over and over. Good luck in whatever you decide!

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    • Nara

      Thank you! I think I’ll probably be like you although I won’t really volunteer the info unless I have to. Like I’m sure people assume we will be trying again, but I don’t want to talk about dates and things!

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  18. dubliner in deutschland

    It’s similar in Ireland actually, with people being very secretive about their fertility struggles and no one talking about miscarriages. I told a lot of friends when I was going through IVF round one and though it was nice during it that some of them were supportive and having people to text, I did wish I hadn’t to so many when I had some of them asking me for the result!

    So this time I’m planning to tell less people or at least being more vague about the dates. I haven’t told anyone at work apart from two close friends, I’m able to get most appointments outside of work hours and I just think it’s private! Like you I also don’t want it to affect my job in any way, like if they overlook me for promotion if they knew I’m trying to get pregnant. They might be wondering why I go to the doctor so much though since sometimes appointments go over!

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    • Nara

      I’m lucky in that my job pretty much allows me flexibility for meetings and so on. Although it didn’t when I was working on a project last time – I had a really horrible project manager who wouldn’t accept when I had to take time off even though I wasn’t supposed to be working full time on the project anyway. (I worked 6 days a week on it!) I agree I think this stuff is private. I’m not telling anyone apart from maybe my sister. Even my BFF! I will tell my BFF if I get pregnant but she lives overseas so doesn’t need to know before then. (She’d be the first person I told, though.)

      Like

  19. tidleone

    It’s so hard to know what to do some times. We kept it a secret at first but I was off every other morning and work in a school – it was impossible to hide it from my colleagues (who are probably my closest friends) so I told them exactly what was going on and they were great – they rallied around me but my husband didn’t tell a soul and I think he found it really hard to cope without anyone neutral to talk to.

    The second time we only told close family and my 2 best friends, it was the school holidays so I didn’t tell colleagues anything. I don’t think it was easier, if anything it was worse because noone understood why I was so down and why I’m still struggling silently each day.

    Every one is different – you just have to do whatever feels comfortable.

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    • Nara

      Thanks for sharing your experience. I agree it’s difficult when you have to take all the time off for appointments. I hope that we can get them all done before I move jobs. It’s great that your colleagues were able to support you, though. I’m sure it’s just personal preference and there isn’t a right or wrong way to do it, thank goodness (as I’d probably do it the wrong way if there was one!).

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  20. notabroodychick

    Very few people know our little boy was through IVF. Our parents know and about 4 close friends, but not even my brother or sister. In terms of pregnancy announcements, my parents knew when we got the BFP but we were vague with the dates with OH’s parents and only told them after 7 week scan when we saw heartbeat (they had been so devastated by our earlier MMC we didn’t want to get their hopes up early). We told my brother and sister after than scan too. Then we gradually told friends and other family from 12 weeks onwards but didn’t make any big announcement.. Probably most people knew by 20 weeks. We Just told people as the time was right..no big announcement, and then eventually other people cottoned on once the bump showed!

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    • Nara

      Ah. I told my parents after the scan with the heartbeat and then had to retract it, which was horrendous. So I’m thinking I won’t be telling them unless it seems extremely likely I am going to have a baby! Like… about to give birth!
      I think I wouldn’t mind telling people if I managed to have a baby that it was as a result of IVF. I think it’s good if people know that not everyone has babies super easily. Glad that it all worked out for you!

      Like

  21. libraryowl33

    I told too many people. A handful of friends, and both sets of parents. I had to later retract when we found out that Ember was a chemical. It was really difficult and yet, I’ll probably tell most of the same people when we find out again. Having their support around me was really helpful. However, I think I’m going to avoid posting anything on FB until viability or maybe even until I finally have my baby in my arms.

    Like

    • Nara

      I think that makes sense. Different people need different ways to deal with things and different levels of support. I am pretty bad with accepting support – I really don’t like it when people I know (IRL) talk about the miscarriage – it makes me want to curl up in a ball and tell everyone to go away! I guess it depends on whether you find it helpful or not… I wish I was better at accepting support! I agree, I don’t think I would be posting anything on FB if I ever get that far!

      Liked by 1 person

  22. 30yr old nothing

    I’ve also told too many people. Some I regret, some not. But I’m glad my family and friends know. If N had it his way, no one would know. I feel bad that I’d told my friends before he and I had discussed anything regarding treatment. That was my biggest mistake. I think as long as both of you are on board with who you tell then it should be great.

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    • Nara

      Thanks for sharing your experience. I don’t think T told anyone really either… Although I think he has discussed things once or twice in the abstract with friends who also had IVF. I didn’t really have to ask him re telling anyone last time as we didn’t tell anyone. I still haven’t told anyone this time, although I guess people might assume we would try again given a few of them know about the miscarriage.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. thegriefdiariesblog

    I can totally relate to the feeling of competition! It’s hard to manage and I really think it’s just because we want it to be our turn so badly!
    More of our friends are getting to know our experiences and the fact we are trying, but we’re still keeping it to a minimum. The last thing we want is to tell people we’re trying and have them silently / not so silently waiting for a positive result. It’s a hard one because a support network is so helpful.

    Like

    • Nara

      Thanks – glad it’s not just me! Sometimes it makes me feel so selfish. I should just be happy for other people – and I am, but I’m also sad for me.
      I get what you mean about friends waiting for results. I had a few people not so subtly ask and I’m like “I’m not going to reference IVF at all!”
      Tbh my support network is T (who is amazing) and people in blogland (who are amazing!) so I’m kind of okay with that for now.

      Liked by 1 person

  24. flatwhitetogo85

    This is really interesting. I completely relate to the “Britishness” – we’re a funny old bunch! I can also see where you’re coming from with your sister and why you’re not really sure what to do. It’s unbelievable that this (infertility, IVF, then losing your babies) has happened to both of you and at pretty much the same time. Obviously it’s not a competition, but yes, it will be it’s own special version of awful if it doesn’t work out for one of you. I’m sure your sister will be having the same concerns as you 😦

    It’s so difficult knowing who to tell. We told our immediate families (parents a while ago, BT’s older brother because they’d been through years of infertility before getting lucky, then my brother and sister in law after I had a breakdown at a christening we went to, then BT’s second brother). A few months ago we also started telling close friends. We were selective about it, and only told the ones we could REALLY trust and who (without meaning to sound mean) had the maturity to understand what it actually meant and how it affected us. To be honest, I’m so glad we did as it helped us feel a little less isolated. If things work out, and probably if things don’t work out, I’m going to be relatively vocal about what we went through as I HATE knowing the some of my friends will be going through this/about to go through this and may feel as low and lonely as me.

    As for IVF take 2, I wish you so much luck!x x x

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    • Nara

      Thanks! I’m glad you have got to the telling stage. It must make things feel a bit more real! I am sure we would tell family if we got pregnant, but probably would try and leave it for a while until it was obvious. That said, our family all drink like fishes so it’s hard not to drink – they immediately make assumptions! Hope everything is going well with you. x

      Liked by 1 person

      • flatwhitetogo85

        I meant I told those people when we were struggling with infertility and when we were starting IVF (the one that ultimately got called off). We didn’t say “We’re starting IVF on [day] of [month]” as I didn’t want the speculation, but we’d told them about all the NHS IVF drama, how we were supposed to be starting “some time before Easter”, how we were looking at doing it in the Czech Republic and then ultimately when the IVF was cancelled at the last minute (because I was besides myself…although things have obviously turned out very well so that was only for a few weeks). I just sort of want there to be no shame about any of this and for friends who may end up going through this themselves to feel a little less alone.

        As for the pregnancy (weird) we told our parents straight away. Perhaps that was a little selfish as it put the pressure and nervousness on them and they can’t tell anyone yet. Firstly, we thought they would ask about IVF soon enough and it would feel wrong to lie about it. Secondly, I felt strongly (and still do) that if we lost the baby I’d want to tell them. Over the past week we have told a few close friends, but for all of them we have made it clear that this has been after years of trying and so we want to keep it low key at the moment (i.e. nobody is to put anything on Facebook!). Funnily enough, we’d wondered if one of our couple friends had struggled, then she turned around and said they’d essentially fallen pregnant from a drunken one night stand (a joke because they’re married). Equally, we assumed that one of BT’s friends who has EVERYTHING come easily to him (probably just like Golden Boy in your family!) wouldn’t really understand, but he turned around and said they’d been starting to get worried and had just started seeing a doctor about things when his wife fell pregnant. It’s a funny old game this infertility lark…(obviously in no way funny at all, in any way :p).

        Like

  25. Azul Medianoche

    Oh! Sorry about you and your sister.. That is doubly unfortunate..

    You are right, people should be able to talk about all levels of reproduction.. But I notice we can only talk about the successful side only.. I find that non English people are even worse.. We will pretend everything is fine.. Even if we’re dying! That has to change! There’s nothing wrong with talking about upsets and disappointments.

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