Well, readers, I’m still stimming. I waited for the call on Friday night that never came. (My clinic calls you if you need to change dosage or do something different – if not, you just carry on as you have been.)
Which means, over the weekend I did “the usual” which is:
- 0.25 Buserelin at 06:30
- Vitamin D x 2, Pregnacare, baby aspirin, Omega 3 supplements in the evenings with food (part of the immune advice from Dr S)
- Heparin injection (part of the immune borderline protocol)
- 300 Menopur at 22:00
(I’m never quite sure on the units but I just go by whatever’s on the syringe… Don’t sue me!)
My stats as of this morning’s scan:
20/04 scan (last Wednesday)
R: 12, 13, 13 + 2
L: 11, 12, 12, 11 + 4
22/04 scan (last Friday)
R: 15, 14, 14, 12 + 3
L: 18, 15, 12, 12, 11, 10
25/04 scan (today)
R: 22, 19, 17, 16, 12, 11, 10
L: 23, 18, 18, 17, 17, 12, 11
So… The doc and the nurse said they thought that looked quite good and that they were thinking that egg collection will be on Wednesday. That isn’t for sure though as it’s the consultant who decides on everyone’s treatment at a meeting in the pm, and then they call you if there are any changes. (I told you they don’t communicate very often! Even though they’re very nice when they do!)
I had worked out over the weekend that it wasn’t happening, as they’d have told me on Friday to trigger on Saturday or Sunday – so we started figuring out when it would be, which means it would be triggering this evening (Monday) at the earliest, which means Wednesday egg collection. This would work out fine… Unfortunately Thursday would be a pain as T has to be at work most of the day, so he’d have to step out, do his thing, then go back to work and pick me up when I’m ready. It’s a bit annoying not knowing when it will be. I remember this from last time although I’m thankful it isn’t as stressful as it was then, as I was working about 2.5hrs away from London on a really difficult project, so it’s definitely better than that.
So right now I feel a bit like this…
I’m sure I’ve used this picture before but I really do feel mega swollen. I have put on over the course of this cycle about 4-5 kilos, which is horrific. 3 of which have been during the stims phase! Really I’ve reached peak body image hell (though I think that it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better). Last cycle I stopped weighing myself but this time I decided to do so, because then I can kind of reassure myself what is normal. It’s hard when you’re just feeling bad and guessing, so at least I have a concrete number now. NB I’m not actually trying to lose weight but I want to be aware of my body and what is going on in it.
Random celeb news
Apparently Chrissy Teigen was having IVF (successfully – congratulations Chrissy and John Legend on the birth of daughter Luna, conceived through IVF!) whilst also modelling for Sports Illustrated, and they had to cover the bruises with makeup! (Source: here) More power to her… I mean, I don’t look that good on an everyday basis, let alone once you add in the IVF bloat! Urgh. For some reason, I don’t hate her, like a lot of people seem to (keyboard warriors) as I think she’s done a lot to talk about IVF and infertility and normalise it in the celeb domain.
All the feels…
I asked the doc whether I should expect to feel nauseous, because I really have. I’ve found myself much more sensitive to smells and tastes and am sort of craving carbs. The doc said to drink lots of water and eat protein… Wahey- thanks for telling me at this stage. Never mind. I’ve been drinking loads of water anyway as I always do. I hate to think what might happen if we move to our new apartment where the bathroom is downstairs, and if I get pregnant! I go to the toilet about 2-4 times a night (I think I have some sort of problem) and right now it’s just outside the bedroom. If I have to go downstairs it will be a pain! I’ll have to get a chamber pot!
Other than that I’ve been feeling slightly emotional. I’m sure this is just the drugs and whatnot, and I’ve tried to rationalise it. I think it’s hard seeing all the kids and pregnant women at the best of times but it really seems like they’re all over the place now, including my blog feed. I’ve ventured back onto FB but only posted in some groups I’m a part of as everyone on wider FB seems to be pregnant, so I’ve mainly stuck to the blogs. I’ve unfollowed a few people who never really engaged with me. (Aside: I do find it weird when people write blogs about infertility and whatnot and suck up all the support but never give any out… I feel like one of the best things is getting to know other bloggers and it’s a two way process. But maybe that’s just me.)
As a few of my fellow bloggers said last week, there are a lot of bloggers from our “intake” (cohort? First cycle?) who are now pregnant or mothers already, which does rather challenge the emotions. Not to mention all the ones who joined later and are already there! NB I absolutely don’t think anyone should not take joy in being pregnant and having kids. This is entirely my problem and not anyone else’s! I just find when I’m going through the emotional and physical turmoil of IVF that it’s a bit hard to read sometimes when an infertility blog turns into a mommy blog. I guess that’s just the way it goes, with us infertiles left behind! Like life!
Lately I’ve been wondering at what point we just accept things how they are – like how many cycles is enough? I know that’s crazy talk when we’re only on cycle 2, but I think I’m always conscious of my much longer history of infertility. Last year was my first ever pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage and I’ve never managed to get pregnant the “normal” way, and I’m in my late 30s now with, prior to my current partner, one long term partner and a couple of medium term partners with whom it never happened.
I read about these successful IVFs that happened after a year of “infertility” or something and I think that is different to what I have and it probably would have happened in another year. Dr Robert Winston and the Genesis Trust say that people are doing IVF too quickly… I think in my case it was a bit too slowly! I guess it’s a balancing act between letting things happen and not wanting to leave it too late to investigate. Although I am “old”, I had all these problems in my 20s so I don’t know if the outcome would have been any different. Although maybe I could have gotten started on IVF sooner. I probably wouldn’t have had the money (or the partner who also wanted to do it) then, though. Que sera sera.
We are doing our Plan B again because I think that’s the only way to get through these things. Right now T thinks if we get any frozen embryos we should use our last NHS cycle to do a FET. (We didn’t get any frosties last time.) I’m all for a private cycle before waiting for the NHS cycle, but I suppose it depends on timings as apparently the waiting list isn’t too bad right now. The nurse said if I had a miscarriage again they’d want to wait 3 months before doing IVF again. (She didn’t volunteer this information – that would be a bit insensitive! I asked. She was actually really sympathetic and nice when I told her about the miscarriage.)
We have also been thinking about potential holidays if it doesn’t work out. I’m torn between going to see the orangutans in Borneo (I love orangutans) and going back to WDW (Disney, Florida) for longer this time. Maybe going to Universal Studios too. We are Disney nuts so I never was that bothered about Universal! On our recent trip to Thorpe Park (UK theme park) I felt sick after all the coasters! I’m all about the happy feelings and I don’t know if I would get upset seeing all the baby orangutans who have been orphaned through humans (palm oil is robbing them of their natural habitat). But it would be nice to go and volunteer and help them. Or, we could just take Dog somewhere. (He would go to his Dogparents if we went on hol, probably – there are loads of people who want to look after him!) Anyway, I think it’s good to have a Plan B.
Trying to finish this on a good note rather than a slightly depressed note, so… I had the following conversation with T this morning whilst walking Dog:
Me: “I feel so blown up, like a giant balloon. Will you still love me if I’m a giant big fat balloon?”
T: “Yes of course I would. I would tie a string to you and float you along.” [Mimes holding a balloon floating along above him.]
He’s a keeper!