IVF 2: Still stimming…

Well, readers, I’m still stimming. I waited for the call on Friday night that never came. (My clinic calls you if you need to change dosage or do something different – if not, you just carry on as you have been.)

Which means, over the weekend I did “the usual” which is:

  • 0.25 Buserelin at 06:30
  • Vitamin D  x 2, Pregnacare, baby aspirin, Omega 3 supplements in the evenings with food (part of the immune advice from Dr S)
  • Heparin injection (part of the immune borderline protocol)
  • 300 Menopur at 22:00 

(I’m never quite sure on the units but I just go by whatever’s on the syringe… Don’t sue me!)

My stats as of this morning’s scan:

20/04 scan (last Wednesday)

R: 12, 13, 13 + 2

L: 11, 12, 12, 11 + 4

 

22/04 scan (last Friday)

R: 15, 14, 14, 12 + 3

L: 18, 15, 12, 12, 11, 10

 

25/04 scan (today)

R: 22, 19, 17, 16, 12, 11, 10

L: 23, 18, 18, 17, 17, 12, 11

 

So… The doc and the nurse said they thought that looked quite good and that they were thinking that egg collection will be on Wednesday. That isn’t for sure though as it’s the consultant who decides on everyone’s treatment at a meeting in the pm, and then they call you if there are any changes. (I told you they don’t communicate very often! Even though they’re very nice when they do!)

I had worked out over the weekend that it wasn’t happening, as they’d have told me on Friday to trigger on Saturday or Sunday – so we started figuring out when it would be, which means it would be triggering this evening (Monday) at the earliest, which means Wednesday egg collection. This would work out fine… Unfortunately Thursday would be a pain as T has to be at work most of the day, so he’d have to step out, do his thing, then go back to work and pick me up when I’m ready. It’s a bit annoying not knowing when it will be. I remember this from last time although I’m thankful it isn’t as stressful as it was then, as I was working about 2.5hrs away from London on a really difficult project, so it’s definitely better than that.

The bloat

So right now I feel a bit like this…

Actual picture of me during stims


I’m sure I’ve used this picture before but I really do feel mega swollen. I have put on over the course of this cycle about 4-5 kilos, which is horrific. 3 of which have been during the stims phase! Really I’ve reached peak body image hell (though I think that it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better). Last cycle I stopped weighing myself but this time I decided to do so, because then I can kind of reassure myself what is normal. It’s hard when you’re just feeling bad and guessing, so at least I have a concrete number now. NB I’m not actually trying to lose weight but I want to be aware of my body and what is going on in it.

Random celeb news

Apparently Chrissy Teigen was having IVF (successfully – congratulations Chrissy and John Legend on the birth of daughter Luna, conceived through IVF!) whilst also modelling for Sports Illustrated, and they had to cover the bruises with makeup! (Source: here) More power to her… I mean, I don’t look that good on an everyday basis, let alone once you add in the IVF bloat! Urgh. For some reason, I don’t hate her, like a lot of people seem to (keyboard warriors) as I think she’s done a lot to talk about IVF and infertility and normalise it in the celeb domain.

All the feels…

I asked the doc whether I should expect to feel nauseous, because I really have. I’ve found myself much more sensitive to smells and tastes and am sort of craving carbs. The doc said to drink lots of water and eat protein… Wahey- thanks for telling me at this stage. Never mind. I’ve been drinking loads of water anyway as I always do. I hate to think what might happen if we move to our new apartment where the bathroom is downstairs, and if I get pregnant! I go to the toilet about 2-4 times a night (I think I have some sort of problem) and right now it’s just outside the bedroom. If I have to go downstairs it will be a pain! I’ll have to get a chamber pot!

Other than that I’ve been feeling slightly emotional. I’m sure this is just the drugs and whatnot, and I’ve tried to rationalise it. I think it’s hard seeing all the kids and pregnant women at the best of times but it really seems like they’re all over the place now, including my blog feed. I’ve ventured back onto FB but only posted in some groups I’m a part of as everyone on wider FB seems to be pregnant, so I’ve mainly stuck to the blogs. I’ve unfollowed a few people who never really engaged with me. (Aside: I do find it weird when people write blogs about infertility and whatnot and suck up all the support but never give any out… I feel like one of the best things is getting to know other bloggers and it’s a two way process. But maybe that’s just me.) 

As a few of my fellow bloggers said last week, there are a lot of bloggers from our “intake” (cohort? First cycle?) who are now pregnant or mothers already, which does rather challenge the emotions. Not to mention all the ones who joined later and are already there! NB I absolutely don’t think anyone should not take joy in being pregnant and having kids. This is entirely my problem and not anyone else’s! I just find when I’m going through the emotional and physical turmoil of IVF that it’s a bit hard to read sometimes when an infertility blog turns into a mommy blog. I guess that’s just the way it goes, with us infertiles left behind! Like life!

Lately I’ve been wondering at what point we just accept things how they are – like how many cycles is enough? I know that’s crazy talk when we’re only on cycle 2, but I think I’m always conscious of my much longer history of infertility. Last year was my first ever pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage and I’ve never managed to get pregnant the “normal” way, and I’m in my late 30s now with, prior to my current partner, one long term partner and a couple of medium term partners with whom it never happened. 

I read about these successful IVFs that happened after a year of “infertility” or something and I think that is different to what I have and it probably would have happened in another year. Dr Robert Winston and the Genesis Trust  say that people are doing IVF too quickly… I think in my case it was a bit too slowly! I guess it’s a balancing act between letting things happen and not wanting to leave it too late to investigate. Although I am “old”, I had all these problems in my 20s so I don’t know if the outcome would have been any different. Although maybe I could have gotten started on IVF sooner. I probably wouldn’t have had the money (or the partner who also wanted to do it) then, though. Que sera sera.

Plan B

We are doing our Plan B again because I think that’s the only way to get through these things. Right now T thinks if we get any frozen embryos we should use our last NHS cycle to do a FET. (We didn’t get any frosties last time.) I’m all for a private cycle before waiting for the NHS cycle, but I suppose it depends on timings as apparently the waiting list isn’t too bad right now. The nurse said if I had a miscarriage again they’d want to wait 3 months before doing IVF again. (She didn’t volunteer this information – that would be a bit insensitive! I asked. She was actually really sympathetic and nice when I told her about the miscarriage.)

We have also been thinking about potential holidays if it doesn’t work out. I’m torn between going to see the orangutans in Borneo (I love orangutans) and going back to WDW (Disney, Florida) for longer this time. Maybe going to Universal Studios too. We are Disney nuts so I never was that bothered about Universal! On our recent trip to Thorpe Park (UK theme park) I felt sick after all the coasters! I’m all about the happy feelings and I don’t know if I would get upset seeing all the baby orangutans who have been orphaned through humans (palm oil is robbing them of their natural habitat). But it would be nice to go and volunteer and help them. Or, we could just take Dog somewhere. (He would go to his Dogparents if we went on hol, probably – there are loads of people who want to look after him!) Anyway, I think it’s good to have a Plan B.

And finally…

Trying to finish this on a good note rather than a slightly depressed note, so… I had the following conversation with T this morning whilst walking Dog:

Me: “I feel so blown up, like a giant balloon. Will you still love me if I’m a giant big fat balloon?”

T: “Yes of course I would. I would tie a string to you and float you along.” [Mimes holding a balloon floating along above him.]

He’s a keeper!

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56 comments

    • Nara

      Ha. I thought it was just me with the weak bladder! I think all the drinking of water doesn’t help!

      Yes he is a keeper… I’m definitely sticking with him!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      I know! It’s so horrible… Ironic really as it’s like being a bit pregnant (stomach bloat and boob bloat wise) but you’re not pregnant! No great excuse apart from this darned fertility treatment that we aren’t discussing with anyone!

      I haven’t heard yet from the nurse but she said she will definitely call tonight, whether I trigger or not, so here’s hoping! X

      Like

  1. Courtney

    Great progress over the weekend! There are some serious follicles that keep growing in there! You know me…. Very hopeful this cycle! It’s looking great on paper!!!

    We’ve had offline conversations on the “one and done” IFer. I wrote a post once in why IVF feels different than other treatments and got a bit of hate because “pain is pain.”. Having done the natural thing, IUI’s, and multiple IVF’s myself…. No, pain is not pain. I’ve stair stepped through it all and anyone else who has will tell you that an IVF failure is way more painful than an IUI failure. Seeing others lap you with “just a couple of IUI’s,” (yes, I said it) or one IVF is painful and sometimes, unbearable. It’s not the pain olympics, “it just is.”. People can debate it all they want, but for ME, the levels of difficulty and pain are way worse the further down you go the IF route.

    Many people, unfortunately, find out during IF that their partners are not keepers. I’m happy that T does not fall into that camp!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks, I knew you’d understand! And that’s why I tried to say that I don’t think people should self censor or whatever. I mean it’s just one more thing that infertiles have to deal with and we will manage! It’s just hard when I’m having a hard day to be all like “Oh that’s fine, my time will come!” And the physical aspect of IVF is really not fun!

      I’m glad that T is a keeper, for sure! It’s one of the things that keeps me going! That and Dog!

      I’m really hoping for a trigger tonight as that means no drugs tomorrow!

      Like

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt

      I’m with you on that – there is definitely a whole lot more invested in IVF than IUIs in terms of physical pain, money spent and time it takes!!! I did 3 IUIs back to back in 3 months with no luck and yes they hurt to fail, but compared to just 1 IVF cycle the pain of failure was immense!!! Now on my 3rd IVF I can tell you that the physical pain varied each time (this being the worst :-() I’m now terrified of the emotional pain if this time doesn’t work…the pain is cumulative as the journey progresses in every way-physically and emotionally. Adding time to the equation- very difficult. I honestly don’t know how people can do 6 IVFs…I think I’d be broken!

      Like

  2. theskyandback

    Hahaha awwww, T does sound like a keeper! I hope for your sake that you can trigger tonight for retrieval on Wednesday as I know you are feeling like crap. Your numbers look really good, so I bet tonight will be the night! And it is really hard when a lot of your original cohort gets pregnant first. I was one of the last of my very first blogger friends to get pregnant and I felt happy for them, but also sad and kind of lonely too. It’s a weird feeling and I’m sorry you are experiencing it. I am keeping everything crossed that this is YOUR time and your cycle! And haha you will definitely need a chamber pot when you move to the place with the bathroom downstairs! πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks, it’s great that there are people who understand. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself as I’m fit to burst! And everyone seems to be having “oopsie” babies! Of course I don’t begrudge anyone that – it’s just a natural thought process that I have to deal with. Weird to wonder if I’ll always be childless.

      I’m thinking I may have to start wearing a catheter at night… Aaaagh!

      Like

    • Nara

      No I haven’t been there yet! In the UK or US! I’m not mad on HP – I read all the books and enjoyed them but I didn’t watch many of the films. Got a bit bored after the first two. I didn’t think they looked how I thought they did in my head! That said, I do think we should go to the UK one at some point as it’s not too far from London!

      Like

  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    Yes, T is a keeper. ☺
    I hope you get to trigger tonight! I cannot even begin to imagine how uncomfortable you are right now!
    Also, i now need to watch willy wonka and the chocolate factory. ☺
    I too want to know about harry potter world.

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you! Yes I feel like I’m about to pop – it’s not a good feeling! Plus trying to find clothes that fit. My coat will hardly do up! Hoping desperately for a trigger this eve!

      See my reply above… I think we are overdue a visit to the UK one! Orlando will have to wait!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. mamajo23

    Ok that conversation is so sweet. I can understand the feeling left behind and also having IF turned Mommy blogs be a trigger at certain times. My kind of personal rule is if I am not connected or invested in the blogger or if the blogger suddenly forgets their readers are all going through IF/ RPL and starts posting long blogs about cute onesies and curated baby and me images then I unfollow. I personally think My Perect Breakdown has made a great transition but truthfully I love her so much I would probably follow regardless :). Wishing you so much luck. That looks like a lot of growing follicles! Xo

    Like

    • Nara

      Yes, I think that makes sense and is a good way of explaining the complex feelings! I am absolutely invested in a bunch of bloggers who are currently pregnant (like Amy, Emily, etc) and I’m not about to unfollow them. I do really appreciate people who are pregnant and don’t immediately drop their blogging activities – and I understand that those with new babies won’t have as much time to blog. It’s totally fair enough and my feelings are more to do with my own non-moving-on rather than anyone else’s moving on. I think people should be able to post what they want on their blogs! I just reserve the right to unfollow (as they can me) if it becomes a bit difficult.

      Argh the follicles! I know some have way more and I wonder how they cope! I’m fit to burst!

      Like

  5. Amy M.

    I love the conversation at the end!! So cute!! I will say about the waiting after miscarriage thing…I’ve been hearing a lot lately that you shouldn’t wait the 3 months. I don’t have any of the articles to cite, sorry, but I’m sure if you do some searching on the net you could find some. Of course it depends on your Dr and what they are willing to do I guess, but just wanted to throw that out there. BUT hopefully you won’t have to worry about that!! Your numbers are looking fabulous! I would guess that you’ll trigger tonight, but that’s just me. The not knowing how to plan thing really sucks during IVF. Hope that all works out for you as well!! I have my fingers and toes and everything crossed for you!!!

    Like

    • Nara

      Thanks! I think it isn’t necessarily the received wisdom and more like how long they will wait on the NHS. I’m sure if I had a miscarriage and wanted to go private then they’d do whatever I asked as long as I pay! Yeah it would be great never to go through this again! I really hope to trigger tonight as I’m bursting… I don’t remember it feeling like this last time although apparently my numbers were similar. (I didn’t pay any notice last time as I thought knowing less I would feel better!)

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The EcoFeminist

    Yep Chrissy Teigen and John Legend did go through IVF and it worked on the first try… I really like to watching her as she was completely transparent on Twitter as to what she was going through even though there are so many jerks out there saying ignorant things ( think about how many stupid things people have said to us and now imagine us being celebrities and getting it x 100!). Also Tyra Banks recently had a baby through a surrogate as she had been trying herself for many years … they were both talking on a show called fab life ( I don’t watch it but caught the clip of the two of them on some entertainment news show) and were talking about how hard it was.

    Like

    • Nara

      Yeah, they were the “one and done” types which is a bit jealousy inducing (especially as she managed to keep the bikini body the entire time!) but then I appreciated how she was so open about it, and about infertility beforehand. It helps to know that some celebs have it too, rather than miraculously having kids in their 40s with no apparent difficulties!

      Like

    • Nara

      Thank you! Yeah I feel like a total bloater- maybe a puffer fish without the spikes! I had a look in the mirror and my face is bloated too. No fun! Here’s hoping for the trigger this eve… At least that would mean no meds tomorrow. I think there’s a lot to be said for the natural / mild IVF as this sort makes me feel like ****! Although not sure I’d want to go through the banking process so many times.

      Yes he’s great! I’m glad I met him. And also glad to have little Dog! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. TryTryAgain

    Ah T is definitely a keeper, bless him! Thinking of you and hoping for a quick and smooth retrieval – doesn’t sound like much fun to be so bloated and ready to pop! I don’t blame you at all for unfollowing some people once they fall pregnant, I did exactly the same. You just do whatever makes you feel better, that’s the most important thing πŸ™‚ xx

    Like

    • Nara

      Thanks love. Yes I’m just feeling really bloated now but hopefully will be over soon. Hey did you have heparin from Dr S? So not enjoying those! They’re the biggest needles – like how I imagine PIO (although I’m hoping I never have to have those!). I haven’t really unfollowed many – just a couple who never “talked” to me anyway. I’m sure if I ever get pregnant I’ll start following all the mum blogs! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • TryTryAgain

        No, I didn’t ever have heparin I’m afraid. I had humira and they were bad too!! Hope the retrieval goes well and you feel less massive afterwards πŸ™‚ keep us posted and really hoping it all goes smoothly! Xxx

        Like

  8. MrsD

    Those are great numbers!!!! I never got anything close to that when I was taking fertility drugs! I feel like this is a good sign for you!

    Like

    • Nara

      Aww thank you! I asked the nurse to look at the previous cycle and they actually seemed a bit similar although it’s hard to tell because they mark Xs on a chart rather than write numbers! But I’m hoping this means no more stims!

      Like

      • MrsD

        In my experience, fertility treatment is SUCH a process, it’s important to celebrate the small victories. So I’d say the fact that you are responding well to stims is something to celebrate! It also means that even IF this cycle doesn’t work, it has still provided you and your doctor with valuable information about how your body reacts to the meds, which would be really helpful next time around. But I’m hoping that’s a moot point and that this cycle is going to be “the one” for you!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. RJ

    Wow I hope you have a great egg retrieval and I also hope it works out so your schedules aren’t so cramped and stressful! I also love the picture from Willy Wonka! Loved that movie growing up!

    Please know that there is nothing wrong with avoiding pregnancy triggers on Facebook and blogs. We’ve all been there and it is just so hard because you are obviously happy that others who have struggled are pregnant but that doesn’t change that you are still in the trenches.

    I sincerely hope this cycle is it for you! Sending lots of positive thoughts!

    P.S. T sounds amazing!!!

    Like

    • Nara

      Haha, me too! One of my favourite films of all time. I really didn’t like the new version though – if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!

      Thank you for all the positivity! Yes you’re right – he is amazing. Although I’m not sure he would get far with me as a balloon! πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Babyscienceproject

    Violet Beauregard – my favourite blueberry shaped Roald Dahl figure πŸ‘. Don’t get too het up about the weight. I’m sure most of it is water retention and bloat. And…based on those follicle measurements….it will all be worth it! Nice job.

    Like

    • Nara

      Thanks, you’re right. I’m just a bit stressed as I never really lost much of the weight from the last cycle so I’m feeling pretty uncomfortable in myself. I’m totally fine with putting on weight in pregnancy but it seems pointless if there’s no baby at the end of it! Hopefully it’s all follicles and fluid and it will go down a bit after this week (and then hopefully up again after!).

      My favourite was Veruca Salt – a kindred spirit, haha!

      Like

  11. stealingnectar

    Love your convo with T. Don’t love so much your bloat and stress from infertility. It does wear us down, doesn’t it? I understand. And, for the record, if you need to skip my posts anytime or indefinitely, I surely understand and welcome you to opt out. It’s hard feeling left behind. I actually still feel that way sometimes even though it looks like I will have a successful pregnancy finally. It’s been a rough road and you should do whatever you need to do to stay as balanced as possible! Xx

    Like

      • stealingnectar

        Ha! Well, I wouldn’t blame you even for a second if you needed a break from everyone! I still feel more infertile than fertile, so I feel quite defensive of all people and things in the struggle. I would say logic is telling me I should bring a baby home in July, but experience is still haunting me, even now. Anyway, rooting for you always. Smooches!

        Like

  12. ourgreatestdesire

    That T is such a sweetie! I’m happy you have such a great guy in your life. πŸ™‚ Planning a holiday is always fun, but I’m sincerely hoping you’re not going to need that pick me up and that this cycle brings your rainbow baby!

    Like

  13. EmilyMaine

    Awwwww T is adorable. That is how it is meant to be! I have been to Borneo twice (both times to Sabah on the Malaysian side) and it is a great place for traveling. Easy to get around etc. I am mad about Orangutans too and it was amazing to see them up close. Those follicles are looking good. Hope you get to trigger soon X

    Like

  14. thegreatpuddingclubhunt

    Oh nooooo I’m so sorry you aren’t ready to pop yet!!!! Those follies sound almost ready to go you poor thing!!! I’ve been thinking about you this weekend!

    I love your holiday ideas!!! I get so sad seeing orangutans in zoos they ALWAYS look so unhappy. I once saw one that clear was stressed it was puking then eating it’s vomit over and over again. I think it would be amazing to see them in Borneo!!
    Chris was supposed to go to Universal studios Florida with his friends the weekend of our transfer – I told him to go without me, but he didn’t want to miss the transfer! Bless.
    I hope the bloat doesn’t get much worse, but everything sounds so good with your cycle 😊 I have everything crossed for you πŸ€πŸ’ͺπŸ€

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Paigeed

    Those follie numbers look good! I’ll be thinking of you this week. I’m sorry to hear you are feeling so bloated but it’s all for good reason, right?

    I agree that we need to give support if we want to receive it. Reaching out and connecting with other IF bloggers has been so good for me. I’ve learned a ton and don’t feel so alone.

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you! Yes hopefully it will be over soon. Bit worried I’ll pop like a balloon! πŸ˜‚

      I’ve learned loads from other bloggers. It’s been amazing.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Ash

    Being a bloated blueberry would almost be bearable if there was a river of chocolate nearby but alas this is real life and not a river of chocolate in sight πŸ˜” with those follie numbers though it’s little wonder you are feeling a bit round! They are growing like crazy, looks like some great numbers to me!
    Great positive note to end on, I had the biggest grin on my face when I read that! What a sweet fella!
    Good luck with those follies! Xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Hahaha yes! I need a chocolate river! Although I do remember reading an interview with Augustus Gloop and he said that the river didn’t taste nice at all! In that room, you know when they go in for the first time, it was all new to them as they wanted them to have authentic reactions. I think that’s so cool!

      Here’s hoping that the egg collection goes well tomorrow! I’ve been SOOO dozy today!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ash

        That’s a cool bit of trivia, I never knew that!
        I really hope that your egg retrieval goes awesome, plenty of great eggs and minimum soreness! It’s an anxious time! 😘😘😘

        Like

  17. 30yr old nothing

    Some great growth there! Sorry about the bloat though. Sorry if it sounds like I’m diminishing your pain but my bloat is always minimal, so I’m a little envious. I know it’s not true but I feel like bloat = lots of eggs. Anyway, my follicles are a little bit smaller than yours are. You’re almost there!!! Well done you!

    Like

    • Nara

      Haha, no I’m glad you don’t have it so badly. I hate the bloating. It seems worse this time somehow. I’m sure your follicles will grow more as you’re a bit behind me! Hope yours goes well!

      Liked by 1 person

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