So, as of today I’m officially PUPO! (For the uninitiated, this is less like “pupate” which is what a caterpillar does as it tries to become a butterfly, and more like the rather silly named Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. Although it would be nice to turn into something, maybe.) Today was the day of our embryo transfer.
First up, I’ll put you out of your misery. We transferred one 3BB blastocyst, which is apparently the same as we did last time (which ended up in pregnancy and miscarriage). None of the others were of sufficient quality to freeze – they were all still at “the cellular stage” as in they hadn’t gotten to blastocyst stage yet. So that kind of sucks.
The embryologist was really nice and explained things to us and answered my questions. She said she advised against putting back any of the others as that might affect implantation of our “good” blastocyst. However this is pretty much an NHS guideline that they waive on your final round, so they said if this doesn’t work we’d be allowed to try two next time. Just the thought of another IVF cycle makes me weary.
There is something very funny about the whole embryo transfer process. For one thing you’re meant to have a full bladder, but when they were running an hour late that meant I was almost about to get a burst one. I was doing so well, but then had to go and let a bit out. This is almost worse than holding it, as it’s so unnatural to cut off mid flow! I managed it. Sometimes I wonder if they actually do need a full bladder and just do it to keep our minds on other things. It’s meant to push the uterus into the right position but whatever; everyone’s uterus is shaped differently so I’m not sure how much more difficult it would be if the patient wasn’t about to wet herself!
I forgot from the first time round that we both have robes and hats this time, which is funny, although T didn’t have to take all his clothes off whereas I did. That is NOT a sexy feeling. Legs akimbo, light shining in your v*gina… It’s about the most exposed you’re ever going to be. T joked that it’s his preferred position – although I don’t think there’s usually a light or a speculum involved!
How do I feel? I feel strangely subdued.
First of all, I had a complete weird turn last night. I just couldn’t sleep at all. I mean, at all. I was still wide awake at 05:30. I estimate I got 1 hour of sleep and maybe half an hour of dozing. I used the time to think, try to sleep, stress out slightly, try to sleep, look up stats and dates and medication interactions, try to sleep, and finally I had a little sleep. Turns out Prednisolone is a known insomnia agent and I stupidly took it late the previous day, because I had a lie in. BAD IDEA. So even though I could have had a lie in today, I got up and took the darned stuff because I sure as hell don’t want insomnia tonight.
Dr S had actually warned me about not being able to sleep, due to the prednisolone side effects, but I figured it wouldn’t be that bad and I can get by on very little sleep anyway. Because you have to take it after the Omeprazole (indigestion relief which you take to prevent the prednisolone giving you indigestion…! Complicated!) I didn’t take it until about 12:30 yesterday, which was a very bad idea. Also a bad idea was the coffee I had in the afternoon, because we were tidying the kitchen and I thought what the heck, I’m not pregnant yet and one coffee isn’t going to kill me. I wasn’t wrong and it didn’t kill me but the extended wakefulness was extremely irritating.
One of the things I’ve been thinking/feeling and discussing with T is how infertility (the b****) has robbed us of the innocence of enjoying a pregnancy. I know that my two week wait and pregnancy test won’t be the end of it. I know that’s just the beginning. I won’t even be happy to get a positive test because I know how much can go wrong. I know how our last identically graded “good” blastocyst ended up. I feel like even if we get a positive test, it won’t mean anything. T says he doesn’t even think it counts as something to get excited about until birth(!). I think we are still so bruised from the last experience.
Speaking of bruises, the nosy nurse kept commenting on my stomach bruises and I realised that it’s not that easy to hide the fact that I’m doing the immune protocol. As part of that I have the heparin injections which bruise really badly. She kept asking “Are you on any other medication?” and I said no. Total lie but the NHS doesn’t rate immune treatment and it was safer not to tell them. That’s actually a bit stressful but what can you do? I will go through all that pain to try and have a live baby. Maybe it doesn’t work but it doesn’t do any harm. Apart from the giant bruises. I mean, they’re clearly not from the last stims 5 days ago. Note to self: If I ever do it again, the heparin goes in the right thigh or buttock – away from the nurse! She had to expose my stomach to do the belly ultrasound to guide the catheter in and there was no hiding it. She even asked a few times but I wasn’t saying anything.
It’s a little bit frustrating to have to lie about treatment but given they won’t sanction it and the immune stuff is private (which could jeopardise NHS funding) I’m not willing to risk it.
So… Our embryo’s inside, chilling out (well, hopefully settling in). This is the first step of so many. It’s sort of overwhelming to think how far there is to go, and yet people do it and it works for some of them. Could this be our turn? Our test date is next Saturday which seems like ages away. Also tricky as my sister (who had the similar experience after us last year) is in town on that day so I feel like I’m going to deal with the pregnancy test and then seeing them… I don’t know how I’m going to hold it together. She suggested inviting my brother and I firmly vetoed it. I really do not need a day with kids if I get a negative pregnancy test.
I’m still wondering whether to test early. I didn’t last time but I feel like everything is different this time and I sort of want to prepare myself mentally if it is negative. I know you can get a false negative though. Last time the line kept getting stronger and it still led to a miscarriage so half of me thinks there’s no point. I guess I’m sounding very negative here and it’s possibly a combination of this sh*t actually happening and the realisation that this is chance 2 of 3 down the drain if it doesn’t, and probably lack of sleep! I’m sure I am affected by all the meds so that can’t be helping much. I just keep hoping that this is it for us… This is finally our time.
I’m chilling out at home this afternoon as it’s a bank holiday in the UK – Dog is lying on my legs snoring, which is how it should be. Later we are going to the cinema and then to dinner for date night. And then I’ll try and not obsess about what may or may not happen. There’s nothing I can do now…