You may have seen my last post with the crazy early pregnancy test at 7dp5dt (7 days past 5 day transfer). Well, I wasn’t really sure when I was going to test again, but then T suggested that I might as well (because he enjoys seeing the positive tests!) and that we needed at least to get to what we’re calling “American Test Day” (today: 9dp5dt). Our official test day is Saturday and I wanted to know beforehand as I’m seeing my sister, so want to be able to prepare myself.
Anyway, here’s the progression…
So it’s 9dp5dt today. I have kind of used FMU for yesterday’s and today’s, although as I mentioned in my last post, this point is somewhat moot as I tend to go to the bathroom about a million times a night. (Gosh knows how I will ever cope if I get to a more advanced stage of pregnancy… I will need adult nappies perhaps. Or a chamber pot!)
Today is “American Test Day” which means that unless something goes horribly wrong then it should still hold for official British test day (Saturday), by which time I can confirm to the NHS that I’ve had a positive test, and I can try and hope and wish for the pregnancy to stick until the first scan, which is usually around 7 weeks I think (ages away).
Meanwhile today I cracked open my larger bra. (I bought some larger bras of the very boring bras I like to wear during my last pregnancy, but never managed to get to wearing them on a regular basis after I miscarried.) It is A RELIEF. Seriously I was spilling over the other ones.
I’m actually finding the weight gain really depressing and I know that I shouldn’t be complaining but I am. It’s stressing me out big time. This is because due to the IVF (first cycle which ended in miscarriage) I was already carrying around 10kg of extra weight. I managed to lose a bit of this before starting this cycle – I had a diet in the new year and lost about 4.5kg, which I was feeling quite happy with. But since starting IVF cycle 2 I have put on loads. I mean it’s more like 8kg. It’s REALLY bothering me. I don’t feel myself at all.
Of course if this ends up in a baby I will be home and hosed (as they say). It is worth it if I have a baby, and it’s an acceptable amount of weight to put on in pregnancy (I’m hoping if it actually happens the excess flab will be sucked up by baby weight). But it’s totally NOT okay if I end up miscarrying again. Added to which I just don’t feel myself and it’s really messing with my self-image. For example it’s taking me ages to decide what to wear in the mornings because I can’t fit into a load of stuff without it making me look pregnant. (Ironic.) At least the lovely coffee barista where I work (I love him; he’s super friendly and gives me free hot chocolate quite often, haha) asked me if I was going out somewhere because “You look nice today”. Bless him. (I think because I was feeling so terrible I wore bright pink lipstick today. My face is round. I am a blob.)
My boobs are absolutely humungous which when you’re short makes you look dumpy. And my stomach is the largest it’s ever been. T has also commented on it and told me I shouldn’t get too fat(!) which has messed with my head a bit because he always usually makes me feel great about myself. He didn’t say it in a horrible way (before you jump on him! He’s the perfect partner most of the time!) but more in a “Don’t let yourself get lazy and sit around turning into a blob” way (as I have a tendency to sit around stuffing my face!). Oh dear. Well anyway so that’s also making me feel bad. Although he did say he meant when I’m not pregnant and that pregnancy does not count as fat.
I suppose my main thought processes right now are around whether this pregnancy could actually stick. It feels really weird for me right now. I worked out (using the Pregnancy app I had previously turned off/moved to a back page on my phone) that according to workings out I am supposedly 4 weeks pregnant today. Crazy. Another 2 months to go until the “safe zone” (I’m sure nothing is actually safe). I read through some of my old blogs last night and realised I felt so much more positive last time that I was actually pregnant, whereas now I don’t feel positive AT ALL. I don’t feel negative… I just feel sort of neutral. Like I don’t want to get excited until at least 12 weeks. And I know enough sad stories that have happened after 12 weeks. I feel like at least if I get to 12 weeks then I’d feel justified in telling people.
And then more baby things… I went to see my friend who has the 9 month old baby. It was fine actually. I guess that these things you get used to as an infertile. It was weird to think “I’m actually pregnant” (as even if it doesn’t get far, I’m pregnant for now). She was totally digging a bit but I didn’t say anything about being pregnant. She even said something about not wanting to not ask, because assuming makes people feel bad. (I was thinking “How about you just don’t ask?” But I know she didn’t mean it in a horrible way.) The group of friends in that group, who all went to uni together, all have babies apart from me. The other two have 2 babies each and she has one. So I’m definitely the odd one out, and last time we all got together (they live a long way away), two were pregnant and one was breastfeeding so I was a bit like “Shut up already about babies” and I told them I had fertility problems, so that’s probably why she was trying to be sympathetic.
Anyway she mentioned how she’d realised that lots of people have fertility problems and one of her friends was seeing “some immune guy” and then said where it was (outside of London) and I was like “Doctor S”! Her friend is currently pregnant and seeing Dr S and on an immune protocol which my friend then proceeded to tell me all about (steroids for natural killer cells). I thought then and there I could just tell her but I really couldn’t be bothered to get into it. Anyway it was funny to think! We ended up meeting at a shopping centre and going round EVERY BABY STORE. But it was okay. I honestly am that friend who’s used to being the childless one. I suppose it’s slightly easier thinking I’m pregnant for now.
Also there’s other great news which is that Try Try Again (who first put me in touch with Dr S) has had her baby! A son! So happy for her! And actually the reason why I’m seeing my sister this weekend is that they are staying the weekend in London and going to see Dr S on Monday. So it’s all round good business for Dr S!
T is still kind of sceptical about the whole immunology stuff but I kind of don’t care if it’s cobblers, as long as it works. I have booked in next week for my first post pregnancy IV as I’m supposed to have another dose of the intralipids. I’m literally not taking any chances. Throwing the whole immunology book at it! I don’t care! Apparently I have to keep taking all the drugs until at least 12 weeks. The progesterone (Crinone) gel I’m still on every morning and as we say in certain parts of the UK, it’s minging! (Gross.) But the rest I am sort of used to – lots of tablets / capsules plus the heparin injections. One of the things I’m worried about is ‘fessing up that I am taking heparin but I don’t know what to say about that really. They do TV scans until you graduate to the normal doctor (at 12 weeks I think) so they probably won’t concentrate on my belly (where I have mega bruises from the heparin) until then. Maybe I need to get some sort of guidance from Dr S. I’m not really thinking that far ahead right now. We’re taking it as it comes.
That’s just a selection of my daily meds. I also have Omeprazole for indigestion (for the steroids) and heparin injections every evening. So the next stage is to get to our first scan which is usually done between 6 and 7 weeks. (There is the “official test” on Saturday also. But hoping that I’m still pregnant then.) If it measures okay then (our first one was inconclusive last time so we had to go back a week later, even though there was a heartbeat) we then start waiting and hoping for the 12 week scan. I think Dr S might give more scans in between but I don’t know yet – I guess I’ll find that out when I go for the intralipids infusion next week.
The other thing is, I’ve been feeling quite nauseous. I don’t know what this is and whether it’s related to the pregnancy. Maybe it’s just that I am being accustomed to being greedy (I’m just trying to go with anything food related right now as I feel so bad generally) but I keep feeling a bit sick. Last pregnancy I had this sort of… Metallic taste in my mouth and I’ve noticed that a bit. I wonder if that’s just the folic acid (in the Pregnacare I take) or something. I’m not sure. I definitely have had that taste for just over a week and now I’m even feeling a bit queasy, and I can’t tell if it’s greed or hormones. I looked up online and it’s too early for morning sickness (and I’m barely ever sick anyway) but I’m not sure if this is a good sign or a bad sign. I don’t recall feeling like this last time.
That’s also affected what I want to eat. Weirdly I have had sort of cravings and/or food aversions. I love pizza all the time but haven’t wanted it as much as usual. I have wanted fresh stuff like fruit! And then at other times I just want carbs. But either way I feel like my food attitude is a bit weird. I’ve also felt really hot and I don’t know whether that’s the weather (unseasonably warm in London even though we have had lots of rain too- and yes, I know this isn’t anything compared to other places, but we are used to cold here!). I sort of feel a bit “hot flush”-y. Hmm.
Aside from that I’ve also suddenly felt quite tired. I don’t know whether that’s anything either. At first the prednisolone made me sort of insomniac but now I just feel quite like lying on the sofa doing nothing. T is being patient! We still go out to walk Dog twice a day so at least I am getting some exercise. But I definitely don’t feel myself.
Time will tell…