IVF 2: When is the waiting ever going to end?!

I am scared.

We aren’t even at official test day yet – that’s tomorrow. And yet I know I’m pregnant because 5 (count ’em!) home pregnancy tests tell me I am.

I’ve been testing every day since Monday (7dp5dt – 7 days past 5 day transfer) and tomorrow is the “official” test day where in the UK we get told to do a home pregnancy test, at 12dp5dt. We don’t have betas. I haven’t decided yet whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. I’m sure I would just panic even more and I don’t actually know what the numbers are, but I feel like I’m on a ticker trying to make it to the next hurdle and every time I jump one, there’s another bloody one coming up.

Here’s the progression…

Today’s was possibly a bit lighter because I needed the bathroom at about 04:00 but then decided it was too early to test. And then my horrible neighbours decided to wake me up by playing music through my bedroom ceiling at 05:40 so I ended up getting up and trying to do a test, but probably didn’t have enough in my bladder to do it properly. Anyway. The lines seem to be getting a bit clearer.


11dp5dt is today. I’m not sure what the lighter line on the right means though. Aaaagh. It probably doesn’t do me any good to scrutinise it.

Anyway, tomorrow’s official test from the clinic is a Clearblue (the blue cross type ones that we used during the last pregnancy) so I guess that will be a change. I have some left over so I have enough to do two, for comparative purposes!

The one thing that’s keeping me from going absolutely crazy is the fact that the pregnancy tests were a lot lighter on official test day last time. That said, they were Clearblue and not First Response like the ones I’m using now. (For some silly superstitious / not wanting bad associations reason, I decided to go with the pink tests this time.) The first test I did with Clearblue last time was a squinter at 12dp5dt even with FMU (first morning urine, nice!) and so I feel like these have been a bit clearer – and the first test I did at 7dp5dt wasn’t even with FMU either.

The thing that’s driving me slightly mad is this idea that we can still lose the baby very easily. It might be a chemical pregnancy which means that it doesn’t fully implant and develop. That’s the most pressing risk right now and there’s nothing I can do about it. If we were anywhere other than the UK we would have betas (blood tests) to see if our HCG is rising. We don’t do that here, and we just wait to see what shows up at the scan. So in theory you could have a chemical and never even know about it, but obviously I do because of IVF and darned infertility.

After that the next pressing risk is getting to see a normal development at 6-7 week scan. We actually got that far last time, and saw a heartbeat, which supposedly means that you only have a 5% chance of miscarriage after that. Guess what? I was in that 5%! The heartbeat disappeared from subsequent scans and anyway it wasn’t the size it should have been at 6w5d, but the clinic has this way of trying to make you feel better about things so didn’t fully tell us to expect the worst. That was awful, because it meant we initially thought things were okay (they just said “Come back next week as it isn’t very clear” rather than “It doesn’t look like the baby is developing as it should be at this point”). It was so traumatic, and then I had a miscarriage but it didn’t happen until 9 weeks even though the baby stopped growing at around 6. I feel like I’m completely terrified that will happen again.

My next thing is that I am off to Dr S’s clinic tomorrow morning (nice early weekend wake up) for an intralipids infusion, which is part of the immune protocol I’m on. I had one before transfer and I’m also meant to have one if we have a positive pregnancy test. I was initially booked in for next Wednesday but they called back and asked if I could go in tomorrow morning (Saturday: Official test day! 12dp5dt) as it’s apparently better to do it ASAP at 4 weeks. I’m on it! Not taking any chances. I also need to get more drugs for the immune protocol as they only gave me enough to take to this point, as I suppose if you get a negative test you can stop taking them. I have to say I’m not enjoying the heparin at all as the injections are super large and they hurt, but I’ve been good about doing them. And I seem to have gotten over the insomnia from the prednisolone, so that’s good.

Today I’ve done a mini baby shower in the office. This isn’t for the b**** (who is also pregnant and is literally a walking blimp on loudspeaker). I am still hoping that something bad happens to her (like she is struck down by severe laryngitis meaning she can never talk again) but there’s another girl in the office who’s really nice and who is due to leave for mat leave next week. I know that lots of people in our position have this big aversion to baby showers and I do too in some circumstances, but she’s American and away from home and nobody did anything for her so I felt bad for her. Apparently her mum (mom!) is having a baby shower for her via Skype this weekend, and is going to open all the presents there and then bring them over! So we get on really well and I decided to make her a cake and got her a few presents. She knows it will be a girl so you can see it is a bit garish!


It’s meant to be pink ombrΓ© inside – am hoping it works out okay! The cake went a bit mad because since we are moving (possibly… one day…) we had to sell the industrial oven that T bought for me, which I loved but wouldn’t fit in the new tiny shoebox flat. So I had to try and make the various layers (I did 5, of staggered pinkness) in the crappy oven that our landlady bought – it is literally the cheapest oven you can get and it either burns stuff or doesn’t cook it, and it makes me really mad. So I had to throw out a few layers and do them again. Exasperating but Dog was quite pleased with the offcuts. Here’s hoping it cuts nicely!

So… One more day until Official Test Day. Intralipids and sister tomorrow. We are going to go for a nice walk with Dog along the Thames in the afternoon (if it’s not raining) and will go to a nice pub for dinner, so hopefully it will be a good catch up. My brother has been trying to catch up and messaging me but I’ve sort of been avoiding him (and his fertility: 2 kids) for now. As I don’t want to have to explain about the no drinking. I will definitely try and catch up with them once I know either way, but I don’t feel emotionally up to it right now.

Just need to try and get to the scan. That’s the next thing.

I know I am probably sounding nuts over this. But I’m so scared. I know what there is to lose. I know how far we got last time and how painful the loss was. I’m in awe of anyone pregnant who can just be happy about it and “have faith” and start buying baby things and believe it’s going to happen. I follow a few bloggers who do this and I am happy for them that they can do that, but I am so not there. I’m taking each day as it comes and trying to deal with it, but I still don’t believe it.

Please let us make it to the scan.

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79 comments

  1. sewingbutterfly

    The control line can get lighter as the ‘result’ line can steal the dye from it πŸ™‚ looks like perfect progression to me! Fingers crossed you have a smooth 9 months ahead of you. I hold my breath everytime you post! Cheering you on from Australia!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Solo

    Most UK clinics do infact do betas, I think yours must be an exception πŸ™‚ If you’re worried you can always go to a different clinic one morning for testing – they’re usually only Β£30 if you’re not a patient there and you get the results after 5pm (that’s how my clinic does it anyway) so small price for peace of mind. Personally I wouldn’t bother unless the tests started to get really light though.

    Like

  3. RC

    FWIW, when I had my chem the test line wasn’t anywhere near as dark as your first test. No where near it. Never got any darker and got lighter after about three days. I also used frer. You’ve got a nice strong line there.
    My first pregnancy also ended in a miscarriage, at 10w. It certainly made it harder to enjoy being pregnant, especially getting through trimester 1. But each time I crossed a milestone and noticed the differences (scans measuring the right size, hb was uniform, MS didn’t disappear) I stared to feel better. It still didn’t feel real for a very long time and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never came. Slowly I got used to the idea and allowed myself to enjoy being pregnant. I figured if I lost it, it would still hurt like hell, no matter how I tried to protect myself. Hugs x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Thank you, I really appreciate the reassurance. I know I probably sound absolutely mental but I am just stressed about it! Like I want to know either way! Right now it’s just limbo not knowing. But like you say, I’ll have a previous experience to compare it to, so I guess I’ll get a feeling. Thank you for understanding. X

      Like

  4. spiteorflight

    That progression looks amazing! If you were having betas, they’d want to see the numbers doubling every 2-3 days. So if you look at your tests, every other day, you can see they are all getting progressively darker (a very good sign!)

    I know it’s hard, hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Babyscienceproject

    You are pregnant! There’s nothing you can do about chemical pregnancies so try not to think about it. If you start dwelling on the what if’s you will go mental. Tell yourself that things are statistically most likely to be FINE. Kept me going a bit few the first hideous couple of months. If you’re really stressing then maybe you can go to that blood test place on Harley St for betas? Also helped me. Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ha, thanks. I totally looked up the Harley street thing but I don’t think I would have had time to go today (baby shower!) and then T thinks there is no point because you can’t change the outcome. Argh. I’ll ask the folk at Dr S’s clinic tomorrow!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Amy M.

    I was going to explain the lines on the tests for you but it looks like others already covered that lol! They look amazing! They do have digital progression tests, I forget who makes them, but they tell you how far along you are based on the amount of HCg in your urine. Like they will read out “2-3 weeks”, etc. But if you can find a lab or clinic that will do a Beta for you (as someone mentioned above) I would totally spend the money to do that lol!!!
    I know you’re talking about me being happy and buying things lol. I just need to keep myself in the mindset that everything will be fine and it will all work out. If I start to let the negative thoughts creep in, I’ll drive myself crazy. I do still constantly think of the baby we lost a couple years ago, and like a paranoid freak still check for blood every time I go to the bathroom. I don’t think that will ever go away. I hope you continue to progress nicely, see a nice little blob at 6 weeks with a strong heart, and keep growing from there!! I still feel this is it for you…I’ll stay positive for the both of us!!! (sorry this comment is so long!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Oh don’t apologise! I was thinking of you but also of others I know through blogging who are the same. I wish I could be positive like that, and I’m glad you are – I’m not knocking it at all! I think it would be great! Maybe I’ll feel a bit better if I can make it through the first scan. I’m just overall a bit all over the place but I think that’s because I had no expectations of bad stuff last time and it happened. But I should just go with it! I’m so glad everything is going great for you! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. TryTryAgain

    You’re not mental at all, I went through EXACTLY the same thoughts in each pregnancy. It’s completely natural after a loss, so I’d just say accept that you’re anxious, but know that there’s bugger all that you can do about it. You can always pay for betas to be done at private clinics too, they’re not that expensive and easy to find on Harley St.

    Your test lines are looking amazing. I did just the same on my last pregnancy and yours look really strong.

    The crappy reality is that it really is just a waiting game now sadly. But – your tests look great and you’re taking the best treatments that you can to try and help. Whenever I would stress about things (ie – every single day), Dr S would tell me that ‘you’re doing everything you can for this pregnancy’ and he’s absolutely right. I’m so hopeful that you get to the scan, have everything crossed for you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you for understanding! I am still sort of up in the air about whether to get betas. I think really they won’t change the outcome so I just need to wait. It seems like sooooo long though and I’m scared. But maybe I just need to POAS every day so I can see if it starts to fade (because I guess that tells you the same as betas, maybe). I don’t know. I’ll ask someone at the clinic tomorrow morning!!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Courtney

    How sweet of you to host a shower for your friend. That is very thoughtful!!

    Normal IFers have stress over this. Add in a prior miscarriage and you can be as mental as you want to be. I had that empty sac and it made me so neurotic once we did have a strong HPT. My betas helped me relax, but not a lot. FWIW, I think of the empty sac as a chemical and my lines were so light by 11dp5dt. Nothing like yours. This is not a chemical.

    I’m so excited for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ah you are too sweet! Sorry I am sure I’m coming across as a complete mentalist. It just seems like torture! Like I just sort of want to know either way so I can prepare myself for the worst if it happens! I can’t really believe that this could actually be it.

      Like

  9. MrsD

    As others have said, that line progression looks great! You’re at the point where the test line is so strong it needs to steal dye from the control line, so just know that you probably won’t see much progression after this because the lines can only get so dark! I know the horrible fear and anxiety of the first few weeks all too well, so the only advice I can give is to just focus on each little milestone instead of the big picture. With this pregnancy I looked at as “even if this baby is like the last one and has a very short life, I want to spend that little bit of time loving him/her.” It wasn’t perfect, and I still spent waaay too much time freaking out, but it helped a little.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Nara

      Ahhh thanks. I think I’m just going a bit mad. I never knew that about stealing dye from the control line!! What a surprise!
      Thank you for understanding! Xx

      Like

  10. miraclebabyo

    Your HPT seem to be staying strong so I am going to say you are most definitely preggers missy! I have hear that in the UK you can ask your GP for a beta test if you really wanted one. Sometimes I feel like we do too many test here in the US and I wish they wouldn’t.
    You are very sweet to through your co-worker a baby shower, that cake looks de-lish!
    So far the two of us are on the exact same track on 11dp5dt, let hope it stays that way!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      That’s so funny! We are test twins!

      Yes I’m undecided about betas. I’ll ask Dr S (or the midwife) at the clinic tomorrow and see what he says. (I am seeing Dr S privately but had IVF on the NHS so they don’t know about the immunology treatment as they don’t support it here.)

      I guess I just have to wait!

      Liked by 1 person

      • miraclebabyo

        Oh, forgot to mention you can ice before the heparin injections AND you can inject into your love handles which is a little less painful and will hide some of those wicked bruises (i look abused some weeks).

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        Maybe I should try that! I think I’m going to get into trouble with the bruising… But it’s not my main worry right now! I should ice really. Although when I did what someone recommended (can’t remember who) and just sort of jab it in quickly, it hurts less! I need to pluck up the courage to do it though and always end up doing it too slowly and it hurts more!

        Liked by 1 person

      • miraclebabyo

        I have never been able to just jab myself, I go slowly every time. I usually pinch and then slowly put the needle in. My needle is the same size as the Lupron needle, so its pretty short compared to the PIO needle. I also have to inject twice a day with Heprin so using the love handles helps give my lumpy bruised stomach a rest. The blood thinner makes you bruise easier so I really have not found a cure for that as of yet.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        I think the actual blood thinner bruising thing is the main problem. Oh well! I’m getting used to it! I pinch and sort of try and push it in. Urgh! I don’t have a problem with any of the other needles, just this one!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. thegreatpuddingclubhunt

    Woah!!! That’s some great line progression there!!! I’m pretty sure with dark lines at this stage this won’t be a chemical pregnancy. But I get your anxiety about it all. I have been tempted to test this week because I haven’t been feeling so pregnant…but I’ve been good! The 2WW is one thing, but moving into this next 2WW is a complete mind bender, particularly after loss. Why hasn’t anyone invented a method for measuring/tracking beta levels with your pee at home yet???!! Aghhhh!!!!

    I love your cake for the baby shower (as always!) you have a beautiful heart to do this when you are going through what you are right now πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Oh, I know you get it! And you had such a terrible experience. At least I managed to take 3 weeks off more or less to recover last time!
      I really hope that I can stop worrying about a chemical and move onto worrying about the scan (Argh!!!!). Oh well, I don’t think there’s anything we can do but wait! Sending you amazing sticky vibes!

      Like

  12. dinksbydefault

    so the right line got lighter for me too and I read that the right line gets lighter when your HCG is so high that the left line is so dark it is “pulling” ink from the right line – I think you are good to go πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  13. RJ

    Your tests are progressing great! Looking forward to comparing the official test from clear blue. I wonder why they pick that brand?

    I’m so glad you have your immunology appt scheduled for your infusion and so you don’t run out of meds. You’re in my thoughts!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! I assume they do Clearblue because it’s the cheapest – I don’t know! It’s the standard test. I’m going to do it with the official Clearblue one tomorrow, but I might do a First Response one too, just to compare! πŸ™‚ x

      Liked by 1 person

  14. tidleone

    It’s looking really good. My fingers are crossed for you.

    If I ever get a sniff of a line I’m going to pee on one every single day just to be absolutely certain. I’ll be rooting for you but I’ll wish you a happy ‘official’ test day for tomorrow! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  15. ashleykyleanderson

    The hurdle thing… just to warn you, it doesn’t go away for a while! 😦 Not with a beta, not with the first ultrasound, not even with the second! It’s awful to deal with after the infertility & treatment because who deserves to celebrate more than we do?? But, for those of us who have been through so much, it’s scary to do so. I kept waiting every week to feel better. I’d think “I’ll feel better at 8 weeks when we have the next ultrasound” and then “9 weeks will make me feel so much better” and then “once we hit double digits it will be more real” and then “after we get out of the first trimester it will be easier..” You get the picture. I wasn’t prepared for this at all, and it was really hard on me and disappointing as it’s not how I imagined post-IVF “pregnancy.” I don’t say this to discourage you, just to prepare you that it does take a while. I started to wonder if I could ever really enjoy it, but I promise it DOES get easier.

    Elle felt Ross move at 14 weeks, which is super early and that did help. But I still didn’t buy the first thing until we had already passed the gender ultrasound and were somewhere around 18 weeks. Even then I had a hard time with it, but I think that’s more to do with the surrogacy because *I* wasn’t the one feeling him move; I had to rely on someone else to tell me what was going on with him so it felt like an even greater loss of control because it was all happening in someone else’s body.

    Love the cake! Still anxiously waiting for when you tell me you’re moving here and opening up a bakery! πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Yes, I can imagine it does feel like that! That’s the depressing thing! I think for me, just to get through 12 weeks would mean a heck of a lot because then you feel at least as if there is a lot less statistically to go wrong. But of course it can. I guess also 12 weeks is acknowledged as an actual potential pregnancy and people will talk about it, whereas you can’t really talk about it before then. (I know some folk do but not really in England that I know of!) Argh. I suppose we just have to take it one step at a time. It seems so interminably slow though! X

      Like

      • ashleykyleanderson

        It IS so interminably slow. I swear I felt like the pregnancy lasted more than a year sometimes, but it seems like those who get pregnant on their own are only pregnant for like 3 months!! They have all the luck!

        Liked by 1 person

  16. mintpea

    Looking good so far but I get the anxiety. I’m in the UK and got betas at my clinic though they also bring their own worries (obsessing about whether numbers are going up enough). I think you’re in London if so there are also independent places that do betas. Hoping it all goes well for you and congrats.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. EmilyMaine

    Oh hon I so know how you feel. I felt like I couldn’t breathe at the beginning of this pregnancy. It is one of the reasons I didn’t continue to HPT though. For me it made the anxiety greater and the time move more slowly. If it makes you feel any better I have had two chemicals and I never got a nice progression of darker tests like that. I am sure someone has mentioned too that your test line isn’t lighter, you test line is now darker than your control line! So this is a good thing πŸ™‚ Hang in there chickie. You can do this. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! I was only really planning on testing up to official test day (tomorrow) and then maybe I’ll start spacing them out a bit more! I don’t think it really is going to tell me much and you’re right, I’m sure it makes things more stressful than reassuring! Thank you for understanding! X

      Like

  18. Arwen

    I was the same, wondering whether to get betas, in the end I decided it would actually give me too much to stress over so I tried to just embrace every day. Every day I told myself ssil is still pregnant and I’m one day closer to having a baby (hopefully – I still had to caveat!)
    Keep breathing. I believe this is your rainbow xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. I haven’t gone and got betas but I will mention to Dr S clinic tomorrow and see whether they recommend anything. My understanding is if I make it through the NHS scan at 6ish weeks then they’ll give me another scan at 7-8 weeks. We shall see. Argh! Mind****! X

      Liked by 1 person

      • Arwen

        Yea I think betas more stressful than helpful. You’ve got some fantastic lines there and hopefully Dr s will give you additional scans to reassure Xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  19. silentmiscarriageloudthoughts

    That lighter line is a good thing! It’s called the hook effect, where your HcG is so high that it pulls dye from the control line. Your control line would keep getting lighter if you keep testing. To the extent that people who test later in pregnancy will sometimes only see the one line, and think they aren’t pregnant, but it is the pregnant line they are seeing and the control line has all but gone. Anyway, just wanted to quickly reassure you- now to read the rest of your post πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  20. silentmiscarriageloudthoughts

    You definitely aren’t nuts πŸ™‚ I’m one of the ones who can’t seem to have faith as well, and I think after having a miscarriage where you have seen a heartbeat doesn’t help that. My doctor tried to reassure me, reminding me how low the chance of miscarriage was after seeing the heartbeat, but I had seen the heartbeat with my first miscarried pregnancy so it really didn’t help. I think as you begin to pass NEW milestones, you’ll begin to feel more hopeful. That’s how it’s been for me anyway. In saying that I’m still a big ball of anxiety!
    P.S. Great cake!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. flatwhitetogo85

    Yay! I’m so pleased you’re still getting strong positives. I hope everything goes ok today! Make sure you have some other brands of pregnancy tests, as Clearblue can take a while to show a positive in comparison with other tests (I never had a problem, but my friend was 5 weeks pregnant before she got a positive on a Clearblue!).

    Well done for hosting the baby shower. I have to admit, although I would have “manned up” for my friend it would have absolutely killed me. You’re a better person than me πŸ™‚

    Enjoy your weekend and seeing your sister. Hope the appointment (and of course, OTD!) goes well x x x

    Like

  22. ourgreatestdesire

    Those tests are looking good! I hope you’re able to find peace as this pregnancy moves along. I know how scared I would be if I found out I was pregnant again after last time.

    Like

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