Sorry for the slight radio silence. (I read back through my blog a bit the other day and realise I do blether on a lot! So a few days silence is silence! 🙂
Truth be told, I’ve been trying like heckery to not think about this part. The extended two week wait until the first scan. I’ve been doing everything I can do to distract myself, but you’ll realise this was of limited success if you read to the bottom! Thank you for the comments on my last blog. I didn’t reply but I liked them… I just feel a bit emotionally fragile right now, so hopefully you understand. I’ve been trying like anything to not think about this pregnancy and what might happen/go wrong, but of course it is constantly on my mind.
First up news: My first (early pregnancy post IVF) scan is booked in for Thursday 2 June! I finally have a date. This coincides with a girls weekend where my old schoolfriends are coming to London to visit. I’ll be seeing them Friday until Sunday. It is maybe not so weird for me (as you can guess maybe, I’m the sort of person who stays in touch with all of them individually) but the four of us haven’t been together in one place for, like, ever. Possibly since school. There are five of us really although my BFF lives overseas and can’t make it, but I’m seeing her the following month, and I speak with her all the time, so it’s not so bad.
Anyway in terms of timings this means I have a lot to knock off in a few weeks. We are still trying to complete on our house purchase but it seems to be going nowhere fast. This is frustrating but T is phlegmatic about it and is sort of “It’ll happen when it happens”, which of course is true and something that my dad might say. (My dad is always extremely validated that I picked someone who has a lot of the same attitudes towards life as he does. His favourite sayings are “There’s no point worrying about things you can’t change”; “There’s one thing that is certain in life, that things will change”, and “Put the maximum amount you can in your pension”. I sh*t you not. When he found out T had made me pay off all my debts and hang up my profligate spender card, as well as put the maximum in my pension, he was overjoyed and validated. Just imagine if I actually manage to have a baby with this man! T – not my dad. Obvs.)
I am due to start my new job the week after seeing my schoolfriends. It would be awesome if we could move house before then, but it seems quite unlikely given things are just dragging on. (Solicitors disagreeing with each other over who’s sent what. Ugh.) Anyway, as my dad/T would say “There’s no point…” Etc.
I’ve been trying not to think about the first scan, but of course it’s all I can think about.
The nurse who called up was so nice, asked how I was doing, and when I said I was worried said “I’ll pray for you”. I almost cried. I mean, I’m not religious at all (I like the idea, I really do; I just can’t believe, despite or possibly because of having gone to a lot of churches in my time) but it was a nice thing to say. She said “You must believe it will be different this time” and I thought, that’s so illogical. Why would it be different? I lot of things are the same! I’m still the same defective infertile person. Anyway, I’m trying. Which partly means distracting myself. Heavily.
Here are some pictures to show what I’ve been up to.
This was the present that I got for the girl at work whose mini baby shower I did last week. It was so cute I had to get it for someone! Bloomers! I totally would wish for a boy (because I feel like it’s hard being a girl!) but stuff like this reminds me that girls are pretty cool too. Haha. (Honestly this is stupid; I’d be grateful for a child of any gender.) It’s the last week for my work friend before mat leave so we are mainly on wind down and enjoying gossiping about annoying people at work. (Blessedly, the Blimp hasn’t been in for a while, possibly because she has morphed into Jabba the Hutt.) Also, someone else at work announced her pregnancy. I have actually taken it all pretty well. Maybe this is because I’m sort of hopeful, but then again I’m used to everyone else being pregnant apart from me. I end up doing the baby talk with everyone and recommending buggies and whatnot. Anyway she had her Skype baby shower and it went really well, and her mum (mom!) posted a nice message saying thank you for doing this baby shower for my daughter, so it felt quite nice really.
I don’t know if this is a pregnancy craving or a greed craving. For some reason I have found myself craving hash browns. Something about them being salty and crunchy. Also McDonalds fries (which I don’t usually like that much – I’m not big on “chips” as we call them in the UK). I’ve definitely had some random food cravings but I can’t tell whether it’s wishful thinking or whether it’s actual pregnancy craving. I think it’s probably just knowing that I have an “excuse” to eat junk food. Although my other craving (or food desire) has been fruit, and less chocolate than normal and less of the other stuff I usually like, so I really can’t tell. I find I feel a bit sick in the mornings but not morning sickness or anything, more that I feel super hungry. I don’t know if this is just because I’ve been greedy lately. Either way it’s a bit odd as I never usually eat breakfast apart from at the weekend. But maybe it’s just all the drugs. Symptom wise I feel like I have fewer, other than the humungaboobs which I can’t really attribute to pregnancy as I think they’re also caused by the drugs and progesterone. It’s hard to tell and it’s sort of driving me crazy. (More on that later.)
I felt a bit better the other day as I organised all my remaining meds into this tin. At the moment our house is sort of in disarray because we have started packing things up, so there aren’t many spare surfaces. This is actually sitting on top of our freezer! Ha. It made me feel a bit more organised. This includes: Vitamin D, Omega 3, baby aspirin, prednisolone, Pregnacare, Omeprazole (plus some old folic acid). It doesn’t include the Fragmin (heparin) injections and the Crinone (progesterone) which are in the bathroom. I think I have just about remembered what I need to take when!
Then I got to thinking of things (read: fantasising about things) that I will get if it turns out all to be going badly and I’m going to have a miscarriage, or I’m not pregnant or something horrendous like that.
I don’t think that other people (apart from infertility bloggers) truly grasp the horror and fear that is associated with this stage. Yes, I’m pleased that we got to the positive pregnancy test. But we got that far before. We also got to the 6-7 week ultrasound and saw a heartbeat. So I know that things can still go wrong then. I feel so scared about this, and I also feel like I can’t enjoy anything about the pregnancy (because maybe it isn’t a pregnancy) and I am scared of having another miscarriage, because it hurt so much physically and emotionally. Also I’ll have started my new job so I know I won’t be able to wallow for two-three weeks like I did last time. I’ll have to go into work, bleeding, cramping, passing clots and baby. So maybe it sounds melodramatic but if you haven’t been through it I don’t think you can understand how close that fear feels.
One of the things I’ve been saying to myself is that I’ll treat myself to things I’ve had my eye on for a bit, if the worst happens. This is of course not at all any kind of consolation, because I know I’ll be inconsolable. But it gives me something to do, to window shop in the meantime. (This wait is torture.)
Here’s one thing on my wish list. A lamp! Although I would prefer it for a child’s nursery. Here’s hoping I have a chance to buy it one day.
These boots came up on my social media feed and I love them. They’re stupidly expensive handmade ones though – I usually only spend about £15-30 on shoes (I’m an utter cheapskate) so at €200 (about £155) they are outside what I usually pay. But they’re so cool! I also think it’s a bit foolhardy to order boots from Spain in case they don’t fit. But hey, if I am feeling terrible about my body in miscarriage-recovery like I did last year then at least shoes are sympathetic where clothes aren’t. I have had such difficulty finding clothes to wear as my boobs have swollen up and so has my stomach. I’m hoping that this all becomes worth it and I can move into unashamed pregnancy mode rather than having to try and lose weight afterwards. I think especially during this time it’s important to try and salvage a bit of self-respect and feel a bit attractive. This is hugely challenging for me right now as I’m double my usual size. (Well not double, slight exaggeration but I’m about 20kg above where I want to be. 10 for definite.) So I have tried to buy things that I can wear and feel a bit less like my chest and stomach are being compressed. These beauties are on the list!
This ring is from Arosha jewellery and I have wanted it for, like, ever. I love it. I have a thing for rose gold and I love pink and blue together. He does a lot of rings that look like they are from the sea. I think this is amazing. Although possibly OTT for everyday wear, but hey! Why not?! I don’t wear a lot of jewellery but I love the look of this one. It is a definite commiseration present to myself if everything goes bad!
What else have I been up to?
I also got my first ever “stranger” cake order yesterday! Which is nuts. It’s usually for friends or friends of friends so I know they’ll actually honour the order.
She called me up yesterday pm and said, “Could you do me 18 rainbow themed cupcakes for tomorrow?”
I’ve been on wind down at work (I finish beginning of June) so thought what the heck, I’ll do it. Took me all evening (I was going slowly) and I decided to do 3 different types, and this was the result! It was quite funny as I did it all on trust, like I didn’t take a deposit or anything. She came all the way from somewhere that was at least 1.5hrs drive away! I did say to her “Are you sure you don’t want to go somewhere closer?” But she said she wanted to get some from me!!! Which was nice to hear.
Then she turned up this morning and I was like, phew, although my coworkers would happily have eaten all the cakes. Then she didn’t have change so I had to go and get some change from inside my flat, and she said “Do you want to take this money whilst you go and get it?” And I was like, “No, if you drive off, you drive off…” I came back and couldn’t see her and thought, wow! But then she appeared again as she’d popped to the nearby shop in case I couldn’t find change! It was all quite funny but did give me a sense of satisfaction that I had managed to take an idea, make up an order and all with just a few hours notice. (For the record, she seemed very pleased!)
One of the other things that’s happened in England this week is THE RAIN. OMG. It turned into Noah’s Ark weather even though we’ve had summer lately. (I know, you guys overseas will laugh your heads off at this as it’s not hot at all for you… 20-something C.) So I decided to cheer myself up and get a nice new umbrella. (I know, I really know how to live, right?) My existing umbrella is a bit knackered and broken and annoying so I wanted a proper sprung one that is automatic and actually deflects the rain.
Here it is! Almost worth the rain for sheer cheery-uppy points!
IVF WAITING LIKE FOREVER EXTENDED TWO WEEK WAIT UPDATE
Reader, I cracked. Seriously, I’m going a bit mental here. I know it sounds like I’m a total Negative Nelly but I just can’t imagine waiting another two weeks from here until the first scan. I know realistically we can’t see anything until 6 and a bit, but I guess I’m the sort of person who wants to know.
So… I went and got a beta (blood test HCG) at a private clinic. Seeing as I’m on work slowdown it means I can pop out as it’s not far from the office and it was all really quick. The place I went to was here, which has an awful pink website but is really nice when you get there. I was literally in and out. You pay upfront (before you go). I spoke with a nice woman on the phone and she said I could just do the two tests roughly 48hrs apart and see what the numbers say.
Now I know that betas have a huge range. But we don’t do them at my clinic, so I feel like I need some sort of indication that it’s progressing… Or not… Before the scan at 7 weeks. Like I just can’t imagine waiting another TWO WEEKS to find out whether it’s going the same way as last time or not. I’m soooo scared even to think that it might work out, and I feel like at least if the betas say something then I can prepare myself if it’s bad.
I texted T and told him, and I think he was quite interested. A lot of the worrying I’m doing right now, he’s sympathetic to but he feels we need to be positive. I just don’t feel positive right now and I want some sort of reassurance if it’s going the right way… Or to be able to prepare myself for the worst. I looked up the ranges online and they are really far apart but I think the important thing is to understand that the HCG levels should roughly double every 48hrs. So the second test is Friday morning (ideally before 11am as then they can get your results back the same day) so that means hopefully I should know by Friday pm whether betas look promising or not.
T did make me think when he asked whether the news would be interpreted or broken to me by a sympathetic doctor – this isn’t the case! It gets emailed to you. On the website it says “Beta HCG levels are clearly shown and we will clearly comment on the likely meaning of the result.” So I think maybe I will work from home (in inverted commas) on Friday…
Wish us luck!