IVF 2: In the meantime

Sorry for the slight radio silence. (I read back through my blog a bit the other day and realise I do blether on a lot! So a few days silence is silence! 🙂

Truth be told, I’ve been trying like heckery to not think about this part. The extended two week wait until the first scan. I’ve been doing everything I can do to distract myself, but you’ll realise this was of limited success if you read to the bottom! Thank you for the comments on my last blog. I didn’t reply but I liked them… I just feel a bit emotionally fragile right now, so hopefully you understand. I’ve been trying like anything to not think about this pregnancy and what might happen/go wrong, but of course it is constantly on my mind.

First up news: My first (early pregnancy post IVF) scan is booked in for Thursday 2 June! I finally have a date. This coincides with a girls weekend where my old schoolfriends are coming to London to visit. I’ll be seeing them Friday until Sunday. It is maybe not so weird for me (as you can guess maybe, I’m the sort of person who stays in touch with all of them individually) but the four of us haven’t been together in one place for, like, ever. Possibly since school. There are five of us really although my BFF lives overseas and can’t make it, but I’m seeing her the following month, and I speak with her all the time, so it’s not so bad.

Anyway in terms of timings this means I have a lot to knock off in a few weeks. We are still trying to complete on our house purchase but it seems to be going nowhere fast. This is frustrating but T is phlegmatic about it and is sort of “It’ll happen when it happens”, which of course is true and something that my dad might say. (My dad is always extremely validated that I picked someone who has a lot of the same attitudes towards life as he does. His favourite sayings are “There’s no point worrying about things you can’t change”; “There’s one thing that is certain in life, that things will change”, and “Put the maximum amount you can in your pension”. I sh*t you not. When he found out T had made me pay off all my debts and hang up my profligate spender card, as well as put the maximum in my pension, he was overjoyed and validated. Just imagine if I actually manage to have a baby with this man! T – not my dad. Obvs.)

I am due to start my new job the week after seeing my schoolfriends. It would be awesome if we could move house before then, but it seems quite unlikely given things are just dragging on. (Solicitors disagreeing with each other over who’s sent what. Ugh.) Anyway, as my dad/T would say “There’s no point…” Etc.

I’ve been trying not to think about the first scan, but of course it’s all I can think about.

The nurse who called up was so nice, asked how I was doing, and when I said I was worried said “I’ll pray for you”. I almost cried. I mean, I’m not religious at all (I like the idea, I really do; I just can’t believe, despite or possibly because of having gone to a lot of churches in my time) but it was a nice thing to say. She said “You must believe it will be different this time” and I thought, that’s so illogical. Why would it be different? I lot of things are the same! I’m still the same defective infertile person. Anyway, I’m trying. Which partly means distracting myself. Heavily.

Here are some pictures to show what I’ve been up to.

This was the present that I got for the girl at work whose mini baby shower I did last week. It was so cute I had to get it for someone! Bloomers! I totally would wish for a boy (because I feel like it’s hard being a girl!) but stuff like this reminds me that girls are pretty cool too. Haha. (Honestly this is stupid; I’d be grateful for a child of any gender.) It’s the last week for my work friend before mat leave so we are mainly on wind down and enjoying gossiping about annoying people at work. (Blessedly, the Blimp hasn’t been in for a while, possibly because she has morphed into Jabba the Hutt.) Also, someone else at work announced her pregnancy. I have actually taken it all pretty well. Maybe this is because I’m sort of hopeful, but then again I’m used to everyone else being pregnant apart from me. I end up doing the baby talk with everyone and recommending buggies and whatnot. Anyway she had her Skype baby shower and it went really well, and her mum (mom!) posted a nice message saying thank you for doing this baby shower for my daughter, so it felt quite nice really.

I don’t know if this is a pregnancy craving or a greed craving. For some reason I have found myself craving hash browns. Something about them being salty and crunchy. Also McDonalds fries (which I don’t usually like that much – I’m not big on “chips” as we call them in the UK). I’ve definitely had some random food cravings but I can’t tell whether it’s wishful thinking or whether it’s actual pregnancy craving. I think it’s probably just knowing that I have an “excuse” to eat junk food. Although my other craving (or food desire) has been fruit, and less chocolate than normal and less of the other stuff I usually like, so I really can’t tell. I find I feel a bit sick in the mornings but not morning sickness or anything, more that I feel super hungry. I don’t know if this is just because I’ve been greedy lately. Either way it’s a bit odd as I never usually eat breakfast apart from at the weekend. But maybe it’s just all the drugs. Symptom wise I feel like I have fewer, other than the humungaboobs which I can’t really attribute to pregnancy as I think they’re also caused by the drugs and progesterone. It’s hard to tell and it’s sort of driving me crazy. (More on that later.)

I felt a bit better the other day as I organised all my remaining meds into this tin. At the moment our house is sort of in disarray because we have started packing things up, so there aren’t many spare surfaces. This is actually sitting on top of our freezer! Ha. It made me feel a bit more organised. This includes: Vitamin D, Omega 3, baby aspirin, prednisolone, Pregnacare, Omeprazole (plus some old folic acid). It doesn’t include the Fragmin (heparin) injections and the Crinone (progesterone) which are in the bathroom. I think I have just about remembered what I need to take when!

Then I got to thinking of things (read: fantasising about things) that I will get if it turns out all to be going badly and I’m going to have a miscarriage, or I’m not pregnant or something horrendous like that.

I don’t think that other people (apart from infertility bloggers) truly grasp the horror and fear that is associated with this stage. Yes, I’m pleased that we got to the positive pregnancy test. But we got that far before. We also got to the 6-7 week ultrasound and saw a heartbeat. So I know that things can still go wrong then. I feel so scared about this, and I also feel like I can’t enjoy anything about the pregnancy (because maybe it isn’t a pregnancy) and I am scared of having another miscarriage, because it hurt so much physically and emotionally. Also I’ll have started my new job so I know I won’t be able to wallow for two-three weeks like I did last time. I’ll have to go into work, bleeding, cramping, passing clots and baby. So maybe it sounds melodramatic but if you haven’t been through it I don’t think you can understand how close that fear feels.

One of the things I’ve been saying to myself is that I’ll treat myself to things I’ve had my eye on for a bit, if the worst happens. This is of course not at all any kind of consolation, because I know I’ll be inconsolable. But it gives me something to do, to window shop in the meantime. (This wait is torture.)

Here’s one thing on my wish list. A lamp! Although I would prefer it for a child’s nursery. Here’s hoping I have a chance to buy it one day.

These boots came up on my social media feed and I love them. They’re stupidly expensive handmade ones though – I usually only spend about £15-30 on shoes (I’m an utter cheapskate) so at €200 (about £155) they are outside what I usually pay. But they’re so cool! I also think it’s a bit foolhardy to order boots from Spain in case they don’t fit. But hey, if I am feeling terrible about my body in miscarriage-recovery like I did last year then at least shoes are sympathetic where clothes aren’t. I have had such difficulty finding clothes to wear as my boobs have swollen up and so has my stomach. I’m hoping that this all becomes worth it and I can move into unashamed pregnancy mode rather than having to try and lose weight afterwards. I think especially during this time it’s important to try and salvage a bit of self-respect and feel a bit attractive. This is hugely challenging for me right now as I’m double my usual size. (Well not double, slight exaggeration but I’m about 20kg above where I want to be. 10 for definite.) So I have tried to buy things that I can wear and feel a bit less like my chest and stomach are being compressed. These beauties are on the list!

This ring is from Arosha jewellery and I have wanted it for, like, ever. I love it. I have a thing for rose gold and I love pink and blue together. He does a lot of rings that look like they are from the sea. I think this is amazing. Although possibly OTT for everyday wear, but hey! Why not?! I don’t wear a lot of jewellery but I love the look of this one. It is a definite commiseration present to myself if everything goes bad!

What else have I been up to?

I also got my first ever “stranger” cake order yesterday! Which is nuts. It’s usually for friends or friends of friends so I know they’ll actually honour the order. 

She called me up yesterday pm and said, “Could you do me 18 rainbow themed cupcakes for tomorrow?” 

I’ve been on wind down at work (I finish beginning of June) so thought what the heck, I’ll do it. Took me all evening (I was going slowly) and I decided to do 3 different types, and this was the result! It was quite funny as I did it all on trust, like I didn’t take a deposit or anything. She came all the way from somewhere that was at least 1.5hrs drive away! I did say to her “Are you sure you don’t want to go somewhere closer?” But she said she wanted to get some from me!!! Which was nice to hear. 

Then she turned up this morning and I was like, phew, although my coworkers would happily have eaten all the cakes. Then she didn’t have change so I had to go and get some change from inside my flat, and she said “Do you want to take this money whilst you go and get it?” And I was like, “No, if you drive off, you drive off…” I came back and couldn’t see her and thought, wow! But then she appeared again as she’d popped to the nearby shop in case I couldn’t find change! It was all quite funny but did give me a sense of satisfaction that I had managed to take an idea, make up an order and all with just a few hours notice. (For the record, she seemed very pleased!)

One of the other things that’s happened in England this week is THE RAIN. OMG. It turned into Noah’s Ark weather even though we’ve had summer lately. (I know, you guys overseas will laugh your heads off at this as it’s not hot at all for you… 20-something C.) So I decided to cheer myself up and get a nice new umbrella. (I know, I really know how to live, right?) My existing umbrella is a bit knackered and broken and annoying so I wanted a proper sprung one that is automatic and actually deflects the rain. 

Here it is! Almost worth the rain for sheer cheery-uppy points!

 

IVF WAITING LIKE FOREVER EXTENDED TWO WEEK WAIT UPDATE

Reader, I cracked. Seriously, I’m going a bit mental here. I know it sounds like I’m a total Negative Nelly but I just can’t imagine waiting another two weeks from here until the first scan. I know realistically we can’t see anything until 6 and a bit, but I guess I’m the sort of person who wants to know.

So… I went and got a beta (blood test HCG) at a private clinic. Seeing as I’m on work slowdown it means I can pop out as it’s not far from the office and it was all really quick. The place I went to was here, which has an awful pink website but is really nice when you get there. I was literally in and out. You pay upfront (before you go). I spoke with a nice woman on the phone and she said I could just do the two tests roughly 48hrs apart and see what the numbers say.

Now I know that betas have a huge range. But we don’t do them at my clinic, so I feel like I need some sort of indication that it’s progressing… Or not… Before the scan at 7 weeks. Like I just can’t imagine waiting another TWO WEEKS to find out whether it’s going the same way as last time or not. I’m soooo scared even to think that it might work out, and I feel like at least if the betas say something then I can prepare myself if it’s bad.

I texted T and told him, and I think he was quite interested. A lot of the worrying I’m doing right now, he’s sympathetic to but he feels we need to be positive. I just don’t feel positive right now and I want some sort of reassurance if it’s going the right way… Or to be able to prepare myself for the worst. I looked up the ranges online and they are really far apart but I think the important thing is to understand that the HCG levels should roughly double every 48hrs. So the second test is Friday morning (ideally before 11am as then they can get your results back the same day) so that means hopefully I should know by Friday pm whether betas look promising or not.

T did make me think when he asked whether the news would be interpreted or broken to me by a sympathetic doctor – this isn’t the case! It gets emailed to you. On the website it says “Beta HCG levels are clearly shown and we will clearly comment on the likely meaning of the result.” So I think maybe I will work from home (in inverted commas) on Friday…

Wish us luck!

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55 comments

  1. My Perfect Breakdown

    So many things! First I love the shoes and the lamp! Oh and the umbrella is so cute!
    Second, I hate that you are stuck in almost the worst kind of wait right now, I think the beta testing might be helpful so I’m glad you’ve booked it. (I still find it so strange that they aren’t done in the UK as they are so routine here). I find myself thinking about you every single day and just hoping with everything in me that this baby sticks around for 9ish more months!
    Also, I’m so excited for you to start your new job. I refuse to think about the possibility of new job and miscarriage at the same time because that will just be a cruel twist of fate. So I’m going to hold onto hope that you just end up having to tell them at some point that your pregnant. 😊
    Oh and those cupcakes looks delicious! I am so impressed at your cake/cupcake skills! Honestly when I come visit you one day (and I fully intend to) I will have to order one epic cupcake for me and one for Baby MPB and Mr. MPB too! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks! I know, it just seems like it’s such a long wait and I am frightened that it will be bad news at the end of it. But that seems like an overly melodramatic way to be!
      I’ve been trying to distract myself with nice things! It’s lovely to think that you are thinking of me… That’s so sweet! I’m glad you like my wish list too, haha. I am definitely going to have to get at least one thing – maybe the cheapest thing, haha.
      I made some more cupcakes for today as I had leftover frosting so my coworkers are really happy with me! 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. mamajo23

    So many thoughts after reading this. One- the only thing that ever made my boobs big is pregnancy- not even the drugs. Just an FYI. That is my truest symptom. Two- beta testing was smart. Look forward to your good news Friday. Three- those shoes are AMAZING. Four- I feel so much hope for this pregnancy. I totally understand your feelings and not much can change them but do know that I feel just happiness for you. Five- it is a good thing that you are starting a new job and have friends come to town and are moving. I think distractions are very good in this waiting phase. Sending all my best!!! Xo

    Liked by 3 people

    • Nara

      Oh you are such a sweetheart to say this, especially when you’re going through your own ****. Thank you.
      I am glad that you like the shoes! I did wonder if they’re a bit… Bling? But hey, it’s fun to be blingy every now and then!
      T asked me the other day when I thought I would start to feel better about the pregnancy. I said if we make it to 12 weeks I’ll feel better. But that doesn’t even seem like a reality right now. I hope I’m just overegging it and it will be fine… But I’m so worried it will end up the same way as last time. At least if we get the beta tomorrow then we will be able to see if it’s going up or not.
      Thank you for always being such a support! X

      Liked by 1 person

  3. theskyandback

    “Blessedly, the Blimp hasn’t been in for a while, possibly because she has morphed into Jabba the Hutt.” Lol. I hope so.

    Those cupcakes look great! How exciting to get a random order.

    And I’m glad you got a beta. Why not, right?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Haha. I know. I’m hoping this means I never have to see her again. Imagine if I actually have seen her for the last time and didn’t even realise? What fun! (What a b**** I am.)
      Yes it was super exciting to get the random order! I haven’t heard back from her, but T tasted one of the spares and he said he thought it was “the best cupcake you’ve ever made”! Ha!
      Yeah, beta 2 tomorrow so we’ll be able to see if it’s going up or not. X

      Like

  4. wonkygenes

    Hey!! I’ve not been on here for a few days either. Sorry that you are finding the wait tough. I’m sure I would after the chemical we had last time. I’m keeping everything crossed for you. LOVE the cupcakes! They are so cool! You’re doing the right thing by keeping busy. Sending all my love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you so much! Yes I’m going a touch mad but hopefully tomorrow’s beta will say something positive. I mean, I can’t imagine if it’s negative… But I suppose we’d have to deal with it. Ugh.
      I am trying to keep up hope, and also keep busy! Thank you for your support! Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. RJ

    Holy long post!!! You’re an impressive blogger! And baker!! I am obsessed with your rainbow cupcakes. They look fantastic!

    I’m glad you’re getting the beta tests. I find them really nice for peace of mind (and actually feeling like you’re doing something during the torturous wait between BFP and first US).

    Wishing you the best! I have so much hope for you and T!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ha! I told you I do blether on a lot! I am a very quick typist if that is any explanation… And it’s all a bit stream of consciousness! Also I am working my notice, which maybe explains some of the volume of posts, ha.
      Well the second beta is tomorrow so I’ll have to see what happens there.
      I made some more (slightly different) rainbow cupcakes for today, as I had leftover buttercream! My coworkers are super happy with me today! 🙂 x

      Like

  6. mum100blog

    You’ve captured so well what the waiting is like. I’ve only had a few days of it myself, but the spirals and loops and twists that my mind has gone through are unbelievable. I laughed out loud at your T/Dad comparison – so so funny!! I also identified so much with the attempts to distract yourself, then going and getting the tests done anyway – that is me all over, I just want to know the facts, if there’s a test out there, I want it!!! I’m not religious either, but I do pray – that’s not a TTC thing, it came before that. For me, praying is a way of detaching from fear/ego, which gives me glimpses of the peace and potential which is always available within. I totally understand why you have fears, given your experiences – so go easy on yourself for being human 🙂 I pray this is your time, Nara.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Thank you! It is such a strange mental gymnastics to go through I think. I was talking with T about it last night and he said he sort of understands but I suppose he doesn’t have it first hand like I do… Like, his life isn’t so much affected by the symptoms (and possible miscarriage) so it’s almost not that tangible to him right now. He is more excited than last time though which sort of worries me but then it’s nice someone is! I am getting the betas done near Bond St which is quite convenient for work. I’m hoping that at least if we get some positive news on that, I could relax a tiny bit! Thank you for your understanding and support! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • mum100blog

        I completely underestimated the two week wait, that’s for sure. I thought it was just a case of keeping occupied with things I love doing. Ha! Such a learning curve. It’s funny how the maternal instinct also plays out for others too – although it’s not looking great for us this time, I want this to be your time so much. It comes from the same place, that longing for your maternal fulfilment. I will look out for your test results. x

        Like

  7. AKL

    I’m seconding the comment on the boobs. Sure the drugs do have an impact but they only turn into bazongas if you’re pregnant. So I think you’re in the clear on that one! Did you do the first blood test yet? During my first (failed) pregnancy I also went mad for potatoes but it was winter so I think that had something to do with it. This (failed) time I didn’t have specific needs, but I did definitely get hungry faster. It wasn’t that I wanted anything in particular but it was a case of FEED ME NOW OR SUFFER THE PAIN OF MY HANGRY-NESS! That also disappeared practically immediately after my D&C.

    The next most noticeable symptom for me was the fatigue. Normally I got to bed around 11.30pm/12.00 but when preggers I was READY for sleep at 10pm. Sometimes earlier. Everyone is different but these are big markers.

    Anyway, the cupcakes look spectacular! Now I want to make an order, but that’s not so practical given I’m a couple of timezones from you. Wishing you all the best for the tests and the scan!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Yes, I definitely get HANGRY! Haha. I think I notice it the most in the morning when I wake up. Usually I don’t feel hungry until the afternoon and I don’t have breakfast. But I can’t tell if it’s just because I’ve been pigging out more than usual. My boobs are gigantic, but then they were gigantic last time… It’s not that I don’t think I’m pregnant, as I’ve done lots of tests… It’s just that I am scared it will end in miscarriage like last time. I had the big boobs last time but they went down again after the miscarriage. Not much fun.

      Oh I would be happy to make you rainbow cupcakes but they wouldn’t travel well! Ha! They are very tall! They’d be a mushy mess by the time they got to you! I’ve been trying to work out a good way to send them, but haven’t come up with a solution yet – when I do you’ll be the first to know!

      Like

      • AKL

        Well that’s two different points you make. The boobs of course go away after miscarriage (mine are not down yet but they don’t hurt anymore at least) but there’s no reason why you should have the same thing happen to you twice. I’m a very poor example but I don’t think you will suffer the same fate as me. Thanks for the offer of the cupcakes but honestly I live in a beach country and I’m pudgy from this failed situation so I’ll skip the cupcakes until I can go back to wearing jeans later in the year 😎

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        Haha! Yes I don’t really like eating cupcakes so much as making them! I find them more satisfying to make than eat. I’m more of a savoury person for snacking!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Oh and I have had the tiredness too, but I think that is maybe because I’m not sleeping well because of the worrying! And the heat! Not sure. But yes, I went to bed at 21:30 the other night which is CRAZY for me because I’m usually a midnight bedtime or later!

      Like

      • AKL

        Maybe yeah. One of my fav symptoms from pregnancy is being able to sleep heavily. Normally I’m a light sleeper so it’s always a strange transition. Maybe you will get into that more once you get your blood test results.

        Like

  8. valleyally

    I hate that your stuck in this limbo stage with fear circling you. I want nothing but for us all to get those BFPs and breeze thru the pregnancy. I know it is so much harder than that though!

    My therapist told me to remind myself during my 2ww that “what will be will be”. It isn’t consolatory at all, but I do find it calming and reminds your to stay present with today. All the best to you while you wait! I am sending prayers for you too (and I am not overly religious either). Take care X

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Thank you so much. I agree, there’s nothing we can do worrying-wise to change the outcome (if only we could – I would have ten babies by now!). I think that’s the thing that messes with my head – that I can’t do anything to change it but I don’t find out for ages whether anything’s going to happen. It’s just such an unfun time. At least when you are going through IVF you can sort of feel hopeful that it might work… Anyway, here’s hoping for some positive betas tomorrow! Thank you for understanding! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. circumstance227

    Thinking about you.
    We arrive two days before your scan – if you are going crazy, come to the youth hostel on Bolsover Street on May 31st or June 1st (evening) and meet 12 kids who are guaranteed even crazier.
    Get the shoes.
    Definitely DON’T get the lamp. It will scare your child.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ha! I love the lamp! If we ever have a child, we have a dog who will be big fur-brother so I don’t think the child will be scared of dogs! (Dog is the stupidest dog ever… You couldn’t be scared of him!)
      I have your dates in the diary so will see what is happening and whether I feel up to it!!

      Like

  10. EmilyMaine

    Good luck for the betas. I think it is totally fair enough for you to seek that out. Pregnancy after miscarriage is nothing but traumatic in the beginning. Those cupcakes look incredible! You are so talented! Where did that lady find your details? Have you advertised somewhere? I like it when others offer to pray for me too. Although I’m not at all religious I find it very touching that someone would take the time to think of little old me in their private moment with God. That’s pretty spesh. Anyway hang in there, girl. You are doing well xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! The lady found me online – I have a website and am on social media with quite a few followers but I never really get people actually wanting to make an order. I worked out she drove a minimum of 1.5hrs to get them too, which is nuts! I did tell her on the phone we’re not very close by so maybe she would want to get them from somewhere closer, but she insisted! Ha. Was a nice feeling. I also made some cupcakes for today for my coworkers as I had leftover buttercream so they are super happy with me!
      Glad I’m not the only non-religious one who likes to be prayed for! I think it’s just nice that someone would care that much to pray for me. And I need all the luck I can get in this department! We shall see tomorrow morning when I get beta 2, we should get the results tomorrow pm (hopefully) so that would be something. X

      Like

  11. stealingnectar

    I really loved this post! The umbrella, the cupcakes, the cravings! By the way, I have had almost identical cravings so I think you can call them pregnancy! 😉 I also understand the fear of miscarriage so well; at 31.5 weeks, I am still eager for kicks when I get anxious and, luckily, get validated by then pretty quickly. I can’t wait until you are at this stage. Keep the hope! It looks like it does happen! Well, at least I am starting to believe it will! Big hugs! PS: you are so talented in so many ways – love your style!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ah you are too sweet. I am glad that you’ve validated my shopping choices, haha. T would probably kill me if I came home with any of those, as he sometimes finds my tastes a bit outlandish! Haha. I think maybe I could get away with the boots though… They are rose gold metallic! So cool! I wonder if they would be sweaty? (I have glamorous thoughts like these.)
      I am so happy for you that you’re almost at 32! That’s definite viability right there! And so great you have kicks! You are the glammest pregnant friend I know! So nice to know that good things are happening for you. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • stealingnectar

        You are the sweetest. And your glamorous thoughts about being sweaty…ha! I totally understand. I am the sweatiness person I know! I have thoughts like that too. I do feel so incredibly lucky to be at this point finally. Really, just a few more weeks is all! Expecting great things for you too! Can’t wait!

        Like

  12. Amy M.

    So many things I thought of to say as I was reading, hope I remember them all!!!
    I’ve told you before I understand completely how you feel, because I’ve been in your shoes. But it IS different this time!! You are seeing Dr.S and have all sorts of different drugs and meds and treatments and stuff. That will hopefully make all the difference in the world. As for your food differences…I never used to be able to eat breakfast. Food early in the morning tends to make me feel nauseous (I’ve been told that is normal for people with Hypoglycemia, which I have) but since I’ve been pregnant I wake up absolutely STARVING! I do hope that your beta tests go well!! One thing that I didn’t realize…it doesn’t have to exactly double for it to be good! It depends on where you’re starting. Once it gets over a certain level, it doubles a bit more slowly. But the clinic should be able to tell you based on how far along you are and what the numbers are whether it is a good rate.
    How did the woman with the rainbow cupcakes find you? They’re beautiful!! I wish we lived near each other, I would hire you to make a cake for our shower later this year!! You do amazing work! I think all the things on your wish list are awesome. I love that ring!! Hopefully you won’t need to buy those things though, unless they are for celebration, not consolation!! Still sending positive thoughts and good vibes! *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks so much! Yeah, I know you know exactly how I’m feeling! It’s such a mind**** which I really hope will be over soon. T asked me last night when I would stop worrying (“Are you just going to move onto the next thing?”) and I said I think if we ever got to 12 weeks I would feel less worried. Like I know that things can happen after 12 weeks but that is the time when you announce it to people and you can actually talk about it, and there’s much less chance it will go wrong. So I think I would worry, but not as much. Still, I’m sure if you have had loss, you always worry. Argh!

      The lady found me online – I have some followers on social media but they don’t usually ask me to make cakes – they just like the pictures. It’s a shame we aren’t close as I would love to do cakes for your baby shower!!! What a pain! You’ll have to tell me what you’re having and I can imagine what I would do!

      Glad you like the wish list. It’s a little way of trying to get through it. I’m hoping that the betas tomorrow tell us something. They said that they will give an indication of whether they think the betas mean the pregnancy is progressing or not. So we shall see. T and I decided we will go on date night tomorrow eve and try and take our minds off it. Xx

      Like

  13. 30yr old nothing

    I’m really glad you did the beta. I just checked my calendar and it’s borderline inhumane to make you wait until the 2nd for a scan. To hell with that.
    The cupcakes look amazing as always! You’re a magician :). I can’t wait to hear the awesome results!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      I know! It’s two and a half weeks really! Like 2 weeks from today… And this week has gone so slowly already! Apparently the HCG can be anything from 18-4000+ this week (5) so that is a really wide range! Main thing is to hope it’s going up rather than down!
      Glad you like the cupcakes! It was fun making them although I do think my taste is a little outlandish! Ha!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Surviving Infertility

    The salty things you are hungry for as the same as me! Actually many things seem similar between us, Im not really sick, just hungry and my boobs are swollen but who knows if its from pregnancy or progesterone! Ugh.
    I love the nursery dog lamp and I totally hope u get to put it to use soon XX

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! I did wonder about the salty potato thing, like I’ve actually wanted fries which I don’t like usually. But I really can’t tell if it’s just me being emotional or an actual physical craving. The hunger is so strong in the mornings though, it almost makes me feel sick! And poor you, you’ve been in the wars. I hope you are feeling lots better. Sending you hugs! Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  15. RC

    Those cupcakes look amazing! You’re very talented.
    Good call on getting the betas. There’s nothing wrong with seeking some extra reassurance. My clinic here in Melbourne just does the single beta, but I know lots do the serial betas like you’re getting. I look forward to reading some wonderful news on Friday.
    I don’t blame you for looking for extra reassurance, pg after mc is definitely not a relaxed time, especially in the first trimester. Hang in there x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. I think I am a bit crazy over here, which is funny because I like to think of myself as quite level headed (although I think many of my friends would say otherwise!). I am usually “What will be will be” but it seems so hard right now to say that. I paid for a double beta test but you can just get one (to say if you’re pregnant). I mean I know I am/was pregnant so I just need to understand if it’s increasing the way it’s supposed to. I hope that it provides some reassurance and isn’t decreasing… X

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Jein

    Nice to read you keeping busy with all sorts of things! And those cupcakes… Delicious and beautiful looking!! I really enjoy seeing your wonderful baked creations! As for the other things you wrote – bring back memories from last year this time… For me the symptom that was different to the other rounds of TWWs was my need to pee. Early on I had to get up during the night couple of times, and was wondering what the heck is going on… Apparently, hcg is to blame. But everyone is different, of course. It is good to keep busy, and trying to distract yourself even though it is really difficult not to think and worry in the early pregnancy. I wish I had started to practise mindfulness already in that early period, because later on, last autumn when I started it, it really was something that worked for me. Brought me to the moment, and helped me not to worry too much (I’m a major worrier).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks! I do have to go to the bathroom a lot… But I needed to do that before. I usually go a couple of times overnight and I think apart from the first week or so, it hasn’t changed that much – I still go at least twice a night! I think I have the bladder of a hamster!
      Hmmm I will hopefully be able to give an update tomorrow pm if they get the beta results back to me by then…!

      Like

  17. Maternally Optimistic

    Those cupcakes look amazing!!! You have such a talent!
    Those boots and ring are both beautiful! I would definitely treat yourself to one of them seeing as clothes are going to be a pain no matter what!
    I hope the beta testing helps you to relax even just a little bit. I haven’t had any morning sickness but the nausea when I am hungry is so bad. I feel it in the morning before breakfast and it comes back again around 4pm when I have to have a snack to keep my bloody sugars up. Maybe I am just looking for an excuse to have some chocolate before dinner but whatever, it helps lol

    Liked by 1 person

  18. thegriefdiariesblog

    Well done on the cupcakes! Such a great job!
    I’m glad you managed to find some good distractions. And if getting the HCGs done helps get you through, I say do it. The waiting is so hard and incomprehensible if you haven’t gone through it before, and it’s so hard to be positive sometimes. I am also praying for you and your little bub. No matter what happens those prayers will still be there. Hang in there love!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. mum100blog

    Re-reading the series now – so helpful. I remember reading this one at the time and it is sooooo useful to come back to it now. I can totally relate to your feelings in the extended two week wait. Sometimes I’m fine, but other times I feel like I need to check into some sort of intensive care unit, to be monitored 24/7! Today is a bit like that – I’m thinking my symptoms have dropped off – but thankfully it isn’t too long until the scan.

    Like

    • Nara

      Oh I’m really glad! I hunted down blogs from people who’d been through the same thing when I was going through my previous cycle. And they never tell you about the extended two week wait! Ha! It’s a killer! I was going nuts!

      Re symptoms, I really didn’t have any. So try not to worry about that. (Easier said than done.) I think it’s hard if you’re on meds to distinguish between symptoms and side effects. But I would say even for a natural pregnancy everyone is different. I found a wide range when I started googling!

      I would try and distract yourself with a really good book or film or box set! Series are ideal (box sets or on demand) as you can binge watch them and before you know it, it’s time for bed! x

      Liked by 1 person

      • mum100blog

        Definitely – distractions all the way! It has to be. We’re doing one final ClearBlue test tomorrow with the weeks indicator, so hopefully that can chill me out for a few days. Fireworks on Saturday and catching up with friends. I definitely need a plan for next week – I’m off to Google box set recommendations!! xxxxxx

        Like

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