Well, not much to report here. Still waiting until our first scan, where we will find out (possibly) if this pregnancy is viable or not. Although obviously the main goal is to get to 12 weeks and then full term, this is just one of the many hurdles we have to jump in order to get a bit closer to that goal.
It’s hard. It’s really hard being bloated and fat and my face swollen up (from added weight and also from the steroids) and with humungaboobs and generally not being able to fit into most of my clothes. It’s even harder to think that this might be all for nothing, as it was around this time last year when our first IVF cycle ended in miscarriage. I’m sort of making a lot of excuses to not do things (like drinking and socialising) and I feel like I want to know one way or another. If it’s all bad then at least I can hop right on the crash diet bandwagon.
Our scan is on Thursday. This coincides inconveniently (!) with my penultimate day at work, and I’ve promised people lots of cake (home made) on both the Thursday and the Friday, so I have to go in even if we get the worst news. I guess if that happens I can at least have some farewell drinks. I had sort of not planned any and said I’d do cakes instead, so everyone just thinks I’m being antisocial rather than pregnant.
It seems like we are just waiting… And waiting… And I know this won’t be the end of the waiting. I suppose I’m seeing the scan this week as some kind of confirmation that we are not immediately about to miscarry. I know enough from going over last year’s scans in my head what would be a good outcome and what would be a bad outcome. Last year we didn’t know so when they said, “There’s a heartbeat!”, we took that to be good news rather than realising that them asking for a second scan a week later was bad news. So basically unless we get the all clear this time (and we will actually be more at the timing of the second scan for the first one this time round, 7 weeks 1 day) then I will assume it’s bad news.
I can’t even describe how bad I’m feeling about my body right now. I can barely look at myself and I actually avert my eyes when getting out of the shower so I don’t catch a glimpse of myself. I seem to have developed fat in places I didn’t even know I could be fat. Anyway, I guess if it actually ends up in pregnancy then I can accept it, but it’s pretty hard to deal with right now. I’ve had to go and buy other clothes but it is wrecking my self-esteem right now.
In terms of symptoms, I can’t tell what is symptom and what is meds. A few things I’ve noticed (other than humungaboobs and general bloat) – I have definitely got some kind of strange reactions to food, not cravings exactly but I do feel like I am more bothered about what I do and don’t want to eat. Maybe that’s psychological. I am also feeling nauseous when I’m hungry, but maybe that’s just greed. And secondly my sense of smell seems worse (I mean better) than normal, in that I’m more bothered by bad smells. I had to make T move his trainers (sneakers!) outside of the bedroom because they were making me feel sick! And I’ve also had a bit of a nasty taste in my mouth every now and then. And I’ve even felt a tiny bit dizzy every now and then. Plus I seem to have this crash (maybe sugar!) in the late afternoon. So either way, this whole IVF / meds / possible pregnancy thing does seem to mess with your senses.
I’m mainly just trying to keep busy, and have been doing okay with that. This week we had a bank holiday in the UK, which means we have the Monday off work. (This is not that big a deal when you’re working your notice period, but it’s nice anyway.) This weekend we have a big girls’ weekend planned. I’m hoping that this means I will actually be able to celebrate (ish) my pregnancy rather than feel terrible about impending miscarriage, but it’s been arranged for ages so it’s not really like we can rearrange it.
It will be four of us who were at school together, and we worked out we haven’t all been together since we left school (about two decades ago, eek). I’ve been in touch with all of them since school and we’ve met up individually but never the four of us. The most we had recently was 3 out of the group plus my BFF (who didn’t stay at the same school and currently lives overseas so can’t make it). But everyone lives in different places and one of us lives really far away so we just don’t really get the chance to meet up. She has a daughter who is at school – the only one of us with a child – and I haven’t seen the kid since she was a baby! That’s nuts.
Anyway we (well, I) have planned lots of fun things to do. So aside from just catching up we will be able to have some fun. I had to resist planning everything out to the last detail. I’m sort of a quite disorganised person but I do like to plan events as I don’t like having to wait in queues or not know what we’re doing! But I had to pull back a bit and stop going crazy! We are going for tapas on Friday night, a bit of sightseeing followed by afternoon tea and a show on Saturday, and brunch on Sunday. We are staying at one of the friend’s parents’ place in London (she lives really the other end of the country) so that should be fun, as it will be like being back at school and having a sleepover!
So that’s what I’ve been up to, apart from the waiting. Here are some pictures from the past few days (mainly of food!)… I do take other pictures but they all have people / Dog in, so in the spirit of maintaining some semblance of anonymity, you get food!
I made lemon drizzle for my coworkers last week. I can’t actually remember if I already posted these, but I had a sort of sudden desire to make it, and it turned out quite well! Not as lemony as I’d like so next time I would add more lemons. I used Mary Berry’s recipe for lemon drizzle traybake. Next time I’d probably use 3 or 4 lemons rather than 2, but everyone said it was really nice anyway!
I did another pregnancy test last week just to check, at 6 weeks, whether I was still pregnant. Looks alright!
I had a bit of fantastic news: my sibling who lives really far away was in town, so we went for afternoon tea with T at the Langham Hotel. I’ve been wanting to go there for ages as it is meant to be one of the best afternoon teas (there are so many in London you barely have time to try them all!) and it didn’t disappoint. I also wanted to go there as I am a super fan of Cherish Finden, who is the head pastry chef at the Langham. It was great to see my sibling and catch up, and the most amazing thing was that Cherish Finden came out and we met her! Seriously I was almost crying, I was so happy. She is one of the judges on a show called Bakeoff Creme de la Creme, and she is known for being a bit scary but I love her. All I asked for was a photo, but she came and chatted with us for ages and was really nice. Not at all like her fierce on screen persona! The afternoon tea was fantastic as well.
Cherish Finden on Bakeoff Creme de la Creme.
On bank holiday Monday we decided to take Dog to the city farm. For those of you who live in the country, a city farm is where city people can go and pretend to be in the country! I actually love going to the city farm because it reminds me of our first date… T asked where I wanted to go and he suggested the city farm (although in his head it was the zoo). We went and fed the animals and held hands walking around and I just thought, he seems like a great guy and he can think of interesting things to do! Nowadays it is a good place to go because we can take Dog. A lot of places in London aren’t very dog friendly so it’s nice for him to be able to get out and about.
Last night I made a salad! Told you this pregnancy thing is messing with my tastes. I hate salad! But this salad was mainly “bits” as in protein. I don’t like lettuce much but this was the best salad ever! We are lately addicted to Brianna’s home style honey mustard dressing. It’s great on avocado (it even has a picture of avocado on the label) and it tastes just like the vinaigrette at The Wolseley, which is a posh restaurant in London which does the best avocado vinaigrette ever. Anyway I was very proud of myself for actually making something that wasn’t pizza or pasta.
And here is a picture of me today.