IVF 2: Keeping time

Well, not much to report here. Still waiting until our first scan, where we will find out (possibly) if this pregnancy is viable or not. Although obviously the main goal is to get to 12 weeks and then full term, this is just one of the many hurdles we have to jump in order to get a bit closer to that goal.

It’s hard. It’s really hard being bloated and fat and my face swollen up (from added weight and also from the steroids) and with humungaboobs and generally not being able to fit into most of my clothes. It’s even harder to think that this might be all for nothing, as it was around this time last year when our first IVF cycle ended in miscarriage. I’m sort of making a lot of excuses to not do things (like drinking and socialising) and I feel like I want to know one way or another. If it’s all bad then at least I can hop right on the crash diet bandwagon.

Our scan is on Thursday. This coincides inconveniently (!) with my penultimate day at work, and I’ve promised people lots of cake (home made) on both the Thursday and the Friday, so I have to go in even if we get the worst news. I guess if that happens I can at least have some farewell drinks. I had sort of not planned any and said I’d do cakes instead, so everyone just thinks I’m being antisocial rather than pregnant.

It seems like we are just waiting… And waiting… And I know this won’t be the end of the waiting. I suppose I’m seeing the scan this week as some kind of confirmation that we are not immediately about to miscarry. I know enough from going over last year’s scans in my head what would be a good outcome and what would be a bad outcome. Last year we didn’t know so when they said, “There’s a heartbeat!”, we took that to be good news rather than realising that them asking for a second scan a week later was bad news. So basically unless we get the all clear this time (and we will actually be more at the timing of the second scan for the first one this time round, 7 weeks 1 day) then I will assume it’s bad news.

I can’t even describe how bad I’m feeling about my body right now. I can barely look at myself and I actually avert my eyes when getting out of the shower so I don’t catch a glimpse of myself. I seem to have developed fat in places I didn’t even know I could be fat. Anyway, I guess if it actually ends up in pregnancy then I can accept it, but it’s pretty hard to deal with right now. I’ve had to go and buy other clothes but it is wrecking my self-esteem right now.

In terms of symptoms, I can’t tell what is symptom and what is meds. A few things I’ve noticed (other than humungaboobs and general bloat) – I have definitely got some kind of strange reactions to food, not cravings exactly but I do feel like I am more bothered about what I do and don’t want to eat. Maybe that’s psychological. I am also feeling nauseous when I’m hungry, but maybe that’s just greed. And secondly my sense of smell seems worse (I mean better) than normal, in that I’m more bothered by bad smells. I had to make T move his trainers (sneakers!) outside of the bedroom because they were making me feel sick! And I’ve also had a bit of a nasty taste in my mouth every now and then. And I’ve even felt a tiny bit dizzy every now and then. Plus I seem to have this crash (maybe sugar!) in the late afternoon. So either way, this whole IVF / meds / possible pregnancy thing does seem to mess with your senses.

I’m mainly just trying to keep busy, and have been doing okay with that. This week we had a bank holiday in the UK, which means we have the Monday off work. (This is not that big a deal when you’re working your notice period, but it’s nice anyway.) This weekend we have a big girls’ weekend planned. I’m hoping that this means I will actually be able to celebrate (ish) my pregnancy rather than feel terrible about impending miscarriage, but it’s been arranged for ages so it’s not really like we can rearrange it. 

It will be four of us who were at school together, and we worked out we haven’t all been together since we left school (about two decades ago, eek). I’ve been in touch with all of them since school and we’ve met up individually but never the four of us. The most we had recently was 3 out of the group plus my BFF (who didn’t stay at the same school and currently lives overseas so can’t make it). But everyone lives in different places and one of us lives really far away so we just don’t really get the chance to meet up. She has a daughter who is at school – the only one of us with a child – and I haven’t seen the kid since she was a baby! That’s nuts.

Anyway we (well, I) have planned lots of fun things to do. So aside from just catching up we will be able to have some fun. I had to resist planning everything out to the last detail. I’m sort of a quite disorganised person but I do like to plan events as I don’t like having to wait in queues or not know what we’re doing! But I had to pull back a bit and stop going crazy! We are going for tapas on Friday night, a bit of sightseeing followed by afternoon tea and a show on Saturday, and brunch on Sunday. We are staying at one of the friend’s parents’ place in London (she lives really the other end of the country) so that should be fun, as it will be like being back at school and having a sleepover!

So that’s what I’ve been up to, apart from the waiting. Here are some pictures from the past few days (mainly of food!)… I do take other pictures but they all have people / Dog in, so in the spirit of maintaining some semblance of anonymity, you get food!

I made lemon drizzle for my coworkers last week. I can’t actually remember if I already posted these, but I had a sort of sudden desire to make it, and it turned out quite well! Not as lemony as I’d like so next time I would add more lemons. I used Mary Berry’s recipe for lemon drizzle traybake. Next time I’d probably use 3 or 4 lemons rather than 2, but everyone said it was really nice anyway!

I did another pregnancy test last week just to check, at 6 weeks, whether I was still pregnant. Looks alright!


I discovered my latest fad / craving / everything, Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. OMG. You get them in a can, keep them in the fridge and make freshly baked cinnamon rolls whenever you want! Bliss!


I had a bit of fantastic news: my sibling who lives really far away was in town, so we went for afternoon tea with T at the Langham Hotel. I’ve been wanting to go there for ages as it is meant to be one of the best afternoon teas (there are so many in London you barely have time to try them all!) and it didn’t disappoint. I also wanted to go there as I am a super fan of Cherish Finden, who is the head pastry chef at the Langham. It was great to see my sibling and catch up, and the most amazing thing was that Cherish Finden came out and we met her! Seriously I was almost crying, I was so happy. She is one of the judges on a show called Bakeoff Creme de la Creme, and she is known for being a bit scary but I love her. All I asked for was a photo, but she came and chatted with us for ages and was really nice. Not at all like her fierce on screen persona! The afternoon tea was fantastic as well.

Cherish Finden on Bakeoff Creme de la Creme.

On bank holiday Monday we decided to take Dog to the city farm. For those of you who live in the country, a city farm is where city people can go and pretend to be in the country! I actually love going to the city farm because it reminds me of our first date… T asked where I wanted to go and he suggested the city farm (although in his head it was the zoo). We went and fed the animals and held hands walking around and I just thought, he seems like a great guy and he can think of interesting things to do! Nowadays it is a good place to go because we can take Dog. A lot of places in London aren’t very dog friendly so it’s nice for him to be able to get out and about. 

Last night I made a salad! Told you this pregnancy thing is messing with my tastes. I hate salad! But this salad was mainly “bits” as in protein. I don’t like lettuce much but this was the best salad ever! We are lately addicted to Brianna’s home style honey mustard dressing. It’s great on avocado (it even has a picture of avocado on the label) and it tastes just like the vinaigrette at The Wolseley, which is a posh restaurant in London which does the best avocado vinaigrette ever. Anyway I was very proud of myself for actually making something that wasn’t pizza or pasta.

And here is a picture of me today.

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52 comments

  1. wonkygenes

    Hey! Sorry the wait is tough…but only a couple of days to go. Got everything crossed that you have the best girls weekend and last day at work ever. I started the progesterone pessaries on Sunday and feeling super lazy today but I you’ve inspired me to do some baking! When do you start your new job?

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    • Nara

      Next week. Next Thursday! A bit of a random day! At least it means a few days off. I had a nice facial today so just trying to relax. Enjoy baking! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Maternally Optimistic

    I keep looking for updates from you, just to see how things are going along. I will have everything crossed for you for Thursday. I totally understand what you mean about the food/nausea thing. I just feel I am struggling to find something I fancy to eat, apart from spag bol which I have eaten loads of. I’ve been keeping a family size bar of dairy milk on my desk for the sugar crashes as thats definitely when my nausea is at its worst.
    I was in London this weekend visiting a friend and we went to the Covent Garden Hotel for afternoon tea, was lovely! Might try the Langham next time I’m down, it looks amazing!! I might also need to try this Mary Berry recipe, few people I know have made that cake and it’s alwasy tasted good. xxx

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    • Nara

      Ooh, I love afternoon tea! I think there are so many great places to go. I really love the mad hatter’s afternoon tea at the Sanderson. The Langham was fantastic though.
      I was sort of wondering about spag Bol actually! Although not sure I want to be dealing with raw meat! I was okay with the chicken last night… Just… I think I just wanted something fresh to eat. I’m a fussy eater at the best of times so not sure if it’s just psychological! I’ll have to wait until Thursday to find out… Aaaaagh!

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      • Maternally Optimistic

        My friend lives in London and I think she is slowly trying to work her way round all the different places that do a good afternoon tea.
        I know it’s not long until Thursday but I am sure to you it feels like such a long time.
        Yeah it’s hard to chose both something you fancy to eat and something you can face making.

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      • Nara

        I took a leaf out of your book and am making spag bol tonight! Well it’s my version which is possibly not entirely authentic (I like chilli!) but hopefully it will be good! T is very impressed!

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      • Maternally Optimistic

        Sounds good!! Glad you found something you fancied! I don’t thing any two people make spag bol the same, my hubby loves chilli so my spag bol sometimes resembles something in between lol

        Liked by 1 person

  3. RJ

    I hope you have a great girls weekend and a wonderful last few days at work. You’re so kind to make treats for your co-workers!

    As for the scan, I am so hopeful for you and sending lots of positive thoughts and good vibes. The unknown is so scary, and so is the possibility of bad news. But remain positive, and if that’s hard, we will all send your our positivity!

    I also wanted to comment on body image. I’m so sorry you’re having such negative feelings about the way you look. It’s so hard to feel bad about yourself, especially since you have so much other stuff going on. Please be kind to yourself, you’re beautiful!

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    • Nara

      Aww thanks, you’re too kind. I’m trying not to worry too much about the body image – I mean, I’m eating plenty so it’s not like I’m on a diet or anything. I just don’t feel great about it. Anyway only two more days… Eek. X

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  4. MrsD

    So glad things are going well- I kept looking for an update from you! I’m always so jealous when you go for fancy afternoon tea- it looks so delicious! Also, as someone who had gestational diabetes and literally dreamed about being able to eat cinnamon rolls, I encourage you to eat as many as possible. 🙂

    Like

    • Nara

      Haha, I think I actually felt a bit sick of them today as I had them for breakfast and lunch basically – there are 6 in a pack and you have to make them all really, and T had already gone to work! What a greedy guts!
      Afternoon tea is fab! I really love doing it – it’s such an indulgent thing to do, but at least if you have it, you don’t tend to have any dinner later on! But you do get absolutely stuffed!

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  5. tidleone

    The afternoon tea looks amazing, especially the cakes. Keep believing, my fingers are crossed for you. You should absolutely treat yourself – you’ve absolutely earned it.

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    • Nara

      Aww thanks. Yes the afternoon tea was fab! Also sometimes I find they are way too big but as Cherish makes them… Just the right size for one bite! Haha. Hope you are doing well… This time I did feel it took me a few days to recover from egg collection. Sofa and telly and cuddles I think! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. mamajo23

    But the way– I have quite a few thoughts on the body image stuff but am saving that for post-ultrasound when you are feeling a bit more reassurance. Xo

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    • Nara

      Ahh, thing is, I know I’d be okay with it if it leads to a proper pregnancy. But it didn’t last time, and it was horrible, and I’m even heavier now than I was then (well I stopped weighing myself so maybe not, I just didn’t want to know). It’s just hard right now. But it would be worth it if it ended up in a baby!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Amy M.

    OMG you and your food!!! It kills me to read your posts sometimes lol!! Those Pilsbury cinnamon rolls…my family has had them every single Christmas morning for as long as I can ever remember. My mom was so touched to find out that all these years after we all went our separate ways, that my sister and I both still do this!! I hope you have fun with your friends!! And good luck with your scan Thursday!! It’s so close now!! I’ll be thinking of you!!

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    • Nara

      Aww that’s a nice story. Yes I take lots of pics but due to trying to be a tiny bit anon, I can’t post most of them as they’re all of Dog or T and me! Haha. I’ll just have to keep enjoying the cinnamon rolls! 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. miraclebabyo

    Can I just say I hear you on the body image thing! Most people would laugh because I am quite tall and everyone just assumes I am thin and fit..well I AM NOT! Over the last 5 years I have put on 22lbs and I have rolls on my stomach and little fatty wings on my back. I cannot wear pants at the moment because none of them fit unless they have an elastic waist line. I look like I have aged 15yrs in the past 1! I have a full on beard thanks to the hormones and the list just continues. My dear husband does not want to have sex as he is fearful it will cause me to miscarry, which really works wonders on my self esteem.
    You could say that I am right by your side in this journey, including the symptoms. In a few short days you are going to see you lovely little nugget and the flickering of his heart because this time this little guy is sticking around for the long run!

    Like

    • Nara

      Aww I’m glad in a way it’s not just me, although sorry you are going through it too! Yes we are abstaining as well. At least until we get to a “safe zone” (or otherwise). It is horrible! I’ve put on about the same amount (I had to convert from kg!) and I am short! Looks like we are almost exactly the same! Although I don’t have a beard… I’m not very hairy so that’s one less thing to worry about. Poor you! I’m glad we can support each other on this journey. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Babyscienceproject

    Chin up chuck as we say up North! Waistline expansion will all be worthwhile I’m sure. You can always do one of those mad juice detox/clean/cave man whatevers further down the line. Once the bump makes a proper appearance you can eat whatever you want and blame it on the baby (which is what I do X 2 every single day).

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