Feelings about pregnancy after loss

I’m very conscious that the tone of some of my posts has switched from infertility/loss to a cautious acceptance of pregnancy to (probably from the outside) a complete embracing of pregnancy, and I wanted to address that a bit and try to explain the whole storm in my head. Because despite what it may look like from the outside – babymoon, shopping for baby stuff, baby shower – I know that this is not a “normal” pregnancy.

I have never, ever gotten pregnant on my own. (Okay, you know what I mean!) I’ve never had an “oopsie”… I’ve never had a pregnancy scare… I’ve never felt funny one day and thought back to my last period and realised I was late. I was in a long term relationship for a really long time, during which I (and probably everyone else) thought we’d have children. But we didn’t. And before then and after then, despite being in relationships where I could have become pregnant, I never did.

We’re still not sure what caused my 10+ years of childlessness. (It certainly wasn’t lack of baby-making activity… just saying.) It wasn’t until I started blogging (I think April a year and a bit ago) that I finally started to put a name to what I had. Infertility. I kind of just thought I was a freak who didn’t deserve to have children. I was adopted, so I shouldn’t care about biological stuff anyway, right? (It turns out many adoptees do, a whole lot more than “normals”.) 

A disparate range of afflictions – heavy, painful periods, endometriosis (2 operations to clear the decks), a possible blocked fallopian tube, some polyps, a fibroid or two, some chemical imbalances – that all conspired to prevent me getting pregnant all through my twenties and most of my thirties. An ex who didn’t understand the loss I felt the first time I had an investigative laparoscopy and they found extensive endometriosis and a likelihood I wouldn’t get pregnant naturally.

Fast forward a few years. I split with my ex. I met T and I told him everything. I mean everything. By that time I was approaching mid 30s and I knew I should not get into a relationship with someone who might want kids I wouldn’t be able to give him. T being T, said, “We’ll just do IVF.” And me being me, I didn’t even raise it (and we had a nice few months of going at it like rabbits, both for fun and just in case) until T suggested it was time to make the appointment about having kids…

One blog, two cycles of IVF, about 20 different drugs, two pregnancies, one loss and one ongoing later and here we are. I’m pregnant. 28-and-a-bit weeks. We’ve just been on babymoon. We have a mini collection of tiny outfits. A plan for a baby shower. A name and a nickname. T reads to B every few nights, a story about dogs just like our Dog. B kicks appreciatively (or maybe, “Do the voices!”) and Dog snores as Dog always does, possibly unaware that he’s scheduled to get a baby brother.

I have everything I ever wanted. A T, a Dog, and a baby on the way. A house (well, a teeny flat), a job I enjoy which pays me enough money to pay for the tiny flat… a nice family and a soon-to-grow little family of my own.

And yet… I’m scared.

Here’s the thing, for those of us who’ve experienced a loss before, I think we have a sort of PTSD (and I don’t use that term lightly: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I really thought the pain of however many years of infertility, the insensitive questions (literally a couple of days ago a friend messaged me, “Have you ever considered having children?” and if I hadn’t been pregnant, I would have felt a lot worse…), the constant pregnancy-birth-mother’s day-first-day-of-school announcements on social media were something I could deal with, because my feelings about never having a baby were so deeply buried, and it had always been thus.

And then we did our first cycle of IVF. And I got pregnant! It was amazing. It was exciting. We were optimistic. We passed those milestones – the repeated positive pregnancy tests, the ultrasounds, the little heartbeat flickering away, the… miscarriage. 

The “ball of cells”, the “at least you know you can get pregnant”, the “it happens to loads of people”, the worst pain I could have imagined, obliterating the searing physical pain which was also most definitely not “just like a heavy period”. The dismantling of plans and dreams. The going back to a horrible job with unsympathetic management. The commiserating holiday at the dream destination. Disney, the place to bring your kids… the happy place. The misery of pregnancy weight gain without the baby. The loss of hope.

And I know that what we “suffered” is experienced by hundreds of thousands of people, and others have it much worse. I never had to give birth to a dead baby. I can’t even imagine the pain of that when passing my almost-baby was so painful. I never suffered repeated losses, because it took over a decade to make it to our first pregnancy. Our first loss. I’ve never had a real live child running about who died. I know it’s not the Pain Olympics. But I also know that what feels monumental to me is smaller than what many people have dealt with. 

Maybe it’s because of this, because my decades of childlessness were more of an absence than loss, that our one hard-won loss last year hit me so hard. Because I really felt like maybe I was just not meant to have kids, maybe it would never happen, and when I got pregnant on IVF cycle 2, an ostensibly less successful cycle than cycle 1, I felt not joy but mounting fear that this would be another suckerpunch, another loss.

Pregnancy after loss is not like pregnancy, period. I see those pregnancies of friends and on social media and they’re so full of joy and excitement and that seems naive to me, like tempting fate. I saw our first baby’s heart beat. That meant we were in the tiny percentages of unlikeliness that something bad would happen… but it did. I barely slept leading up to our first scan, and I knew not to trust it. When we saw the heart beating, I cried. I don’t know whether from joy or fear. But it wasn’t the end of the anxiety and I didn’t “feel pregnant” and I didn’t rejoice. As each milestone passed – 12 weeks, 16 weeks, first kicks, T would ask me, when are you going to feel better? And I couldn’t answer him. He had to believe for the both of us.

Of course, over time, anxiety has decreased. How I feel about baby B now is nothing compared with how I felt in those first, fearful weeks. I don’t know when the anxiety moved to more manageable levels because it has been 6 months of slow, gradual reduction and trying to be as happy as others seem to be for us. All throughout this pregnancy, now in its 29th week, I have kept up this internal monologue of rationalisation… Read the stats, understand the risks… Know that every day that passes, the risk reduces. But I will never be like those carefree friends who have never suffered infertility or loss. 

What helped for me was passing the halfway mark – 20 weeks, which coincided with “coming out” to people at work (though I told my boss and HR sooner due to the legalities). It may sound crazy but as T said to me, it’s okay now to tell people as you’d want them to know if the baby died… It’s no longer a “ball of cells” or “happens to everyone”. It is an actual acknowledgeable baby. People would be able to talk about it if we lost him, instead of having to pretend that he never existed. That makes a difference, I guess. As is being treated like an obviously pregnant woman. Getting seats on public transport. Having a sympathetic doctor who took my anxiety seriously and referred me to an amazing midwife. And the biggy – feeling him kick.

People who don’t worry about pregnancy loss tell you how annoying and uncomfortable it is, but honestly, I embrace every discomfort. Even when I wake up at night with back pain, even when my body is a mess of extra chub and stretch marks, I am thankful that I am experiencing something I never thought I’d ever experience. And I’m scared now that I’ve started to dream about him, our son, that he might not get here healthy and alive. That whatever pain I felt least year about losing our first baby, it would be a thousand times worse now I’ve felt B kick, that I’ve felt my skin stretching, that we registered him at nursery and bought him little outfits, that everyone knows.

There are those little reminders. “Is this your first child?” – I always answer yes. I know that’s not strictly true, that we had another almost-child last year, that B is our “rainbow baby” – but I can’t bring myself to tell that sad story to every smiling face who asks. People congratulating us then musing about maybe trying for a baby soon. I want to scream at them, start yesterday! It might never happen! (But of course it will, straight away, because you’re not us.) People who congratulate us in a thoughtless way that triggers off all the feels. I’ve taken to saying, It took a lot to get this far. A lot of medical interventions. About 20 different drugs. So no, I won’t be having a second child. I don’t even feel confident I can get this one here safely, but those words remain unspoken, always in the back of my mind.

That friend of mine who asked me the other day if I’d ever considered having kids – she has one, and told me that they liked him so much, “We might try for a sister for him soon.” She’s in her 40s… Oh, the naïveté! Imagine being able to think, I’ll just have another one and I hope it’s a girl. Like that’s your worst likelihood. Not, I hope we can have a child. I hope my baby doesn’t die. Just, I hope we can make a sister for him, but if it’s a brother then I guess we’ll deal with it.

A girlfriend of a friend from school is around 2 weeks behind us – and they constantly post pregnancy updates on Facebook. I can’t stand them. I can’t look at their confidence and I worry for them that they don’t know the risks, and I resent that they are so blasé about it, but then I tell myself that their way of doing things is the normal way, not our way. You shouldn’t spend your pregnancy worrying that it’s going to end, that there’s not going to be a live baby. That’s just us. At Halloween she dressed her bump with blood and doll parts so it looked like a baby clawing its way out. I can’t imagine she’s ever looked at blood coming out of her and wondering which parts were her dead baby.

And part of me is jealous that it’s not me posting bumpies and milestones and cutesy pregnancy announcements (ours would be Dog and a pair of booties, now you ask). But I don’t think I could cope with the idea of unannouncing. It was bad enough last time having to unannounce to the very few people we had told. It’s almost worse having to deal with other people’s grief. Pregnancy-wise, I’m just going to lay low, off radar (well, off social media) until-when-if B is born. If he arrives safe then I will be able to tell people, this is our son! This is Dog’s little brother! I can breathe. Meanwhile, I’ll participate in the rituals of baby shower and shopping and dressing the bump and enjoying other people’s happiness for us, and I’ll try my best not to let the worries take over. Fake it till you make it. 

But until then, I will talk to my bump, feel B kick, and try and impart some reassurance to him that his mama is doing her best to keep him safe until it’s time in three months to try and get him safely into the world.

B’s future buddy, Tiger. We had been looking for a “favourite toy” for him for ages, and I spotted this tiger in a bookshop at the start of our babymoon. He’s The Tiger Who Came To Tea, from the children’s book. I love that he looks happy, and sits a bit like a yogi. I think he will make a great buddy for B.

Advertisements

80 comments

  1. jonsie13

    Oh friend, do I ever understand every word of this. I’m trying so hard to take one day, one week at a time. It’s not easy, and it’s not something that can be understood by anyone who hasn’t experienced it. I am thankful for every day, every kick, every heartbeat I hear on the doppler, every ultrasound. And I’m thankful for this blog, where I have a space and people who know what I’m going through.
    I’m 27w3d, so not far behind you.

    Like

    • Nara

      Oh you’re only a week behind! That’s exciting. There are a few of us a few weeks apart. My family keep betting he’ll arrive early for Christmas but I’m hoping I get at least a week of leave before the birth! I know that all of us who understand pregnancy after loss have that understanding in common… it’s sad, but also comforting to know there are people who understand. I haven’t used the Doppler so much since he started kicking – I did use it the other day and found his heartbeat straight away, so that was good! Glad you’re here. X

      Like

  2. Amy M.

    I will say that although I posted both here and on Facebook about my pregnancy regularly, or even daily…I was still scared the whole time. Every SINGLE time I went to the bathroom, I checked for blood to make sure I wasn’t having another miscarriage. Every time I didn’t feel the baby for a couple hours, I thought she had died. When we went in for the induction, I worried the whole time that she would be stillborn, or something horrible would happen and she would die shortly after she was born. The fear never went away. Even right now, as I watch her sleeping in her swing, it’s hard for me to realize that she’s real, she’s okay, we got through it all together. The fear and worry never goes away…and like people told me when I was pregnant, after they’re here there’s a whole new set of worries that plague you. It would have been nice to have one of those easy, carefree pregnancies that “fertiles” have…but I didn’t. Still, I got through it. And I know that you can too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      I can so relate to all of this (apart from actually having a baby! Yay for Cadence!). In a way it’s comforting to know you had all these feelings too and that Cadence arrived safely. I bet this is such an amazing time for you! Thank you for being here!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Amy M.

        No problem! I think we all go through these feelings…whether or not we admit it. I was insanely excited the whole time, but in the back of my head where I didn’t let anyone else in (except when I blogged about it) were all my fears that it was going to come crashing down around me. I’m sure that should we be lucky enough to have a second, it’ll be the same thing all over again. But that’s why we’re here for each other!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. theskyandback

    “Pregnancy after loss is not like pregnancy, period.” This. Exactly. I totally relate to this post. I never shook my anxiety, and for me it even got worse at the end. I am so glad you are managing yours a little better. It’s hard, but you are doing great! Also, your friend of a friend’s Halloween costume is horrifying! Also, also, that tiger is soooo cute.

    Like

    • Nara

      Aww, I’m glad that you understand and also that you’re out the other side (though I’m sure that is just a whole n’other level of worry!). I am managing my anxiety a bit better as time goes on. Although I’m sure that it will increase massively by the actual birth time! Yeah the actual picture of the dressed bump on FB was pretty horrific… I think I just couldn’t fathom how she could joke about it, but that’s me. Tiger is great! He’s poking his head out of a Sephora bag as we speak, safely out of Dog’s way! 😂

      Like

  4. sewingbutterfly

    I only went through 1 surgery (endometrial polyps) before conceiving and was terrified they would have grown back and cause problems. I entered my pregnancy a little less naive as I had lookes at the stats and more cautious than I would have been pre-polyps. I was almost sick before my 12 week scan because I was sure there would be a problem. I still hold my breath for a second when getting an ultrasound, until I see his heartbeat on the screen. I love every kick that tells me my baby is okay (37 weeks now) and I don’t post pregnancy updates besides on my blog and the 1 facebook announcement at 20 weeks. I appreciate how lucky I have been so far, everyday.

    If I have had anxiety and worry, I cannot even begin to imagine the worry, anxiety and stress that comes with pregnancy after loss.

    That tiger is so cute 🙂

    Like

    • Nara

      I think everyone must have some level of anxiety during pregnancy. It just doesn’t show on some people! I’m so glad you’re doing so well! 37 weeks, that’s any day now! Have you finished all your planned sewing projects?! I’m amazed by all of them! Yeah I only post about pregnancy on my blog… even my baby shower invitations said not to mention it on social media. Fortunately nobody has, yet, although I did have to delete a comment that alluded to it (about not drinking wine!). I can’t wait to hear about your bub’s safe arrival! X

      Liked by 1 person

  5. circumstance227

    It seems to me as if you have a good handle on your feelings – otherwise you wouldn’t be able to relate them so clearly and comprehensibly. Remember what I always tell my daughters – your feelings are never right or wrong or good or bad or OK or not OK – they are what they are. You may not have the privilege of blissful ignorance about your pregnancy, but maybe in return, you have a deeper appreciation of it.

    Like

    • Nara

      Well I think blogging helps work through the feelings a bit! I do accept that they are natural and “just are”… the anxiety isn’t so much fun though. I try and embrace the fun stuff (shopping!) though. And I’m sure the baby shower Christmas party will be fun! I kind of think I have a deeper appreciation of pregnancy, but then I think that’s quite an assumption because I don’t know what others truly feel. Maybe beneath all the bluster and social media postings they do appreciate it!

      Like

    • Nara

      Oh I can’t imagine how painful a loss at 21 weeks must have been, and another loss as well. You poor thing. I can understand how terrified you must be. I wish we could all go back in time. And I hope that you are able to enjoy this in some part, as time goes on… I agree, one day at a time. Xx

      Like

  6. whymeivf

    What a beautiful blog post, and one that can stand alone as a beautiful piece of writing, you brought me to tears twice. So glad that IVF has worked for you after all you’ve been through. The odds are in your favor now, like you it took me until about the 20 week mark to even start to believe this is true. All the best xx

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you! I just checked out your blog and I think congratulations are in order! I’m glad we have this community to be able to work thorough our feelings, and such a great bunch of supportive blogfriends. Thank you for your support! X

      Liked by 1 person

  7. spiteorflight

    Excellently put, all of it. My next FET is in 10 days, and if it works, it’ll be my fifth pregnancy/second (maybe) baby. I honestly just assume it will end disastrously, 1) because that’s what usually happens, and 2) maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised if I’m wrong.

    Like

  8. RJ

    I completely agree with you. For most people, pregnancy after loss, and infertility, is incredibly difficult, full of anxiety and fear about losing your baby (at any time in the pregnancy). I always wanted to be like most of my friends who could just flaunt their pregnancies immediately, telling everyone at 5 weeks, and not fearful of miscarrying or losing their baby. It took me a long time to actually acknowledge my pregnancy, tell others, and accept that I was actually going to have a baby. It felt like if I got excited or happy, it would all end. Anyway just wanted you to know you’re not alone (although I know you know that)!!

    Like

    • Nara

      The thing is, I don’t think the anxiety ever goes away. I actually feel like it had calmed a little bit with the babymoon but then I got triggered again yesterday when someone contacted me who I’d specifically not told about the pregnancy (after she said all the wrong things after my miscarriage last year). I also feel like I can’t get too excited! It’s such a minefield! Thanks for your support. X

      Like

      • RJ

        Yeah the anxiety doesn’t ever go away. I was super anxious for the majority of my pregnancy. That’s what happens when you’ve experienced loss. I tried so hard to relax, and I was able to in general but the nervous thoughts were always there. I get it! Hugs!

        Like

  9. Maternally Optimistic

    Read this last night but actually couldn’t write a comment because I ended up crying. I didn’t have any problems concieving in the end, it just took a bit longer for it to happen for us naturally but it made me very cautious being pregnant. I somehow felt that with it taking so long that something might go wrong and I didn’t announce on FB until I was 20 weeks. In between the loving being pregnant I still have worries and niggles that something could go wrong, this has gotten better the further along I am. I just think that if I can be so anxious about pregnancy and I really didn’t have to go through anything like the kind of heartache you have been, I just can’t imagine how hard all of this must be for you, that where others find it so natural to be excited and to be doing normal things like buying for your baby, you must have to really push yourself to stay positive and do these things. I am so happy for you though that so far things are going great.xxx

    Like

    • Nara

      Ahh, I didn’t intend to make anyone cry! Sorry about that! I am okay, it is just swings and roundabouts when it comes to how I feel about people congratulating me and whatnot. I suppose it’s natural. I think we probably don’t see all the anxiety bits that other people have, and only the happy excited bits! Anyway I am doing my best to concentrate on the being excited part and trying to ignore the scared part.

      Like

      • Maternally Optimistic

        Oh don’t apologise, I will just blame the pesky hormones. Was crying again last night lol
        Yeah I guess thats very true, poeple only show you what they think you want to see so hide all the anxiety x

        Like

      • Nara

        Oh no! I keep crying or feeling tearful at anything too! Like I was reading about donating cord blood at the hospital today and I almost cried! Ha. Maybe I have got a heart after all?! X

        Liked by 1 person

      • Maternally Optimistic

        Haha
        I haven’t been this emotional since right in the beginning. Everything seems to set me off at the moment. Do not watch Paul O’Grady’s for love of dogs, it took me quite a while to recover from that sob fest x

        Like

      • Nara

        Oh jeez we saw The Light Between Oceans last night and it was all I could do not to break into hysterical sobs in the cinema!!

        Like

      • Maternally Optimistic

        Yeah I have been avoiding any weepy films recently! I just can’t handle it.

        I do love the happy ending with the dogs where they go to their new homes and are so happy but normally by that point I still haven’t recovered from my sobbing at how they have been mistreated

        Like

      • Nara

        There is one video I posted on FB which had a starving dog but it had a happy ending! I felt completely upset and sick when a friend posted a petition about a dead dog – featuring pictures. I had to stay off FB for a while. I just can’t imagine people mistreating dogs! They’re better than humans!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. My Perfect Breakdown

    Having never made it through a successful pregnancy, I 100% respect your complex emotions. Honestly, I think they are pretty normal for our very non-normal situation.
    All that said, I am cheering you on each and every step of the way!

    Like

    • Nara

      I can’t imagine what it must feel like for you after so much loss. I feel like one was too much for me. You are right, the emotions are complex… it’s sort of happiness and sadness and fear all mixed up! Thank you for cheering me on! X

      Liked by 1 person

  11. thepregnantlifeblog

    Thanks for sharing your story. It is hard to hope and keep hoping. And it’s easy to doubt and give into anxiety. I can totally relate to that. Also, more and more women are experiencing infertility, so it’s great that someone is talking about it! xoxo

    Like

  12. Courtney

    I had a photographer lined up that I found because I was looking for a stillbirth photographer in case things went terribly wrong. I didn’t even tell the photographer that that’s how and why I found her – I told her a year later that I reached out to her to have her lined up in case we lost the baby and I knew I’d want the best photographer in town who took those types of pictures. It just worked out that she did birth photos too, which was, by the way, the best money we ever spent (for both kids). So to cover all of my bases, I booked her for birth photography and hoped and prayed that it would stay that way. The fear – it’s very real and until that baby is crying out loud, I don’t rest. I was wheeled into the OR for a scheduled C-section worried that he’d die on the way in. They asked me how I felt and I said, “just get him out.”

    You are NOT alone, friend.

    That costume – so tacky. Seriously, I’m very relaxed about costumes and get a great chuckle out of terribly inappropriate costumes, but that is over even my limit. Gross. And honestly, it’s triggering for those who have lost babies late in the game. She should be ashamed. I sort of hope someone said something like, “I hope no one who sees you has lost a baby to stillbirth or traumatic birth.” But then again, I hope people let her be naïve. I wish I’d been able to be naïve.

    You are so close! I’m so excited for you!

    Cute tiger! I hope he likes it!

    Like

    • Nara

      I haven’t planned any birth photos… hadn’t even realised that’s a thing. (I know you guys do everything way bigger over there… Halloween being prime example! So amazed by your pictures!) I have booked a newborn photo shoot but that’s when he’ll be a week old. My reasoning was quite similar in that if it doesn’t happen I would like to think she would give a refund on the deposit, or I would just take Dog to the shoot (as it’s going to be both of them, haha).

      I think the fear is just really weird and hits at odd times. And also means I haven’t reacted so well to people congratulating me, which also then makes me worry.

      Yeah the costume was awful. But I am sure she is just naive. I seem to know so many people who aren’t worried at all! She’s like 20 or something (my schoolfriend is late 30s) so it’s probably naïveté and us old people being judgy!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. notpregnantinrezza

    I’m with everyone else, I relate to this so much. I feel bad for not enjoying pregnancy more but like you the anxiety about something going wrong lessens but is always there. I think that that’s just natural given your experiences (and those of anyone who has deal with infertility). I hope the next ten weeks fly by for you, get slowly easier, and you enjoy all of those little kicks. Reading to your little one sounds lovely, apparently they can recognize the book when they’re born (I’m sure you know that) xx

    Like

    • Nara

      Ha, the book is not really a little kids’ book and probably more for my benefit! I think it is probably quite comforting just to hear voices even if he can’t figure out what they’re saying! How are you doing? Xx

      Like

  14. heatherhopeful

    Seeing this post makes me feel a mix of things–first, I’m so happy for you!! Congratulations! I’m over the moon to hear about your little boy!!! Reading your words reminds me so much of the fear I went through during our pregnancy. And to that, I truly sympathize. The days are filled with a mix of emotions. It’s like torture. “Normal” people cannot seem to understand or relate to the hesitant happiness. I cannot wait until the day when he is here, and you no longer have to listen to those seeds of doubt that tug at you. I send you so many hugs, and so much love.

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you! I keep telling myself it will feel different when/if we come out the other side. I am sure that in most cases nothing goes wrong but… we have already been on the wrong side of statistics. I saw an old post of mine from this time last year and already realised how far we had come. So it’s one day at a time until, hopefully, we have our little boy…
      So great to hear from you. And I’m so happy for you! Like I said on your blog, you were one of the very first blogs I followed so a true inspiration!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. heatherhopeful

    What a great attitude–one day at a time until he’s here. When is your due date? And thank you. Your words mean a lot. I still pinch myself in disbelief reading the words that we were an inspiration. I can’t wait for you to get comments like that on YOUR blog soon. 💙

    Like

  16. Pingback: How not to react when someone congratulates you on being pregnant (Pregnancy after loss) | From zero to zygote
  17. twinpocalypse

    Wow. Such a strong piece. I really identify with everything you’ve said. Also… now that I’m 16 or so months into having the babies I still feel incredibly lucky to have them, and that I could lose them at any moment. I fight incredibly hard against my inclination to over parent. I don’t want them to grow up with that kind of anxiety.

    Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Like you it wasn’t till about 27/ 28 weeks that I felt in any way like we were having a baby. Also went on a babymoon around then as well. Take care of yourself xx

    Like

    • Nara

      Oh, I really hope that your anxiety starts to fade. I actually think about that now, the kind of freedom we had as children (80s!) and wonder why our parents weren’t the over-anxious helicopter parents we have now! We used to play by water all the time! Ha!

      Thank you for the encouragement. I am 29 weeks tomorrow, and starting to get there. I suppose the fears over birth are probably also a contributor! I just want him to get here safely. (I feel like I will be fine then, but I probably will be a nutcase!) xx

      Like

  18. junosilver

    I have had two consecutive misscarriages this year and I’m currently 6 weeks pregnant. I get what you say about the people who post constantly, I’m so scared! I’m fed up of feeling sad and want to feel happy but I can’t. I hate that they can’t do any tests yet as the statistics show I’m unlikely to miscarry a third time, but they said that the second time!

    Like

    • Nara

      Oh you poor thing! I don’t know how you handle it. I have “only” had one (after a load of interventions) and I honestly think I would be a complete wreck if something happened to this one. I’m so sorry you are feeling sad… I do know that the first trimester was the worst for me in terms of anxiety. I don’t think there’s anything you can do to allay it, so distraction is probably the best thing! Any box sets you can binge on? Or books? I like reading a lot and getting immersed and forgetting who I am! Wishing you lots of luck. Xx

      Like

      • junosilver

        I’ve just started a new job as my previous one was too stressful and I think it contributed to them both but I’m hoping that distracts me long enough to get through the first trimester. I didn’t realise until I had my first miscarriage how common they actually are but I do think k it is unfair they refuse to do any testing 😣 xx

        Like

      • Nara

        It’s really awful they expect people to go through three miscarriages before they investigate. The level of trauma you go through having three is unimaginable. And also they don’t “count” IVF miscarriages. Which is why we went private. I think if you can afford it then it is worth doing but if you can’t (and it’s expensive, sadly) you have to work within the boundaries of whatever healthcare provider you have. X

        Like

  19. mum100blog

    Oh my goodness Nara, I felt every word of this post. This sums up for me the massive differences between a straightforward pregnancy and pregnancy after infertility/loss. That innocent belief has gone and sometimes it takes me every ounce of personal courage plus a ton of support to get through the day. Thank you for writing this heartfelt piece x

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Dubliner in Deutschland

    I understand how you feel. If I get pregnant next IVF I can imagine I would be terrified about something going wrong! I think when you go through infertility you just become so used to not being able to easily get pregnant and have a baby like other people that then you cannot believe that things might finally be going your way. A friend of mine here got pregnant, was really excited and was going for her first scan at 7 weeks this week and I was really worried for her that something might go wrong, that there might not be a heartbeat or something! When she didn’t text me I was thinking the worst. Luckily everything went fine and I envy how positive she is and how she’s able to just relax and enjoy her pregnancy.

    Like

    • Nara

      Aww, that must have been hard and triggering for you. Sorry about that! I hope your next IVF is the one! I think we do just become used to the idea that it won’t work for us so it is terrifying. Hopefully you will be going through exactly what I am in a few weeks! X

      Like

  21. flatwhitetogo85

    I can only imagine how anxious you must still feel. I know how I felt and I only went through a tiny fraction of what you have been through (we didn’t have over a decade of trying, a miscarriage or IVF). I didn’t dare to let myself believe that the pregnancy could actually end ok and I refused to let anything about my pregnancy be put on social media until he was actually safely here. Unbelievably, some people have been difficult about the fact we didn’t tell them I was pregnant or that I didn’t put updates on Facebook. WTF! Since when does a pregnancy need to be played out on social media? When we have tried to explain to them that we had a lot of anxiety about things not working out, they simply could not understand our fears at all.

    Just deal with the pregnancy in a way that suits you best and keeps any anxiety as low as possible (sadly it will be there until B is safely out!). Ignore all the obnoxious pregnancy updates on social media and definitely ignore the people who complain about pregnancy! They’re lucky not to share your fears and to have nothing but excitement, but when* your baby comes you will probably be much more grateful than them and won’t stress about the silly unimportant small stuff.

    x x x

    * Sorry for saying “when”, I just can’t bring myself to say “when/if” to you!

    Like

    • Nara

      Oh they’re such idiots, aren’t they? What a load of rubbish. You have no obligation to tell anyone. I’m still feeling angry about C finding out about the pregnancy. It seems so stupid but I really didn’t want her to know. I’m sure things will be okay! I mean statistically it should be fine! Just feels a bit weird still. Especially with the bloody massive bump! Ha! X

      Like

  22. stealingnectar

    This. I love this. I understand this. And, I am so excited for the next step for you. I am living my miracle and it’s the sweetest. I absolutely know you will feel the same way immediately. Much, much love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Pingback: Confidence – NICOLE.YL.
  24. Pingback: NaBloPoMo roundup | From zero to zygote
  25. Sara Walters

    “I worry for them that they don’t know the risks.” Totally feel this. After we lost a baby, I was very skeptical of early pregnancy announcements. I didn’t want anyone to feel the same heartache.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. myperfectentropy

    I hope the best for you! I understand everything that you explained in the post. I am 10 weeks pregnant right now and I am scare to believe that is true just in case that something happen. My family keeps asking me if they can tell people, and I am so angry, because I have not have even my first scan!! I just want to know if my baby’s heart beats.
    Wise post. Lots of love xxx

    Like

    • Nara

      I’m sorry you are still in the waiting game. I have had some good news – I gave birth to a healthy baby boy two weeks ago. I hope that everything goes well with your first scan. I know it’s a difficult time for you right now and wishing you all the best. xx

      Liked by 1 person

Tell us your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s