My sister is PUPO! Her frosty defrosted and she had the transfer today. I feel nervous on her behalf, and also really quite strange because I feel like the further along I get in the pregnancy, the more weird it feels to think that I might be moving into a different stage of my life. Motherhood. Parenthood.
We are picking up our car on Monday. There’s a joke that everyone get a big car when they have a kid. We had been thinking about it for a while, since we moved and got a parking space (gold dust in London!) and it kind of coincided with imminent B arrival. But really it’s partly about Dog as we want to take him to the parks, and we don’t need a car but it’s nice to have one now that we live closer to the outskirts, and it took a few months after buying our new house (apartment! Tiny shoebox!) to save up enough to sort out the car. Anyway. That seems like a weird, grown up stage of life we’re moving into. And I’m not sure I am ready for that identity yet.
For a long time my identity has been Childless. And even now, more than 3/4 of the way through this pregnancy, I still feel like I identify more with Childless, Infertile, Loss, than I do with Big Pregnancy Bump, Imminent Parenthood, and so on. It is really hard to explain. It’s like… I’ve followed infertility blogs and I’ve rooted for people, shared their pain at failed procedures, and their joy at getting pregnant, and I’ve watched how some people gradually pass into parenthood and drift off, or become “mommy bloggers”, and I am sure that’s inevitable but I still don’t know what my next stage is.
I am still hopeful for my sister. I know either way that it will be so hard for her to watch me – the perma-infertile – have a kid. And part of me is still petrified that something will go wrong with the birth or the pregnancy and I won’t end up with one. For some reason I keep seeing stories about stillbirths and it just freaks me out. I don’t know how it can be prevented – I sleep on the side I’m meant to sleep on, mainly, and I don’t smoke or drink and I’m relatively healthy. It just totally freaks me out. But I know what I’m going through now is a whole world away from what my sister is going through. The Two Week Wait. The desperate hope.
I don’t even know what I’m hoping for on her behalf because everything is a milestone and I remember just hoping for tiny fragments at a time. Like the first hope is a positive pregnancy test. And the second hope is a pregnancy that lasts until the early scan. And the next hope is the 12 week scan without going completely crazy… Although I think I might have had another private scan in between. This is what I mean… Already I feel I’m passing into this other world of not remembering the pain and desperation quite as well as I lived it before, whereas my poor sister is only entering into her two weeks of hell. Followed by the milestone counting, the hurdle jumping. (I always was terrible at sports.)
I’m not sure what to do other than hope for her, and send her random messages encouraging her without putting an obligation on her to reply. I guess that’s the TWW for you. It sucks. And there’s either another layer of the parcel to unwrap at the end, or you realise you weren’t playing pass the parcel after all…
Tomorrow I have my delayed (as a result of their screw up!) appointment with the gestational diabetes nurse, to find out what is wrong with me, what my results were and whether I have to take any evasive action other than diet. (Urgh.) As you can maybe imagine, adding food confusion to pregnancy cravings/aversions has not really helped! I’m not sure what I’m meant to be doing, but I have assumed they’ll tell me and it can’t have been that urgent if they waited until 3 weeks after the test to explain the results!
I still keep having WTF?! moments where I think This cannot be happening. I’m not sure I really believe I’m pregnant, but I must be. I have a big bump. It’s definitely baby rather than fat. (I just looked fat for a long time!) And my sis being PUPO could be an amazing thing – if B’s cousin follows closely behind – or a really sad thing, depending on what the outcome is. I know that it would be so hard for her if it doesn’t work out because I can remember exactly what the pain felt like last year. And it scares me a bit, selfishly, because we are pretty close now and I want B to know her.
Not sure if I screwed up with the timing, but I got the DNA tests through the mail. I mentioned in a previous post that an adoptee group I am in donated the money to buy one of them for me. (I was so moved by this. I still am.) And when I ordered them, I also ordered one for her. So I put it in the post this week. She hasn’t mentioned it at all… but maybe she has other things on her mind. Or maybe I’ve overloaded her with too much potential information. Agh. I still have the test sitting on the table and I haven’t opened the box yet. It’s a bit like my birth certificate… I know where it is, and I know I could kick off the search for my birth mother, and yet I haven’t… I guess the idea of a potential baby makes you question your identity.
And B, well he’s just kicking away merrily. T read the end of our story to him the other night, and I’m pretty sure he recognises his dad’s voice as he kicks away when he gets talked to. It’s very odd. As soon as T tries to feel the kicks, B will stop! I’m wondering if he will recognise Dog’s voice too? He now has a pattern of kicks where he doesn’t kick that much in the morning (probably still asleep like his mama) and gradually perks up at lunchtime, afternoon and evening. It’s a surreal experience to have an actual human inside you, kicking you from the inside.
I really hope my sister can experience this too. I hope this week is only the beginning for her.
Every single step of this pregnancy is something I never thought I’d experience. And I’m grateful.