Between worlds

Feeling somewhat bruised today after a culmination of a number of things and I realise that this process bruises us all. And I’m sad that the outcome of that is a lot of sadness and anger. Mainly anger. 

I think the main point is this: Pregnancy after loss shoots you into a whole new domain of feelings, and suddenly you have a foot in each world – one still in the world of infertility, with those still struggling angry at you for being “okay”; and one in the world of pregnancy, where you feel like an imposter and you never quite get rid of the fear of history repeating itself and of reverting to being your childless self. 

I feel stuck between those worlds now. For example I’ve tried to carry on blogging and not being one of those people who stops being supportive just because I’m “okay”. 

(Thing is, I’m not okay. I’ll never be a normal pregnant woman because I’ll never take it for granted, and no matter how far everything goes, I’m still worried about loss. I have a new set of worries now and of course they have calmed a bit because it’s possible to acknowledge a pregnancy after a certain stage. But they are still very real. I’m not a complacent optimistic pregnant woman and I haven’t announced it on social media or told people I don’t see, because part of me still worries that it won’t happen and something will go wrong.)

But I’ve become really aware of how continuing to comment on people’s blogs might not be helping and supportive as I intended it to be. That for some people who are struggling to get pregnant, or are newly pregnant after infertility or loss, the fact of someone else being pregnant – even after their own infertility and loss – is not encouraging, and just makes them feel bad. 

I have tried to be empathetic and supportive but maybe I just need to realise that there’s a certain stage of hell that infertile/newly pregnant after loss people are suffering in and that trying to be there for them whilst I am heavily pregnant is hugely triggering. And not just in blogland but real life, too. 

It’s a weird feeling to be classed as someone who’s crossed over to being the subject of people’s anger for being pregnant. Because I was always the non-pregnant one, the infertile, the non-parent. It’s an identity I don’t feel fits, and yet here I am with a bump, causing pain to people in the same situation I was in for so many years. 

It’s ironic because I still feel at 34 weeks like I can’t comfortably accept congratulations on my pregnancy or feel completely comfortable answering questions. I have stock answers but I don’t want to tempt fate by expecting everything is going to be okay, even if it seems that way to everyone else and there are people thinking, “It’s okay for you”, just as I did about others in previous times. 

The big news is that I’ve known for a while now that my sister is pregnant. She had a very similar situation to mine last year where they did IVF and it resulted in a first ever pregnancy followed by miscarriage. I told her about the immune therapy we had and she ended up going to see the same doctor, and getting a slightly different diagnosis. 

They decided to move forward with immune treatment alongside the “natural” cycles and then they decided to transfer their remaining frosty from their first cycle. (The difference for us was that cycle 2 was a fresh cycle as I didn’t create enough eggs / we didn’t have enough embryos of any quality to freeze any – on either cycle.) And now a few months later she has tested after the two week wait and she’s pregnant. 

Of course I’m thrilled for them. And I can also understand how she must be feeling because I felt something like that too. The sheer all encompassing fear of getting positive pregnancy tests but before any scans. And even after scans in our case – as we had a first scan and heartbeat last time. I know I went a bit mad during that time, and truth be told, my mind only started to calm down slightly around the 20 week mark, which is a long way away for her. 

And right now her sister – the one she could always depend on as being equally infertile – is heavily pregnant. I’ve been really conscious of how awful this must be for her even though I know she’s happy for me in her own way. I know how I felt when my brother’s wife had his baby whilst we were on our post-baby-loss-moon. It’s hard to deal with. 

My sister has reacted a lot like I did. She is angry at everyone. She’s angry at her partner for being happy, for “not doing enough” and for not being able to read her mind. She’s angry at women at work who are pregnant or who have children – or even who are happy and chatty and not in a state of upset like she is. She told me she even moved desks to get away from them because they were “too happy”. She’s angry at my parents for asking how she is and offering support. I’m sure she’s angry at me for being pregnant. 

She called me the other day because she was feeling so bad about everything and I did my best to reassure her that what she was feeling was normal. She has always been a lot more highly strung than I have, and if I think how crazy I felt, I would expect her to feel a lot worse. I have already written at how I feel about pregnancy after loss (How not to react when someone congratulates you on being pregnant). It has taken me a long time even to talk as if I’m not constantly waiting for loss – even if the thoughts still creep in. 

I tried to reassure her that everything she was feeling was valid. I shared my experience of feeling angry and resentful that I couldn’t enjoy this pregnancy for months, and why I still worry. And we talked for a long time, and she was upset and angry and I don’t know how much I helped. I feel like during that time of waiting, you almost can’t say the right thing. The person who is pregnant after loss is going to be afraid, and angry, and I don’t think there’s much anyone can say to allay it. 

So I don’t know how to navigate this. It’s like I’ve been given a role I didn’t ask for and suddenly I’m the oppressor rather than the oppressed. I don’t belong any more in the infertility world, with my big bump triggering people. And I’m not a parent either. 

I don’t want to be one of the people causing pain to others. But equally, I feel like it’s not the pain Olympics but I still kind of think… Surely we have gained the right after everything we have been through to begin to hope we might have a successful pregnancy, eventually.

When I wasn’t pregnant and I had unexplained infertility and other things, I looked for hope. And when I miscarried our baby after our first cycle of IVF, I felt desolate – but the worst feeling was hopelessness. So I always searched for it. When people who’d known similar struggles got pregnant, I was happy for them because it gave me hope that there might still be something for me. (One of the first people I ever followed now has a real life baby who is about one year old, and I’m so happy for her!) When we went through cycle 2, I kept one blogfriend in mind who had a successful second cycle. I tried to believe in hope. 

But I don’t want to be that source of pain if I can help it. Particularly if I can help it – I can’t help seeing my sister, but I can help commenting on people’s blogs and inadvertently causing them pain. I really do not want to do that. I’ve had over a decade of that and I don’t want to be that person to someone. 

So I’m going to take a break from commenting on infertility blogs, unless I’m really sure that they want to engage (e.g. If they comment on mine and we “know” each other). I have always had a policy of trying to engage with blogs I follow (often as a result of them following me) but in some cases I can’t be sure, and I don’t want to hurt people by commenting if I am doing more harm than good. 

I’m in a risky kind of place right now because I want to talk about my own experiences and fears and I’ve moved on a few months from that place of going through IVF and immune stuff so it’s maybe not appropriate to comment on people’s blogs who are still going through that. 

I have had a whole day full of people being angry today and it’s making me feel  fairly wretched. I wonder if there is some effect of the moon or something. There is too much pain and anger in the world today, and I’m not dealing with it well. I’ve also been wondering lately if there is such a thing as pre-natal depression or pre-baby blues or whatever. Because I feel like I’m taking stuff to heart and feeling teary when the old me would just have brushed it off. (Old me is one kick ass b*tch. Current me is blancmange.)

More than anything this week I think I need a break. 

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43 comments

  1. MrsKirstyHoll

    So happy for your sisters news xx fingers crossed for a healthy journey through pregnancy xx I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling in such a fantastic space. It must be so difficult not being able to be fully confident in your pregnancy so close to the end xxx but we’ll both be fine and our babies will be fine xx we’re so nearlly there xxx just look after yourself for the next few weeks

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  2. theskyandback

    Congrats to your sister! That is amazing news. And the best thing you can do is listen, which you are already doing. It’s great that you can be a sounding board for her fears and anger. I know it’s a personal preference, but when I was going through infertility and loss, I always liked when pregnant people commented on my posts because it gave me hope. And I do believe pre-natal depression is real–pretty sure I had it! Xoxo.

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  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    I am thrilled for your sister and am sending all kinds of sticky, healthy baby wishes to her!!
    And I am impressed by your compassion for others still actively in the infertility struggle – it’s so darn hard no matter what the exact struggle. And I’m a bit like the sky and back, being surrounded by people who found their way to pregnancy and a baby always offered me inspiration and hope. And those were two things I always needed in my life. Anyways, I say do whatever you are most comfortable with when it comes to commenting. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you! I’ve tried not to hassle her as I remember what it was like being asked for updates and stuff. I think the problem is it’s so personal how people want to deal with things. I really did like hearing about people who it had worked out for. But some people don’t. I think I’ve been a bit down the past week, not sure why, but off for Christmas holidays as of this eve so things are looking up!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Amy M.

    So happy for your sister, and I truly hope that things go well for her and baby throughout the pregnancy. I’ve been wondering about her, but didn’t want to seem nosy and ask!
    As for everything else…this whole world of IF is a complete mind%&$@$&, as someone was so kind to remind me after I wrote my last post on how messed up my brain is lately in regards to my daughter. Once you’ve been cast into this world, there are no easy answers anymore. You always feel out of place, no matter where you are on your journey. You always feel like you will make someone uncomfortable or upset by something you say, no matter what your intentions. I’ve dealt with this by simply continuing to be myself…I still try to give words of encouragement to those who need it, try to offer compassion and understanding and support. Because no matter where THEY are on their journey, odds are if they are writing/talking about something, it’s because they are looking for that from others. So don’t change who you are, if you feel you want to be there for someone then you should be. Beyond that…I know that I myself got very emotional/sensitive near the end of my pregnancy. So try not to worry about that part of things…I think it’s pretty typical. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thanks! Yes I’m really happy for her too, though trying not to say anything as I don’t want her to feel hassled right now. I am thinking her first scan must be soon!
      You’re totally right that infertility is a mind****. I kind of wish that I could’ve remained blissfully unaware! I’m glad to hear the emotional bit is normal, haha! Been feeling pretty bad this past week but feeling better now I’m off for the Christmas hols!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. stealingnectar

    Awww, so much of this…I totally understand! I have a REAL, BREATHING baby and I still feel like I am caught in the two worlds. I enjoyed reading your thoughts and feelings as they feel very familiar. And, a huge congrats to your sister. I will be thinking of her and wishing her the very best. I truly hope you both get the cutest babies in all of the U.K. Much love and big hugs to you and an extra kiss for your belly. 🙂

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    • Nara

      Thank you. It’s really weird. I’ve definitely felt very down this past week. I’m not sure if that’s just hormones or something. I think also because of my siblings having some stuff going on, I feel bad for them and I don’t feel like I can really celebrate, if you know what I mean. I’ve had a rough week but feeling a bit better as it’s my last day in the office! X

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      • stealingnectar

        Glad you had your last office day! Depression in pregnancy is super normal! I didn’t have it but it is very common…not saying you are depressed, but down feelings are typical with your hormones going all over the place! Hugs sent your way! You are almost there! I am sure your siblings understand you have a lot going on with your body and in your mind…your life is about to change in a big way! Try not to worry and concentrate on keeping yourself relaxed. Lots of love to you as you round the last bit of this pregnancy journey!

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  6. ramblesandstruggles

    That is great news about your sister 🙂 I can imagine it must be so hard to be in your positions in terms of feeling, because you’ve seen it from both sides. Anyone who has read your blogs or has some experience with the infertility world would know you’re not ‘okay’, after everything you have been through.

    Honestly I personally struggle with pregnancy at the moment (but I’m only 3 months post miscarriage) but please know that each time you take the time to read one of my blogs and even comment – this has been hugely helpful because you’ve seen the struggle and felt the loss – in my opinion it’s never not appropriate.

    Please don’t take any of the anger personally on here – there’s no right or wrong way to write or respond. No one expects you to have all the answers or even know how to handle any of this – I guess that’s why we’re all on here.

    Sending positive thoughts to you and your little one growing xxx

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    • Nara

      Thank you. I really appreciate it! I haven’t written anything for a while because I’ve been in a bit of a funk and haven’t known what to say. But have finished for the christmas holidays now so I’m beginning to feel a bit better. I think I’m just struggling to know what to say right now. I need to go catch up on everyone else’s blogs! Hope you’re having a good holiday season. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Dubliner in Deutschland

    I’m happy for your sister but I also feel sad for her that she is finding it all so hard at the moment. I hope that she will get more reassurance as time goes by and be able to relax a bit more and not lash out in anger at people around her who mean well. It sounds like a therapy session could help her deal with her feelings so maybe someone could suggest that to her. You sound like a really good sister and doing your best.
    I can only speak for myself as someone still in the infertility trenches but I have always found all your comments supportive and stories like yours give me hope! I think it’s nice when people who get to the other side don’t forget about the rest of us still going through it and still share their support. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ooh ooh I saw you had the transfer! I am thinking lots of hopeful thoughts for you! (As per usual I can’t get the G-D comments to post on your blog.) I have been off WP for a bit lately as didn’t really know what to write. I think I’ve been a bit down the past week or so, but coming out of it now that I’m on christmas hols. I think it may be the hormones or something. Apparently it’s normal! Maybe I need to eat more chocolate, she says hopefully…

      I saw you get bored during intralipids… I always used to fall asleep! 🙂 And mine took ages too. I think I have really thin veins or something. Also had the steroid weight gain – I think it just happens, but you can lose it after. Also try not to worry too much about the number of fertilised eggs (I know, easier said than done). I only ever had one. I hope this is it for you! Wishing you lots of luck! Xx

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  8. thegreatpuddingclubhunt

    That is great news about your sister!!! I’ve been thinking she might be pregnant because you didn’t say otherwise! Does she have a good support IF network other than you? I mean, after everything the transition is very hard, it’s not something we are well prepared for and as much as you can offer her an ear sometimes it helps to have the ear of others that get it too?
    As for commenting on other IF blogs, I can understand how you feel. Personally when ladies who were pregnant commented on my blog posts I never thought about their ‘status’, just about how their experiences helped me through mine. But maybe I see things differently and less sensitive in that way! Sure I didn’t always read their blog posts when I was having tough days, but I loved the inspiration when it was right. Having said all that if you don’t feel comfortable commenting then you shouldn’t feel bad about that! You are very kind to be so thoughtful 😊
    I just joined a Facebook group for IF bloggers and this exact topic came up the other day. I think many feel like you!

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    • Nara

      Hello! I’ve been off WP for a bit as I didn’t really know what to say. I’ve been kind of down lately but I think I’m coming out of it. Breaking up for the christmas holidays helps! Btw I say option 3 is a good one! 🙂 I hope all is going great with you. I keep wondering if Rocky will rock up early! A friend of mine from school’s baby was due 2 weeks after us and arrived a couple of days ago – eek! Exciting, but we are nowhere near ready!

      My sister doesn’t really do online stuff much. So I would say she doesn’t really have a support network. I have tried to be as supportive as possible without intruding – I know I got stressed when people would ask me, so I’ve deliberately avoided asking her. Anyway they had their first scan and all was fine so that’s a good sign. I know what it’s like to worry still, though, and she is waaaay more neurotic than I am! I’m hoping the time to the next scan passes quickly! But experience tells me it doesn’t!

      As for commenting on other blogs, I’ve been off for a while and I’ll probably restrict it for a bit. I think it’s hard to be supportive vs inadvertently rubbing people’s faces in it, and I really don’t want to do that. Especially as I don’t feel home and hosed myself! It’s just a strange transition…

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  9. flatwhitetogo85

    I’m so pleased for your sister. I really hope her pregnancy is successful and she delivers a healthy baby. My gosh she’s got a long, anxious journey ahead of her! I really hope she feels she can turn to you for support.

    The blogging question regarding those still going through infertility is so hard. When I fell pregnant and for the first few months I carried on commenting on a few blogs that I follow, because those ladies had helped me so much when I was struggling and as they had been such a huge source of support I wanted to continue to support them back. I was also keen to show that I hadn’t just forgotten them and what they’re going through the minute I got lucky (how do some ex-infertiles post so many insensitive Facebook updates?! and how can they be so damned confident that things will be ok?!). I found that quite a few ladies stopped responding to my comments. I don’t know if that’s because it was difficult to deal with my pregnancy and the related updates, or whether I’m just a cr@ppy person and lousy blogger, but sometimes people just need a bit of distance for various reasons. It’s hard though because you start to care a lot about certain bloggers, even if you’ve never met them in real life!

    x x x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Yeah, I think it is just like that. I’m sort of going through that transition at the moment and I don’t want people to feel like I am rubbing their faces in it or whatever. I think sometimes encouragement can be taken in the wrong way as well. Everyone reacts differently. I used to find it helpful to hear from people who’d been through it and had a positive outcome. But I think it varies. Also maybe depends on what someone’s experience is – certain things can be triggering. I know I always felt massively triggered by certain phrases and still do in a way! Probably also all the hormones rushing around, turning me into a psycho, haha! Xx

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  10. whymeivf

    How interesting, I had not considered that my comments on others blogs might be causing pain, I sincerely hope not. So stoked about your sister. What about telling her what you have written here, that you really want to be supportive to her but if your roles were reversed you know that there is not much you can say that will make her feel better.

    Good luck with your birth too! I think it is great that you have your options planned out…. sounds like the end of pregnancy is another waiting ‘mind’ game – aaargh what is it with these ?ww’s – not looking forward to that!!

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    • Nara

      Yeah, my sister doesn’t really do online and this blog is meant to be anonymous so I definitely don’t want lots of people who know me to be reading it! A few do but not many! 🙂 Anyway she has had some good news, that the first hurdle has been jumped, so that’s great (first scan was okay). Everything about pregnancy is a waiting game I think! I think it’s just something we have to accept and work through in our own ways. X

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  11. searchingforarainbowblog

    I can completely imagine how you must feel, torn between these two worlds. We need to see some positive results from all this infertility stuff, so in many ways your success is proof that persistence can pay off, and so you are an inspiration in many ways. I for one am very pleased for you and appreciate your compassion x

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  12. EmilyMaine

    It is so normal to feel emotional towards the end of pregnancy. I teared up at the drop of a hat it seemed! It is very considerate of you to consider the other bloggers out there and where they might be at. Wishing your sis a speedy first trimester. It is such a difficult zone.

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    • Nara

      Thank you. I have some good news from my sis – she had a positive first scan, so hopefully the good news will keep coming. I’ve been off WP for a bit, as I didn’t really know what to say, and I’ve been in a bit of a funk but I am coming out of it (hopefully). I assume it’s the hormones! Agh! I hope that they calm down and I can be back to my hard unfeeling self! 🙂 x

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  13. RJ

    I’m so happy for your sister! It’s so hard to navigate situations especially when you’ve been there but have moved past it. It’s not like you forget those feelings and you can still relate to how others are coping with wherever they are in their journey. But you bring up a good point that we cannot know how our support is taken by others. I too always looked for that hope, even after my first miscarriage and not knowing that anything was wrong and just thinking it was bad luck. I had no idea I would be on the wrong side of the statistics in so many ways (recurrent miscarriage, unicornuate uterus, DOR, IUGR) and seeing others succeed that had also gone through their own personal hell gave me hope that I would someday have a child, however that child came to be. I think people who blog about these things do it because it feels good to get the feelings out, to tell their story, and also to get support and love from people who have been there or are there in the thick of it. But as others above have said, you do what is right feeling for you! Best wishes. You are an incredible person.

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    • Nara

      Thank you for your support. I am glad that there are people like you out there! Definitely I was the same as you – looking for hope. I think it’s cathartic to work through those feelings by blogging, too. I have been off WP for a bit though as didn’t really know what to say, and have also been a bit down lately, which I attribute to the hormones. It’s weird. Others have said they felt the same at around the same time, so maybe it’s a natural thing. I’m feeling better now I’m on holiday for Christmas! Still nowhere near prepared though. I hope all is well with you and you’re enjoying the holiday preps! 🙂 x

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  14. mamajo23

    I was in a similar situation with my twin sis We both went through four failed IVF cycles before I got pregnant with my miracle toddler then when I was 6 months pregnant she finally got a positive test. I shelteredher as best I could (no baby shower, told my family not to talk about it in front of her etc). While I know she wanted me to be pregnant as much as she wanted herself to be– it was hard for those many months. We have always shared everything and I felt so much guilt. The good news is– we now have miracle babies around the same age. I guess my point is, sometimes the real hard and crap phases lead to the truly beautiful ones. I am pretty hopeful that is the case for you and your sis. Xoxo

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    • Nara

      Thank you! The good news is, my sis had a positive first scan. So she’s now 7 weeks pregnant. It seems crazy to think that – hoping everything goes well – our kids will be in the same school year. I mean it feels like she is way behind me and we have been through so much separately, but really she’d be about 7 months (or maybe 6 and a bit? I’m terrible at maths!) behind me. So although they’re very separate journeys, it seems like it might work out that we are really close. I’m really glad you and your sis were close too! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  15. wonkygenes

    Hey there, I haven’t been on here properly for ages. So sorry for the radio silence. Congrats for your sister! And you are so close now!! Exciting! (in fact I’m sure that’s not helping the feeling of ‘in between-ness’ at the moment).
    From the point of view of a still infertile person I can understand some triggers from pregnant bloggers that set unpregnant bloggers off. And though I can’t talk on behalf of all the non pregnant people I am sure thatthe unpregnant bloggers are not meaning it personally to you…they are just seeing their blog reader change from infertility blogs to pregnancy blogs and so the place that the blogger thought was ‘safe’ (ie infertility blogger land) becomes like the rest of life. Does that make sense? (sorry if I haven’t explained it very well).
    I needed to take a break from everything fertility related and have only just got back on after going AWOL in August. This was much needed, to build up some emotional resilience again (i.e. have some fun again and get a balance back). We’re now in the midst of a donor egg IVF cycle (got fertilisation results today and waiting until thursday for no of embryos to be frozen to hopefully do FET with next year). So I’d still love you to comment on my blog but absolutely no worries if you don’t want to. Just be kind to yourself and don’t worry what other people think. Sending hugs XXX

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    • Nara

      Hi there! I’m glad you are back and I hope the break helped you regroup. I can really understand what you mean. I know when I first started blogging, I went through cycle 1 “with” a bunch of bloggers and then they all ended up getting pregnant and carrying to term and I felt a bit left behind. But… I sort of found that hopeful, in a way, too. I think it depends on how they end up blogging – I don’t really follow many mummy bloggers (ex infertility bloggers) as it generally doesn’t interest me! I’m a terrible person! So I can see why people keep their followship to subjects that interest them. I really hope that you have a great christmas break and a brilliant 2017! X

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Disorderly Love

    First of all, ALL of this: “Pregnancy after loss shoots you into a whole new domain of feelings, and suddenly you have a foot in each world – one still in the world of infertility, with those still struggling angry at you for being “okay”; and one in the world of pregnancy, where you feel like an imposter and you never quite get rid of the fear of history repeating itself and of reverting to being your childless self.”
    Second, as you can imagine & I’ve talked about myself, I feel the same and relate to you so much right now. I turned 16 weeks yesterday & I’m still soooooo paranoid & waiting for the shoe to drop so to speak.
    Last, I have also been struggling with wondering if I may be hurting others. I have, however, experienced quite the opposite. It was a big fear as I know how bumps and the like can be triggering but several people have newly commented who follow me on IG telling me that my story gives them hope. However, I do think every person is in their OWN stage of infertility at any given time & those stages come & go depending on what they’re going through at the time.
    I think it’s good for you to try to be supportive & a provider of hope. Just try to remember those who don’t respond positively may be in a bad stage right now. It’s not you ❤ xoxoxo

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    • Nara

      Thank you. I think we feel similarly. It’s tough to know how to react to this as it’s a completely new world for us. I have stayed off for a bit because I didn’t know entirely what to say, but I guess we all have our own stories. I’m glad that you are getting a positive reaction on IG! I am on there but I see my blog as a different, more open space because it is sort of anonymous. I haven’t posted anything about the pregnancy on any social media other than this, and a few people have almost let the cat out of the bag but I deleted their comments! I’m still a bit paranoid about it. But I did start feeling a lot better around 20 weeks (as I thought that’s halfway through and I had an actual bump!), so hopefully you will start feeling better soon, too! I am so happy for you! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  17. GeeksTravelInJapan

    I’m happy for you. I can only speak for myself (someone who both miscarried in the second term and has suffered through years of infertility) that any comments I’ve received from you or anyone in your shoes have only made me happy.

    Another person’s fortune does not trigger me. In fact, it makes me more hopeful that success is possible. It may never happen, but I’d rather have hope.

    Good luck to you. Best wishes and all my love to you and your family.

    Like

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