Feeling strangely fine

Showing my age as a “geriatric mother” with that title, but when I was thinking about how to sum up this blog post, those were the words that sprang to mind.

 

Today I am 39 weeks pregnant. Which is a sentence I never thought I’d say. We are now out of the waiting game and into the OMG IT COULD HAPPEN ANY TIME game. In part, I feel completely unprepared and in part I feel pretty zen. I think a large part of feeling okay with all the various things that could or might or maybe are going to happen is I feel insanely grateful to be pregnant and to possibly be in the home stretch of actually having a baby. It’s hard to describe because I had 16 years of always being the one without the baby. So yeah, I always have in the back of my mind that the aches and pains and inconveniences are a means of my body doing something that I never thought I’d ever have the opportunity to do.
 
After the last blog post where I had a mini meltdown about last minute changes of birth plan, I have done a bit of Jedi mind trickage and I think I am pretty okay with it. This is partly because I had a meeting with my midwife L (the amazing Best Midwife In The World) and we talked through everything and agreed it. Long story short, I had meetings with various medical professionals prior to L – the diabetic midwives (“Computer says no”), the diabetologist (“I agree, I don’t think you are diabetic as such – if you weren’t pregnant, we’d say you had signs of being pre-diabetic”) and the diabetic obstetrician (“I can completely understand why you don’t think you’re diabetic – I think you’re low risk and I don’t think you need continuous monitoring during birth”).
 
Basically, the diabetic doctor said I was fine for the birth centre. And then I saw L and she said unless I was actually categorically not diabetic, she wouldn’t feel comfortable with me not having the monitoring… and then she brought in my original doctor, who deals with high risk patients, and he said he really recommended I had continuous monitoring because of XYZ “soft risk factors” and I thought, well I’ve pushed back, got a diabetic doc to agree I probably don’t have diabetes, and they still want me to be monitored, so maybe I should just accept it.
 
So I have. It sounds a bit like another U turn but there you have it – I’m the master of U turns and mind tricks; I just need a few days to get my head around things. I am disappointed for sure that I won’t get to give birth in the birth centre, but ultimately the important thing is that B gets here safely. And if the head midwife and high risk doc would prefer it if I’m continuously monitored then I need to go with that. I mean for all I know, my zen birth could end up being an emergency caesarian. Also, both of them (L and high risk doc) were very respectful of my wishes and said that they’d allow me to use the birthing pool etc and suggested we do the lights and music and whatnot so ultimately it will be as similar as possible to the birth centre, just in a more hospital-like room with less nice furniture and decor. (I guess I would have felt better about the whole thing if I’d never have seen the birth centre! Ha.)
 
In other news, the annoying one from my NCT group had her baby! Which is actually good news because she was seeing my midwife (a late referral due to her general cray cray-ness) and I had a concern that I’d end up going into labour and find out that L was delivering her baby instead of mine! Anyway, she seems completely happy about it and so maybe this is a sign that she will be chilled out from now on. She was probably getting to me because (apart from the strange borderline stalky behaviour) she was always so down about everything to do with pregnancy. And given my history, I just didn’t want to be around someone who constantly whinged about pregnancy and was so obviously scared of childbirth. It turns out that she is one of those “OMG it was fine, I forgot all the pain!” people so I’m hoping that this bodes well for future interactions! Which I’ll still be limiting until she proves not to be a stalking psycho!
 
I’m now on hospital bag v2, which means I brought it back up from the car and repacked it with some additional stuff. I’m feeling pretty prepped in that way, although I still feel if there were a way to smuggle Dog into the delivery suite then I’d feel a lot better about everything! Poor little thing. I’ve been working from home this week and told him many times that he’s still my #1 dog, and always will be my first boy. Although I’m going to have to get out of the habit of calling him “My best boy” which is what I usually call him. Bless him. I am sure he won’t know what hit him. We keep having long lie ins together now that I am working from home (*cough cough*) and so I’m not sure how he’ll take to some screaming baby. But… I’m comforted by the fact that he loves most humans, and especially males! I’m hoping they turn into the best of buddies.
 
We also constructed the cot, by which I mean, T built it and Dog and I watched. It is the Snuzpod which is very cute. It’s meant to last until 6 months. T’s parents bought it for us, which is nice. It’s a bedside sleeper if you want it to be, although it’s not attached to the bed right now – I’ll probably attach it. It’s right by my side of the bed which is quite odd as when I turn on that side I’m just staring at it and thinking, wowsers, there might be a little person in there in a while. T told me last night, OMG, it could happen in the next week!! What a thought!
 
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I had a rather large sense of achievement over this – although putting a fitted sheet on a tiny mattress is significantly harder than it looks!

 
We also tried out the sling which it turns out is a bit more complicated than I first thought. I’m hoping it becomes more obvious when you’re trying it with a baby and not a dog! Dog was not particularly impressed but it’s nice to realise it fits him!
 
It’s my last day of work today – although I’ve been working from home for the whole new year. Unfortunately yesterday we had a bunch of bad news landed on my account which is really annoying and probably affects my bonus. Fortunately, I am leaving the account for four months (yay!) and won’t be thinking about work for a while (yay! yay!) and also I have not depended on my bonus for anything. I kind of don’t understand people who do, because it’s not guaranteed. But, it’s really disappointing because basically we were on track to meet our targets and now something outside of my control has completely screwed not just our December numbers but it’s so bad that it’s brought down the average for the entire year, which means we narrowly miss our target. It’s kind of aggravating and if I wasn’t going off, I’d probably be a bit more angry about it… but I’m hoping my boss will appreciate it was outside of my control. (It’s down to another team outside of the country – and I’ve already heard he gave them a huge b*llocking this morning after speaking with me – eek.)
 
My sister had her second scan and everything was fine! So I’m sooo hopeful that it’s going to work out. If everything goes according to plan with B’s arrival, his arrival will coincide roughly with her 12 week scan and whilst I know that everything is not hunky dory in people’s minds when they’ve experienced a loss, 12 weeks is a big milestone. I guess selfishly I want her to be able to celebrate B’s arrival and not feel terrible about it. In my more selfish moments I think, I don’t want her to be a downer because if everything goes right with hers, everyone will celebrate hers whereas my B will be overshadowed by other worries. But then I think that is completely selfish, and I know how bad I felt when my brother had his baby around the same time as we were getting over our loss, and I remember that pregnancy after loss is a screwed up mind**** and makes normally rational people go a bit irrational (and my sister isn’t even a normal level of anxious to start with!) so I need to let her do whatever she feels capable of doing. I sort of feel she has been supportive from afar (buying presents etc but avoiding me in person) which I can understand, but I’m hoping if they get past 12 weeks that she can start to feel better about things.
 
My brother has been having a hard time lately, and this is the one I’ve posted about before who nothing bad ever happens to. And what has happened is life changingly bad. I don’t really feel right posting about it just now in detail because I haven’t even spoken with him about it as he’s made it clear he’s not ready to discuss it. But it has made me feel a great deal of compassion for him, which is not something I am used to feeling about him. (It’s usually jealousy/resentment due to his perfect life.) Thing is, he has had the most amazing cushy easy life and of course I’ve envied him that. But what’s happened to his family (to do with his child’s health) is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. So I’m doing my best to be supportive and open, and although we haven’t talked about it at all, we had a good long Facetime session at Christmas and I feel hopeful that maybe B’s arrival will help us to build some bridges and strengthen our relationship. It’s not that we have a bad relationship – it’s just we aren’t overly close, and that’s probably both of our faults because I found it hard with the kids and he is a man, who makes almost zero effort to stay in touch! We like each other when we see each other but we are kind of casual texters when we really could make more effort to stay in touch. So I’m really hoping that 2017 brings some good news for them, and also that we can become closer during this year. (It already happened with my sister a few years ago – we went from hardly speaking to being pretty close, so it can happen!)
 
Another thing I’ve been wondering about is the blog. Like I see how it often happens in blogland, where people blog for a year or two or three about trying to have a baby. And then they have a baby and stop posting, or they have a baby and it turns into a “mom-blog”. I am really not sure how I feel about that. And I don’t think I’ll know until it happens. I have no previous experience of having a child to compare it with and although I can imagine it in the abstract, I have no idea what it’ll actually be like having a baby. (I keep talking with Dog about it but he doesn’t seem to have much insight!) I’m in that pre-baby state of mind where it seems within touching distance but my day to day emotional life is pretty much the same – I’m still childless, even though there are many indications that will change within the next week or two.
 
I initially set up my blog to talk about the IVF process, so in that sense I think it has been a good outlet for that experience. I’ve been through two IVF cycles and have no plans for any more. From my own perspective, I think it’s important to share the whole story, including the miscarriage from cycle 1 and the emotional recovery from that… and also, whilst thinking about infertility, my mind naturally wandered to adoption, because I’m adopted. So I’ve shared thoughts about that. And also I just blog when I have something on my mind even if it’s not related to either of those things. (Work, or friendship, I think.) It’s always been that sort of 3 category blog: Infertility, Adoption, and random thoughts. Also I have blogged out of the infertility into the pregnancy after loss. I realise that must be triggering to some people who start to follow an infertility blog and then it becomes a pregnancy blog, but equally I feel like my pregnancy came out of that infertility. So I understand that readership probably ebbs and flows over time.
 
So yeah, not sure what’s next. I guess I’ll know in a week or two when B is here. The main thing on my mind right now is hoping that he gets here safely. The rest is just cosmetic…
 
Excerpt from my first blog post:
So that’s what I’m going to tell you about. The journey. What it’s like and the thoughts and ideas I had about it. Maybe this will never be read by anyone. Or maybe, just maybe… in 15 years or so, when the mythology of his/her being is slipping into the mundane, I’ll knock on the door of my adolescent’s bedroom and I’ll say “There’s a story I have to tell you…” 
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39 comments

  1. Dubliner in Deutschland

    wow, can’t believe you’re 39 weeks already, feels like the time has flown. I hope all will go well for your sister at her 12 week scan. I’m really sorry to read about your brother and the hard time he is having. My brother and I aren’t very close, it probably doesn’t help that he lives so far away. I often feel like I just don’t know him that well, he can be very secretive! It was nice spending time with him around Christmas though. I hope you do keep blogging after the baby is born 🙂

    Like

    • Nara

      I’m glad you got to spend some Christmas time with your brother! I feel hopeful that I can improve my relationship with mine this year… I think before, we just didn’t make much effort, and we both need to make more of an effort this year. I do think family is important and I get on with mine, but we just sort of get caught up in our own lives and forget about the others! Sometimes it feels like I wake up and a few months have gone by! Anyway, I am keen to keep following your journey and I hope that this year will be an awesome one for you. X

      Like

  2. RJ

    I love that excerpt from your first post!!!!!

    I’ve been thinking about you a lot and am glad for an update. Also thankful that you’ve made peace with whatever type of delivery you are going to have…I think it helps going into it with a plan but also with knowing things may not go according to that plan.

    Great news about your sister and I hope things continue going her way!

    As for your brother, I am keeping him in my thoughts. Health problems with your child can be so stressful and scary (coming from my background as a pediatric RN) and I hope it’s not life threatening.

    GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

    P.S. I’ve been dying to comment on several of your posts but my WordPress account was giving me problems with commenting…it seems to be fixed now but I’ve been cheering you on from afar.

    Like

    • Nara

      Aww, wordpress seems a bit persnickety lately! I keep having weird times with notifications! I’m happy to hear from you! 🙂
      Yeah, I’m hopeful that this year will be a good year for me and my siblings. Fortunately the problem with my brother’s child does not seem to be life threatening. It is more of an unknown developmental problem. Just really awful for them to be dealing with. But there seems to be some improvement lately so we are all really hoping it is not as bad as we might have thought. I guess we are all just hoping that 2017 is better than 2016!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Amy M.

    I’m sorry your brother is dealing with something that heavy, and I’m happy that your sister is doing so well with the baby so far! I wish them both the best of luck in the coming months with everything.
    I’m also glad that you’ve come to terms with the newest change in your birth plans. I feel like no matter how much someone tries to plan out their labor or chooses to have this or that or the other…when it comes right down to it, that baby has to come out in whatever is the safest way possible to both mom and baby, and the Drs will (hopefully) do whatever it takes to have that happen. So many people told me to make a birth plan and stick to it, or that I would want this or should do that…but on that day, my body called the shots, and that was just how it was. My body told me what I needed, what that baby needed, and I just followed it’s lead. No matter what, you’ll be fine, and B will get here and that’s all that matters. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Yeah, you are so right! I am sure it’s something that just happens and then you deal with it! I’m glad that everything worked out for you and now you have your little cutie! Here’s hoping that everything goes relatively uneventful for mine… It seems surreal that it could happen any day now. I remember before Cadence was born how organised you were, and I don’t feel anything like that! Haha. We did put some clothes into the wardrobe tonight though, so that’s something! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Amy M.

        Well I’m a bit OCD…or a lot…so that helped! Plus mine was a planned induction, so we knew exactly when she was coming. That helped me plan as well. You will be fine!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. My Perfect Breakdown

    First, congrats on 39 weeks!! I am so excited that you are so close to meeting your little one!! 🙂 And I’m so glad that you sound much more okay with the type of delivery you are now expecting. I hope that your amazing midwife is able to make it feel less hospital-like for you! I cannot believe there is a very real chance your next post will be about the arrival of your little one! Wow!! 🙂
    I’m so sorry to hear that your brother is struggling right now. I find it so hard to sit by and know that someone I care for (even if the relationship isn’t perfect) is struggling. I hope things turn out okay for him and his family.
    And I’m also so very excited to hear that your sister is still pregnant and doing well, I so hope it continues for her! 🙂

    Like

    • My Perfect Breakdown

      Oh, and one more thing. As for what your blog will become, I think it’s important that it be whatever you want it to be. I knew writing was too important to me to stop once we have Baby MPB, so I kept writing. And, yes, some days are a little overly like a mommy blog. But then other days, are like today when I just have something on my mind and I need to write it out. Or other days when it’s still about how much our path to our son has impacted my life, and how much it impacts how we are raising him. I’m not saying what I’m doing is best (gosh, I’d never want to imply that what I’m doing is what others should do), but I guess I’m just sharing how I’ve made the change.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Nara

        I do think you have a good balance on your blog… I think it’s always been about processing your inner thoughts and quandaries so I don’t even feel like it has changed that much?! I don’t know how mine might change. I guess it depends how much time I have, and whether I have any thoughts to process, haha! I might just spend all my spare time asleep! I do really value having a personal space to think things through and express random thoughts, though. I guess I just can’t really see myself doing the whole mommy blog thing – but who knows? I might be unbearable! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

    • Nara

      Yeah that is crazy and surreal, isn’t it? I don’t feel like the baby is about to come though. It’s so strange to think it could be any day now! I have a gut feeling I might end up being induced though. Which would be 2 weeks away! Who knows? It’s all unknown territory now!
      I feel like I might have overstated any animosity with my brother… We are still close, but not as close as I am with my other siblings. I definitely always felt he had an easy life, but I now feel really bad for him that he’s dealing with this. I mean, it’s not like I was wishing for something to teach him a lesson! Especially not through his child. We’re hopeful that it’s not going to be as bad as they might have thought as we have seen some improvement lately. So here’s hoping. I think a lot of people had a tough 2016 so I feel like 2017 has to be better!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Marixsa

    Don’t disappear on us permanently after B’s arrival! Yours is one of the blogs that I actually ALWAYS read new posts on! And they’re well-written, too.

    The whole transition from infertility blog to mom blog is a toughie. They can be difficult to read sometimes for those of us still in the trenches. Well, depending on how they’re written… But anyway. Digression.

    Just keep taking it one day at a time. Happy (almost) due date! 🙂

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you! I always like to hear from you too! I think there are enough things whirling round my mind aside from anything fertility related, so we shall see. I still have a bunch of stuff to process around adoption, I think. So maybe more random thoughts! I hope that 2017 is treating you well so far. X

      Liked by 1 person

  6. notabroodychick

    Just wishing you lots of luck for when the big day comes! I think although you can’t use the birthing centre, if you have access to a pool then you can have the best of both worlds. I ended up in a delivery suite and not the maternity led unit, just due to availability, and in the end it was reassuring to know that where I was I could choose to have an epidural if I wanted. As it was of course I had no pain relief other than the pool. Anyway, I hope it all goes as smoothly and easily as possible for you and I am looking forward to hearing the birth announcement! If baby is LateI hope the next couple of weeks don’t drive you too mad. I certainly found it hard going overdue!

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  7. stealingnectar

    Thinking of you and your siblings too…but most of all this cute little guy that’s about ready to meet you properly! So much is happening for all of you! You might be happy to know Hollywood is really warming up to A now, so even if Dog gets a little left out in the beginning, you will all come back together soon. Just silly with excitement on hearing the news from you soon! Xx

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you! It is so great to know that Hollywood and A are becoming the best of friends. Although I feel like Dog and I are the best of friends… haha. He is more tolerant of me and all the harassment (kisses and cuddles) I give him!
      Not long to go now… It seems so surreal! X

      Liked by 1 person

  8. pinksnow78

    Ooh it’s so exciting that it’s so soon!!! I ended up being induced early cos of pre-eclampsia and needed monitoring throughout and the first thing I said was “I guess that means the water birth is out?”. But looking back, I really just wanted her out safe and sound and once labour started, I really didn’t care 😂So looking forward to hearing about B’s arrival and so glad everything is still going well for your sister. Hugs x x

    Like

    • Nara

      That’s good to hear. I do think people who haven’t given birth probably have no concept of what it’s like… I’m hearing from many people that I won’t care about the environment once labour starts! I’m glad that yours turned out well in the end despite the lack of water! I have birth pool in my plan but who knows if that will actually end up happening. (I’m mainly interested as I usually run out of hot water at home for a full bath, haha.) Thank you for your support! Xx

      Like

  9. EmilyMaine

    I love that excerpt from your first post. I never thought about my blog like that but I am sure we will tell BeeGeee her story one day, her journey to us.

    I am so so so very sorry to hear about your brother having some bad news in relation to his child’s health. That is just awful 😦

    Given everything that’s happened and all the changes etc I think you actually sound in a great place and that is awesome. Wishing you a textbook birth. Can’t wait to hear you are holding that baby in your arms. Xx

    Like

    • Nara

      Thanks so much. I’m hoping that everything we are worried about (esp wrt my bro’s kid) won’t be as bad as we think. The initial signs have shown some improvement so hopefully it will be a slight delay rather than anything awful. The important thing is it’s not life threatening and the rest of the family are all supporting him/them. It’s times like this I’m glad of my family!
      Well it’s pouring down outside here, and apparently we’re due some snow so I haven’t even been out since Dog’s morning walk. I hope B doesn’t come today otherwise it might be a bit miserable!
      Thanks so much for your support. Xx

      Like

  10. GeeksTravelInJapan

    Congrats on 39 weeks. *pops non-alcoholic champagne for the pregnant lady to drink*

    I’m so happy for you.

    I’m glad to hear you aren’t diabetic. My brother is a type 1 diabetic and it’s an awful disease.

    I can’t wait to hear of your beautiful child. 🙂

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you! Yes it was only ever gestational diabetes and apparently I have a very borderline case / if at all. The only thing that actually tested positive was the glucose tolerance test and it’s shown not to work so well in non-white people (I’m not white) so it remains to be seen if it develops. I know a few people who have diabetes and it’s a lot more to deal with – I haven’t had to take any insulin or metformin, fortunately.
      I hope all is well in Japan! It’s pouring down right now in London!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. MrsD

    I’m so excited for you to have your baby!!!! I keep logging on hoping to see he’s been born! Definitely keep blogging afterward- of course you won’t have as much time to do it as before, but we all still want to know what you’re up to. Plus as a new mom it’s so nice to be able to blog about all the anxieties, victories, milestones etc. Like keeping a diary that gives you nice supportive comments on each entry!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. ourgreatestdesire

    Wow…I feel like it wasn’t that long ago that you let us know this round of IVF worked! I’m happy to hear you’re doing well and are at peace with the last minute changes. I hope all goes well and that B gets here safely in as zen of a way as possible! I can’t wait to “meet” your little guy!

    Like

  13. Dani

    I have a feeling you are not going to stop blogging even with B around 😊

    I’m thinking of you guys and really hope your labour goes as you hope. But I think your journey in preparing for L&D has been amazing, thanks for sharing all of it! It helps having a midwife you trust but mostly it’s been your own personal strength that has got you to this point of being ready for anything now 😊 Look how far you’ve come! From pretty adamant for an elective C-section to come what may. I can’t wait to hear your birthing story, I know it will be beautiful whatever happens.

    B is coming!!!!!!!!! Wooooohooooo!!!! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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