Things I want to remember 


I’ve been a mother for almost seven weeks and I don’t know where the time has gone. I think I’m still in the phase where I can’t quite believe that it’s happened, but it has. Our lives have changed irrevocably and I’m still in a state of disbelief that finally it has happened for us. 

Here’s the thing: Every drop of this life is precious. I never thought this day would come so I didn’t spend a whole lot of time thinking about it other than in the abstract. But here I am, living it. I’m snatching time to write this blog when it’s past 1am and B is snoozing in his side sleeper cot next to me. And on the other side, T and Dog are snoring away. I couldn’t be happier. 

I only get four months off before I go back to work and I can already see it slipping away and I kind of want to stay in this bubble forever. A secret: Everything is so much easier than I’d been led to believe. I’m not sleep deprived. I don’t feel exhausted. Breastfeeding is relatively easy. Weight seems to be coming off. 

The way people talk about new motherhood and being a parent is that it’s a massive drag. I had super low expectations. I kind of thought it was a means to an end before the real fun started (when the kid could walk and talk) but I’ve been blown away by how much I enjoy it. 

I absolutely didn’t think I’d be a natural mother. And yet if I didn’t have a decent job that pays the bills, I’d be tempted to jack it all in and spend every waking moment being B’s mum. I wonder if I have a massive dose of hormones or something making me go all doolally. What happened to the stone cold hearted me? I’m not sure. I’m kind of mushy nowadays. 

I love him being here. My only biological relative. He looks like me. My genes. I’ve never had that before. Being adopted, never knowing a relative who looks like me – it’s a huge thing. Life changing. 

I think it’s been easier for me to adjust partly because breastfeeding has been pretty smooth. Of course there are some teething problems (not literally!) but on the whole it came naturally to us and B has put on loads of weight! He was 5.44kg a few days ago, up from his birth weight almost seven weeks ago of 3.61kg. 

My friends from NCT have all had problems breastfeeding so I’ve been really lucky. Although they all had easy births so they joke I was due something easy! All but one of the babies has been born although we think the last one has just been born but not announced. B was the second biggest at birth. The only caesarean! It means he has a nice unsquashed head! Also the only boy so lots of girlfriends to choose from! (I’ve told him it’s perfectly fine to have a boyfriend!)

I don’t feel smug. Maybe it is because we wanted him so much. I don’t take any of it for granted. To be frank, I really doubted I’d even be able to breastfeed so it surprised me it came so naturally. And gradually other “hippy dippy” stuff has snuck in. I’m totally not the mother I expected! I can’t let him cry and I carry him around a lot. My Earth mother friend (you know who you are, haha) finds this hilarious, I think. I keep messaging her one more concession to earth-motherdom so I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I become a full blown hippy!

We kind of have a focus group because of NCT, our antenatal class, where all babies have been born within a few weeks of each other. It’s been really interesting especially as one of them who I’ve mentioned before is really negative. I sort of feel like it is my job to perk them up a bit! (Not her though. She’s beyond redemption. She whines about everything.) 

It’s interesting because I feel like our experiences are similar but how we experience it is different. Like if you look at it, I actually had the most traumatic birth. I also got an infected c section scar and B ended up in hospital with bronchiolitis. So really we’ve probably had more than the others to deal with but we do seem to be the most happy. 

I think I just expected it would be really hard and it’s much less hard than I expected, so I feel kind of giddy rather than depressed. Like the sleep isn’t that bad if you don’t have to get up and go to work! And I’m used to interrupted sleep because Dog sleeps in the bed and regularly shuffles about! And although I do get tired feeding during the night, I think of it as a phase that will pass. 

I just don’t resent it at all. I feel hugely lucky to be able to be doing this. I just never thought I would get the opportunity and I love it. And the hard part won’t last forever. The others have talked about how they’ve been crying and stuff and I haven’t done that at all, not through stress or exhaustion. Only slightly teary eyes through a bit of happy emotion!

The other funny thing: Other people’s babies leave me kind of cold. I have met some great friends through NCT. Out of the seven couples in our group, I’m good friends with two of them and we recently added a third to our “splinter group” (after a gruelling audition process, haha). I get on great with them but I definitely have that thing where I love my baby but I am not gaga for other people’s. I like them but I don’t go mad for them like others do. I guess the baby madness only extends to my own! But it’s great to have some friends in the same position. We meet up once or twice a week. B actually has a better social life than I do!

And I’ve done things I didn’t think I’d do. One of my friends persuaded me to try Baby Sensory classes. It’s so odd and I laugh to myself thinking of what my team would say if they could see me singing “Say Hello To The Sun” (with actions). I didn’t think I’d be mad on breastfeeding but I am. I feel like I want to do it for a year if I can. I’m going to have to pump when I go back at four months. I want to do that for him. And I wear him in a sling a lot of the time. I really didn’t see myself doing that but it just makes sense. I’ve even ordered a wrap to try! I’ve gone full on Earth mother! I’ll probably be puréeing his food later!

So yeah. I’m in a baby haze. I’m not bored. I don’t resent him. I don’t dislike this phase at all. I’m loving it. 

We reached the six weeks milestone which T was avidly waiting for! We had to mark it in the way of resuming (extra)marital relations! It was kind of comical and kind of reassuring it all still works. On the plus side, an emergency c section means my pelvic floor seems fine! Don’t think my stomach will ever be the same though! The weight has dropped off but I still have a saggy stretch marked pouch. I suppose the caesarean does that. I thought I would really upset about it but I’m not letting it bother me now. That saggy stripey pouch gave me my baby! 

They keep asking in hospital and appointments about contraception. We discussed it and I said I wasn’t worried as it never happened for 16 years. T said, “I didn’t realise we were having another baby!” Truthfully I would see it as a miracle but I really don’t yearn for another child. I am over the moon at this one. And there is no way I would put myself through the mental and physical pain again, if we were actively to try. I think we are just going with “What happens, happens” approach! So B will be an only child then!

So B is here and I think of him as perfect. I wonder what he will be like as he gets older. He’s outgrown two, almost three sizes of clothes. I realised that the sizes on clothes don’t correspond to ages at all! He’s in 0-3 months now at 1.5 and I can’t see him getting much more wear out of them!

The grandparents are super proud. Both sets are loving it. My folks come round once a week roughly and they just want to hold him and grin. It’s been great though. A very bonding experience for us. I’ve found myself talking to them about adoption a lot. That’s probably a whole other post. I can’t believe B is now older than I was when I went to live with my parents. He’s still so tiny and he still needs me so much and he will only settle being with me. I think of the few days old me and wonder how that must have felt to me. My parents are actually really great about talking about this stuff. I think they realise in a way that having B has given me a lot of peace. 

My sister is still pregnant! I’m so glad. I was dreading how it would pan out if it went wrong but they are approaching the halfway mark. And she’s having a girl! Which means I get to buy girl stuff for her kid so I don’t miss out on girly things. Truth be told I love having a boy. Although I’m sure in future I’ll be able to take my niece to do the girly things! Spa days and afternoon teas hopefully. Although no reason why B wouldn’t like those things!

My brother has been having a really difficult time. The other siblings and my parents and I have tried to help but he is at the point where he refuses any help. My folks are so upset. I think partly it is pride as he wants to provide for his family himself. Also I’ve said on here before, I always called him The Golden Child as he had a charmed life. He’s in his thirties and this is the only bad thing that has ever happened to him. But it’s really bad. 

I feel bad for ever feeling jealous of him because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. (His child has a serious health problem.) We are all trying to help but I don’t know what we can do when he keeps refusing. (Including financial help.) We are just all hoping that they can get help and that things aren’t as bad as we are fearing as right now everything is unknown. It is really sobering as I know that this time last year I was feeling terrible that our previous baby’s due date fell around his baby’s christening. So much has changed in a year. 

My other friend is still going through chemo but the good news is that the tumour has shrunk! I’m really hoping this is it for her. She’s had a tough time dealing with chemo as she’s been really ill. I’m very aware that we’ve had this huge exciting wonderful thing happen in our lives but others are dealing with some horrible stuff. We are just trying to be there for her. 

So that’s a bit of an update typed on iPhone in the middle of the night. People ask what I do all day and I reply, we are so busy but I’m not sure what we are actually doing. Being a family. We were three and now four. Dog is being a big brother. We have new roles. I’m learning how to be a Mama. 

In the blink of an eye more weeks will have passed. I already can’t remember what it felt like to be pregnant… I know I had years and years of pain before then but it feels like that is healing. Just as the scar from my caesarean is healing, so is the pain of infertility, the pain of thinking I could never have this, and the pain of losing our first baby. I can still remember it but it’s not such a deep stabbing pain any more. And the other pains I’ve experienced in my life… the sadnesses… They all pale in comparison to the love and happiness I’m feeling now. 

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39 comments

  1. silentmiscarriageloudthoughts

    That’s wonderful you enjoyed the early weeks so much. I wish I hadn’t found the first six weeks so incredibly difficult. I cried a lot to be honest. I was only getting an hour or two of sleep a night, my nipples were bleeding, my episiotomy was infected, and my baby’s reflux was really bad. Plus hormones I guess.
    Once I started getting a few more hours of sleep I felt a little more human. And breastfeeding became easier (and is now the most natural thing in the world).
    We’re still dealing with reflux and digestion issues, but I’m on a strict elimination diet at the moment to try to work out the cause, so hopefully that improves.
    P.S. Total earth mama here too. Wearing baby in a wrap at the moment- she has most of her naps on me as she prefers being upright. Co-sleeping too which I hadn’t planned on, but you do what works. And there is nothing sweeter than waking up to my baby’s happy face in the morning. Definitely loving every minute now.

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    • Nara

      Aww that sounds so difficult. That’s why I said I really feel lucky as bf has gone relatively easily. I think it makes a big difference to your mood as I don’t feel stressed about that. And an infected episiotomy- that sounds so awful! Poor you! I definitely think that sleeps make a difference as I don’t feel too sleep deprived (as I can have a lie in as nothing much to get up for, no work!) so that helps. B has got reflux now but didn’t in the beginning. Did you find anything that helps? I’m worried it may be something I’m eating but I also have read it’s quite normal at this time.
      I’ve had B in a sling but have ordered a wrap! He’s been in the sling from day one (well day two when we came home!) so I am hoping transition to wrap is okay. I just want to hold him closer as I’ll be able to do more! And yeah co sleeping, it seems that so many people do it but few admit to it! Glad you are loving every minute. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • silentmiscarriageloudthoughts

        I’m sure he’ll enjoy the wrap! We’ve just bought a meh-dai carrier now that N’s starting to get a bit bigger and they can be used for back carries and into toddlerhood. It’s taking me some getting used to as I have to tie it around her, whereas the stretchy wrap you get all tied and sorted first then just slip baby.
        Haven’t found much to help with the reflux sorry- I’m on a really restricted diet at the mo to help N and I am seeing some improvement with that. Most babies will grow out of it though 🙂

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  2. My Perfect Breakdown

    This just made me smile! I am so thrilled reading how amazingly you are taking to being a new mom! It sounds like B is doing great and I’m thrilled to hear that your sisters pregnancy is progressing well too. Wishing you many more happy days with beautiful family!! ❤

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    • Nara

      Thank you! Yes it’s amazing about my sis. She’s 18 weeks now so it is looking great. I am really happy (and relieved) it’s happening for her.
      I’m so enjoying everything. I remember when you first had your little one and how amazing it was! I bet he is a big boy now! X

      Liked by 1 person

  3. sewingbutterfly

    So glad it is going so well! Breastfeeding was a disaster for us but once I switched to formula at 3 weeks, the rest was a dream 😊 So happy for your sister! Even if B doesn’t have any siblings, he will jave cousins close in age.

    Apart from not breastfeeding, I tick the rest of the earth mama boxes, I pick him up the moment he cries, babywear all the time and use cloth nappies 😂 never thought I would be this type of mum either but oh well, I am just swinging with it.

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    • Nara

      Ah that’s awesome. You know what, I totally was prepared to go with formula. I didn’t think bf would be easy at all. I’m relieved of course but I am not judging anyone else who doesn’t as I know that it’s not always straightforward and people have all sorts of problems. Two of my NCT friends have had real difficulty and I think it makes a big difference to your mood. One had a baby with a tongue tie and once that got sorted out it was so much better, but they had to get it done privately which is nuts!
      I find the picking up funny. We were round the in laws having dinner and they said, “We’re fine to let him cry” as he was in his car seat in the corner. I was like, “I’m not okay to let him cry!” I think times have changed!
      No idea how you do cloth nappies though! That’s a step too far for me! 😂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dani

        That crying thing…same thing happened with my mum, she said ‘just let her cry a bit’ Ummmmm NO! She’s a newborn baby, she’s not manipulating me! 🙄

        Liked by 1 person

  4. GeeksTravelInJapan

    It warms my heart to see people embracing motherhood. I hope I get a chance one day to be a mother myself. I always feel a little hurt when people casually say “Pfft… motherhood. Why would anyone ruin their fun by being a parent?”

    I don’t feel like people who don’t want kids should be shamed for that. By why the need to bash people who do?

    I think the dream to have a child is just as beautiful as someone who dreams of having a great career. Neither should be looked down at somehow a “waste”.

    I’m so happy for you and your family. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      I really hope you get to have the chance. I’m rooting for you! It’s a tough road with infertility for sure. I really don’t know how people go through repeated treatments and losses. It’s so hard. And yeah I don’t think either type of person should bash the other! I don’t think either is a waste. Wishing you lots of luck. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. MrsKirstyHoll

    I’m so happy you’re enjoying it so much 🙂 i’m also co sleeping and dont put lily down that often x she sleeps so much better! Which sling are you using? X

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  6. Marixsa

    So glad to read such a wonderful update! Sounds like things are mostly very positive.

    And don’t feel so bad. I’m not big on other people’s babies either and will probably only like my own kid too. Infertility doesn’t mean we’re all baby obsessed. 🙂

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    • Nara

      Thank you! He is! Even when he’s puking milk over me… haha. He’s currently being angelic sleeping next to me whilst I watch tv. I really should start going to bed earlier to take advantage!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Dani

    It’s so lovely you have had a positive experience with B in his early weeks. You deserve some easiness in your life 😊 I understand how you feel about B and your overwhelming feelings about your rainbow baby being here, today, right now. I have experienced majority of my crying as being utterly amazed and thankful Aviana is in my arms, I’ve had so many tears of happiness (But I have had one or two cries when times got tough esp with her her reflux) still happened the other day and it’s been almost 11 weeks now 😝

    It’s really interesting to hear that you’ve been thinking about your parents adopting you and what it would have been like around that time period.

    Don’t think about work just yet…you’ve got lots of time still! Although maybe think about it if you plan to pump because you dont want to be like me…oh crap I have 1 week left til I go back to work (just for one week) and my freezer stash barely covers 1 day 😳 think I’ll need a bit more back up than that! Anyways, it sounds like you have it sorted 🤗 X

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    • Nara

      Aww thank you. It is really strange all the emotions that come up. I think all new mothers must have them regardless of what their journey was.
      I have been trying not to think about work! Agh! I’ve been pumping a little bit. Bought a new double pump and I’m going to put a bottle a day or so in the freezer. But hopefully we will get into a routine. He actually doesn’t feed that much during the day. He’s more of an evening / night feeder! Maybe that’s a good thing! I worked out if I have a backlog in the freezer then I can pump during the work day to cover the next day and then the freezer can be contingency. We shall see! I can totally understand why mothers don’t go back till they’re weaned!

      Like

  8. Arwen

    I LOVE this post. And I totally get everything in it. I was so lucky to have it relatively easy for BFing too, especially compared to all my friends who have bf, considering I induced it was kinda funny! (ps still going at ~16 months!)
    I think I took to it like a duck to water as I had for so long expected to never be a mum it was a dream every day. Don’t get me wrong there were still plenty of tears, both happy and stressed out but everyone I knew who had had kids marveled at how ‘chilled out’ D and I were.
    What I’d give to experience those halcyon days again now I have a maniac tear-away toddler and a constant siege of nursery germs hahahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Ahhhh. That’s so nice. It’s great you’re still bf at 16 months! Can’t believe she is that age either!!!!!! A toddler! That must be fun – and tiring! 😂

      Like

  9. Dubliner in Deutschland

    Aw I’m so happy to read the wonderful update! Sometimes when I hear friends complaining about how hard it is with a baby it really scares me, so I’m glad to hear you didn’t find it so bad! You probably have an easy baby though 😉 I really hope I can get to the stage you are at one day too! Hugs xx

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    • Nara

      Oh I really hope you do. I am not sure he’s an easy baby. He hasn’t slept much the past few days. I think he has a cold! But I am just grateful to experience this and the sleepless nights won’t be forever. Wishing you all the best! Xx

      Like

  10. mamajo23

    Oh my this makes me so happy. I can so relate to feeling so content and loving breastfeeding and so much of this. You deserve all this great joy. A gift the battle gives us is his ability to feel deep gratitude and treasure it all. Xoxoxo

    Like

  11. ourgreatestdesire

    I wish there was a “love” button on here like there is on FB. I love this update. I love hearing how happy you are and how naturally motherhood has come to you. I totally agree about it not being as hard as people make it out to be but I also know that we have a relatively easy baby. The past couple weeks have been harder with her getting sick and now deciding I can’t put her down the last few days, but it is so worth it. I’m sorry your brother is still having a rough time. It must be so scary to have a child with serious health problems. I’m so excited for your Sister though and I hope the rest of her pregnancy goes smoothly. Enjoy the rest of your time with B!

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  12. hazzeltoz

    I’m so happy for you. My first experience as a parent was awful and I missed out on a lot of joy because of post-partum depression. Being aware of signs to watch for made the second time much better. He’s a lucky guy to have a mamma like you!!

    Like

    • Nara

      Oh I’m so sorry to hear you had PPD. I can’t imagine how isolating that must feel. But glad you knew the signs for the second time. I am a lucky mama to have him! 🙂

      Like

  13. circumstance227

    So sorry I have been out of the loop lately – I completely missed the posts about B being sick. So glad that everything is okay now.
    I remember the first six to twelve months of having Baby 1 as the most romantic of my life. Having waited for 11+ years for the experience was surely part of its intensity. I see/read something similar in your words. My happiness in reading all of this is in equal parts for you and for the wonderful nostalgia your words reawakened in me.
    Relish every moment. It all goes by incredibly fast.
    PS. And it doesn’t surprise me at all that the sleep deprivation part is not a problem for you. I developed the theory a year ago, that you don’t sleep much. How else could a person pack so much activity into such a short time frame.? 🙂

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    • Nara

      Ahh thank you. Thankfully the sickness seems to be passing although small babies seem to be snot machines! It really is a trip! I bet it is really similar to what you felt. I feel like I’d been waiting for so long that I’m just happy to be experiencing it finally. And it’s flying by! As for sleep deprivation – I do feel tired, but I also feel happy, which makes things easier! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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