Infertility anger

I get it. I get it more than you can imagine. Whenever I used to read another infertility blog, I’d mentally compare it to our journey and my own infertility (because the “fault” is mine – I’m the infertile one) and figure if ours had gone on longer or been easier or harder. And usually ours compared unfavourably, and I’d wonder if it was just too late for anything to try and fix it, and I’d get angry at anyone and everyone because we had to deal with this and others did not. 

I used to get so angry at people who had babies without trying. At people who’d run the gamut of insensitive comments. (“At least you know you can get pregnant” after a miscarriage that was the culmination of 10+ years of infertility and IVF… “Why don’t you just adopt?” to two adoptees who just wanted to have someone biologically related to them in their lives…) Even at my own sibling who easily had two children – one born during the holiday we went on to get over our loss. 

I was angry and jealous and honestly not the nicest person to be around for a while, so after our loss the previous year I took a step back from socialising and focused more on work, and self care. And I blogged a lot. And got amazing support from this community of bloggers. And made some real life friends. 

When we finally got pregnant last year that was the culmination of a great deal of treatment including multiple operations, IVF cycles, immune therapy and at least four different hospitals and countless doctors.

It was not an easy ride. 

But we are lucky because out of all that came baby B. And the pain of infertility recedes, but it doesn’t mean I’m not conscious of it. As I posted the other day, I’m grateful every single day that I have the chance to be a mother. I don’t take it for granted. 

After all that I am full of joy for this chance. And I’m grateful. And I feel empathy for anyone else still going down this path because I know what it feels like. It’s been over 10 years and up to 15/16 years depending on how you count it. (Not-not trying or actually trying.)

What I didn’t do during those days of anger was wander up to people who had kids and express my anger to them. I might have felt it privately but I knew deep down that my anger at them was irrational and misplaced. Someone else being fertile is not the cause of my own infertility. 

Likewise I didn’t do the equivalent of that in the blogging world. Your own blog is for venting, and you can do what you want on it. But I didn’t seek out blogs where people had kids and make snarky comments. Because it is literally not their fault. When infertility bloggers got pregnant and had kids, it gave me hope. If it became too triggering, I unfollowed. But most of the time I carried on following them because I was happy for them that it worked out, and I wanted to share in that happiness. 

Ultimately isn’t that what we want to happen in the infertility blogging world? We want those people who want children to be able to have children, either through medical intervention (as we had) or adoption. Or we want them to be able to come to terms with not having children. 

It doesn’t really make sense to hope that all infertility bloggers continue to live in misery and longing and never manage to have a child or come to terms with a child free life… It would be perverse to hope for that, because we’d be hoping for that for ourselves, too. 

So when someone from the infertility community comes on my blog specifically to bitch about parents, in the context of everything we went through to become parents, and how recently it happened for us, and knowing our background of being adopted and the loss that entails, I can have empathy for that person but I can also be kind of p*ssed off. 

I have never felt “smug” about being a mother. I literally never thought this day would come, and I went through a lot to get here, and I’m thankful every day. Being grateful is not the same as being smug. And I don’t post stuff about parenting to upset infertile people, or for any other agenda. I talk about my life because my blog is about my life and my experiences. 

I understand that to some in the trenches of infertility that talking about parenting following infertility may be triggering. I know that some infertility bloggers have stopped blogging after having children through birth or adoption. I know others who have started new blogs. 

For me, my blog was named Zero to Zygote for a reason. I hoped one day where there was no child there would be a child. In my first post I talked about my dream of being able to tell my child the story of how he came to be. It was always meant to be a story of hope, and that journey included venting of infertility anger, processing of adoption loss, working through the grief of pregnancy loss, as well as everyday experiences and thoughts. 

So I’m asking you, infertility bloggers, if all this triggers you, please do not take out your infertility anger on me on my blog. The space for that is your own blog, or a support group. You’ll never be able to chase down every person that has a child to comment on their blog or tell you how angry you are that they have one and you don’t. And it will just make you feel worse. Just unfollow me and save yourself the trouble of thinking negative thoughts.  

And your anger is misplaced. I wouldn’t wish our experiences on anyone. It was not easy and it was not enjoyable and it almost broke me. I hope you resolve yours more quickly than we did (whether by having a child or being happy not to have one; I understand that having a baby is not the be all and end all, even if it sometimes feels like that). I hope that everything works out. 

Of all the anger I had about infertility, the ones I hoped for the most and where my anger dissipated were for the others in similar positions to ours. But maybe you are still deep in the trenches right now and you can only feel your own grief and loss, and I get that. You’re entitled to feel that way. Life is unfair sometimes. Take it from someone who’s been there for many years: unfollow your triggers. And if that includes me, unfollow me. 

I wish you all the best.

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29 comments

  1. alanagriegs

    Sorry to hear you’ve had to deal with negativity. I’ve always appreciated your blog as you express constantly how greatful you are for where you guys have ended up. Try not to let it get you down! Xo

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    • Nara

      Thank you. I’m just venting really. It is upsetting when people take it out on people who have been in the trenches. Because it’s like saying they don’t want anyone in the trenches to get out… That they will only support us if we are the same amount of unfortunate. Even when I was there and I didn’t know if I’d ever get out, I was happy for those who did – even if it was hard to see people with their babies – because it meant that there was hope. Thanks for being here and always being so supportive! X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. EmilyMaine

    I am so sorry your have been at the receiving end of something so yuk. I agree with everything you have said here. You have articulated it so well. X

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    • Nara

      Thank you… It was a bit of a rant but a few interactions lately have really upset me. It seems weird that some in the infertility don’t seem to want others to become parents or are down on those of us who have struggled the same struggle. I don’t get it. It’s like wishing *you* don’t succeed?! And I guess having B now, it’s hard not to take it personally and on his behalf. Infertility is just crappy really, and I don’t see why we should spread further negativity when we are all dealing with our own problems. Everyone should be kind to each other! More joy, less mean! X

      Liked by 1 person

      • EmilyMaine

        I agree. I always found that weird too. I mean, isn’t that what we are all here for? To one day succeed? Or to at least make peace with what our options are? I can see that some might need to unfollow because it is painful to see others have pregnancies and babies but I don’t understand meanness towards those peeps. I, like you, love the success stories. They gave me hope that one day it might be me ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Thank you. I know I’ve been lucky so the people who need the hugs are those still in the trenches… I know and appreciate that. I just wish that they wouldn’t take it out on those of us who are well acquainted with the pain and who are thankful for where we are today. And realise nobody really deserves the anger just for being lucky. (But of course I will happily accept your hugs! 😍)

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  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    I am no longer surprises that these things seem to happen, but I am sorry that you had to experience it!! As with other commenters, I don’t believe you’ve ever been smug!! You are an amazing women and I am always so appreciative of your blog and your constant inspiration and support to others in the infertility/loss community. (And adoption community in my circumstance).

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    • Nara

      Thank you… I know you had trouble before too. I kind of think a blog is a personal space and so it feels hurtful when people come in and say negative things when they could just ignore it!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Amy M.

    Ugh…I’m sorry you had to deal with whatever it was that brought this post on. Women can be so petty sometimes…you’ve never seemed smug to me. And seriously, with all you’ve been through, you can be smug if you want to be on your own blog. If someone in the trenches can’t bare to see that you’ve FINALLY made it to the other side, then that’s their issue. They don’t have a right to dump on you or shame you. If they can’t handle it, unfollow. I know there was a while where I couldn’t handle reading some people’s blogs, but I wasn’t mean to them, I just didn’t read them. We obviously all know how hard it can be, but that doesn’t give any of us a right to be mean to each other. We’re supposed to be here to support each other. It’s your blog, you do/say what you want. Don’t let the haters get you down.

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    • Nara

      Thanks Amy… I definitely unfollowed blogs too. It’s a weird situation. I know we all kind of hope we will “beat” infertility, but I guess it feels bad sometimes when we are still in the trenches and others succeed. I just kept telling myself it would be me eventually…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. RJ

    Sorry you had to experience the negativity! I think you are a fabulous blogger who tells it like it is and this is very well said. Thank you for your honesty (and I don’t think you’re smug at all). Hugs!!

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  6. Dani

    I think your analogy of being in the trenches is spot on. I can understand unfollowing a blog, but to take it out on you is not fair. And for what it’s worth I don’t think you come across as smug. You are happy, that’s different!!! Don’t rain on people’s happiness people!!! 😔

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    • Nara

      Thank you! Maybe I should have gone double-blog like you… I’m still not sure if I will manage to carry on blogging what with work and everything, but you had a good point about pumping time! Look forward to comparing notes. ☺️

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  7. whatmariadidblog

    I agree with you completely and can’t believe someone would go so far as to take out their own infertility issues/ grief on you… I mean I remember the negative feelings and despair I felt at times but deep down I knew they had nothing to do with other people’s journeys even though they could be triggers for me and even though I would temporarily have horrible thoughts. You definitely don’t have to apologise for your happiness, what was all the struggle for anyway if not to enjoy these feelings and experiences now 🙂

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    • Nara

      I know that feeling so well! I think I had a hard time with friends who would have babies without any problems. Of course I have one now but I try and make it really clear to people that it didn’t come easy for us, and talk about treatments etc with anyone who asks! I hope that you are doing okay… You haven’t blogged in a while? Xx

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  8. sbach1222

    I am so sorry that has happened to you.

    You have been on such a rough journey, and I am so happy you came out on top in the end. I am always so happy to see people who struggle finally succeed. It gives me hope, even still on the other side, I follow people who I root for and want to see success for.

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    • Nara

      Thanks so much. I just read your last post – I haven’t been on the blogs much lately as I’m trying to soak up as much of him as possible in my last month of leave… but we will catch up! Hope you are well apart from MiL drama! Xx

      Like

  9. ramblesandstruggles

    I really am sorry to hear that you have had to deal with this, it’s extremely unfair. I think you are right, if it’s too much for people then to hit unfollow isn’t a hard thing to do.

    I say this as a person who won’t have a biological child with their partner but I have kept following you because it’s wonderful to see how things are going. No one deserves to be struggling with infertility I think you summed it up perfectly when you said

    “Ultimately isn’t that what we want to happen in the infertility blogging world? We want those people who want children to be able to have children”

    Like

    • Nara

      Thank you. I completely understand why people unfollow. I did. Also I do appreciate it’s hard to see people “succeed”… and yet isn’t that what we are all ultimately hoping for? I really hope that everything works out for you with the house and you have a lovely few months settling in. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • ramblesandstruggles

        I do agree, surely no one actually wants to have this struggle and it’s a shame someone has felt the need to make you feel bad for something that everyone ultimately wants- no one deserves that. It’s so easy just to unfollow people if it upsets you so much. I am sorry again this has happened to you. Thank you!! :)xx

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  10. ourgreatestdesire

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with negative nancy’s! I don’t know why people can’t just keep it to themselves or vent to their spouses if they need to vent. Or, as you mentioned, on their own blogs. Once in awhile I have to unfollow people after pregnancy announcements on FB, only once has it been a fellow blogger though. Usually, pregnancy announcements from fellow infertility bloggers just make me happy but this one was just too much for me at this moment in time. I think because there’s been a lot of fertile announcements surrounding me and even though I am beyond blessed to have Annabelle, I grieve not getting to be pregnant with her. Anyways, everything you said was spot on!

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  11. infertileinpearls

    I am very very new to the blogging community and this was the first post I’ve read – I just wanted to say congrats on your sweet baby after so many years of struggle. I hate that you had anyone making negative comments – as much as IF sucks (and it SUCKS) that’s never a reason to say mean things to others who have finally found success.

    Like

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