One year ago today

There are good and bad things about Timehop. I always find it interesting to see what I did on this day a year ago, and the years before that. Although there are always things we'd rather forget and it doesn't seem to filter those out.

This morning's Timehop showed me this scan picture. So strange to think of what time was like a year ago, when little B was in existence but we had no concept of who he was, and now he's here, bright and alive and spreading butternut squash all over his tray table. (I actually hate butternut squash and it turns out he isn't too keen either.)

I am so grateful to medical science that we have this chance to be his parents, that I have a chance I never thought I'd have, to be a mother. As an adoptee, to know someone biologically related to me. To see someone who looks a bit the same. To know I'll be able to offer that comfort of looking a bit like him and he'll never have to wonder where he came from.

And I think back to this time last year and it seems almost inconceivable(!) how much my life has changed. I'm still the same person and yet I'm not.

I may be out of the trenches of infertility but I can remember what it was like. And the fear that haunted me throughout my pregnancy with B. Right now I'm looking at that scan picture and remembering how I felt relief and I cried that there was a baby there. But I also didn't feel happy that I was pregnant because I was so scared that we would lose this one as well.

Pregnancy after loss is not like pregnant, period.

And a rainbow baby, as B is, is a special sort of baby. All babies are special of course. But a rainbow baby has parents who know the fear of loss and who went through the special kind of hell before their baby was born. Maybe a rainbow baby has parents who don't take parenthood for granted. I know we don't. I feel a ridiculous sense of gratefulness every single day when I look at his chubby little face.

I don't know what I can say to my friends who are still in the trenches apart from, I feel for you and I want you to know you are not alone. I know that I'm just one more of those annoying people who now have a baby. I know what it's like to feel infertility anger and I bear you no malice if you wish to unfollow. But you must know, you are not alone.

When I joined WordPress three or so years back, I felt like I was talking into a void. I needed somewhere to shout and rage about my infertility and to try and make sense of what we were going through. And then I realised it brought up some feelings about adoption I had buried. And I quickly realised that I wasn't alone at all.

I had such support throughout my whole journey of making sense of all of this. Infertility but also adoption, and feelings about all sorts of things from work to friendships.

And I made real life friends. Some I've never even met in real life but whom I consider actual real life friends!

So although this path is hard, and paved with the small angry pebbles of anger and loss (and running with the tears we have shed! Let's make that metaphor work for us!), know that you are not alone. I promise you. There are good people out there! And the great thing is, your blog is for you and it attracts the people who are interested in what you have to say! Who knew?! There are some pretty awesome folk out there and I hope one day to convert some of my real life not-yet-met friends into actual "I know what your voice sounds like" friends!

So, that's all for today really. Looking back is bittersweet. I know we had a long bloody wait to meet our miracle. And I'd be lying if I said I was happy to go through that. But the outcome was bloody spectacular. I'm biased of course, but B is such a happy baby it's hard to complain about the slightly truncated sleep cycles (co sleeping helps) and the over familiarity with poo (how does it get everywhere?!). When my baby chucks back his head and giggles I think there is not a sight nor sound in human history that will ever top it.

This year is a bumper year. We are planning our "big" birthdays and we are going to take B on his first trip to Disney (Paris – not going to brave a transatlantic flight with a baby!). We decided we are going all out and staying in the Disneyland Hotel. OMG Disney fans! Too exciting. Of course B won't really notice it but we will enjoy it! Hopefully our new flat will settle soon (ah the vagaries of the UK housebuying process!) so B will get his forever home and Dog hopefully will too. (I am still hoping I am right in thinking he is a special species of immortal dog who's going to live forever.) A bit of outside space (it has a terrace) is super exciting for us Londoners. I see my friends overseas and their gigantic yards and I think you'd have to laugh at our modest delusions of grandeur!

So yeah, life is pretty good right now. So much has changed in a year. I am so grateful to my lucky stars and whoever else may have had a hand in it. (Doctors and IVF technicians mainly I guess.) I keep telling myself not to worry about something going wrong. It seems hard to imagine because 2015 was such a bad year, but maybe these things all even out in the end.

And you… I've not had as much time as I expected to catch up on people's blogs. My day seems to lend itself more to the intermittency of Facebook. But I do care about what's going on in your lives! Tell me your news!

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20 comments

  1. Dani

    Ahhhh time hop…. 😝 if only you could go back in time and tell yourself that everything will be ok? Or even better…everything will be awesome?

    At my infertility support group last week we talked about infertile guilt. Leaving behind our fellow comrades. It’s a real thing.

    Yippeee!!! Disney!! I still can’t convince Chris to go to Disney yet. He says not til Aviana is at least three 🙄 so I’m absolutely jealous! And I really dont blame you for not wanting to fly transatlantic with B! Paris will Be amazing fun still ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      Yes, I wish I could tell 2016 Me that everything would be awesome. It really took me a long time to believe it!

      I do feel a degree of infertile guilt. But I also think, you know what, I really did suffer with it so let me be happy! I’m not one of those people who had it for like a year or two and then had IVF and got cured… It was over a decade! That was rough! I think we all have a right to be happy now. And maybe those of us who suffered with infertility are a little more thankful of what we have… I don’t know. We don’t take it for granted anyway.

      Haha about Disney. We totally didn’t plan to take B for years until he could appreciate it. But this year we are mainly going for us! 🤣 It’s the “Big” birthday and that’s what we wanted to do to celebrate! But yeah, Orlando is too far with a baby and plus I love DLP at Christmas when it’s cold!

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  2. spiteorflight

    I’m so jealous about Disney! We were talking more seriously about going (to Disney World, since we’re in the US) but now that I’m super pregnant (rainbow baby #2! The struggle is real!) that’s on the back burner for a few more years.

    Like

  3. ramblesandstruggles

    Awesome choice on Disney, having been to Disneyland Paris this year which was wonderful (queues long but even just walking around is wonderful so you’ll have a great time regardless), my husband and I are heading to Florida in September. Anyway sorry Disney fanatic always comes out when someone mentions it 😉 I’m so pleased that all is good in the world, it’s all a person could want for someone who has struggled so much and knows how tough it can be x

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    • Nara

      Woohoo! Yes we are Disney fanatics too. We go to DLP every year… Last year was the first time we didn’t go because I was pregnant. It’s our happy place. We went to Florida to get over the miscarriage. It was so much fun! You will have to blog about it in September! I bet it will be awesome. Is MNSSHP on when you’re there? Are you Disney bounding? X

      Liked by 1 person

      • ramblesandstruggles

        Ah i love this! Yes it’s there! Haha I’m trying – for example I have brought a polka dot skirt and I’m constantly on the look out for things i can wear but haven’t found a lot of things! Do you do Disney bounding? I only discovered the term this year!! We’re going full on though – Dinner at the Castle, backstage tour etc x

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      • Nara

        Yeah I haven’t actually done it – was planning to but I had so much Disney clothing that I had more than enough to wear every day we were there! Mainly t shirts – there are loads in Primarni all the time. Honestly I was soooo hot (and we went end of October!) that I was more comfortable in shorts most of the time. Also for the rides, shorts are better!

        I did have a couple of Disney themed dresses which I wore with some lace cycling short things (you couldn’t see them unless sitting down on a ride but protected modesty!).

        I got loads of compliments on this one – we went at Halloween so it was well themed! And light / comfy – I just wore it with trainers.
        The Nightmare Before Christmas Women’s Night Skirt X-Small Multicolour https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00YUIIPT6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_.bgFzb0JM8VMD
        (I didn’t have XS – I had size M but doesn’t look like they have it in stock right now.)

        I also got a red dress with white polka dots to go Disney bounding but didn’t end up wearing it in the end. From an Amazon seller. I was going to do Minnie Disney bounding but wasn’t feeling body confident enough to wear the dress. Silly really. I’d definitely be up for a bit next time! People don’t do it so much in Paris and we always go in winter so I don’t think it would work so well, but if you have any ideas…

        Really jealous you’re going for the full experience! Ha! That will be awesome. I wanted to do the backstage tour but I think it gets booked up really quickly. You’ll have an amazing time! Have you been to Be Our Guest? I almost cried when I went in there for the first time! Definitely share your Disney bounding outfits and let me know if we need to hunt anything down! X

        Liked by 1 person

      • ramblesandstruggles

        Ah yeah I should really get down to Primark to pick up some bits, as I’m between houses all my summer clothes are in storage but I should be moving in 3 weeks so I can actually see what I have! I love that dress – so cool – I bet it looked awesome. Minnie bound is what I’m trying to go for, I’ve got a black top and ordered some red shorts, I’m thinking with the Disney ears I’ll be just about bounding but we’ll see. I know what you mean about being body confident though, I may chicken out but I’m going to try! Ah that’s so cool about Be our guest, when I tried to book months ago all the dinners were booked up, the only reservation I could get was the breakfast and I’ve heard this isn’t the proper experience but I took it just in case! Always good to meet a fellow Disney park enthusiast, if there’s one place you can’t feel sad it’s Disney that’s for sure! x

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      • Nara

        Woohoo! That sounds awesome. Yeah we always go Disney ears – I had Minnie ones for our Orlando trip and winter / Christmas hats with ears last time we did Paris. Why not get black tights and yellow shoes for Minnie bounding? You could do yellow flats!
        With BOG we only got the reservation at the last minute. We had breakfast and lunch as well (same day 😂) as I just booked them but then maybe a couple of weeks before we went we got dinner. Dinner is different as it’s a sit down meal and you can have wine, and also you meet the Beast whereas he doesn’t come out at the other meals. But you will love it either way! You still get the whole experience of sitting in the ballroom or the west wing or the Rose room (we did ballroom twice as I love it!). Yeah you can’t feel sad at Disney! It’s awesome! Can’t wait to go again! X

        Liked by 1 person

      • ramblesandstruggles

        Ooo black tights and yellow shoes is a great shout – thank you! I will take a look and see what i can find! Breakfast and lunch sounds awesome! Yes i did hear about the beast only coming out at dinner, I will keep checking the website every day to see if a dinner reservation comes up. So glad you said we’d still get to experience the nice rooms even with breakfast, i feared we’d miss out with just having breakfast – thank you and thanks again for all the tips! x

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nara

        Oh no, you still get a fab experience and if you are not crazy for the beast (my favourite film is beauty and the beast) then it’s not such a big deal. TBH I think the food is better during the day as I prefer simpler food! I have a load of pics of it on the blog, October 2015! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • ramblesandstruggles

        I just had a look at your blog- Be our guest looks just stunning – wow! I have also read about the Epcot food and wine festival and that’s on when we’re there so i’ll be sure to check this out. I’ve been to Florida a few times before but never stayed on Disney property or even had any idea about all the restaurants – it literally is like a whole different world! xx

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      • Nara

        Oh yeah meant to say definitely go to Primark as they always have a load of Disney stuff and it’s also on delivery every week. I had so many t shirts and also they do nightwear which is good too! And I had a Disney bag for the parks too!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Nara

      I realise that sounded oddly juxtaposed but you know what I meant… Disney’s the ideal place to forget about life’s sorrows. For us anyway. It’s like you can just pretend that everything is wonderful and not think about real life!

      Liked by 1 person

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