The old feelings

on

Confession time. Sometimes I can be a real bitch. That’s over a decade of infertility for you! Sometimes I feel the old jealous, mean feelings coming back. 

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while and it’s probably just going to sound like a massive whine. But I keep meaning to blog more, for good and for bad, so here goes. 

We are having a small naming ceremony at home for B. In our new flat! It’s going to be mainly home made stuff and a small group of friends and family and hopefully will be really lovely, but I don’t want to write about it too much on here because it’s a nice thing and this venting is not, so I’ll write it up separately. 

The reason I want to vent is because I just feel hurt that it’s very likely none of my siblings will be attending. Now they all have reasons, some of which are better than others in my opinion, and I know this is all mumzilla and B won’t give a flying poop about any of it, but to me it’s about something deeper, which is the fact that I never thought I’d get to have a baby and it’s a special occasion I want to mark and none of my siblings can be arsed to attend. 

This is unfair of me of course and that’s why I’m venting on here. But I’m finding it hard not to feel salty about it. Well mainly about my sister. 

One of my siblings can’t attend because of living in a different country that’s very far away… Efforts were made but it isn’t going to happen, sadly. But they (sibling plus partner) are going to record a reading and try and FaceTime in to the ceremony, so at least they’re making an effort. 

My brother who lives not that far away is probably not going to be able to make it with his family because of my niece’s (medical/developmental) problems. I get that it’s hard. I can’t imagine how hard it is. (Although she’s been fine when we have seen her sporadically including a few weeks ago when we went out for a family gathering – it was closer to their home though.) They seem to not want to take her out anywhere. Again. I get it. But they can go out for things they want to go out for. Just not for me/us. 

I know it’s not quid pro quo but I went to her christening around what would have been my due date for PB (my first pregnancy, after IVF, that ended in miscarriage). I didn’t want to go but I sucked it up and even though I felt crappy about it, I turned up. 

I probably would feel madder with my brother but ever since they identified my niece’s health problems I’ve felt all my jealousy for his perfect life dissipate. But my sister in law didn’t come to my baby shower and nor did my sister. In fact none of my family came. 

My sister has point blank refused to come. My new niece was born a month ago and she says it’s too far to travel. I’m sure she has a point. It’s about a 3hr drive between us. She says that the car seat manufacturers say the baby can’t be in a car seat for more than two hours at a time and I’m like… Haven’t you heard of rest stops?! It’s not like she would be driving anyway – I always sit in the back with B and T drives us, and we have driven way longer than that and B is perfectly fine. But she’s very highly strung and she won’t hear any of it and anyway she’s really stressed about feeding and whatever and sticks to some convoluted schedule that apparently she can’t deviate from by a minute. 

I also felt during my pregnancy that I couldn’t really be happy because my sister then was going through IVF (a frozen transfer not a fresh cycle) and she was completely nuts about it so I wasn’t able to celebrate it. I always have to mute my feelings for hers because she’s so prone to anxiety and depression and I’m always the one talking her down from the ledge. 

She’s super demanding as well, even when it’s not convenient for us. She insisted she wanted the Sleepyhead (cot cushion) and I could have sold it locally for £70 as they hold their value (cost new £110), but instead I walked to the post office in the rain and queued up for ages so that she could have it on next day delivery because she needed it right that minute and kept asking me to send it straight away. Bearing in mind I was doing her a favour and saved them £110 and lost myself the resale value of £70! And it cost me a decent amount to send!

The thing that really upset me on top of the naming ceremony non attendance was that she’d said when she was pregnant that she wanted the electric rocker… It cost around £150 new and so rather than selling it when B was done with it, we had it in the tiny living room of our tiny flat for the past four months. Like you don’t really get how small our flat is… The frame took up half the sofa and the rocker was balanced on piles of boxes because we had to move it around when we wanted to move around! So I was pretty p*ssed off when she sent a picture of the niece in a new rocker they’d just bought. (Same make but cheaper model than the one that has taken up our living room for four months.) 

When I said about the rocker she had asked us to save for them she said she “forgot, sorry.” Yeah that is fine… I mean we’ve been tripping over the damn thing for four months but whatever. 

Man, I was so annoyed. I’m sure that this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back and this is just showing what a horrible person I am. I’m also really annoyed with her because all she does is complain and find things hard when she didn’t have to go through a fresh cycle of IVF (though made sure we all felt her pain), has had an uneventful pregnancy, a healthy baby and she gets to take over a year off work when I had to go back after four months. Not to mention their huge house they just bought. (Our dream house is a two bedroom apartment. Theirs is a five bedroom house!) She’s just a Class A whiner. 

So I get that I’m being unreasonable, I really do, but I can’t help feeling upset about this. She had previously asked us to reschedule the naming from July or August to September so she would be able to come but then decided she didn’t want to. 

I guess… I know I would have gone if it had been the other way round. I know that babies can travel. And B has always been a pretty easy baby. So I don’t have a full understanding of what it’s like to be hating motherhood or whatever because I don’t get why you’d go through everything we’ve been through if you didn’t want it. They didn’t even have half the problems we had! I know it’s not the pain Olympics but jeez. 

I also know I’m feeling annoyed because we have a history (as with all relationships) and she’s always the looked after one, and I’m always the one who has to be looking out for her and making sure she’s okay, and just for one day I wanted to celebrate something good that means a lot to me. (Which of course we will still do.) 

She’s having a lot harder time with motherhood and probably prone to post natal depression and of course I’m expecting too much. I’ve just spent my whole life with her being the vulnerable one, and the one who needs looking after and building up, and it feels kind of crappy that the one day where we have to celebrate B and the happiest thing in my life, none of my siblings will be there. 

I also know that when it comes round to her daughter being christened or whatever that we will all have to go. I haven’t even been to see them yet as she’s weird about people visiting – didn’t want anyone to come when she was born, and said she only wanted a visit for like an hour, which is kind of a crazy expectation on a six hour round trip. Now apparently she’s ready for a visit, we are busy every weekend in September and anyway I feel annoyed about the naming and I don’t feel like seeing them until that has passed and I have it out of my system. 

I keep telling myself to suck it up and stop feeling annoyed but I can’t help it. I feel super resentful. I also know rationally that I’ll have a better time without her there, because she’s super high maintenance and usually has a miserable face on her and would want to leave early and whatever. 

I also know she’s trying to make up for it but its just ridiculous. Like she sent me £40 vouchers for cheese because I love cheese and I was annoyed about the rocker but firstly what am I going to do with £40 of cheese and secondly the cost of the rocker and the sleepyhead was a lot more than £40. I know she’s trying but I just want her to leave me alone until the naming is over and I’ve had a few weeks to get over it. 

I think I’m just sick of being the okay one, the strong one, and I want someone to acknowledge how f*cking hard this has been and what an amazing thing it is that I’m a mother.

Most of the time I’m fine at concentrating on that and not concentrating on the sibling stuff. 

So there you have it. I’m not all sweetness and light. I feel pretty bad for having these feelings. I know most people sympathise with her rather than me because people have been feeling sorry for her all our lives because she’s the one who doesn’t cope with things and I always do. I’ve always been the okay one and she’s always been the fragile one. And I know this is a total foot stamping moment on my part and I’m not proud of it. 

You can’t pick your family unless you adopt them (ha!) so I am just venting… In a few weeks I’ll be fine, and anyway I want to concentrate on making a really nice day to celebrate B and if my siblings aren’t there then whatever; my friends will be. My aunt and uncle even changed their plans to come from up north (further away than my sister) so that’s nice. And our best friends will be there who know how much this means to us. 

29 Comments Add yours

  1. Hello Nara!
    I do understand your feelings and being annoyed!! So just vent it! I have brother who has had a baby 6 months before us and your story reminds me our family difficulties and some it has reminded me my old feelings 😀 and new ones as well, when he and his wife think that they are the best parents in the world knowing everything 😀 So just vent!!! It is going to be fine, as you said. Enjoy your day with little B! 😉

    Btw. I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award, have a look if you want https://withcoloursandcanitointhekitchen.blog/2017/09/05/the-versatile-blogger-award-award-2/

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    1. Nara says:

      Grr that sounds so annoying! It’s always the horrible old feelings that come to the surface, hey! Thank you so much for the nomination; that is so sweet of you! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Indeed! The good thing is, that those feelings will disappear again for a while! 🙂 You are very welcome! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d be completely annoyed if none of my siblings could be bothered to come to such an important event for my child! Honestly, it sucks and I think all your emotions are legitimate. I’d be so disappointed.
    As an aside, one of my siblings has NEVER been to my house, we’ve lived here for 6 years. It’s only a 3 hour drive to visit. He missed meeting Little MPB. He missed his first birthday. And, I’m sure he’s missed a few other things in the last 6 years too. And no-one will ever complain or comment about him not coming because he’s the one with “issues”. The worst part is that I no longer even try with him.

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    1. Nara says:

      Oh my goodness! Six years! That’s crazy. All my siblings have met B, thankfully. I guess I’m just hurt by this but I’m sure it will pass. I can’t believe your sibling hasn’t met little MPB!

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      1. I have to explain a bit better – the sibling has met Little MPB, but only because we went to him. He’s never made any attempt to visit us and so he’s missed all of Little MPBs exciting moments so far.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. sbach1222 says:

    OMG! I was annoyed just READING about your sister!! I have a very similar one in terms of fragile-ness and everyone sympathizing with her because I am the strong one. Totally get you there sister. Also, sounds like they are BOTH very materialistic!

    B’s naming ceremony sounds so wonderful! I am so glad that you get to celebrate YOUR AMAZING ACCOMPLISHMENT! You have done such an amazing job in getting B here safely and taking care of him every day. I know how much work that is! Great job MOM!

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    1. Nara says:

      Awww thank you. Yeah total foot stamping moment on my part and really just venting. It’s weird how we settle into these roles. Argh!

      You’re right, the day itself will be lovely! I know it will. I guess I just can’t believe that none of my family came to my baby shower and then my siblings are all missing his naming!

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  4. Well, I think you’re justified in being annoyed. Also, just because those are the roles you have always played, doesn’t mean you always have to. Maybe a bit of a vent to your sister at some, appropriate moment?

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    1. Nara says:

      Ha! Yeah I wish! I can’t really vent to her as she’s super fragile and would probably go off the deep end. Although I am probably not going to speak with her before the naming and for a while until I have it out of my system. Also if she ever invites us to her daughter’s christening I’m going to be busy.

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  5. Ugh I am so sorry hon. Regardless of any of your sister’s issues or anything else it is totally ok to have a foot stamping moment about your siblings not coming the the naming day. I totally get why it would hurt your feelings. You know as an externally strong person myself I find it is our curse that others just think we will be ok because we always are. They don’t know how to support us because we’ve appeared to never need it. It is interesting how we fall into these roles and patterns within our relationships. As you say, time will roll on and your sibling relationships will repair which is a good thing. But it’s ok to feel like they totally suck right now. Love how much effort your sibling overseas is putting in for you. Bless. X

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    1. Nara says:

      Yes you’re right… everyone always just assumes I’ll be fine because I always am. I want people to understand it takes effort to be fine! And to get a bit of credit, haha.

      I’m sure I’ll get over it soon enough. It just stings that none of them will be there.

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  6. MrsD says:

    Uhhh WHAAAT!? I’d be soooo mad! Actually, I WAS mad just reading your post. I don’t think you’re being anything close to unreasonable! What a bunch of self-centered drama queens! Based on that, I’d say you’re better off not having them at the party- they’d just ruin it with their attitudes anyway.

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    1. Nara says:

      Haha thanks. Yeah they are actually great (well my sister is a bit high maintenance but the other siblings are generally fun). I think I’m overall mad with my sister. My mum seems to think my brother may turn up without my niece but they haven’t responded to the invitation so I think it’s unlikely. Anyway we shall see.

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  7. sewingbutterfly says:

    That is pretty crappy. On the one hand I absolutely think you have a right to be sad and annoyed that your siblings aren’t making an effort, minus the ones out of the country (I think facetiming into the ceremony is so cute). Can’t your brother just come by himself, therefore leaving your neice at home in comfort?

    On the other, I know what it is like to struggle with feeding issues and overwhelming feelings of “what have I done”, “I am not cut out for this” and depression. So I can understand your sisters reluctance to attend. She sounds like she is trying to control things by having routine and sticking to the recommendations. I did this for the first few weeks as well. The thought of going to my GP (only a 20min drive) was daunting and had me in tears because I didn’t know how to feed baby without 6 million pillows around me and completely topless. The only reason I went is because I had a fever of 39 degrees and needed urgent medical attention. Thankfully, my GP was amazing and I decided to hell with the recommendations and to follow my instincts. Formula, baby wearing, no strict routine, cosleeping for naps etc. I still struggle with the “what have I done” feelings because my son is amazing and he deserves someone better than me (I am working on it). So I sympathise because I know how all consuming those feelings are.

    I certainly do not condone incessant whining though (I have a sister who does it constantly). And it is just the latest issue in a lifetime of you supporting her etc. It gets old really fast! I pulled back a lot from my sister and still do. If she starts whining about something I have heard 10 times already I say “You told me about this last time we spoke, what do you think you will do about it?” Then I change the subject because she usually has no answer. I use phrases like “you should speak to your psychologist about it, how about that delicious food at the wedding” or “that sounds like something you should discuss with XYZ, what are you up to on the weekend”. If she keeps whining I nope out of the conversation. Probably you do this already!

    I hope you have a lovely day with the people who do attend 🙂 I love that you are loving motherhood and enjoying B so much 🙂

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    1. Nara says:

      Thank you for this perspective! I agree that I’ve definitely had it easy when it comes to B (although he was sick for a week or so which wasn’t fun, last week) so I don’t appreciate what it’s like to have all the issues. Then again my sister is the type to have issues with anything. I mean it was completely predictable that she wouldn’t cope very well and she’d probably get post natal depression. (I don’t know if she does or if she’s just being whiny. Her natural persona is depressed / anxious.)

      I guess I had an expectation that now she has the baby (that she said she wanted, the lack of which was making her unhappy so I couldn’t celebrate mine) that maybe she would be a bit more “normal” but that was obviously too much to ask!

      I’m just mad right now but I’m sure I’ll be back to being the strong one and fulfilling our normal roles soon!

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      1. sewingbutterfly says:

        Its hard! I am in the same ‘role’ as you really. I have depression (on and off since I was 13) although I struggled postnatal I didn’t get severe PND. But my sister has anxiety and depression and we are always supporting her and because hers was “worse” than mine and because I am older, I got none.

        It takes a toll and I think you have every right to vent and be mad or sad about it (sorry if my original comment came across as critical, I just reread it and it was perhaps a bit harsh of me). I would be mad too.

        Can’t wait to hear about the naming day celebrations 🙂 we did my son’s baptism when he was 2.5 months old and I did the same as you, just at home with people and it was really relaxing 🙂

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      2. Nara says:

        Nooo it didn’t come off critical – it provided some balance and I am aware of it! I was the same – I had some depression when I was younger but my sister was far worse so we were always busy looking after her and there was no room for my problems because I could cope. And also because I’m older too! I guess I haven’t really shared things with my parents about that as I always just dealt with my own problems.

        And I also know that people have vastly different experiences re going out after the baby’s born. We were out and about walking straight away (even post c section I just walked slowly) but some of my NCT class stayed in for weeks! Actually I’m sure that affects mood also.

        I actually have the next three days off to prep for the naming as I’m making everything myself! Eeeeeeek.

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    2. Nara says:

      Oh and my mum seems to think my brother may come by himself but I’ve had no RSVP so I’m thinking he probably won’t be attending. My sister in law didn’t respond to my baby shower invitation either and didn’t turn up so I’m thinking it’s a no.

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      1. sewingbutterfly says:

        Well that is just rude. At least RSVP!

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      2. Nara says:

        That’s normal for my family!

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    3. Nara says:

      Also I’ve only seen the niece and nephew when I have massively pushed to see them. They just tend not to make an effort to see us.

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  8. I have a little bit of sympathy for your sister with the travelling issue, as I had some post natal anxiety and was terrified of everything in the early days (e.g. taking Baby Flat in the car, strangers, generally leaving the house! etc). It does sound like she has post natal depression (and possibly anxiety), which must be pretty bloody awful. BUT, that aside, it sounds as though she has a pattern of being a bit of a victim and a bit of a whiner, which I can COMPLETELY see is insanely annoying! The stuff with the electric rocker is just plain rude (if she’d really forgotten, surely she’d be apologising profusely and offering the full sale price to you then sort out selling it herself?) and I can’t get my head around the sleepyhead drama (I mean: what a diva?! and why didn’t she pay the postage costs?!).

    I remember everything with your niece’s christening and it was amazing that you sucked it up and attended. I really hope your brother shows up, even just for a few hours, as surely he doesn’t have to be with her 24/7 when your SIL is there? It’s not nice when you feel people will make the effort for other people/things, but not you.

    I’m really sorry your family are being a bit rubbish but hopefully the friends that do turn up will make it a fantastic day! x x x

    P.S. I hope B and Dog have matching outfits for the day…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think you’re being too harsh on yourself, we all need those ‘footstampy’ moments just to vent (plus that’s one good purpose of the blogs). I would feel very similar to you given all the effort you’ve made, vent away and don’t apologise. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human and keeps you sane xx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I get this because I am the strong one / no fuss one in my family and sometimes it makes me feel lonely or overlooked, too. My entire family showed up for A’s baptism, though…so I am a little pissed for you! 😉 I love you and I know the ceremony will be gorgeous and sentimental under any circumstances. I am sorry for the drama and hurt. You do deserve a day of lots and lots of support and celebration!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. RJ says:

    Super frustrating and totally understandable to be annoyed. I hope the day is lovely and you enjoy celebrating B.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. wonkygenes says:

    My brother is pretty useless too and I wouldn’t be surprised if he did the same in that sort of situation. Focus on your little family and have a wonderful time. I’m sure you will XXX

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ummm…I totally think she’s being unreasonable! I feel bad if she has post partum but the crap she is pull by just isn’t cool. I flew 1100 mikes to be there for my niece and nephew’s baptism. I think she can handle driving 3 hours with an infant.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Totes get you! My sister asked on facebook how I was and what’s our new adventure – I sent her a text about my infertility and that was over 2 weeks ago. She texts my mother several times a day and is constantly on social media. She won’t be attending thanksgiving because her and her boyfriend are going camping like usual on a family holiday or birthday. Sometimes being the “bigger” sister sucks but someone has to do it!

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