Tagged: first trimester

IVF 2: A quick update (11.5 weeks)

Wow, I haven’t been good at updating lately. I do have an excuse, which is the new job / new house / pregnancy triple whammy! But we had our first NHS scan today so I thought I should update quickly. 

Long story short, baby is apparently fine! He/she is a complete wriggler. It was great to see. Baby was measuring around 5cm which is on track (11 weeks 4 days) and had a good heartbeat. Excitingly it was my first non-internal ultrasound, which I have to tell you is way more pleasant an experience!

It’s hard to believe this is the time most “normal” people would see baby for the first time. I feel like we have seen him/her a few times and been super scared that we won’t make it to the next scan (me, not T) and so I’m amazed that others blithely experience this and don’t worry at all. I do feel I am relaxing a tiny bit. Like I think we are moving forward into the second trimester, almost. But not yet. 

Our 12 week private scan is on Wednesday. It will be when we have the Nuchal stuff. Although we also had that today. The sonographer said that our baby didn’t have any of the warning signs for Down syndrome, etc but I also had a blood test taken. If it’s bad news and we need further tests, they’ll contact us within 3 working days and if it’s clear then they’ll send us a letter within two weeks. So basically we don’t want to hear from them!

We also heard back from our harmony test from last week. It was inconclusive, which apparently happens to 35% of people. The midwife said not to worry about it. They redid it last Friday so hopefully we should get the results by next Friday. If we are those “rare” people where they don’t get results then we would get the test refunded. (It was expensive so I suppose that’s one bit of good news!)

Obviously the main hope is that nothing is “wrong” with our baby. T is adamant that if he/she had Down syndrome he would want to have the baby. His sibling works with special needs and I have experience of that too, though not DS. I think it’s really hard to say what you would do, and I’m hoping that we don’t have to make that decision. 

We are excited (probably me more than T) to find out the gender, which happens with the harmony test. Otherwise you wait till 20 weeks. We discussed it, and whilst we both just want a healthy baby, I have a preference for a boy (I just always thought I’d have a boy) and T has a preference for a girl, so either way we will be happy! I really just want to know so I can get my head around it. I know I would be over the moon with either, so whilst I have a preference I think the sooner I can start thinking of the baby as a son or daughter, the more I will become excited at whatever they are. 

We have moved house finally! Which was really quite a big job… for the removals guys! Poor guys. I mean we paid them a lot of money but I think the 8ish flights of stairs at the new place probably did them in. It’s been a few days settling in – we can barely move for boxes – but I absolutely love it. It will take a while to unpack but I just love the area. It’s in a big development, right next to the river, and although we have no garden or balcony, there is plenty of outdoor space to take Dog. Including a dog friendly park literally across the street – I already met some nice dog owners – and if you go the other way, long walks by the river. Bliss!

On the pregnancy side I have felt sooooo tired. I’m afraid I’ve been really lazy and let T do most of the clearing out of the new place (not to mention my complete desire to avoid the crazy b**** neighbour). It got a little bit stressful – we were getting rid of our furniture and T posted it on the FB group and she claimed it. In the end we gave it to her (without her knowing that T is with me). I was quite upset about it but his point was it saved us money having to get rid of it, which is true. I said just not to talk to me about it. The other meddling neighbour who caused this whole s*** (detailed in my last post) also got stuff so I was just upset and didn’t want to think about it. I’m hoping karma bites them both in the ass. 

Anyway the tiredness means I haven’t unpacked much. I have done bits but then just get hit with tiredness. It’s nuts. I mean I’m lazy at the best of times but this is ridiculous! T says it’s because I’m growing a baby. We have sort of laughed at all the stairs and how I’m going to cope with those – we even have stairs inside the flat. But I figure it’s a good problem to have! And will keep me to a minimum level of fitness!

New job still seems to be enjoyable. Having a few issues with the guy who works for me but I don’t think that’s exclusive to me. My boss seems to be on my side. So my guy is going to have to figure out how to work with / for me, or he’ll be moving on. Generally I’m enjoying stuff fine although it’s always a bit frustrating trying to find stuff out when you first join a place. Everyone seems really nice, which is great. And got my new pay packet at the end of the month, which was awesome – plus my unspent holiday pay from the last job, so I felt very in the money! Until I promptly transferred it to the joint account! It’s nice not to worry too much about money through as I have doctor’s bills to pay. 

A few fun things planned for the next couple of weeks. I have a catch up with my two friends from school next Saturday. My BFF who lived overseas is one of them so I’m super excited. She usually spends quite a lot of summer here so we catch up. I’m also going to go and see her for a long weekend once we have some dates sorted out. The other friend is my oldest friend from school. She drives me crazy at times but she is still a great friend! We are going to meet up with another guy from school who lived overseas who’s in town that day, which is cool as I haven’t seen him in years. Then we are going to go window shopping and dinner and just have a nice girly time. 

The weekend after that is one on one BFF spa day on the Saturday. I’m very excited as we are going to a brand new spa plus we have afternoon tea! Although I need to find a swimsuit that fits! Also T is away on holiday that week so it will be good to have something to do. I am increasingly happy to spend time just with Dog pottering about the place though! On Saturday T went to the old place to sort stuff out and Dog and I had a lovely day, out for breakfast at our new local dog friendly cafe, where instead of glaring at him (as we are used to), everyone smiled and petted him! Any friend of Dog’s is a friend of mine!

I’m really hoping that we continue to jump these hurdles and that this is our year. (Well, baby would be born in January so I guess this is our prep year.) It really feels as though everything is going our way for once, after the horrible last year where everything was different. I am 11.5 weeks, 12 on Wednesday and I know that isn’t out of the danger zone but the chances of miscarriage start to drop. I keep thinking that normal couples do this every day without a second thought… I just hope one day we can join them. 

IVF2: A catch up

How did it get to be that time? I’ve been rather lax about blogging of late, for a number of reasons. Last time we spoke was way back in week 8, and since then I have:

  • Started a new job
  • Been madly packing up our apartment
  • Bought a house (well, an apartment/flat – it is London, after all)
  • Been waiting to get through the next milestone (our 10 week scan, this weekend)

Any one of those things would be kind of a big deal, but for us, it seems like it’s happening all at once.

Another reason I’ve sort of taken a break from blogging, apart from the fact that I’ve been busy, is that I’m still anxious about this pregnancy. I’m now 10 weeks 1 day and I haven’t miscarried, and I have various symptoms, but I really don’t feel like I have faith in this pregnancy yet, although I’m choosing to distract myself with thinking that it “might” happen. I mean, it will sort of happen if/when it happens and I have no control over it, but I had to take myself away from the constant pregnancy / infertility stuff for a while, just for my own sanity. So I’m sorry if I haven’t been as supportive as I could be to any of my blogfriends… I am thinking about you (and I went on a comments jag yesterday so catching up!) – I will be back properly soon, I promise!

The other reason is one of the pregnancy symptoms, I think – I am so tired! I feel absolutely exhausted most of the time right now, especially in the afternoons and evenings (oh and when I get up in the morning – so all the time then). I can’t even describe it. Maybe it’s that I usually have coffee every morning and whilst I haven’t entirely sworn off coffee, I have only had it very occasionally. But also I seem to be hit with this kind of uncontrollable tiredness in the afternoons, and it’s all I can do to get home and get to the sofa and then to bed! It. Must be a pregnancy symptom as I really am usually a minimum sleep night owl. 

Anyway, here are some updates:

New job

I am really enjoying it! It seems to be going well, subject to a few minor hiccups that will hopefully iron themselves out. (Eg I have a man reporting into me who seems sort of resistant about the idea of reporting into a woman – he’s going to have to get over that pretty quickly. And the tech isn’t quite what I was used to!) All the people I’ve met seem to be great. My new boss is awesome. The first day on the job he was called away and told me to take the second day off! So funny. And when I’ve told him about various things, he says not to worry. And he’s taking me (and others) sailing tomorrow… Life could be worse. I kind of can’t believe that I’m being the most I’ve ever been paid to do this job (which doesn’t seem to be very stretching so far… A nice kind of pregnancy relaxing job, as T said) but I’m thinking it’s maybe the calm before the storm. I’m trying to enjoy it whilst it lasts!

 

Packing

T has been quite cross with me about how slow I’ve been to pack. I don’t think he fully appreciates the pregnancy symptoms which manifest themselves as laziness! Probably because I’m quite lazy generally! Half our apartment (a big open plan studio) is full of boxes. It’s good I have T because he keeps telling me what to do. I’d never do it on my own!

All moving stuff is incredibly stressful though. Trying not to stress about it as it can’t be helped. Just massively annoying it’s taken so long to resolve when we should have been able to move in a nice relaxed way when I was working my notice period. Fortunately new job seems reasonable and I think they will be okay with me moving.

 

House buying

We exchanged and completed on our new place! Finally! We pick up the keys tonight. This is super exciting and long overdue. We last saw the place (tiny tiny!) 5 months ago which is insane, so we finally get to go and see it tonight. We probably won’t move until next week.

Ooh, I’m back from picking up the keys and seeing our (our!) new place and I’m pleased to announce that it is still lovely! Well – it’s teeny tiny but I love it. It’s in an old building (we only live in old buildings it seems!) and has lots of characterful features (eg wooden beams you bang your head on if you’re tall, which I’m not). I can’t wait until we are properly settled there. 

 

Pregnancy 

I’m still pregnant as far as I know! Last week I did a funny thing. I decided I’d always fancied going in one of those floatation tanks, and they had a Groupon offer, so I did it! So funny. It is like a big bath in a giant egg. You go in for a whole hour!


That’s it lit up and then you get in, close the lid and float. The water is all salty which helps you float. They play a bit of music for a bit and then it goes silent and you just… float. 

I quite enjoyed it really. It’s weird to switch off (no wifi!) but not unpleasant. Floating is fun. The one thing I would say is the salt water kept irritating my eyes – I wear contacts and I probably should have worn some goggles. Because of the heat and humidity you sort of get drips and sweat on your face, and then you try and wipe it off with your salty hands… Which means you do get stingy eyes. But maybe someone with not so rubbish eyes would be okay! Anyway I might do it again at the right price. It’s meant to be a bit like being in the womb… I can’t say I remember it, but it’s a kind of pleasant feeling!

In terms of pregnancy symptoms (or what I think might be symptoms) I’ve had the following:

  • Extreme tiredness as I described above. Always tired!
  • Nausea / extreme hunger – I sort of feel sick when I’m hungry, and then after I’ve eaten I have a sort of crash, and feel like I have to lie down and sleep – it’s weird. 
  • Bad taste in my mouth – I really need to drink something fresh or something like that, as I end up having this sort of dry or bad taste in my mouth. I’ve noticed this a lot. It ends up with me drinking lots of water or eating fruit! Odd!
  • Sensitive to smells – I’ve always had a keen sense of smell but I feel like I smell stuff really strongly now. I’m especially sensitive to BO on the tube or bad breath. Or food smells (like T had some corned beef which I can’t stand and I almost killed him!). 
  • Food cravings or aversions – I don’t know if it’s actual cravings but I definitely feel like eating certain things and not others. I’ve always been a fussy eater but it feels a bit different, like it takes me a while to decide what I want to eat at any point. I’m quite into clementines at the moment (healthy!) and weirdly not as into chocolate or pizza as I usually am. But in terms of meals it’s like I can only eat what I “feel like”. Today I had quiche! I can’t think of the specific things as it varies by day but it does feel a bit different than my usual faddish eating. 

I think that might be it. Obviously stomach and boob swelling. Generally all over fatness. It’s quite horrible in that way and I feel very unwieldy but not much I can do about that. I stopped weighing myself last week as I was getting stressed. Also I feel so sick at times I just have to eat something. 

 

Other stuff

It was Father’s Day in the UK last weekend. I think it’s the same most places whereas our Mother’s Day is different. I sent my dad a card with the 8 week ultrasound in and got an excited call from my parents on the Sunday! It was funny. They’re happy although obviously concerned for me after last time. I keep trying to temper my expectations with the idea that “if it happens” and so on. It sounds really negative but I can’t count on it just yet. Maybe at 12 weeks. 

I got T a father to be card for Father’s Day! He seemed quite pleased. I didn’t even know you could get them but I saw it when I got my dad’s card and thought I should try it. 

We voted today! For those of you not in the UK, I’m talking Brexit. I actually did a postal vote as I wasn’t sure if we would have moved by now, which we obviously haven’t – so I voted last week. I’ve never seen a vote where people were so vocal about it. 


If you want to know how I voted – I say we need to stay European and fabulous!

 

Next steps

Two more days till we see our little baby again. I hope s/he has grown. The midwife said if we get past 9 weeks it’s seen as a good thing. So we shall see. 

A final thought: When we got to our new place tonight, I had post! It was a letter from the hospital where I’ve registered, our new local hospital, giving us our booking appointment (the first appointment with the midwife to start planning the birth). It’s on a weekend so T will be able to come. It was a really nice thing that my first letter there was that. 

The ex owners also left us a care package of food, tea and coffee, biscuits, crisps and chocolates! It was really nice. 

Here’s to new beginnings… and staying pregnant. The next milestone!

ÔĽŅIVF 2: In the meantime

Sorry for the slight radio silence. (I read back through my blog a bit the other day and realise I do blether on a lot! So a few days silence is silence! ūüôā

Truth be told, I’ve been trying like heckery to not think about this part. The extended two week wait until the first scan. I’ve been doing everything I can do to distract myself, but you’ll realise this was of limited success if you read to the bottom! Thank you for the comments on my last blog. I didn’t reply but I liked them… I just feel a bit emotionally fragile right now, so hopefully you understand. I’ve been trying like anything to not think about this pregnancy and what might happen/go wrong, but of course it is constantly on my mind.

First up news: My first (early pregnancy post IVF) scan is booked in for Thursday 2 June! I finally have a date. This coincides with a girls weekend where my old schoolfriends are coming to London to visit. I’ll be seeing them Friday until Sunday. It is maybe not so weird for me (as you can guess maybe, I’m the sort of person who stays in touch with all of them individually) but the four of us haven’t been together in one place for, like, ever. Possibly since school. There are five of us really although my BFF lives overseas and can’t make it, but I’m seeing her the following month, and I speak with her all the time, so it’s not so bad.

Anyway in terms of timings this means I have a lot to knock off in a few weeks. We are still trying to complete on our house purchase but it seems to be going nowhere fast. This is frustrating but T is phlegmatic about it and is sort of “It’ll happen when it happens”, which of course is true and something that my dad might say. (My dad is always extremely validated that I picked someone who has a lot of the same attitudes towards life as he does. His favourite sayings are “There’s no point worrying about things you can’t change”; “There’s one thing that is certain in life, that things will change”, and “Put the maximum amount you can in your pension”. I sh*t you not. When he found out T had made me pay off all my debts and hang up my profligate spender card, as well as put the maximum in my pension, he was overjoyed and validated. Just imagine if I actually manage to have a baby with this man! T – not my dad. Obvs.)

I am due to start my new job the week after seeing my schoolfriends. It would be awesome if we could move house before then, but it seems quite unlikely given things are just dragging on. (Solicitors disagreeing with each other over who’s sent what. Ugh.) Anyway, as my dad/T would say “There’s no point…” Etc.

I’ve been trying not to think about the first scan, but of course it’s all I can think about.

The nurse who called up was so nice, asked how I was doing, and when I said I was worried said “I’ll pray for you”. I almost cried. I mean, I’m not religious at all (I like the idea, I really do; I just can’t believe, despite or possibly because of having gone to a lot of churches in my time) but it was a nice thing to say. She said “You must believe it will be different this time” and I thought, that’s so illogical. Why would it be different? I lot of things are the same! I’m still the same defective infertile person. Anyway, I’m trying. Which partly means distracting myself. Heavily.

Here are some pictures to show what I’ve been up to.

This was the present that I got for the girl at work whose mini baby shower I did last week. It was so cute I had to get it for someone! Bloomers! I totally would wish for a boy (because I feel like it’s hard being a girl!) but stuff like this reminds me that girls are pretty cool too. Haha. (Honestly this is stupid; I’d be grateful for a child of any gender.) It’s the last week for my work friend before mat leave so we are mainly on wind down and enjoying gossiping about annoying people at work. (Blessedly, the Blimp hasn’t been in for a while, possibly because she has morphed into Jabba the Hutt.) Also, someone else at work announced her pregnancy. I have actually taken it all pretty well. Maybe this is because I’m sort of hopeful, but then again I’m used to everyone else being pregnant apart from me. I end up doing the baby talk with everyone and recommending buggies and whatnot. Anyway she had her Skype baby shower and it went really well, and her mum (mom!) posted a nice message saying thank you for doing this baby shower for my daughter, so it felt quite nice really.

I don’t know if this is a pregnancy craving or a greed craving. For some reason I have found myself craving hash browns. Something about them being salty and crunchy. Also McDonalds fries (which I don’t usually like that much – I’m not big on “chips” as we call them in the UK). I’ve definitely had some random food cravings but I can’t tell whether it’s wishful thinking or whether it’s actual pregnancy craving. I think it’s probably just knowing that I have an “excuse” to eat junk food. Although my other craving (or food desire) has been fruit, and less chocolate than normal and less of the other stuff I usually like, so I really can’t tell. I find I feel a bit sick in the mornings but not morning sickness or anything, more that I feel super hungry. I don’t know if this is just because I’ve been greedy lately. Either way it’s a bit odd as I never usually eat breakfast apart from at the weekend. But maybe it’s just all the drugs. Symptom wise I feel like I have fewer, other than the humungaboobs which I can’t really attribute to pregnancy as I think they’re also caused by the drugs and progesterone. It’s hard to tell and it’s sort of driving me crazy. (More on that later.)

I felt a bit better the other day as I organised all my remaining meds into this tin. At the moment our house is sort of in disarray because we have started packing things up, so there aren’t many spare surfaces. This is actually sitting on top of our freezer! Ha. It made me feel a bit more organised. This includes: Vitamin D, Omega 3, baby aspirin, prednisolone, Pregnacare, Omeprazole (plus some old folic acid). It doesn’t include the Fragmin (heparin) injections and the Crinone (progesterone) which are in the bathroom. I think I have just about remembered what I need to take when!

Then I got to thinking of things (read: fantasising about things) that I will get if it turns out all to be going badly and I’m going to have a miscarriage, or I’m not pregnant or something horrendous like that.

I don’t think that other people (apart from infertility bloggers) truly grasp the horror and fear that is associated with this stage. Yes, I’m pleased that we got to the positive pregnancy test. But we got that far before. We also got to the 6-7 week ultrasound and saw a heartbeat. So I know that things can still go wrong then. I feel so scared about this, and I also feel like I can’t enjoy anything about the pregnancy (because maybe it isn’t a pregnancy) and I am scared of having another miscarriage, because it hurt so much physically and emotionally. Also I’ll have started my new job so I know I won’t be able to wallow for two-three weeks like I did last time. I’ll have to go into work, bleeding, cramping, passing clots and baby. So maybe it sounds melodramatic but if you haven’t been through it I don’t think you can understand how close that fear feels.

One of the things I’ve been saying to myself is that I’ll treat myself to things I’ve had my eye on for a bit, if the worst happens. This is of course not at all any kind of consolation, because I know I’ll be inconsolable. But it gives me something to do, to window shop in the meantime. (This wait is torture.)

Here’s one thing on my wish list. A lamp! Although I would prefer it for a child’s nursery. Here’s hoping I have a chance to buy it one day.

These boots came up on my social media feed and I love them. They’re stupidly expensive handmade ones though – I usually only spend about ¬£15-30 on shoes (I’m an utter cheapskate) so at ‚ā¨200 (about ¬£155) they are outside what I usually pay. But they’re so cool! I also think it’s a bit foolhardy to order boots from Spain in case they don’t fit. But hey, if I am feeling terrible about my body in miscarriage-recovery like I did last year then at least shoes are sympathetic where clothes aren’t. I have had such difficulty finding clothes to wear as my boobs have swollen up and so has my stomach. I’m hoping that this all becomes worth it and I can move into unashamed pregnancy mode rather than having to try and lose weight afterwards. I think especially during this time it’s important to try and salvage a bit of self-respect and feel a bit attractive. This is hugely challenging for me right now as I’m double my usual size. (Well not double, slight exaggeration but I’m about 20kg above where I want to be. 10 for definite.) So I have tried to buy things that I can wear and feel a bit less like my chest and stomach are being compressed. These beauties are on the list!

This ring is from Arosha jewellery and I have wanted it for, like, ever. I love it. I have a thing for rose gold and I love pink and blue together. He does a lot of rings that look like they are from the sea. I think this is amazing. Although possibly OTT for everyday wear, but hey! Why not?! I don’t wear a lot of jewellery but I love the look of this one. It is a definite commiseration present to myself if everything goes bad!

What else have I been up to?

I also got my first ever “stranger” cake order yesterday! Which is nuts. It’s usually for friends or friends of friends so I know they’ll actually honour the order. 

She called me up yesterday pm and said, “Could you do me 18 rainbow themed cupcakes for tomorrow?” 

I’ve been on wind down at work (I finish beginning of June) so thought what the heck, I’ll do it. Took me all evening (I was going slowly) and I decided to do 3 different types, and this was the result! It was quite funny as I did it all on trust, like I didn’t take a deposit or anything. She came all the way from somewhere that was at least 1.5hrs drive away! I did say to her “Are you sure you don’t want to go somewhere closer?” But she said she wanted to get some from me!!! Which was nice to hear. 

Then she turned up this morning and I was like, phew, although my coworkers would happily have eaten all the cakes. Then she didn’t have change so I had to go and get some change from inside my flat, and she said “Do you want to take this money whilst you go and get it?” And I was like, “No, if you drive off, you drive off…” I came back and couldn’t see her and thought, wow! But then she appeared again as she’d popped to the nearby shop in case I couldn’t find change! It was all quite funny but did give me a sense of satisfaction that I had managed to take an idea, make up an order and all with just a few hours notice. (For the record, she seemed very pleased!)

One of the other things that’s happened in England this week is THE RAIN. OMG. It turned into Noah’s Ark weather even though we’ve had summer lately. (I know, you guys overseas will laugh your heads off at this as it’s not hot at all for you… 20-something C.) So I decided to cheer myself up and get a nice new umbrella. (I know, I really know how to live, right?) My existing umbrella is a bit knackered and broken and annoying so I wanted a proper sprung one that is automatic and actually deflects the rain. 

Here it is! Almost worth the rain for sheer cheery-uppy points!

 

IVF WAITING LIKE FOREVER EXTENDED TWO WEEK WAIT UPDATE

Reader, I cracked. Seriously, I’m going a bit mental here. I know it sounds like I’m a total Negative Nelly but I just can’t imagine waiting another two weeks from here until the first scan. I know realistically we can’t see anything until 6 and a bit, but I guess I’m the sort of person who wants to know.

So… I went and got a beta (blood test HCG) at a private clinic. Seeing as I’m on work slowdown it means I can pop out as it’s not far from the office and it was all really quick. The place I went to was here, which has an awful pink website but is really nice when you get there. I was literally in and out. You pay upfront (before you go). I spoke with a nice woman on the phone and she said I could just do the two tests roughly 48hrs apart and see what the numbers say.

Now I know that betas have a huge range. But we don’t do them at my clinic, so I feel like I need some sort of indication that it’s progressing… Or not… Before the scan at 7 weeks. Like I just can’t imagine waiting another TWO WEEKS to find out whether it’s going the same way as last time or not. I’m soooo scared even to think that it might work out, and I feel like at least if the betas say something then I can prepare myself if it’s bad.

I texted T and told him, and I think he was quite interested. A lot of the worrying I’m doing right now, he’s sympathetic to but he feels we need to be positive. I just don’t feel positive right now and I want some sort of reassurance if it’s going the right way… Or to be able to prepare myself for the worst. I looked up the ranges online and they are really far apart but I think the important thing is to understand that the HCG levels should roughly double every 48hrs. So the second test is Friday morning (ideally before 11am as then they can get your results back the same day) so that means hopefully I should know by Friday pm whether betas look promising or not.

T did make me think when he asked whether the news would be interpreted or broken to me by a sympathetic doctor – this isn’t the case! It gets emailed to you. On the website it says “Beta HCG levels are clearly shown and we will clearly comment on the likely meaning of the result.” So I think maybe I will work from home (in inverted commas) on Friday…

Wish us luck!

Day 83: A quick check in

I want to apologise for the radio silence this week. It’s been a really rough week after last week’s scan which was inconclusive. I’ve just tried to get through each day and tried not to think about it – when really I’ve been thinking about it all the time

I really appreciate everyone’s support so thank you to everyone who commented with best wishes and encouragement. It means a lot. I really mean it. Hardly anyone knows so that’s been one of the difficult things. I can’t talk about my fears to anyone. I texted my dad to tell him and asked him to tell my mum not to call (I know she would want to and I can’t face it)… I’ll give them an update tomorrow after our follow up scan. 

For those of you worrying about T, we made it up pretty quickly. He even came home to see me at lunchtime and I just lay on the bed and cried and he looked after me. (I am so not a crier. I didn’t think I would cry. But now I feel like I will if it’s bad news tomorrow.) He is definitely coming to the scan tomorrow!

I’ve been trying to reassure myself with the fact that I’ve had no bleeding. I did a pregnancy test which was still positive. But then did some research to say it still would be, even if I was going to miscarry, so stopped doing any more. But… I don’t seem to have any symptoms. No morning sickness. (I’ve never had any.) Boobs still huge but I’m sure that’s the progesterone. Fat but that will be the pizza. I just feel very despairing about it as I’ve read online (I know I know, I shouldn’t but I wanted to understand the chances) that miscarriages seem to happen a lot around the 8 week mark. The just “not growing” type.

On the positive side I read some balanced facts here about miscarriage. 

If the scan does pick up a heartbeat and the baby appears to be the right size according to your dates, this can be very reassuring, even if you are still bleeding.

Research has shown that if you see a heartbeat at 6 weeks of pregnancy, the chances of the pregnancy continuing are 78%.
A heartbeat at 8 weeks increases the chance of a continuing pregnancy to 98% and at 10 weeks that goes up to 99.4%.

So things could still go wrong and sadly sometimes do, but as long as there is a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage decreases as the weeks go by.

Some of this applies to me (the heartbeat) and some of it doesn’t (the size wasn’t right and I haven’t had any bleeding). 

On some days I dare to think that we have got to be in the 98% and not the unlucky 2% who have a heartbeat at 8 weeks but the pregnancy doesn’t continue. (Our scan last week was 7wks 6days so almost 8 weeks.) But when I got back from the scan I had a lot of stomach cramps. I don’t know if this was stress, or miscarriage, or the fabled “womb expanding” that would be a good sign. I haven’t had that since though. 

I also had an email straight after from the nurse who’d tried to stop me and get me to sit down. The nice supportive one. She said she hoped I was okay and was rooting for me, or words to that effect. I then emailed her back saying thank you for caring and she sent me this one back:

I just didn’t want you to walk away feeling sad and unsupported. We care about you and want you to be happy. We cannot control what is happening in your body but we can certainly help by supporting you emotionally and keeping you informed with what’s happening. So that’s what I want to do! Times like this are so hard because there is nothing we can do to change the outcome.

Next week’s scan will confirm what is happening. It will either be good or bad news. There won’t be any more in between. All we can do is prepare for the worst and continue to hope for the best. I have fingers and toes crossed that the little one was just a little slow to pick up and is going to continue to be a healthy baby. So I’m going to be believing that for the next week.

It was so nice of her. But it kind of solidified things in my mind. I hadn’t been kidding myself or catastrophising. It really was unusual to have to come back for a third scan in 3 weeks and it is horrible to have to wait and see and not be reassured. And even being reassured tomorrow wouldn’t work. It’s just being back to slightly worried rather than really worried. 

So that’s the update. It’s been a horrible week, made better by T and Dog. I have a big cake commission this weekend which will keep me busy, and the party (a landmark birthday) where I’ll know whether I can drink or not. And tell my friends that I’m having a miscarriage, or not. It’s not something I’m looking forward to. 

T has tried to make it better by saying if it doesn’t work (he’s convinced it has though) we will book a big once in a lifetime holiday in a few months. We’ve been wanting to go to The Magic Kingdom for ages. (The proper one in Florida – we go to the European one all the time.) It’s expensive but we are going to do it if the worst happens. Stupidly I wish Dog could come but I don’t think he’d enjoy the rides or the dressed up people! He already barks at the TV every time a dog or animal comes on.

So… Tomorrow. I’ll either be going to The Magic Kingdom… or Mothercare. 
Sending hugs to everyone who’s going through **** right now. (And the rest of you!)

Day 74: Time to go up a size

Well, I’m now 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I still feel a bit on the rough side but the slight upside of this weekend’s less-than-summery weather is that my hayfever appears to have died down. I still have problems breathing which is quite disconcerting, and I have read that apparently pregnancy seems to have an effect on the mucus and whatnot (giving you a runny nose, so maybe it wasn’t the hayfever, although my eyes were also bad and the sneezing… gosh, the sneezing… ugh) and also that it can exacerbate any asthma you might have.

I’m that sort of awkward person who has always refused to believe I could possibly have asthma. I mean, I really don’t. I do however have a little collection of inhalers which I was given when my hayfever got really bad a few years ago. I did that breathing test (where you have to huff-puff into a tube, which isn’t easy I think… or perhaps I’m just making up excuses for why I was so bad at it) and it turns out my lung capacity was pretty poor. There is definitely some sort of breathing thing going on because I do get relief from taking the blue inhaler (salbutamol). But it’s something that only seems to affect me in summer / hayfever season. Anyway, thankfully the itchy eyes and snotty nose and compulsive sneezing has died down, leaving me only with shortness of breath. I’m just taking the inhaler everywhere and hoping for the best.

The weirdest thing now is that I definitely now feel like my stomach has got bigger, and I can’t really believe it could just be down to me being greedy. (Refer to my many posts about pizza… and the little Pizza Baby as I have christened T-to-be.) I sort of feel like there is something swelling under the flab. So this weekend I decided I needed to go and buy a new pair of jeans.

I have these pairs of jeans that I’ve been wearing for the past year or two, and they were¬†miraculously in a size 6 UK. I mean, this is ludicrous for starters because there’s no way I’m a size 6… I pinky promise you it’s not a humblebrag¬†– Marks and Spencer in the UK is known for the vanity sizing.¬†However I am very short, which does mean that overall I’m smaller¬†and can actually get away now and again with buying things in smaller sizes. It doesn’t mean I’m skinny.¬†I’m what could definitely be termed… umm… flabby.¬†I realised this weekend I needed to go and buy a new pair of jeans because the old ones wouldn’t do up without cutting off circulation, and I still want to be able to wear jeans, and I tried on a pair of ASOS maternity jeans and they were utterly horrendous on me. (Not at all like the model on the website who clearly is neither preggers or flabby.) So I thought I’ll just go and buy a pair of M&S jeans in the size up. Anyway… I needed to get a size 10! Which is really good for a UK size, I mean it’s a perfectly acceptable size and all, it’s just not so good when it’s 2 sizes larger than my existing jeans and they are still a bit tight to do up!

Anyway, I bought them. I decided I’m not comfortable buying anything “maternity” until we make it to Week 12 at least and anyway I will always wear the size 10 jeans as “fat jeans”, even if I’m not pregnant. I am hoping that the flab-belly turns into an actual bump at some point so I can feasibly get something pregnancy related like maternity jeans, although I’ve not much hope for the stuff I’ve seen on offer so far. None of the stuff I’ve tried seems to fit in a decent way and is all made for people whose legs are about a foot longer than mine are. (I hasten to add, the only reason these jeans fit is they’re meant to be “ankle grazers”, ie shorter than usual… They aren’t on me!) I’m telling myself the size 6 jeans I bought several pairs of were some sort of sizing anomaly and I haven’t really porked up 2 dress sizes. Eek.

In terms of body image, it has to be said I’m at an all time low. I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. The problem is… pizza… and happiness in relationship… and then the fertility drugs… and pizza. So although I’ve given up drinking I still seem to be porking out. I’m telling myself I don’t mind because it’s more important that Pizza Baby is happy and healthy and gosh, we never even expected to make it to this stage. But part of me still has this kind of “Agh” moment when I happen to catch sight of myself in the mirror and I resemble a beached whale. (Again, I am not humblebragging¬†at all –¬†I’m very short so anything over a size 8 and I start to resemble a chunky monkey, and now I’m a size 10 pushing a 12 I’m beginning to resemble Violet Beauregarde in full on blueberry phase.)

Also, perhaps this is TMI but I’m starting to worry that I’m not very attractive to T. I already started worrying about this about a stone ago, but we were focusing on the injections and everything and trying to get pregnant, and now I think that I’m just¬†ugh fat and minging and it makes me feel a bit sad. I’m not beating myself up about it unduly, I mean it won’t stress PB, but I definitely notice that I feel completely different about my body image than I did before. Like I don’t even want to get undressed in front of him any more. (I used to be the kind of person to parade around in my undies and dance about a bit.) I know this is just a bit of messed up female body image stuff, but it makes me feel worried. I do kind of half think that if the bump works out then that will kind of suck up some of the excess stomach flab, and at least I’ll have an excuse to look fatter, but right now I’m feeling very sensitive about it.

Another thing is that I don’t even want to meet up with people I haven’t seen for a while as I’m conscious that I’ve put on so much weight. This is really screwed up, I know, but then again we’ve all thought to ourselves¬†“Well she’s porked out a bit”¬†or somesuch when we haven’t seen people for a while. I think I just feel very sensitive about it because even before we went through IVF, I put on quite a lot of weight over a couple of years. I was definitely underweight / on the thin side when I met T, having just come out of a long term relationship/marriage and gone through a really tough time. So I had a bit of growing room. But then I kind of grew right through normal and now I’ve headed into porky. I actually now class as overweight on the BMI scale when I used to be at the low end of normal.

This wasn’t meant to be an introspective post but there you go. I think I’ve had a bit of a complex relationship with food and body image before… I’ve never been anorexic as such, but people close to me have, so I’ve always had this kind of complicated relationship with food. I’m more of a functioning fussy eater, although the things I like to be fussy about are junk food (pizza!) and chocolate. I’m one of those people who is sort of all or nothing, and I think being happy in the relationship with T kind of gave me permission to eat what I liked – because I felt secure and loved. T is not thin at all – he’s a normal kind of guy who doesn’t really care if he has a bit of a belly. Whereas I’ve always been on the small side and I’ve fluctuated wildly – I think in total my fluctuation in the past has been 16 kg, which is massive. Weirdly I don’t think people notice much in between although if I go down to a low weight they do start to comment.

The thing is, I don’t want to get back to being underweight / skinny again – I wasn’t healthy then. I was just existing on cigarettes and alcohol (in the wake of my marriage breakup) so it’s not like that’s a sustainable lifestyle. I don’t even like smoking any more. It was just part of my sort of nihilistic phase. I’m actually coping okay without alcohol – I don’t find that I crave it – I just miss the social aspect as not drinking in the UK leads to social awkwardness. But I really don’t feel comfortable being this fat. I think if I get to the stage where I have a bump, I’ll feel more secure that I am pregnant rather than fat. Right now I just keep thinking, what happens if I lose the baby – then I’ll just be fat.

I realise this all sounds rather messed up. But I’m trying to give an accurate and honest reflection of my entire infertility journey and all the feelings that go with it. I hope that in a few months I’ll be a glowing big-bumped pregnant woman and I’ll be able to look back and think “What on earth was I thinking?” – I hope this is just a temporary madness.

Another thing is, I am invited to a work related (ex work) do this week, and it’s someone who I would always support and I feel really bad because I don’t know whether I feel up to going. First of all I don’t feel comfortable in public due to all the reasons above about body image. The last time the people from my previous work saw me (most of them who I haven’t seen since I left, or not recently) I would have been a lot thinner. So I feel like they’ll all be thinking “Omigosh she’s gotten so fat”. Which isn’t a nice idea. The other reason is that I still haven’t got to grips with the idea of going out and not drinking at a drinks reception. I have done the one (daytime) work event where I picked up a glass of champagne and wandered around with it and put it down again, but I’ve not yet braved an evening event. I’ve just avoided them all so far. All my friends know I’m busy at work, and I think when/if I manage to reach 12 weeks then I’ll be able to go out and tell them why I’m not drinking. Anyway I feel bad about this event because I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d be really upset if this person didn’t attend my event – we were very close. I don’t know what to do. I think the person will be really upset / offended if I don’t attend but I don’t know if I can really face all my ex colleagues and a not drinking / drunk situation when I am not ready to announce the pregnancy yet.

Sorry this has turned out to be a bit of a pity party! I’m not really sitting around feeling sorry for myself as such. The change in body (putting on weight) without yet having a bump is taking a bit of getting used to. And I just don’t know what to do about social situations.

Do you have any advice if you’ve been at this stage before?

If you’re at this stage or coming up to it, what are you planning to do in¬†these situations?

Answers on a postcard…!

 

Day 72: Telling the parents

As some of you know, I had a pre-arranged visit to my folks scheduled. I have been super busy at work so haven’t even had much chance to speak with them on the phone, and it’s Father’s Day in the UK so it seemed like as good a chance as any to make the trip to come and see them this weekend. My project from hell has more or less finished (let’s not mention the client who messaged me this week – twice – to get me to change one letter on a ppt…) so I have a bit of breathing space. So I bundled up Dog and gave T the weekend “off” (to go carousing!) and took a 2hr train ride to see them. 

And of course I’m pregnant!

(As of yesterday it was 7 weeks.) I knew I’d have to tell them as I’ve mentioned before that we are a rather “continental” family when it comes to alcohol… ie wine is served at every meal. (Not always breakfast!)

It started as soon as my dad picked me up at the station. He said “We need to pick up some wine for you on the way back” (I like ros√© and they tend to drink red and white). We already had to go via the florist as my mum has had an operation and I had ordered a bouquet for her from her favourite florist. So we went and picked up the bouquet. Here it is…

 
I asked for something different to what she usually has, which is all one colour – I wanted a cottage garden look. I think it turned out nicely. 

Anyway, then my dad again mentioned we needed to go and pick up my wine!

I asked if we could go straight home as I needed the bathroom and hadn’t been able to go on the train as I was looking after a rather restless Dog. (He was quite naughty and kept trying to run all around the first class carriage. Fortunately we were travelling at off peak time and people seemed to find him funny.)

Got home, handed over the flowers, and then my dad mentioned again that he was going to pop out to the shops to get my wine and what kind of wine did I want? I kept ignoring or avoiding the question. He must have asked it about six times until I went and got the envelope with the ultrasound in and handed it over…

I gave him the envelope and said “Now stop asking me about ros√©!”

He looked at it (the last ultrasound we had which is basically nothing but a black blob) and then he showed it to my mother and they were so happy.

It was really lovely. My mum was crying and my dad was looking really quite emotional (considering he is usually very rational) and they were hugging me and I was telling them “It’s only 7 weeks” as I didn’t want them to get their hopes up… but I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid the wine otherwise!

It was nice because we haven’t told anyone so it was just really nice to be able to celebrate it with someone. Especially their reaction being so positive. I mean, this is the third grandchild (1 already born and one gestating to the same SIL/bro) so I kind of thought that they’d be sick of them by now, but they were over the moon. Also it almost seemed like it was more exciting for them because I was adopted… I don’t know why I felt that but they were just so happy and kept talking about little [ethnic] grandchildren and being all excited so I definitely didn’t feel like it was second best. I kept having to remind them that it still may not happen! But they were just super happy.

I guess the other point is that I had quite a hectic few years lately so I think they were worried for me. Obviously some of this is in the context of my mother knowing how it feels to have fertility problems – that’s why they adopted me and sibling #2. (They later had 2 bio children… In total they must have had about 15 years of infertility so similar to mine. More on that story under Adoption on the nav bar!) I was in a long term relationship which ended up in marriage and then separation. During that time I had a load of “women’s problems” including having some operations. So I think they were just worried I was “leaving it too late”. (Oh how that grates on me but at least they realised when I told them that this had been over a year in the planning!)

So yeah, it was pretty nice to have some good news and to be able to celebrate it. Now I just need to get through the next 5 weeks and make it through the first trimester… I really want to tell my (3) siblings but think it’s a bit soon yet. One of them lives really far away. I think I don’t want to have to retract the good news if something goes wrong so it’s likely we’ll wait until 12 weeks (if we get that far). I probably will also try and avoid telling other people unless I really have to. My BFF and I are doing a spa day with champagne lunch in week 11 so I think I’m going to have to tell her! I’m really hoping to be able to celebrate it properly soon… although I have a sense that I probably won’t feel even slightly reassured until week 20 or more.

Until then I need to try and control the delinquent Dog who is being extremely naughty chasing my mum’s cat. Suffice to say they are not best friend furry cousins!

Day 70: A little blob with a flicker

Let me start off by saying I’m still worried. Maybe this is just me and my low expectations but I guess I’ll carry on worrying until / if we get to 12 weeks. And then I’ll probably worry some more. It’s not bad news but it’s not good news… It’s just news. Well, he’s still hanging on.

Anyway, as you can see… We had an ultrasound and here he is.

Introducing: Pizza Baby.

(This is a bad phone picture of a print out.) Right now Pizza Baby is 5.3 mm. This means he’s very on the small side. According to my pregnancy app, I’m one day off Week 7 and at week 7 he should be 1.3cm. At Week 6 he should be 6mm. And he’s still smaller than Week 6. They said it was fine and as expected but…

I think I have anxiety because from the outset the nurse was like “This is very early for a scan” and then she was digging around with the wand and then had to get the doctor to come in and everything and then they said “It’s not very clear” and so on. They just sort of seemed to be being a bit… delaying things, or fobbing us off. She kept saying it wasn’t clear enough although the doctor said he could see the heart beat.

To my mind he just looked like a round black blob. And there was a flicker of white on one side. Obviously it was massively magnified as the little guy is like Week 6 size or a bit smaller, so he’s half a centimeter which isn’t very large at all. So the little flicker is probably like less than a millimeter.

In the end they said in order to put my mind at ease (as if!) they would do another scan this time next week. So that’s another week’s wait. I mean it’s obviously more like 5 weeks wait (for a 12 week scan) unless something goes obviously wrong before then. But I just felt like they weren’t telling us something.

T says I have to stop worrying as it’s bad for the baby and he seems to feel absolutely fine about it. I mean, he keeps referring to “the baby” and saying I’m pregnant and need to take it easy and stop worrying. Oh and stop being anxious because it’s bad for the baby. (This is right up there with¬†Just relax and you’ll get pregnant in my book. Easier said than done.)

We saw the nurse afterwards and she was quite matter of fact (not my favourite lovely nurse who is the most reassuring nurse in the world) and she said that everything is fine. And I asked why we were having another scan and she said lots of hospitals would discharge us now to the doctor (as in go back to the normal GP and not be a special case) but they felt that the scan wasn’t very clear and wanted to give us “the benefit of an extra scan”. And also that it was booked in early. (I don’t think it was booked in early – I mean, it was booked in by the fertility nurse and is apparently a normal time to have an early scan.)

So I sort of feel in limbo. I still don’t feel elated or anything. I felt nervous and almost like I was going to cry before the scan. I now feel like…¬†What if he isn’t growing? He’s already on the small side. Why are they giving me an extra scan? Is there something wrong?¬†etc etc.

I bet this sounds really stupid and ungrateful and I’m¬†truly grateful that I’ve managed to come this far. I really am. It just feels more worrying somehow. And I find myself feeling really resentful of¬†normal women who just get p!ssed and instantly get up the duff (pretty much all my friends) and don’t worry at all about pregnancy, announce it really early, sail through it, don’t worry about symptoms and miscarriage and everything. I don’t think they even do anything for the first 3 months. I could be wrong, but I think they just relax and wait for the first trimester to be over.

And the other thing is, in the UK we don’t have all the tests you guys in US/Canada seem to have. We don’t have bloods taken or anything. I just have Crinone (progesterone gel) which I’m supposed to take until week 10-12 and folic acid and the odd ultrasound. If we hadn’t scheduled an extra one for next week then I think I wouldn’t have¬†anything until an ultrasound at 12 weeks, and normal people just have that one and nothing before. Go figure! I’m not sure if this level of testing puts my mind at ease or whether I’d feel better having tests more often. I think I would probably feel better if I had the blood tests, betas and whatnot as at least I would see some sort of progress. I guess if we go back next week and he’s still 5.3mm (or worse, disappeared) then we would know.

 

Oh and now it’s time for a mini¬†vent…

I have this one friend who I feel like it’s really difficult to remain friends with. She is just the smuggest person in the whole entire world. She was always a real party girl and drank loads and it’s like everything she wanted just fell in her lap. She wanted to get into a relationship – done. Wanted to get married – he proposed (after being told to). She was even really quite old to be thinking of getting married and starting a family (40+) and yet decided she’d stay on birth control until after the wedding because she didn’t want to get pregnant before getting married. You’d think the odds were low for conceiving in your forties with a really unhealthy lifestyle – heavy drinking and overweight – but no, when does she conceive but on her honeymoon. Whilst drinking.

To add insult to injury I’ve had a really tough time at work and whilst she was pregnant, T lost his job so we were completely stressed and strapped for cash. During her pregnancy she decided she didn’t want to work any more so gave up work. Sold a house, bought a house. Spends her days doing nothing but counting up money and being smug. (Do I sound bitter? I am bitter.) Also I might add that she always expects a lot from people financially – like she picks out her own expensive birthday presents from Tiffany & Co and expects everyone to donate, and even booked her own hen do in a really inconvenient out of the way expensive place and demanded we all paid her the money. Probably at a profit to her. I wouldn’t put it past her. It’s not like she is generous either – she is the stingiest present giver in the world. One year I got her MAC makeup. Her most recent present to me was a second hand book and the previous one was some stickers to put on your nails. (I am not 16 and the likelihood of me wearing nail art in my corporate office is nil.)

She’s now had the baby and we are expected every time she’s in town to make some sort of pilgrimage to go and see the baby. (Just to be uncharitable for a minute, it is a very weird looking baby. Miaow. Then again, ugly babies make cute adults in my experience so it’s probably going to be a looker.) I mean… Every. Time. And she actually messages me each time to try and harangue me into going to see her (and THE BABY), even though it’s usually at some out of the way location which would take over an hour to get to, and she books The Visitation at 6pm or something (when anyone with a job in the city is still at work). And even though I told her I was working 18 hour days. Another time she was demanding everyone made a trip out of town (I don’t have a car) which would have been a 5-6 hour round trip on a Sunday. I said no thanks.

So yesterday there was another invitation from this friend, and another smuggy smug ultrasound on Facebook (different people) and I just felt like screaming.

Why can’t I just enjoy this pregnancy?

Why does everyone else get to be all happy and pregnant and I just feel anxious?

Answers on a postcard…

Day 69: Spring clean

I’m just waiting… and trying not to go mental waiting. It seems absolutely¬†unfair that you have to wait soooo long to try and be moderately assured that you might have a normal pregnancy. I’ve also been having a little rant to myself about how unfair it is that other people just get pregnant and don’t worry about it. (I know… We’ve all been there… Welcome to Pityville – Population: Me.)

Anyway…

We have our first scan tomorrow. I will be just-off-7-weeks: 6 weeks 6 days pregnant, according to the fertility IVF calculator thingy. (I still can’t work out how that works, but if it says I’m getting closer to 12 weeks then I’ll take it.)

EXCITING! But also scary. I know I’ve joked that I’m worried that little baby T might be made of pizza, but my main worry is that there are tonnes of things that could go wrong and this is the first opportunity they might have to spot it.

Maybe I’m not in the right frame of mind about this. I’ve been quite hermit-like lately what with the hayfever and the pregnancy. I don’t know how long I can keep it up without going a bit mad. I am a social person (who likes drinking socially, not to excess mind you… unless you count British drinking as excess, which let’s face it, most other countries probably do) and I miss that. But I also feel pretty dodgy in myself, as in I feel overly hormonal and PMT-like and I also have horrific hayfever. It means I haven’t been sleeping well which then has a knock on effect at work. I also feel super tired and I seem to spend most of the time outside of work just sitting on the sofa, trying to breathe (I’ve had to use my inhaler a lot) and sleeping. Not much fun for T, sadly, although I’ve been making a great squishy cushion for Dog.

CAVEAT: I know that I’m lucky to have gotten this far, and I’m super grateful to have been able to do this with minimal financial investment (Dog bless¬†the NHS) and I know that I am way luckier than lots of people, and I want you to know that I’m not ungrateful at all for this opportunity. I don’t want to be all¬†ooh, I had IVF and I got pregnant first time and I’m whinging about it because that’s just annoying. I’m just feeling kind of vulnerable and anxious about how viable the baby is right now and if you can’t vent on your own blog, where can you? I promise this does not negate the fact that I’m grateful and everything.

It’s like: I now have this little life (pizza?) inside me and suddenly I’ve gone from being all blas√© about it possibly not working (why would it when I’ve never managed to get pregnant in¬†15ish years when I could have done?) to suddenly being¬†invested. I know I’m not one of those people for whom having a baby is the absolute be all and end all – how could it be when I never thought I could?¬†and we’re happy as a couple and we have a fun nice life¬†– but it’s different now, because I wouldn’t just not been able to have one – I’d have lost one.

In the spirit of keeping myself busy, I’ve done a little spring clean on my blog. Do you like it? I was getting annoyed with the last theme. I wanted something¬†simple and¬†clean (a lovely contrast to my not-simple and not-clean mind!) and so it’s been perked up a bit. Let me know what you think.

I also thought it was worth pointing out to my regular readers (ha ha!) that I did actually get around to updating my About Me page. So if you want to know more about me and my story, then feel free to check it out.

I’m trying to take each day as it comes, but I’m pretty anxious about the whole thing. I think the worst thing would be to come this far and then finally having gotten used to the idea of¬†having a baby, for that to be snatched away again. It has been so great to find this world of infertility blogging and “meet” all you fantastic people, but it’s also made me feel really aware of the multitude of things that could go wrong. I mean, I’ve only had long term infertility – I’ve never actually lost a pregnancy, because I’ve never been pregnant. So suddenly to be faced with the prospect of losing it… I don’t like that idea at all.

Anyway… I’ll try not to have a breakdown before tomorrow. Scan is tomorrow morning UK time so by the time a lot of you are up, I’ll be able to post an update. I’m just praying (in a non-denominational agnosticky kind of way) that it will be positive news. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer! I promise if it’s good news I will be squealing through cyberspace!

Day 68: I’m now bureaucratically pregnant

Went to see the doc this morning as planned. It was all very nice. She was lovely. I had to get my blood pressure done and we sort of joked about everything (I joke with all doctors, I mean how else do you make light of the fact that they’re peering up your undercarriage) and she was really nice and encouraging. She said to stop doing the pregnancy tests and just take it one step at a time. Which is good advice. I’ve been quite good and not tested since Friday which considering it’s now Tuesday is pretty good going! (The knicker checks though… Seriously.)

She filled in a form which says what you’re doing and where you’re going to get registered. The hospital she suggested is part way between my work and home so it makes sense really. Although in a slightly dodgy area. (What can I say – we live in a dodgy area.) We had IVF at the hospital near my work which is a bit more salubrious, but I guess it makes sense to be closer to home. It’s quite a modern hospital and I’m fairly sure our friends had their baby there a few months ago so I think it will be okay. I’m still not convinced I’m getting that far.

Also gave me a prescription for some nasal spray as my hayfever is not really improving and it’s quite miserable. She said it should be fine but I’m trying not to take any risks so not sure I will take it too much. And I filled in the form to get free prescriptions in pregnancy. So I am bureaucratically pregnant! (Personally I am amazed nobody at work has said anything about the¬†humungous bazookas although I guess that might be a sackable offence. They must all be wondering if I’ve had a boob job.)

We have the first scan (7 weeks) on Thursday so I guess we’ll know more then. I also read that the most chance of miscarriage is in the first 7 weeks so if we can just hang on a few more days… C’mon Thomas! (*T’s name for the embryo-baby-thingy and not the name of the child if it’s born.) So I guess that’s kind of a big thing. I’m hoping he turns out to be an embryo-baby-thing and not pizza.

Other than that I haven’t had any obvious sickness although I have gone a bit weird on food. But I’m always weird on food. For instance I’m always eating. I think it’s to get rid of the nasty taste in my mouth. And only certain things. For some reason I can’t stand the idea of certain foods. But I’m always really fussy about food so wondering if it’s a placebo effect.

In order not to feel hungry at breakfast (I never usually have breakfast and just mainline coffee but have given it up) I made some overnight oats. I usually like quite unhealthy things for breakfasts (fry ups, Maccy Ds, ham and cheese croissants, anything with bacon) but for some reason I don’t fancy that. Maybe it is a pregnancy thing or maybe it’s my body finally telling me to stop being so lardy.

Overnight oats (vegan! healthy!)

Overnight oats are a revelation for the lazy cook / person who works in an office and can’t be bothered to do fancy stuff. And they are completely customisable to your tastes. For example, many of the recipes have banana in them but I don’t like banana (a childhood growing up where there was a surplus of bananas and a banana in every packed lunch will do that for you). So I don’t use that shiz.

All you do is stick the ingredients in a container (the hipsters use mason jars… I use Tupperware) and stir it and put it in the fridge overnight. That’s when the magic happens. Overnight the raw ingredients turn into a sort of cold porridge. It doesn’t sound appetising but I promise you it is.

Before 

 

  • 1 cup oats (the cheap ones from Lidl that cost about 39p and you make porridge from)
  • 1 cup almond milk (you can use any milk… I’m not keen on dairy and if you use it the oats won’t be vegan, obvs)
  • A liberal shake of cinnamon (I love cinnamon – you can add any other flavouring you want)
  • 2 teaspoons chia seeds (they’re a sort of magic superfood that makes everything more gel like)
  • A handful of halved strawberries (you can use any fruit you like)
  • A spoonful of raspberry jam (because it was sitting around looking nice)

That’s it! You can add whatever you like really but the main idea is to have as much liquid as oats. Then it all binds together overnight and in the morning you can stir in a bit more almond milk and you’re good to go.

After

 

This was what it looked like afterwards. Yummy! And a little bit healthier than my usual options! Makes up for all the pizza… Probably not!
Have an awesome day everyone!

Day 67: Is it real yet?

I can’t believe we’ve been doing this for 67 days! That’s ages.

A quick recap:

  • I’m in my late 30s (sob!) and I have a history of infertility, involving operations, terrible periods, pain, endometriosis and so on… and never having been pregnant.
  • My partner T and I have been through IVF and I’m now apparently 6 weeks pregnant! Which is nuts.
  • I still don’t really believe it.

I have been feeling fine generally, although I still have that sort of metallic taste in my mouth, horrendous skin, humungaboobs and bloating that may or may not be attributable to pizza. Also, I’m not sure how to describe it really but I have this sort of¬†feeling inside but I’m not sure if that’s just me being weird or it’s actually A Baby doing something or other (growing, hopefully).

I’ve done 8 pregnancy tests so far – all positive. Amazingly I managed to hold off this morning which means maybe I’m chilling out or something. I last tested on Friday. I have my first doctor’s appointment tomorrow with a GP which might yield some additional information but I have no idea what to expect – it might just be the “I’m pregnant – how about that?” chat. I’ve no idea how it all works.

We have¬†our first scan on Thursday. Which is beyond exciting, but also pretty frightening. That will be 7 weeks and what if there is no baby? Maybe there is a blob made of pizza that’s excreting pregnancy hormones and isn’t actually a baby. Maybe it’s just me being fat and somehow the Crinone that I’m taking daily is doing something to skew the pregnancy tests? Apparently by 7 weeks we should be able to hear a heartbeat. I really hope that there’s something on Thursday.

I’m going to see my folks on Friday for the weekend – it’s Father’s Day in the UK so I thought I’d make the effort, especially as I’ve been so busy in the job. I’m going to tell them I’m pregnant, assuming I make it that far (I am never taking it for granted, sadly… I think I’m just too paranoid) as firstly I have to tell them not to ply me with wine and secondly, it would be nice just to tell someone. All my friends think I’m antisocial as I’ve barely been out.

I have to keep up the antisocial thing for 6 weeks! Agh! I’m not sure how I’m going to do that. It feels proper mean to keep ignoring or turning down social occasions. Although I’m so tired/lazy at the moment that I don’t think I can go out. I might be talking too soon but the hayfever seems slightly better this week, but that’s been pretty debilitating. I can’t stand all the sneezing and snotting! And I’ve been using the inhaler a lot as I can’t really breathe properly. Not ideal.

I’m just waiting with bated breath (what does that even mean?) to be able to celebrate the pregnancy and tell people. It would make it a lot easier and it would put my mind at ease a bit that everyone doesn’t think I’m a fat miserable old windbag. However I am absolutely scared that I might have a miscarriage / chemical pregnancy – I think you can’t be on these blogs and not realise the horrible things that can happen. Every time I read about people who’ve had miscarriages I just think it’s so awful and because I’ve never gotten this far before (I’ve never even had a pregnancy scare) I just think¬†that could be me. I actually cringe when I see people announcing “early” as I think, what if something happens? I wonder why I can’t just be happy about it like everyone else seems to be.

T and I have been sort of contented but I wouldn’t say we’re happy. Each step of this journey has been a “So we got this far… Now for the next hurdle!” so we have never really settled into celebrating the pregnancy. I guess maybe if we make it to 12 weeks we will feel better about it and maybe tell people. But I’m not going to do any announcements. We’ll only tell people we really have to tell, and family. It’s not that I feel like telling people would jinx it. I just can’t abide the thought that we tell people and then something terrible happens. I don’t take it for granted. I absolutely empathise with people who are going through infertility because for me it’s been a lifetime. I can’t believe it could have worked for us.

I want to believe that we are the 1 in 4 / 3 couples in 12 couples who started our IVF journey together who it works for.

That just seems nuts. It seems nuts that we could have won the IVF lottery. For it to have worked first time.

Tell me it’s not nuts. Tell me it can work first time!