Tagged: IVF cycles

Day 61: Forget the 2 week wait… This is the 12 week wait!

OMG, I’m at Week 5 Day 4 (39 days) pregnant and I want to ask you: How on earth do you deal with the waiting?

Waiting… and waiting… and waiting…

for something bad good to happen.

I know I’ve said this before and I’m honestly not gloating (because I know how awful it is if you aren’t able to get pregnant… I mean, I haven’t been pregnant ever in all my 30-something years) but I can’t stand the waiting.

I actually found the infamous two week wait pretty easy. That’s because I didn’t think it would work. (Although obviously I was secretly hoping it would.) I didn’t think it was very long to have to wait. But then we had a positive test (only just over a week ago) and suddenly we’re into a whole ‘nother World of Waiting.

It’s like I’m waiting for a time when it’s “safe” to tell people, but really I’m waiting for a time when it’s “safe” to start hoping that this pregnancy might actually happen. To have faith that he’s really there, that he’s sticking and that I have an actual baby inside me.

I know it’s happening. I have 7 (count ’em – seven!) positive pregnancy tests lined up on the ledge to show me that it’s happening. But I can’t stop this fear that it won’t fully happen. That our little baby won’t make it. I even started trying to put more days between tests (hence the seven tests in nine days) but I caved today and tested this morning because I didn’t feel like I could rely on the feeling of still being pregnant. This is crazy thinking!

I know in my heart of hearts that there’s nothing to be gained by finding out I’m suddenly not pregnant. I mean, if I miscarry then I guess I’d know about it and I don’t know what I would do if a test came back negative. (I don’t know because I have never been pregnant or miscarried that I know about… Although T keeps mentioning that my late, extremely heavy and physically debilitating periods could actually have been miscarriages – what a thought.) I assume that it would involve some sort of bleeding. I keep running to the loo to do the dreaded knicker check and I keep expecting there to be blood. (I think it’s generally the surplus of progesterone gel I keep having to insert every morning!)

My humungaboobs are still hanging around being huge, and my stomach seems larger, although that could be the bloat everyone talks about. And the fact that I keep eating a lot. I’ve been searching on blogs about the first trimester to try and understand what others were thinking and feeling during that time. Like when are you sure? I don’t know if I’ll ever be sure.

I know I’m really lucky that I’ve never lost a baby and I can’t imagine what that’s like. I think this level of paranoia comes from the fact that I’ve never been pregnant before and I almost feel like this is my only chance. It’s not my only chance at IVF – this is the first cycle we’ve tried and we have the ability to have 3 cycles funded by the NHS (bless the NHS!) so in theory if this doesn’t work we would be able to try again. Twice.

But I feel like this has taken a lot out of me emotionally. I’m not complaining of course. I know I’m lucky to have gotten this far and I’m super grateful that our NHS puts us in the position of having funded cycles. We probably wouldn’t be able to afford private treatment. Although I think it’s less about not being able to afford it and more about not being able to imagine putting myself through this more times. I really feel like if this cycle doesn’t work that I would be reticent about doing another cycle – it’s so invasive, and it is emotionally and physically draining. My body hasn’t been mine for 61 days and counting. If we have a live baby at the end then it will be worth it. But if we don’t… it doesn’t bear thinking about.

Really one of my main challenges has been not being able to tell people that I’m pregnant, so not being able to share that understanding and get that support. T is great but he’s just one person and I miss sharing stuff with my girlfriends. At the moment I’ve sort of been avoiding meeting up with friends (as I would usually be the one insisting we order a bottle of wine!) and it feels weird to think that I probably have to make excuses for another 6 weeks. I mean, they know I’ve been overworked but now that my project has just about finished, it means that they’re all trying to organise girls’ nights out and whatnot. I don’t know whether to go along and make excuses but I don’t really think I’d be able to lie to them.

Equally I don’t want to tell people and then something goes wrong and we lose the baby, and then we have to tell everyone… or respond to questions when they ask. That would be awful. And I’ve known people who had a loss very far down the line. I don’t know how they would deal with it. I don’t think I am a very strong person in that way so I don’t even want to think about it.

But I do.

I’ve done a calendar online so I know what week we are in, so I know when to expect in relation to other social events. I’m pretty much writing off the whole of June because that’s where we are now (I’m just pretending to ignore social invitations rather than making excuses) and then July because that will be our final weeks of the first trimester. In week 10 we are going for a little long weekend break with Dog (I’m very excited; Dog less so) and then in Week 11 my best friend who lives abroad is going to be in the UK for a bit in July and we’re going for a spa day. I’m not sure how I will manage to hide anything, not because I’m going to be showing a bump or anything but because I am usually the first one on the bubbly when we go to the spa!

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll probably have to tell some people “early”. Not many people. For example I’m going to see my parents next weekend, and in our household there is wine at every meal. (Even breakfast! Kidding!) Basically there’s no chance that I would be able to get away without drinking. It will be just after our first (early) scan and I will be 7 weeks pregnant. Assuming it all sticks. (AAAAAH I don’t like this worrying!) And then I guess our next scan will be something arranged with the GP. Do they do the 12 week scan at 12 weeks? I’ve no idea about these things. I guess most people start telling people around then, but I kind of think I probably won’t tell anyone unless I see them in person and I have to explain.

I’ve looked up the work situation and I don’t have to tell them until I’m 25 weeks pregnant! That is a really long time! I’m assuming they might have an inkling before then.

Anyway, that’s my blethering for today. Anyone who has any advice on the waiting game… Let me have it!

 

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Day 54: Clearer-blue

Just for continuity, I decided to replicate the not-so-Clearblue test this morning, as a control, because I like to think of myself as vaguely scientific and slightly irrational, before informing the doctor. It was a lot clearer this time… I think this is a safe cross! Whoop whoop. This was at 04:30 this morning as I tend to wake up at various times during the night and need the loo. T of course was delighted to be woken up at that time with the good news!

IMG_0307 (1)

 

I’m now feeling very worried about things as I’ve read up on chemical pregnancies and so on, and I’m not sure what to expect, and I want to know when we can be into the “safe” (ish) stage.

I know it probably sounds really pathetic but I’ve never been pregnant before and I don’t know what it should feel like. I don’t even know what to expect in terms of appointments, because I’m that kind of pessimistic realistic person who wasn’t expecting anything to work. I mean, I’m hopeful obviously or we wouldn’t try doing it. But I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed. So I haven’t even looked into what to expect. I had to look up the piece of paper they gave us after transfer and it says if we have a positive test then we go in for an early scan in 2-3 weeks. I’m guessing you can’t see anything at that time? We’re just supposed to email them and let them know the result of the test. And carry on using the Crinone gel… lovely. I’ve no idea what to expect though. I’ve never got this far before. I mean I’ve never even really suspected I’ve been pregnant before.

I read this stuff when people are upset because they haven’t gotten pregnant in a year, and I think mine has been at least 15 years… Perhaps I should have gotten upset sooner? Have I screwed up somehow? I just kind of always assumed it was a problem that couldn’t be fixed. (I’ve been lucky that it’s just very long term unexplained infertility and I’ve never lost a pregnancy – I’ve just never been pregnant.) Maybe this is why I don’t feel the same sort of grief as some people seem to on their blogs… I am not denigrating their experience at all; just trying to explain how I feel about it. Like to me all this is a nice bonus and not a life or death situation. I still would like to think that I could have a happy life without children, but whilst we’re in with a chance, I’ll give it my best shot.

I had a nice day off yesterday (Test Day! And again!). It was so nice to chill out and not have to do a load of stuff. Although I did do quite a lot! Went to the mall after all the drama over the pregnancy test. I ended up buying lots of them! (Thanks Arwen!) I have used the digital one which I posted yesterday, and the Clearblue cross one I used again today. I don’t think those ones are that great but it was good as a control and to see it had changed since yesterday. I also have the First Response ones which I’ll maybe use tomorrow(!) or something. I guess I should probably stop using one a day! It makes me feel a bit better that something might actually be there. I wonder how often you’re supposed to test?!

I also got some clothes, including some “sitting around the house” pants with anchors on* which I said to T were some additional pregnancy pants. To be fair, I do pretty much strip off when I get in, and put on something more comfortable. Usually some very baggy pants and a sweatshirt with pizza and hotdogs on it. (Cartoons of my favourite foods, not actual food… That would be a bit gross.) I just like to relax when I get in. Take the bra off! Seriously, those puppies are getting huge. I think it’s the Crinone gel which if I understand correctly is supposed to make your boobs bigger and some other stuff. Who knows. Either way I would rather not have these humunga-boobs. (I prefer not to know too much about what’s happening as then I don’t worry a load. But maybe I should look up something!)

(*I pretty much have 3 themes when it comes to clothes: Black – for work; nautical – for smart-ish casual; cartoon animals – for play. I’ve terrible dress sense. Let’s just agree that right now and be done with it.)

I’ve also had this weird metallic taste in my mouth. I don’t know if it’s actually metallic. Maybe it’s the folic acid I’ve been taking. I don’t know. It feels a bit weird. I’ve felt a bit sick but I’m not sure if that’s just some sort of wishful thinking pregnancy-symptom-sympathy or whether it’s an actual symptom. I don’t think it comes on this early. I also have a swollen stomach and generally feel periody, so I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad sign either. I’m not trying to second guess symptoms too much, but I would really like not to start my period!

Anyway my pregnancy-ish mood* meant that I went and spent a load of money in the mall – my reason being that I don’t often get a day off and I generally feel like I should spend that with Dog and T, and not going around shopping. I don’t shop that often because I’m usually walking around the place with an excitable furry thing (and for some reason London isn’t very dog friendly – boo!). I had an unsuccessful attempt at ASOS last week – never again – well, not until I grow a foot. Every single thing I ordered was mega long! How I wish I was tall and willowy but I’m not. I think I’m probably better in shops where I can try stuff on. And realise “Gosh I am really no Angelina Jolie” and reach for the sweatpants.

(*This is my excuse for everything from now on. I had a bacon sandwich this morning and told T that it must be a craving rather than sheer greed.)

I ended up going to H&M and getting some lounge pants (the anchor ones above and some others which are probably a bit questionable! but you can’t have too many lounge pants!) and Uniqlo (made for short people like me) where I got a few dresses and skirts – useful stuff for work. It’s boring but it makes me feel better to have stuff I can wear to work rather than feeling I have to cycle round the same 3 dresses. I’ve put on a lot of weight over the last year or two (half of it is Happy Weight, and I was probably underweight to begin with through relationship breakdown etc) but half of it is probably just having a quite unhealthy working-late eating-late lifestyle. I would like to get away from that and be a bit healthier, but I love pizza! Pizza is magic.

Also ended up getting a new phone because my last one has carked it. (I don’t think this is a very interesting update really but I’m trying to demonstrate the breadth of my trip to the mall.) I went into a shop and bought a phone. How very grown up of me! The girl there had just started so was sooo happy to have sold a phone on her first day! It was very sweet. I decided to pay for the whole thing and go for a SIM only pay-as-you-go thing as it’s actually cheaper, although it seems nuts when you spend that much in one go. I’m literally (okay not literally) surgically attached to my phone. My current phone has decided not to play ball any more and it’s distressing. How am I supposed to live my life! Well I’ve finally managed to pay off some debts (T is a sensible type and thinks we should have no debts before having a bub, whereas I’m a spender) so I thought I have enough to pay for it. Anyway I got given a new number as I’ve switched networks. It looks like a really nice number! But I’ve had my number since 1999 and so I was weighing up whether to switch it or not. I’m thinking not. Although I do like the look of the new number. But if you’ve had something for 16 years, maybe you should just stick with it…

We had a nice date night swanky meal last night. It was at a funny restaurant at the top of a hotel and you can see out over London. I’ve been working so much lately that it was really nice just to go out on a date! Also I felt less guilty at leaving Dog at home as I’d been home with him a lot of the day. It was nice just to spend time together in a non IVF / sitting on the sofa watching DVDs setting! I suppose it was supposed to be a commiserations meal as I would have drunk loads of champagne if it had been a negative test yesterday. As it turned out, we decided not to drink, which made the bill a lot cheaper! Imagine if I have to spend 9 months not drinking!! Eek. I mean, I’m British… It’s what we do. I’ve found it okay not to drink so far but I haven’t been in a social situation where I’ll be expected to drink. T says just to take the glass and pretend to drink and nobody will notice. If we make it that far, I don’t want to tell anyone we’re pregnant until it’s a done deal, ie when I’m very very obviously pregnant, about 6 months! I wonder if we will make it.

It almost seems too easy… Like something has to go wrong now. We’ve been through all the IVF process and it seems almost unfathomable that we could be the 25-30% of couples it works for. There were 12 couples in our “intake” (like school! We all did the IVF orientation / info session on the same day) so that means out of all 12 there should be 2-3 couples who it worked for.

Could it be us?

Day 53 Post 2: OMG!

Day 53: Not-so-Clearblue

 

 

 

It’s testing day!

You’d think this would be a good thing now the Two Week Wait is over. I barely slept last night as I kept waking up in between having dreams about negative pregnancy tests. (Yep, even my subconscious isn’t holding out much hope. I mean, that would be too easy, right?)

One thing I always do is get up during the night and go to the bathroom. A lot. So it was a bit unclear what “first thing in the morning” should be. I mean, should it be 2am? 4am? 6am? I settled for 6am as that’s the time I usually get up when I’m going to work. Well, that or earlier. Anyway, I did get up at other times too, so I don’t know if my wee was diluted or whatever. I’d also been drinking a shedload of water yesterday as I had the most horrific headache. Not sure if it was a migraine as I’m not sure what counts as one, but I had it all afternoon into the evening and I felt awful. I am the sort of person who’s a bit trigger happy on the old meds – I usually get a lot of headaches but take painkillers, which I obviously haven’t been doing, and also I’ve been sneezing a lot due to hayfever (and Dr Fit told me not to take antihistamines, so all round I’ve been a snotty headachey mess).

So… 6ish this morning, I wee on the stick and this is what happens…

IMG_0291

 

Now, I know it’s not very interesting to see other people’s wee sticks but I’m being serious here… What is that supposed to mean? It could be wishful thinking on my part, but I’m pretty sure there is a faint line going across the minus line – it appeared pretty much straight away and I watched it for a few minutes and it stayed like that. I don’t know if I weed on it wrong (I don’t have much previous for this, sadly) and somehow muddied the waters with some sort of cross-weeing (I wouldn’t put it past myself to screw this up) but it isn’t entirely minus, as far as I can see.

Here’s another picture, then I promise I’ll stop:

IMG_0293

Let’s just say that Clearblue pregnancy tests should be renamed to Not-so-Clearblue. What am I supposed to do with that?

I’ll tell you what I’m doing.

I have the day off. (So I can sit around and mope in the face of negative test.) T and I are off for a swanky dinner this evening, and apart from that I was planning on doing some baking and going to the mall. I don’t get to go shopping that much as I am usually at work and then when not at work I feel like I should be spending time with Dog. (And T, he he.) So today I’m spending time with Dog and will pop out to the shops and buy one of every pregnancy test they have going… and possibly some clothes. And I’m thinking of getting a new phone, because mine doesn’t really work any more – probably because it keeps getting full of random pictures of Dog and food. We shall see.

Anyway, I showed the test to T and he’s of the optimistic opinion that it is “probably positive” and therefore he’s banning me from drinking champagne at our swanky dinner tonight.

I keep looking at it and wondering whether I’m just one of those deluded women who has a negative test but doesn’t acknowledge that it’s negative…? I mean, I was expecting it to be negative so I’m a bit flummoxed by this whole idea that there’s a faint vertical line.

Obviously in this respect, Dr Google is a quack. All I’m getting from google is a load of hopefuls on mumsnet and whatnot with people saying “Oh it’s definitely positive” but with nobody coming back to say whether it actually was. #nothelpful

So… I’m going to wait and test again. And test some more. I’m supposed to email my doc today and tell them whether I’m pregnant or not. I’m thinking not, but I’m not entirely sure… AAGH. So I suppose I’ll wait a few days and see if it goes either way.

Please feel free to post helpful, get-a-grip-of-yourself-woman! encouraging / other comments and let me know what you think, how you’re feeling today and any other exciting news! 🙂

N

Day 50: Snoozed out

Omigosh, it’s day 50 – how did that happen? I am a lot of the way through the 2 week wait. (I’m not sure on pregnancy acronyms, so it’s either 2WW or TWW I guess. I have *no clue* about the whole numbers and letters thing!)

And I’m TIRED. Really tired.

I haven’t even been working as hard as usual this week. This isn’t because I’ve slacked off as such… It’s that my project-from-hell (the 18hr day one) is officially supposed to be finished, so now I’m more on sweeping up time and it doesn’t need 18hr days any more. I’ve still done them for Tuesday and Wednesday but yesterday I think I did a very reasonable 11 hour day. It felt like I was sneaking off from the office for a half day holiday! Even though I left at the same time as most other people seemed to be leaving. I’m used to going on public transport when nobody else is there so that was a bit of a change!

Today though, and last night, I felt so tired. I even went to bed early and could barely read anything. I like to read before bed but I just read a couple of chapters and then fell asleep.

I feel a bit premenstrual actually which is probably not a good sign. 😦

Anyway, we’re due to do the test on Monday and we’ve planned an easy day. I’m going to have the day off so I don’t have to go into work and feel bad because we’ve had a negative test. (Nothing like thinking positive, eh? But I really don’t want to do that… I think I will just want to rest.) This whole process has been very physically weird but it’s also very emotionally tiring I think. So I’ll have a nice day resting and then we’ve booked to go out for a posh dinner in the evening. I think that will at least give me the chance to have a drink! Haha. And I need a little something to look forward to.

A little part of me still hopes for a positive test, of course. I am just one of those people who doesn’t like to get my hopes up. T keeps joking about it (whilst also annoyingly drinking a nice big glass of wine in the evenings!) so at least we will know one way or the other after the weekend. We’ve also agreed to book our “big” holiday once we know, as we’re planning to go on rollercoasters! I like going on them but I’ll be even happier if I have a reason not to.

Day 47: Feeling more human (but not pregnant)

Hello! Well after my outburst last week (Day 43) I have to apologise to everyone who read it and thought “What is this nutter on about?” as I was feeling at the end of my tether. I am now feeling a bit more human!

What actually happened is I ended up working until super late on Friday night – I mean it was about 01:00 by the time I finished, and I couldn’t even see straight! But I finished it… and then I logged off! 🙂

And I didn’t check in for the whole weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow… I actually slept. And it’s amazing what a bit of sleep will do in terms of making a person feel like an actual human.

The upshot of it is: I managed to spend a teensy bit of quality time with T and Dog. And I dozed on the sofa for a good proportion of it. And I ate pizza (one of my favourite things to do, short of drinking wine, which I managed to hold off!). And I just sort of caught up on being human again.

I know most of my friends say “Why on earth are you doing these hours?”, “Why don’t you quit your job?” etc etc but it’s not that easy when you have financial commitments. It’s especially not easy when you don’t have any time to look for another job because you’re spending all your time in your current job! Anyway, I’m hoping that it’s all going to calm down again after this week so I can try and get a bit more balance in my life.

In terms of Nahpoopo or being pregnant (or not) until proven otherwise, I have to say that I am holding out very little hope. I’ve done that thing of getting super fat (possibly through eating for two even though there is no two involved, or possibly through comfort eating… I think we all know which one is more likely) but I haven’t had any twinges or anything or any real sense of feeling different at all. Which leads me to believe it couldn’t possibly be happening. Because I reckon I would feel different. I still feel a bit booby and a bit bloated but I really think that’s more a side effect of the meds and the Crinone than anything else.

So… I guess we are really prepping for a no show. I don’t want to get my hopes up (though part of me hopes that it really is happening even though I’ve had no symptoms) and it just doesn’t seem realistic to be pregnant right now. I mean everyone I know who’s been pregnant has had actual symptoms and I just feel the same as I ever do, ie tired and fat. So that’s that really.

I’ve planned not to go into the office on Monday which is when we are due to test. That will be Day 53 on our IVF journey (from the first cycle day) and it seems like a really long time to have been doing it. I guess that’s coming up for two months so it is quite a long time. In some ways it seems like we have been doing it forever, and in others it seems like just a part of everyday life. (I think I’m getting philosophical in my old age, or perhaps it’s just tiredness!)

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t feel very hopeful about it. Not in a despairing way because I’ve been careful not to get my hopes up, but more in a “I just can’t see it happening” way. I wish it would happen because I’m not sure I want to go through it all again, but equally I guess we have no control over whether it works or doesn’t work. And if it doesn’t happen, it already hasn’t happened, if you get what I mean. I just haven’t managed to get pregnant… again… ever. So it’s no great change.

So come on folks – tell me what you’ve been up to and share some good news stories please! I’d love to hear about the good things in life! 🙂

Day 42: Little guy, you’re our only hope!

A day 2 (post transfer) update from me

The embryologist called me this morning (1 day post transfer) and told me that none of our remaining embryos were “good enough” for freezing. 😦

This means Little Guy, or Thomas (as T has christened him… I think he’s come round to the idea that he’s a boy) is our only hope!

I feel a bit pessimistic/realistic about the chances of mini-T sticking. I mean, this would have to go sooooo well, and I’m not someone for whom these things generally seem to work out. (Ref: my 20ish childbearing-age years of never having a child.) I guess I would have liked to have had a couple of frosty-kids to know there are other chances that wouldn’t mean going through all this again. But… looking on the bright side, at our hospital there is a higher chance with fresh cycles rather than frozen cycles, and if it doesn’t work this time then maybe they might know more about my lazy eggs and what dose to give me.

(This cycle: slow growing follicles, meaning increasing doses of Gonal F for a longer period of time, 12 eggs harvested > 6 eggs fertilised > 1 embryo at 3BB transferred > no embryos to freeze.)

This probably sounds like I’m being really negative and I promise you I’m not! We are still very hopeful about things – I’m just one of those people who never wants to get their hopes up over stuff if it’s not within my control. Statistically I’m already someone with fertility problems, and they’ve been very long term. People who need fertility treatment don’t have the best chance of success!

Other than that, my project-from-hell is still awful but at least (touch wood) I won’t have to be staying away from home for a while. So hopefully this means even though it’s very challenging and horrid that I may be able to get a bit of balance!

Testing is in 2 weeks so we will just have to hang on till then. Meanwhile I will be trying not to focus on the horrific work life balance (difficult when working 18 hours a day!), and we have a bank holiday this weekend which means we have Monday off in the UK. Nice! I have said I’m definitely not working over the weekend and I refuse even to check my email. Last time I did that was two days after egg collection and it meant I had to work all Sunday whilst feeling really sore and woozy! Not ideal!

We’re going to try and go out and about over the weekend and spend a bit of quality time together. So that’s good. 🙂

And in case it’s not a good outcome, we’ve decided we are going to plan a nice big holiday in a few months time – so there will be something to look forward to. I think it will just be one step further along in the process of trying to do something about infertility… and it will be nice to chill out a bit afterwards, regardless of the outcome!

If you’re waiting – what are you doing to keep yourself occupied?

If you’ve waited – did you plan anything nice to do after the wait was over?

Best of sticky-baby-good-hope-wishes to everyone!

Day 41: Nahpoopo

So I posted a while back that I was flummoxed by all the IVF and pregnancy acronyms, but I do know this one: PUPO. Which is what I am, in theory… :O

Although T and I discussed it and decided we are more statistically minded and it was more likely to be Not Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise, so I wittily coined a new acronym: NPUPO – pronounced nahpoopo.

I think you’ll find that this is a valuable addition to the fertility-jargon canon.

(Nod if you agree.)

Well… After yesterday’s rant (sorry people, I think it just shows my true colours… I’m not the nice calm controlled person I would like people to think I am… haha) my day didn’t really get any better. We have a massive project deadline end of this week – it’s meant to finish, and most of my team will be rolling off, which means everyone is working like absolute dogs* to get it all finished. This means very long hours and because of my role on the project it means I have to do the longest. I think I was almost crying yesterday – I finally managed to finish up at 01:30 and then grabbed 3.5hrs sleep before getting up and going into work again. All before transfer!

(* Why are they trying to kid – dogs don’t usually have jobs. My dog sits around relaxing all day, goes for walks, gets tummy tickles and is fed at regular intervals. He has a better life than I do!)

Transfer was this morning and I had to leave a conference meeting to get to the hospital. I cunningly managed to dial out of the videoconference and dial in on my mobile so I could carry on the call whilst heading to hospital.

Once there, it was really one of the easiest bits of the whole process. The strange bit was that T was there and actually saw it happen (though happily for me he wasn’t down the business end – he is terribly squeamish anyway so it would be a risk he might faint!). I did say he didn’t have to be there as it would be quite boring, but he said he wanted to be there for the conception! 🙂

The doc, embryologist, scanner and nurse were all lovely and I’ve met some of them before so it wasn’t too bad. It really was pretty much like a smear test, which has never really bothered me. The worst thing about it was the fact that you have to go with a full bladder! I am a curious sort so I asked why (as for all other scans I’ve been asked to empty my bladder). You want to know, don’t you?

Turns out that if you have a uterus that tips up, then the passageway to implantation can be curved. The straighter it is, the easier it is for the doc to insert the catheter and deposit our little guy where he’s supposed to be. (I’ve decided our embryo is male, and T thinks it’s female.) So your full bladder pushes down the uterus and makes the passageway a bit straighter.

Anyway we didn’t even have to think about the whole twin thing, because we only had one embryo at the right stage of development for transfer. 😦 I thought this was a bad thing but the embryologist said that our embryo was great quality. I really try not to google things as I think Dr Google can just make you paranoid, but I do ask a bunch of questions when I’m there. Apparently ours was 3BB or something and the letter scale goes from A to J or something. We being the usual academic high achieving sorts said that we wanted an A 😉 but apparently that’s really rare, and BB is good! That said, the embryologist is always super positive about things so you wonder whether they’re just being positive or it’s actually good.

Anyway out of our remaining 6 embryos we had 2 that were just under that grade, so they’re leaving them sitting around trying to grow until tomorrow – then they’ll let us know if they’ve reached the required level for freezing. I was a little sad that we might not have any frozen embryos as I thought that means this is our only chance with this cycle… T said we should be positive and assume this is going to work! See – he’s a poopo (PUPO) person and I’m a nahpoopo person! 🙂

So anyway… the transfer was totally painless. I mean there’s a slightly weird situation when 4 people are staring into your v*gina but if you think about it, the act of natural conception is a fairly strange thing too! T watched on the ultrasound but we both agreed there was definitely a dark art involved in making any sort of sense of what was on the screen. I mean, we saw our little embryo being dropped off but to me it was like watching the tv when there’s no reception!

After it was all done I could go to the loo (phew) – you have to repress your natural idea that the embryo’s going to drop out! Apparently you can do all your normal activities and you can even have s*x if you want to – which is funny really, given I then got on a train to a city 3 hours away!

We went for a nice hot chocolate with whipped cream afterwards, and dissected what we thought the stats were (I told you we were stats geeks)… and then parted ways.

I have to work another looooong day today, but am avoiding any alcohol or cigarettes or bungee jumping (as if I was going to do any of those things, haha!). So we shall settle in for the wait…

N x

Day 39: Day 3 and 6 little chicks still growing

Helloooooo it’s me again!

A quick update from me on this crazy IVF journey.

I had a rather snoozy weekend and quite a lot of pain in my stomach. Also I am either super bloated or I have been eating way too much. It’s probably a combination of the two. :/

I rested up on Saturday and then unpleasantly on Sunday had to work. (Argh: work!) Which meant I didn’t have the relaxing time I could have done. Thankfully this put me in good stead for this morning’s meeting so can’t complain.

We’d been told by the embryologists that they would call by 09:00 today if I needed to go in and do a Day 3 transfer… 09:00 came and went. (I was in a meeting so just as well.)

I was on my way to the station for work when I received another call. I was immediately worried (esp as I had a colleague with me in the cab) but the embryologist was really nice and said that we were still going ahead with the transfer on Wednesday morning. That will be Day 41. Apparently our little embryos are still growing, which is great! If I heard correctly (I had turned the sound way down in case my colleague heard what was going on – a nice colleague I might add but I don’t really need it broadcast to everyone), we have 3 embryos at 6 cell, 1 at 8 cell and the others are a bit lazy!

This is apparently fine and she said it was all going well!

Our little guys look a bit like this!

Source

For those of you new to the whole IVF thing, there is a good explanation of how they determine transfer here. Basically they look at your eggs 3 days post insemination and they figure out how many have fertilised and how good they are (based on the universal embryo grading system which I assume is super similar to how they grade chicken eggs, haha). If you have a few that are looking pretty good quality then they’ll continue to Day 5 because that way they have time to pick out the one (or two) that will have the most chance of success. If not they will get you in on Day 3 as they generally don’t learn anything more on Day 4.

So we’re all set for Wednesday’s Day 5 transfer. We just have to rock up on Wednesday morning and we will have a quick in and out and then I will have to head back out of town for work. They tell me it’s similar to a smear test although T will be there to see his potential baby be implanted!

Oh and I’m still pushing for twins! 🙂

Probably not these ones

T is more circumspect. He thinks twins would be difficult and more expensive etc etc whereas I think there is a greater chance of success (ie both might not implant properly so at least you have two chances) plus I think twins are awesome, plus I’m not overly bothered about going through childbirth twice! I mean there are pros and cons with both. Someone else in my extended family has twins through IVF and they are absolutely adorable. But as I’ve said many times before, I would be happy with one child! I guess we will take the doctor’s advice on it. Hopefully we will have enough embryos to freeze a couple in case this cycle doesn’t work, and we can try for a frozen transfer later in the year. (Although our hospital is quite strict and says you need 6 months between cycles… I am wondering how strict they are on this, if it doesn’t work – 6 months seems like a really long time especially when approaching 40 when we all know your uterus shrivels up overnight.)

Anyway I keep telling myself that there’s a really low chance of this working and not to get my hopes up. I guess I’ll just need to keep my hopes in check and make sure we still have stuff to look forward to if it doesn’t work. We are planning a nice big holiday later in the year which will either be a babymoon or a consolation holiday (time for some babymaking practice!) so at least that’s something to look forward to. I’m super thankful for my lovely partner T and my lovely dog and nice family so it’s not like I have a lot to complain about.

Off to catch up on all your blogs!

N 🙂

Day 37: 6 little chicks!

We had the call and we have 6 little fertilised eggs!  

Source: http://m.dev.biologists.org/content/139/5/829/F1.expansion.html

Just had the call from the embryologist and it turns out that 6 out of our 12 harvested eggs have fertilised!

This is apparently a good thing as anything less than 50% is not so good. So we are on the cusp…

This means we have a scheduled transfer on Wednesday (day 5) unless they call us before 09:00 on Monday (day 3) and call us in on that day. 

Avoiding googling too much as I don’t want to get paranoid about chances and whatnot. Just resting up and hoping it will all go according to plan on Wednesday. 

Work next week is going to be a pain as I’m supposed to be out of town, but  I’m going to hold out till 09:00 Monday before leaving town (if that’s what happens). Apparently you can’t do anything about the transfer and it’s pretty much in and out, like a smear test. 

This sounds quite appealing given I still feel super groggy after yesterday’s harvest. I’m lucky it’s the weekend and I don’t have to do anything. I’m just sitting on the sofa and relaxing. Thank goodness it isn’t the usual early start!

Anyway, that’s it for now. We know there are still plenty of things to go wrong… Here’s hoping just one goes right!