Tagged: pregnancy test

IVF 2: Beta 2

Quick update from me: I had my second beta this morning and it came back at 6145 – this is a slight increase. 

I put it in the calculator at babyMed (thanks Amy!) and also have read a lot of stuff about how the doubling slows down once it’s in the ‘000s, so I’m strangely okay with it. I mean, the calculator makes it sound like it’s dodgy but I have read a bunch of things to say that it doesn’t have to double every 48 hours when it is in the thousands. Also at 5 weeks 2 days it is a bit late to be doing betas and I just need to hang out for the ultrasound (in two weeks!). 

From a statistical point of view T and I have looked at the figures and at least it’s going in the right direction. Also he was a bit cross with me as he said it was making me more worried – but actually I do feel better than if I hadn’t known anything at all. I am sort of comforted by the fact that it’s still within the normal range even if it’s not doubling every 48 hours or whatever. It’s an indication. 

I guess the main thing now is to wait for the ultrasound. Which seems a long time away. 

One thing I’ve noticed – especially yesterday – is that I’ve been feeling really quite sick / desperately hungry, and tired. I went to meet T and some friends last night for dinner and a show, and I actually had to make us stop at the shop and get something to eat as I was feeling so sick. So either there’s something psychological going on (possible) or I’m having some weird food levels I need to maintain! I really do feel very tired right now as well.

Today on the way back from the blood test I went and bought some clothes. I’m finding it hard to fit into my normal clothes right now so it means a lot to feel comfortable and a tiny bit smart. I’ve been resorting to a few things that work so hopefully I now have a few more things. The boobs are the main problem! And the belly! Feeling very frumpy. But it will all be worth it in the end if it works.


IVF 2: In the meantime

Sorry for the slight radio silence. (I read back through my blog a bit the other day and realise I do blether on a lot! So a few days silence is silence! 🙂

Truth be told, I’ve been trying like heckery to not think about this part. The extended two week wait until the first scan. I’ve been doing everything I can do to distract myself, but you’ll realise this was of limited success if you read to the bottom! Thank you for the comments on my last blog. I didn’t reply but I liked them… I just feel a bit emotionally fragile right now, so hopefully you understand. I’ve been trying like anything to not think about this pregnancy and what might happen/go wrong, but of course it is constantly on my mind.

First up news: My first (early pregnancy post IVF) scan is booked in for Thursday 2 June! I finally have a date. This coincides with a girls weekend where my old schoolfriends are coming to London to visit. I’ll be seeing them Friday until Sunday. It is maybe not so weird for me (as you can guess maybe, I’m the sort of person who stays in touch with all of them individually) but the four of us haven’t been together in one place for, like, ever. Possibly since school. There are five of us really although my BFF lives overseas and can’t make it, but I’m seeing her the following month, and I speak with her all the time, so it’s not so bad.

Anyway in terms of timings this means I have a lot to knock off in a few weeks. We are still trying to complete on our house purchase but it seems to be going nowhere fast. This is frustrating but T is phlegmatic about it and is sort of “It’ll happen when it happens”, which of course is true and something that my dad might say. (My dad is always extremely validated that I picked someone who has a lot of the same attitudes towards life as he does. His favourite sayings are “There’s no point worrying about things you can’t change”; “There’s one thing that is certain in life, that things will change”, and “Put the maximum amount you can in your pension”. I sh*t you not. When he found out T had made me pay off all my debts and hang up my profligate spender card, as well as put the maximum in my pension, he was overjoyed and validated. Just imagine if I actually manage to have a baby with this man! T – not my dad. Obvs.)

I am due to start my new job the week after seeing my schoolfriends. It would be awesome if we could move house before then, but it seems quite unlikely given things are just dragging on. (Solicitors disagreeing with each other over who’s sent what. Ugh.) Anyway, as my dad/T would say “There’s no point…” Etc.

I’ve been trying not to think about the first scan, but of course it’s all I can think about.

The nurse who called up was so nice, asked how I was doing, and when I said I was worried said “I’ll pray for you”. I almost cried. I mean, I’m not religious at all (I like the idea, I really do; I just can’t believe, despite or possibly because of having gone to a lot of churches in my time) but it was a nice thing to say. She said “You must believe it will be different this time” and I thought, that’s so illogical. Why would it be different? I lot of things are the same! I’m still the same defective infertile person. Anyway, I’m trying. Which partly means distracting myself. Heavily.

Here are some pictures to show what I’ve been up to.

This was the present that I got for the girl at work whose mini baby shower I did last week. It was so cute I had to get it for someone! Bloomers! I totally would wish for a boy (because I feel like it’s hard being a girl!) but stuff like this reminds me that girls are pretty cool too. Haha. (Honestly this is stupid; I’d be grateful for a child of any gender.) It’s the last week for my work friend before mat leave so we are mainly on wind down and enjoying gossiping about annoying people at work. (Blessedly, the Blimp hasn’t been in for a while, possibly because she has morphed into Jabba the Hutt.) Also, someone else at work announced her pregnancy. I have actually taken it all pretty well. Maybe this is because I’m sort of hopeful, but then again I’m used to everyone else being pregnant apart from me. I end up doing the baby talk with everyone and recommending buggies and whatnot. Anyway she had her Skype baby shower and it went really well, and her mum (mom!) posted a nice message saying thank you for doing this baby shower for my daughter, so it felt quite nice really.

I don’t know if this is a pregnancy craving or a greed craving. For some reason I have found myself craving hash browns. Something about them being salty and crunchy. Also McDonalds fries (which I don’t usually like that much – I’m not big on “chips” as we call them in the UK). I’ve definitely had some random food cravings but I can’t tell whether it’s wishful thinking or whether it’s actual pregnancy craving. I think it’s probably just knowing that I have an “excuse” to eat junk food. Although my other craving (or food desire) has been fruit, and less chocolate than normal and less of the other stuff I usually like, so I really can’t tell. I find I feel a bit sick in the mornings but not morning sickness or anything, more that I feel super hungry. I don’t know if this is just because I’ve been greedy lately. Either way it’s a bit odd as I never usually eat breakfast apart from at the weekend. But maybe it’s just all the drugs. Symptom wise I feel like I have fewer, other than the humungaboobs which I can’t really attribute to pregnancy as I think they’re also caused by the drugs and progesterone. It’s hard to tell and it’s sort of driving me crazy. (More on that later.)

I felt a bit better the other day as I organised all my remaining meds into this tin. At the moment our house is sort of in disarray because we have started packing things up, so there aren’t many spare surfaces. This is actually sitting on top of our freezer! Ha. It made me feel a bit more organised. This includes: Vitamin D, Omega 3, baby aspirin, prednisolone, Pregnacare, Omeprazole (plus some old folic acid). It doesn’t include the Fragmin (heparin) injections and the Crinone (progesterone) which are in the bathroom. I think I have just about remembered what I need to take when!

Then I got to thinking of things (read: fantasising about things) that I will get if it turns out all to be going badly and I’m going to have a miscarriage, or I’m not pregnant or something horrendous like that.

I don’t think that other people (apart from infertility bloggers) truly grasp the horror and fear that is associated with this stage. Yes, I’m pleased that we got to the positive pregnancy test. But we got that far before. We also got to the 6-7 week ultrasound and saw a heartbeat. So I know that things can still go wrong then. I feel so scared about this, and I also feel like I can’t enjoy anything about the pregnancy (because maybe it isn’t a pregnancy) and I am scared of having another miscarriage, because it hurt so much physically and emotionally. Also I’ll have started my new job so I know I won’t be able to wallow for two-three weeks like I did last time. I’ll have to go into work, bleeding, cramping, passing clots and baby. So maybe it sounds melodramatic but if you haven’t been through it I don’t think you can understand how close that fear feels.

One of the things I’ve been saying to myself is that I’ll treat myself to things I’ve had my eye on for a bit, if the worst happens. This is of course not at all any kind of consolation, because I know I’ll be inconsolable. But it gives me something to do, to window shop in the meantime. (This wait is torture.)

Here’s one thing on my wish list. A lamp! Although I would prefer it for a child’s nursery. Here’s hoping I have a chance to buy it one day.

These boots came up on my social media feed and I love them. They’re stupidly expensive handmade ones though – I usually only spend about £15-30 on shoes (I’m an utter cheapskate) so at €200 (about £155) they are outside what I usually pay. But they’re so cool! I also think it’s a bit foolhardy to order boots from Spain in case they don’t fit. But hey, if I am feeling terrible about my body in miscarriage-recovery like I did last year then at least shoes are sympathetic where clothes aren’t. I have had such difficulty finding clothes to wear as my boobs have swollen up and so has my stomach. I’m hoping that this all becomes worth it and I can move into unashamed pregnancy mode rather than having to try and lose weight afterwards. I think especially during this time it’s important to try and salvage a bit of self-respect and feel a bit attractive. This is hugely challenging for me right now as I’m double my usual size. (Well not double, slight exaggeration but I’m about 20kg above where I want to be. 10 for definite.) So I have tried to buy things that I can wear and feel a bit less like my chest and stomach are being compressed. These beauties are on the list!

This ring is from Arosha jewellery and I have wanted it for, like, ever. I love it. I have a thing for rose gold and I love pink and blue together. He does a lot of rings that look like they are from the sea. I think this is amazing. Although possibly OTT for everyday wear, but hey! Why not?! I don’t wear a lot of jewellery but I love the look of this one. It is a definite commiseration present to myself if everything goes bad!

What else have I been up to?

I also got my first ever “stranger” cake order yesterday! Which is nuts. It’s usually for friends or friends of friends so I know they’ll actually honour the order. 

She called me up yesterday pm and said, “Could you do me 18 rainbow themed cupcakes for tomorrow?” 

I’ve been on wind down at work (I finish beginning of June) so thought what the heck, I’ll do it. Took me all evening (I was going slowly) and I decided to do 3 different types, and this was the result! It was quite funny as I did it all on trust, like I didn’t take a deposit or anything. She came all the way from somewhere that was at least 1.5hrs drive away! I did say to her “Are you sure you don’t want to go somewhere closer?” But she said she wanted to get some from me!!! Which was nice to hear. 

Then she turned up this morning and I was like, phew, although my coworkers would happily have eaten all the cakes. Then she didn’t have change so I had to go and get some change from inside my flat, and she said “Do you want to take this money whilst you go and get it?” And I was like, “No, if you drive off, you drive off…” I came back and couldn’t see her and thought, wow! But then she appeared again as she’d popped to the nearby shop in case I couldn’t find change! It was all quite funny but did give me a sense of satisfaction that I had managed to take an idea, make up an order and all with just a few hours notice. (For the record, she seemed very pleased!)

One of the other things that’s happened in England this week is THE RAIN. OMG. It turned into Noah’s Ark weather even though we’ve had summer lately. (I know, you guys overseas will laugh your heads off at this as it’s not hot at all for you… 20-something C.) So I decided to cheer myself up and get a nice new umbrella. (I know, I really know how to live, right?) My existing umbrella is a bit knackered and broken and annoying so I wanted a proper sprung one that is automatic and actually deflects the rain. 

Here it is! Almost worth the rain for sheer cheery-uppy points!



Reader, I cracked. Seriously, I’m going a bit mental here. I know it sounds like I’m a total Negative Nelly but I just can’t imagine waiting another two weeks from here until the first scan. I know realistically we can’t see anything until 6 and a bit, but I guess I’m the sort of person who wants to know.

So… I went and got a beta (blood test HCG) at a private clinic. Seeing as I’m on work slowdown it means I can pop out as it’s not far from the office and it was all really quick. The place I went to was here, which has an awful pink website but is really nice when you get there. I was literally in and out. You pay upfront (before you go). I spoke with a nice woman on the phone and she said I could just do the two tests roughly 48hrs apart and see what the numbers say.

Now I know that betas have a huge range. But we don’t do them at my clinic, so I feel like I need some sort of indication that it’s progressing… Or not… Before the scan at 7 weeks. Like I just can’t imagine waiting another TWO WEEKS to find out whether it’s going the same way as last time or not. I’m soooo scared even to think that it might work out, and I feel like at least if the betas say something then I can prepare myself if it’s bad.

I texted T and told him, and I think he was quite interested. A lot of the worrying I’m doing right now, he’s sympathetic to but he feels we need to be positive. I just don’t feel positive right now and I want some sort of reassurance if it’s going the right way… Or to be able to prepare myself for the worst. I looked up the ranges online and they are really far apart but I think the important thing is to understand that the HCG levels should roughly double every 48hrs. So the second test is Friday morning (ideally before 11am as then they can get your results back the same day) so that means hopefully I should know by Friday pm whether betas look promising or not.

T did make me think when he asked whether the news would be interpreted or broken to me by a sympathetic doctor – this isn’t the case! It gets emailed to you. On the website it says “Beta HCG levels are clearly shown and we will clearly comment on the likely meaning of the result.” So I think maybe I will work from home (in inverted commas) on Friday…

Wish us luck!

IVF 2: The day after

Thank you everyone for saying such nice things yesterday and wishing me luck for the announcement (or otherwise) to my sister, who’s going through a lot of the same stuff as I am.

I think maybe I was overly worried and thinking she was going to be like me (the sort of person who feels bad/miserable when other people announce their pregnancies) when really she is a lot nicer than I am! I did sort of prepare to talk about it and think how would I introduce it, and thought that she’d probably want to talk about going to see Dr S at some point, probably when we were having dinner.

We planned to meet up in the east and then head towards the Emirates Airline (the cable car sponsored by Emirates that goes across the Thames) and then go to have dinner in a dog friendly pub in Greenwich. Unfortunately for everyone, they left it to me to organise, and I have the worst sense of direction ever, which meant we ended up having to walk a lot further than we wanted to, and ended up having to get a taxi to the pub after going on the cable car because the pub I’d booked dinner in was not close to the end of the cable car at all! T found this hilarious and said I must already have baby brain.

Anyway, it came up organically in conversation so I needn’t have worried. My sister noticed some plasters on my hand (from where I had the intralipids infusion and the two attempts to get the IV in!) and asked what they were, and I told her I’d been to have the IV with Dr S, who she was seeing on Monday, because… I’m pregnant.

She was super happy for me and we ended up having a load of discussions around what to expect, and T and my sis’ partner joined in (they added some funny anecdotes about the “production room” experience) and so we all had a good time.

It was really nice to catch up, Dog was super well behaved (probably tired after the unexpectedly long walk), I’m currently pregnant, and it just felt nice. Like they were genuinely happy for us.

Also I did a little care package for them which was a bag full of IVF anticipation little gifts and a card from the three of us (me, T and Dog) to say good luck with this cycle.

It had:

  • A book of lists – It has different little sticky note pads in as I thought she could use this to write down any notes of meds and also stick reminders up to take them at different times. I always need reminders although I put them in my phone as I am a techno geek.
  • A tin of her favourite gianduja Italian truffle chocolates – You need chocolate during IVF!
  • A light baggy sweater – I find it so hard to find something nice and comfortable to wear when you’re all bloated from meds.
  • A vial of body oil – Just something nice to pamper yourself.
  • A funny pencil case shaped like a watermelon wedge – She loves watermelon. And you need somewhere to put your meds and needles when you’re travelling.

She (and her partner) really liked it and I think it sort of felt like we were saying to them, we are wishing you all the luck for your cycle. Hopefully it made her feel a bit less of a “blow” that I’m [currently] pregnant, although I don’t think I needed to worry as they both seemed genuinely happy for us. I guess also if they’re going to see Dr S then it is hopefully a bit encouraging. (Her partner and T had a joke about quackery, as they are the sceptical ones, but we all agreed that if it works then it’s worth it!) It is nice to talk about all the IVF stuff with people who understand.

I wanted to do a test this morning just because it was a Clearblue one yesterday and I wanted to double check the First Response progression. It looks pretty good! Now I understand that the test line “steals” some dye from the test line as the HCG increases, that’s a bit reassuring.

I also laid them all out so you can see the full progression over a week. The Clearblue one is the official test day one but you can see the left test line getting stronger each day.

I think I can stop testing for a while now. We are now onto what Dani from The Great Pudding Club Hunt called “the enhanced two week wait” – the wait before getting the first scan. Nail biting stuff…

IVF 2: Official test day

This morning I got up and did the “official” (NHS provided for official test day) home pregnancy test, which is a Clearblue test. 

I’m still pregnant!

Then I headed off early to get to Dr S’s clinic which is outside of London. It is a relatively easy trip but takes a while to get there as I need to get three types of transport (four if you count walking!). 

As I am four weeks pregnant this means I’m supposed to get an intralipids infusion. I also needed to get a top up of meds as they just give you enough to get you to now. 

The trip was fairly uneventful apart from it was difficult to get a vein, which I’m not normally icky about but I’ve started getting a bit more sensitive to, what with all the IVF meds and injections. I’m still on heparin every night as part of the immune protocol and so I seem to have developed a slight aversion to needles as they are big ones. 

The poor nurse had to try twice to get the line in. I was totally not loving it. 

Also I kept needing the bathroom! The intralipids are sandwiched between saline infusions to flush through your veins and I had to go in between each time! Seriously I think I must have some sort of issue with bladder control. (That said I was there before 10:00 and didn’t get the line in successfully till 10:26 so that didn’t help.) I do have really bad veins for this but I feel like the drugs have somehow made it worse. Maybe it’s the steroids but I’m totally swollen up. The only vein she could get was in my hand, which makes me feel a bit icky!

Had a nice chat with some other ladies doing the intralipids. One was just starting pre IVF (like what I did for my previous one) but already had a child from her first IVF with Dr S. She said she’d had a miscarriage like me through IVF without Dr S. The other lady was 12 weeks pregnant and she got pregnant naturally after some treatment with Dr S, when she’d never conceived before. It’s nice to speak with people who actually get it. We were saying “unexplained infertility” is such a catch all! We all came to see Dr S because we believed there must be a reason. 

Also briefly saw Dr S and said hi. He was over the moon about Try Try Again’s baby (he was so smiley!) plus I mentioned my sister was coming to see him so he was nice about that too. He’s a bit eccentric I think (very snappy dresser) but really does seem to care. 

If I can make it to 8 weeks then that’s when I’ll see Dr S for the next appointment – more intralipids and a scan. I’ve confirmed I’m pregnant to the NHS this morning so I’ll probably have the NHS appointment at 6-7 weeks so should know then if the pregnancy looks likely to progress or not. So right now the next milestone is the NHS scan. 

IVF 2: When is the waiting ever going to end?!

I am scared.

We aren’t even at official test day yet – that’s tomorrow. And yet I know I’m pregnant because 5 (count ’em!) home pregnancy tests tell me I am.

I’ve been testing every day since Monday (7dp5dt – 7 days past 5 day transfer) and tomorrow is the “official” test day where in the UK we get told to do a home pregnancy test, at 12dp5dt. We don’t have betas. I haven’t decided yet whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. I’m sure I would just panic even more and I don’t actually know what the numbers are, but I feel like I’m on a ticker trying to make it to the next hurdle and every time I jump one, there’s another bloody one coming up.

Here’s the progression…

Today’s was possibly a bit lighter because I needed the bathroom at about 04:00 but then decided it was too early to test. And then my horrible neighbours decided to wake me up by playing music through my bedroom ceiling at 05:40 so I ended up getting up and trying to do a test, but probably didn’t have enough in my bladder to do it properly. Anyway. The lines seem to be getting a bit clearer.

11dp5dt is today. I’m not sure what the lighter line on the right means though. Aaaagh. It probably doesn’t do me any good to scrutinise it.

Anyway, tomorrow’s official test from the clinic is a Clearblue (the blue cross type ones that we used during the last pregnancy) so I guess that will be a change. I have some left over so I have enough to do two, for comparative purposes!

The one thing that’s keeping me from going absolutely crazy is the fact that the pregnancy tests were a lot lighter on official test day last time. That said, they were Clearblue and not First Response like the ones I’m using now. (For some silly superstitious / not wanting bad associations reason, I decided to go with the pink tests this time.) The first test I did with Clearblue last time was a squinter at 12dp5dt even with FMU (first morning urine, nice!) and so I feel like these have been a bit clearer – and the first test I did at 7dp5dt wasn’t even with FMU either.

The thing that’s driving me slightly mad is this idea that we can still lose the baby very easily. It might be a chemical pregnancy which means that it doesn’t fully implant and develop. That’s the most pressing risk right now and there’s nothing I can do about it. If we were anywhere other than the UK we would have betas (blood tests) to see if our HCG is rising. We don’t do that here, and we just wait to see what shows up at the scan. So in theory you could have a chemical and never even know about it, but obviously I do because of IVF and darned infertility.

After that the next pressing risk is getting to see a normal development at 6-7 week scan. We actually got that far last time, and saw a heartbeat, which supposedly means that you only have a 5% chance of miscarriage after that. Guess what? I was in that 5%! The heartbeat disappeared from subsequent scans and anyway it wasn’t the size it should have been at 6w5d, but the clinic has this way of trying to make you feel better about things so didn’t fully tell us to expect the worst. That was awful, because it meant we initially thought things were okay (they just said “Come back next week as it isn’t very clear” rather than “It doesn’t look like the baby is developing as it should be at this point”). It was so traumatic, and then I had a miscarriage but it didn’t happen until 9 weeks even though the baby stopped growing at around 6. I feel like I’m completely terrified that will happen again.

My next thing is that I am off to Dr S’s clinic tomorrow morning (nice early weekend wake up) for an intralipids infusion, which is part of the immune protocol I’m on. I had one before transfer and I’m also meant to have one if we have a positive pregnancy test. I was initially booked in for next Wednesday but they called back and asked if I could go in tomorrow morning (Saturday: Official test day! 12dp5dt) as it’s apparently better to do it ASAP at 4 weeks. I’m on it! Not taking any chances. I also need to get more drugs for the immune protocol as they only gave me enough to take to this point, as I suppose if you get a negative test you can stop taking them. I have to say I’m not enjoying the heparin at all as the injections are super large and they hurt, but I’ve been good about doing them. And I seem to have gotten over the insomnia from the prednisolone, so that’s good.

Today I’ve done a mini baby shower in the office. This isn’t for the b**** (who is also pregnant and is literally a walking blimp on loudspeaker). I am still hoping that something bad happens to her (like she is struck down by severe laryngitis meaning she can never talk again) but there’s another girl in the office who’s really nice and who is due to leave for mat leave next week. I know that lots of people in our position have this big aversion to baby showers and I do too in some circumstances, but she’s American and away from home and nobody did anything for her so I felt bad for her. Apparently her mum (mom!) is having a baby shower for her via Skype this weekend, and is going to open all the presents there and then bring them over! So we get on really well and I decided to make her a cake and got her a few presents. She knows it will be a girl so you can see it is a bit garish!

It’s meant to be pink ombré inside – am hoping it works out okay! The cake went a bit mad because since we are moving (possibly… one day…) we had to sell the industrial oven that T bought for me, which I loved but wouldn’t fit in the new tiny shoebox flat. So I had to try and make the various layers (I did 5, of staggered pinkness) in the crappy oven that our landlady bought – it is literally the cheapest oven you can get and it either burns stuff or doesn’t cook it, and it makes me really mad. So I had to throw out a few layers and do them again. Exasperating but Dog was quite pleased with the offcuts. Here’s hoping it cuts nicely!

So… One more day until Official Test Day. Intralipids and sister tomorrow. We are going to go for a nice walk with Dog along the Thames in the afternoon (if it’s not raining) and will go to a nice pub for dinner, so hopefully it will be a good catch up. My brother has been trying to catch up and messaging me but I’ve sort of been avoiding him (and his fertility: 2 kids) for now. As I don’t want to have to explain about the no drinking. I will definitely try and catch up with them once I know either way, but I don’t feel emotionally up to it right now.

Just need to try and get to the scan. That’s the next thing.

I know I am probably sounding nuts over this. But I’m so scared. I know what there is to lose. I know how far we got last time and how painful the loss was. I’m in awe of anyone pregnant who can just be happy about it and “have faith” and start buying baby things and believe it’s going to happen. I follow a few bloggers who do this and I am happy for them that they can do that, but I am so not there. I’m taking each day as it comes and trying to deal with it, but I still don’t believe it.

Please let us make it to the scan.

IVF 2: Could this be happening?

You may have seen my last post with the crazy early pregnancy test at 7dp5dt (7 days past 5 day transfer). Well, I wasn’t really sure when I was going to test again, but then T suggested that I might as well (because he enjoys seeing the positive tests!) and that we needed at least to get to what we’re calling “American Test Day” (today: 9dp5dt). Our official test day is Saturday and I wanted to know beforehand as I’m seeing my sister, so want to be able to prepare myself.

Anyway, here’s the progression…

Hope you enjoy the garish pink writing!

So it’s 9dp5dt today. I have kind of used FMU for yesterday’s and today’s, although as I mentioned in my last post, this point is somewhat moot as I tend to go to the bathroom about a million times a night. (Gosh knows how I will ever cope if I get to a more advanced stage of pregnancy… I will need adult nappies perhaps. Or a chamber pot!)

Today is “American Test Day” which means that unless something goes horribly wrong then it should still hold for official British test day (Saturday), by which time I can confirm to the NHS that I’ve had a positive test, and I can try and hope and wish for the pregnancy to stick until the first scan, which is usually around 7 weeks I think (ages away).

Meanwhile today I cracked open my larger bra. (I bought some larger bras of the very boring bras I like to wear during my last pregnancy, but never managed to get to wearing them on a regular basis after I miscarried.) It is A RELIEF. Seriously I was spilling over the other ones.

I’m actually finding the weight gain really depressing and I know that I shouldn’t be complaining but I am. It’s stressing me out big time. This is because due to the IVF (first cycle which ended in miscarriage) I was already carrying around 10kg of extra weight. I managed to lose a bit of this before starting this cycle – I had a diet in the new year and lost about 4.5kg, which I was feeling quite happy with. But since starting IVF cycle 2 I have put on loads. I mean it’s more like 8kg. It’s REALLY bothering me. I don’t feel myself at all.

Of course if this ends up in a baby I will be home and hosed (as they say). It is worth it if I have a baby, and it’s an acceptable amount of weight to put on in pregnancy (I’m hoping if it actually happens the excess flab will be sucked up by baby weight). But it’s totally NOT okay if I end up miscarrying again. Added to which I just don’t feel myself and it’s really messing with my self-image. For example it’s taking me ages to decide what to wear in the mornings because I can’t fit into a load of stuff without it making me look pregnant. (Ironic.) At least the lovely coffee barista where I work (I love him; he’s super friendly and gives me free hot chocolate quite often, haha) asked me if I was going out somewhere because “You look nice today”. Bless him. (I think because I was feeling so terrible I wore bright pink lipstick today. My face is round. I am a blob.)

My boobs are absolutely humungous which when you’re short makes you look dumpy. And my stomach is the largest it’s ever been. T has also commented on it and told me I shouldn’t get too fat(!) which has messed with my head a bit because he always usually makes me feel great about myself. He didn’t say it in a horrible way (before you jump on him! He’s the perfect partner most of the time!) but more in a “Don’t let yourself get lazy and sit around turning into a blob” way (as I have a tendency to sit around stuffing my face!). Oh dear. Well anyway so that’s also making me feel bad. Although he did say he meant when I’m not pregnant and that pregnancy does not count as fat.

I suppose my main thought processes right now are around whether this pregnancy could actually stick. It feels really weird for me right now. I worked out (using the Pregnancy app I had previously turned off/moved to a back page on my phone) that according to workings out I am supposedly 4 weeks pregnant today. Crazy. Another 2 months to go until the “safe zone” (I’m sure nothing is actually safe). I read through some of my old blogs last night and realised I felt so much more positive last time that I was actually pregnant, whereas now I don’t feel positive AT ALL. I don’t feel negative… I just feel sort of neutral. Like I don’t want to get excited until at least 12 weeks. And I know enough sad stories that have happened after 12 weeks. I feel like at least if I get to 12 weeks then I’d feel justified in telling people.

And then more baby things… I went to see my friend who has the 9 month old baby. It was fine actually. I guess that these things you get used to as an infertile. It was weird to think “I’m actually pregnant” (as even if it doesn’t get far, I’m pregnant for now). She was totally digging a bit but I didn’t say anything about being pregnant. She even said something about not wanting to not ask, because assuming makes people feel bad. (I was thinking “How about you just don’t ask?” But I know she didn’t mean it in a horrible way.) The group of friends in that group, who all went to uni together, all have babies apart from me. The other two have 2 babies each and she has one. So I’m definitely the odd one out, and last time we all got together (they live a long way away), two were pregnant and one was breastfeeding so I was a bit like “Shut up already about babies” and I told them I had fertility problems, so that’s probably why she was trying to be sympathetic. 

Anyway she mentioned how she’d realised that lots of people have fertility problems and one of her friends was seeing “some immune guy” and then said where it was (outside of London) and I was like “Doctor S”! Her friend is currently pregnant and seeing Dr S and on an immune protocol which my friend then proceeded to tell me all about (steroids for natural killer cells). I thought then and there I could just tell her but I really couldn’t be bothered to get into it. Anyway it was funny to think! We ended up meeting at a shopping centre and going round EVERY BABY STORE. But it was okay. I honestly am that friend who’s used to being the childless one. I suppose it’s slightly easier thinking I’m pregnant for now.

Also there’s other great news which is that Try Try Again (who first put me in touch with Dr S) has had her baby! A son! So happy for her! And actually the reason why I’m seeing my sister this weekend is that they are staying the weekend in London and going to see Dr S on Monday. So it’s all round good business for Dr S!

T is still kind of sceptical about the whole immunology stuff but I kind of don’t care if it’s cobblers, as long as it works. I have booked in next week for my first post pregnancy IV as I’m supposed to have another dose of the intralipids. I’m literally not taking any chances. Throwing the whole immunology book at it! I don’t care! Apparently I have to keep taking all the drugs until at least 12 weeks. The progesterone (Crinone) gel I’m still on every morning and as we say in certain parts of the UK, it’s minging! (Gross.) But the rest I am sort of used to – lots of tablets / capsules plus the heparin injections. One of the things I’m worried about is ‘fessing up that I am taking heparin but I don’t know what to say about that really. They do TV scans until you graduate to the normal doctor (at 12 weeks I think) so they probably won’t concentrate on my belly (where I have mega bruises from the heparin) until then. Maybe I need to get some sort of guidance from Dr S. I’m not really thinking that far ahead right now. We’re taking it as it comes.

That’s just a selection of my daily meds. I also have Omeprazole for indigestion (for the steroids) and heparin injections every evening. So the next stage is to get to our first scan which is usually done between 6 and 7 weeks. (There is the “official test” on Saturday also. But hoping that I’m still pregnant then.)  If it measures okay then (our first one was inconclusive last time so we had to go back a week later, even though there was a heartbeat) we then start waiting and hoping for the 12 week scan. I think Dr S might give more scans in between but I don’t know yet – I guess I’ll find that out when I go for the intralipids infusion next week.

The other thing is, I’ve been feeling quite nauseous. I don’t know what this is and whether it’s related to the pregnancy. Maybe it’s just that I am being accustomed to being greedy (I’m just trying to go with anything food related right now as I feel so bad generally) but I keep feeling a bit sick. Last pregnancy I had this sort of… Metallic taste in my mouth and I’ve noticed that a bit. I wonder if that’s just the folic acid (in the Pregnacare I take) or something. I’m not sure. I definitely have had that taste for just over a week and now I’m even feeling a bit queasy, and I can’t tell if it’s greed or hormones. I looked up online and it’s too early for morning sickness (and I’m barely ever sick anyway) but I’m not sure if this is a good sign or a bad sign. I don’t recall feeling like this last time.

That’s also affected what I want to eat. Weirdly I have had sort of cravings and/or food aversions. I love pizza all the time but haven’t wanted it as much as usual. I have wanted fresh stuff like fruit! And then at other times I just want carbs. But either way I feel like my food attitude is a bit weird. I’ve also felt really hot and I don’t know whether that’s the weather (unseasonably warm in London even though we have had lots of rain too- and yes, I know this isn’t anything compared to other places, but we are used to cold here!). I sort of feel a bit “hot flush”-y. Hmm.

Aside from that I’ve also suddenly felt quite tired. I don’t know whether that’s anything either. At first the prednisolone made me sort of insomniac but now I just feel quite like lying on the sofa doing nothing. T is being patient! We still go out to walk Dog twice a day so at least I am getting some exercise. But I definitely don’t feel myself.

Time will tell…

IVF 2:  So this happened

I’ve been trying to psych myself up to get my head around a possible negative test this Saturday (the day we have been told to test). In the UK we don’t do betas like in the US/elsewhere from what I can gather. We just do one home pregnancy test on an “official” date, and the date we were given is this Saturday which is 12dp5dt. For those of you who didn’t know what the numbers mean (WTF with the IVF acronyms?!) this means 12 days past 5 day transfer. Usually here in the UK they transfer on day 3 or day 5. My clinic prefers to transfer on day 5.

So my week is shaping up like this:

Monday 7dp5dt (TODAY)

Tuesday 8dp5dt

Wednesday 9dp5dt – This is when Dr Google says the Americans first beta test

Thursday 10dp5dt

Friday 11dp5dt

Saturday 12dp5dt – This is when my NHS clinic told me to test


Anyway, I’ve been feeling… I don’t know… Something this week. And I was thinking I would test a day or two “early” because I’m seeing my sister on Saturday and I kind of want to know if I need to put my happy face on.

I actually go to the bathroom through the night lots of times (TMI I know, but the tests always say use FMU, which is first morning urine, and I wonder if that actually means first thing when you get up or one of the five or so times I go overnight).

So T went off to work this morning and I thought what the heck, I’m going to do a test. Because today is 7dp5dt and so if it’s negative it’s not a definite no, and I can still have a bit of hope that it might turn positive.

So this happened…

A few minutes later…


That’s not even a squinter!

I sent it in a iMessage to T who was like “Eh, what does this mean?!” (I think that means he’s cautiously happy.)

Funnily enough I don’t feel happy as such at all. I feel like, so I’m going to test on Wednesday (American test day) and hope it’s darker. And then Saturday (UK test day) and hope that’s darker still.

I honestly don’t feel happy… I feel relieved that at least this next stage of waiting and hoping isn’t closed off just yet. And I feel like at least I’m slightly justified in feeling a tiny bit greedy (ha). And I know there’s still weeks and weeks and weeks of hoping to go, and hoping that this sticks. But I feel scared that it won’t. That it will either be a chemical pregnancy / missed miscarriage or a first trimester miscarriage like before. Argh. T is much the same. He thinks we shouldn’t “count” anything until the official test day at least, and then not set our hopes on anything happening until we reach 12 weeks at least. We’ve been burned before by hope so we are keeping everything low for now.

Meanwhile I’m sticking religiously to my meds (Crinone, immune meds etc) and hoping that whatever I’m taking will help this little baby to stick around for 9 months.

But anyway, for today it looks like things are going in the right direction.

Day 61: Forget the 2 week wait… This is the 12 week wait!

OMG, I’m at Week 5 Day 4 (39 days) pregnant and I want to ask you: How on earth do you deal with the waiting?

Waiting… and waiting… and waiting…

for something bad good to happen.

I know I’ve said this before and I’m honestly not gloating (because I know how awful it is if you aren’t able to get pregnant… I mean, I haven’t been pregnant ever in all my 30-something years) but I can’t stand the waiting.

I actually found the infamous two week wait pretty easy. That’s because I didn’t think it would work. (Although obviously I was secretly hoping it would.) I didn’t think it was very long to have to wait. But then we had a positive test (only just over a week ago) and suddenly we’re into a whole ‘nother World of Waiting.

It’s like I’m waiting for a time when it’s “safe” to tell people, but really I’m waiting for a time when it’s “safe” to start hoping that this pregnancy might actually happen. To have faith that he’s really there, that he’s sticking and that I have an actual baby inside me.

I know it’s happening. I have 7 (count ’em – seven!) positive pregnancy tests lined up on the ledge to show me that it’s happening. But I can’t stop this fear that it won’t fully happen. That our little baby won’t make it. I even started trying to put more days between tests (hence the seven tests in nine days) but I caved today and tested this morning because I didn’t feel like I could rely on the feeling of still being pregnant. This is crazy thinking!

I know in my heart of hearts that there’s nothing to be gained by finding out I’m suddenly not pregnant. I mean, if I miscarry then I guess I’d know about it and I don’t know what I would do if a test came back negative. (I don’t know because I have never been pregnant or miscarried that I know about… Although T keeps mentioning that my late, extremely heavy and physically debilitating periods could actually have been miscarriages – what a thought.) I assume that it would involve some sort of bleeding. I keep running to the loo to do the dreaded knicker check and I keep expecting there to be blood. (I think it’s generally the surplus of progesterone gel I keep having to insert every morning!)

My humungaboobs are still hanging around being huge, and my stomach seems larger, although that could be the bloat everyone talks about. And the fact that I keep eating a lot. I’ve been searching on blogs about the first trimester to try and understand what others were thinking and feeling during that time. Like when are you sure? I don’t know if I’ll ever be sure.

I know I’m really lucky that I’ve never lost a baby and I can’t imagine what that’s like. I think this level of paranoia comes from the fact that I’ve never been pregnant before and I almost feel like this is my only chance. It’s not my only chance at IVF – this is the first cycle we’ve tried and we have the ability to have 3 cycles funded by the NHS (bless the NHS!) so in theory if this doesn’t work we would be able to try again. Twice.

But I feel like this has taken a lot out of me emotionally. I’m not complaining of course. I know I’m lucky to have gotten this far and I’m super grateful that our NHS puts us in the position of having funded cycles. We probably wouldn’t be able to afford private treatment. Although I think it’s less about not being able to afford it and more about not being able to imagine putting myself through this more times. I really feel like if this cycle doesn’t work that I would be reticent about doing another cycle – it’s so invasive, and it is emotionally and physically draining. My body hasn’t been mine for 61 days and counting. If we have a live baby at the end then it will be worth it. But if we don’t… it doesn’t bear thinking about.

Really one of my main challenges has been not being able to tell people that I’m pregnant, so not being able to share that understanding and get that support. T is great but he’s just one person and I miss sharing stuff with my girlfriends. At the moment I’ve sort of been avoiding meeting up with friends (as I would usually be the one insisting we order a bottle of wine!) and it feels weird to think that I probably have to make excuses for another 6 weeks. I mean, they know I’ve been overworked but now that my project has just about finished, it means that they’re all trying to organise girls’ nights out and whatnot. I don’t know whether to go along and make excuses but I don’t really think I’d be able to lie to them.

Equally I don’t want to tell people and then something goes wrong and we lose the baby, and then we have to tell everyone… or respond to questions when they ask. That would be awful. And I’ve known people who had a loss very far down the line. I don’t know how they would deal with it. I don’t think I am a very strong person in that way so I don’t even want to think about it.

But I do.

I’ve done a calendar online so I know what week we are in, so I know when to expect in relation to other social events. I’m pretty much writing off the whole of June because that’s where we are now (I’m just pretending to ignore social invitations rather than making excuses) and then July because that will be our final weeks of the first trimester. In week 10 we are going for a little long weekend break with Dog (I’m very excited; Dog less so) and then in Week 11 my best friend who lives abroad is going to be in the UK for a bit in July and we’re going for a spa day. I’m not sure how I will manage to hide anything, not because I’m going to be showing a bump or anything but because I am usually the first one on the bubbly when we go to the spa!

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll probably have to tell some people “early”. Not many people. For example I’m going to see my parents next weekend, and in our household there is wine at every meal. (Even breakfast! Kidding!) Basically there’s no chance that I would be able to get away without drinking. It will be just after our first (early) scan and I will be 7 weeks pregnant. Assuming it all sticks. (AAAAAH I don’t like this worrying!) And then I guess our next scan will be something arranged with the GP. Do they do the 12 week scan at 12 weeks? I’ve no idea about these things. I guess most people start telling people around then, but I kind of think I probably won’t tell anyone unless I see them in person and I have to explain.

I’ve looked up the work situation and I don’t have to tell them until I’m 25 weeks pregnant! That is a really long time! I’m assuming they might have an inkling before then.

Anyway, that’s my blethering for today. Anyone who has any advice on the waiting game… Let me have it!


Day 56: Pizza baby

I think I’m carrying a pizza baby.

It’s day 56 and according to the fertility friends IVF calculator I’m 4 weeks, 6 days pregnant. That is mindboggling.

I don’t know how to distinguish the symptoms I have as being specifically related to pregnancy versus just being me (ie a bit weird).

Firstly, I’ve been overwhelmingly tired. I mean really tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. I’ve just wanted to sleep and I actually feel verging on comatose and I don’t know why. Now that my project-from-hell is coming to an end, my hours of work have evened out a bit and I’m able to sleep and travel less so I should be able to feel a lot less tired. But I feel exhausted.

It might be to do with the fact that I haven’t had any coffee for a bit. Actually after the transfer I asked whether I could drink coffee and they said it was fine in moderation. I usually have a double espresso when I wake up or when I get to work (and sometimes a black Americano) because I sleep about 4hrs a night when I’m working really hard. But then I consulted Dr Google (the quack!) and found out that it’s generally recommended not to drink caffeine and if so no more than 200mg or something which equates to 1 espresso or a small black Americano, and also that there’s caffeine in chocolate (one of my main food groups) and I thought there is no point in risking miscarriage if I can just stop drinking coffee for a bit. Minor annoyance is I’ve bought a load of new Nespresso capsules, but quite frankly that’s #firstworldproblems in comparison to being pregnant after 15 years of infertility(!!!!!!!!! Sorry, over-exclamation there).

So I’m tired. My stomach and boobs have swelled up massively. I mentioned on a previous post that this was half to do with the fact that I’ve just become Fat And Happy. (Okay, I’m not fat as such but I’m not thin like I was for a while. Which is mildly annoying.) Somehow I can’t feel that bad about it. If I can manage to carry a pregnancy to full term then I’m happy to get fat for a while! I’ll lose it later! This is the first ever chance I’ve had to have a baby so I’m not going to be whinging about being fat. I’m looking forward to the idea of having a mega fat-blob bump. I’m cool with it. (Admittedly there’s that bad time where everyone thinks you just got fat.)

I’m pretty spotty. It’s not pretty at all, actually. It’s just lots of spots, more than normal. And added to that I appear to have a craving for pizza. I think this is more of a me thing than a pregnancy thing. I mean, I love pizza and there’s nothing like a good reason to eat pizza. I genuinely don’t think it’s a craving. It’s just me being greedy.

Today was the first day after Monday (Test day – here and here) that I managed to hold off testing. I’ve tested every day since Monday – it’s now Thursday so it isn’t that bad, but I still felt compelled to check. But at just under a tenner for each test, it doesn’t seem like the best use of resources, and I now have 4 different tests lined up on the side (grim I know!) which show positive. I think I probably need to switch to every other day, and then maybe every 3 days, until I can wean myself off them. I mean it doesn’t change anything to find out if I’ve miscarried and I guess I would know if that happened. It’s just such a novelty to do a test and to see the line appear (or “Pregnant” on the digital ones). It’s like I need reassurance that it actually is happening and not some duff test that’s given a false positive. Not sure how I’d know if that were the case, though. I think I’m going batty.

I’ve also had this weird achey thing in my limbs. I actually had an awful ache last night – so bad that I couldn’t go out and just had to lie there groaning on the sofa whilst T went out for a social. I was intending to go but I had this massive pain in my arm and shoulder – I think it was because I’d lifted a heavy bag – and it was like I had a dead arm and it was horrible. I’ve also noticed general leg pain. It may be because I’m not taking any painkillers when I am Ms Hypochondriac and usually pop pills at the first sign of anything.

Finally I still have this thing where I have a strange taste in my mouth. Now, right now it might just be the left over pizza I ate for lunch, but generally it’s a strange taste. It sort of makes me feel better actually as it’s a symptom I can pin something on! And it’s not that bad. I think of it as a pregnancy taste. I haven’t stopped wanting my usual foods (cf pizza above) and I haven’t been sick or anything. I’m rarely sick so that would be out of character. I am fine with not being sick. I’d like to get a bump or something but I’ve no idea when that typically comes. Like I said previously, I’ve never done much research into pregnancy as I never thought I’d ever be pregnant… I am like a clueless kid in that respect! I actually started thinking the other night about possibly having to give birth (I still am very much of the mindset that I won’t believe it’s happening till it happens) and having a mild panic about that. If I make it to 6 months I might have to start googling elective caesarian…

I had a call with the doctor today and she was happy to prescribe me more Crinone. The first time I can get an appointment is in a couple of weeks and I was going to run out before then, so I can go and pick it up from the pharmacy. They told me I’d have to keep using it until 12 weeks. It’s really not a problem at all although it does give some fairly alarming discharge (TMI, sorry). It’s better than having to give bum shots which from what I read some people have to do! Poor them! I don’t mind doing injections but it’s more of a palaver in the morning whereas the Crinone is pretty simple. It’s a bit like an applicator tampon with some gunge in and you just squeeze the bulb at the end to deposit the gunge… It does seem weird but you get used to it. With IVF you get used to every sort of indignity! I’m still not a fan of stirrups though, I have to say. It seems somehow worse when your legs are splayed in the stirrups rather than being arranged of your own accord.

Other than that, I have my first pregnancy GP appointment in 2 weeks. I can’t believe it. I’m hoping my little baby T can hang on till then. Then we have our first scan that week too. I’m still super untrusting that it’s going to happen. I so want it to be okay but I know that miscarriages happen very often and I’ve never even been pregnant before so what are the chances… I know everyone keeps saying think positive but it’s scary to think. I guess at least we know now that the process works up to this stage. I just don’t like the thought of having to go through it all again – selfishly, I feel like it’s taken a lot out of my physically, and emotionally it’s a balance of relief at being pregnant finally and fear that it might not last.

Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.

I won’t be making any cheesy announcements on Facebook. I haven’t even told my best friends. Right now it’s just between me and T… and you guys! I can’t bear the idea that we might have gone through all this long and arduous process and we might not end up with a baby at the end of it. Equally I’m scared that we will end up with a baby at the end of it! Seriously! I took a look at our household and thought, where will we put the baby? It’s a household that’s run by a small dog! There are dog toys scattered all over the floor. I am an absolute mess fiend, I mean I’m one of the most untidy people I know. I’m terrible. I can make anything into a mess. The great thing is that T is not and he does go around tidying up and he’s been amazing since we have been going through all of this, and with me working long hours. I’ve found myself getting a bit lazy as I know he will do a better job of tidying than I will. (I know: I’m a terrible person.) I don’t think I’ll feel that it’s real until we can go and buy a cot and a buggy and so on.

So, no Facebook. I want to tell my family and my best friends. My SIL is pregnant right now and quite far along. I think they told us when they were 8 weeks, but that’s probably as they were more confident in the process (they already have one child)… and also because family occasions require drinking! I’m due to see my parents in a few weeks, after my first scan, so I’m hoping that I’ll be able to tell them then. It’s early but I would probably have to say anything before they ply me with wine – it’s practically obligatory in my household. We’re very European in that way! Drinks with every meal! I would like to tell them though as my mum has tried to talk to me about infertility before (when I had my various operations) and I’ve always resisted as it was too painful to talk about, especially when my marriage was on the rocks. So it would be really nice to give them some good news. They’ve had a bit of bad news lately so I’d like to be the bearer of good news. I found it really difficult to deal with my brother’s first baby being born – whilst I was going through various ops and so on for infertility, and having marriage problems – and I feel like this could be nice news for a change.

What next? I don’t know… I’m just taking each day as it comes. I don’t think for those of us who have suffered with infertility that there ever is a time when we feel like a pregnancy is “safe”. We don’t take it for granted. I’m not going to think it’s safe to tell everyone at 12 weeks. I can’t see myself making any Facebook announcement until there is a baby outside of me! I don’t think I will think it is actually happening until I have a real live baby (and then there’s a whole other set of anxieties!). That said… my generally philosophy on life is that there is no point worrying [unduly] about things you can’t change. If something bad happens to this pregnancy, it won’t be affected if I worry or if I don’t worry. All I can do is try to enjoy it (for now it’s my delicious little secret… whereas everyone at work probably just thinks I am fat and tired looking, haha) and hope for the best.

Here’s hoping…

Day 54: Clearer-blue

Just for continuity, I decided to replicate the not-so-Clearblue test this morning, as a control, because I like to think of myself as vaguely scientific and slightly irrational, before informing the doctor. It was a lot clearer this time… I think this is a safe cross! Whoop whoop. This was at 04:30 this morning as I tend to wake up at various times during the night and need the loo. T of course was delighted to be woken up at that time with the good news!

IMG_0307 (1)


I’m now feeling very worried about things as I’ve read up on chemical pregnancies and so on, and I’m not sure what to expect, and I want to know when we can be into the “safe” (ish) stage.

I know it probably sounds really pathetic but I’ve never been pregnant before and I don’t know what it should feel like. I don’t even know what to expect in terms of appointments, because I’m that kind of pessimistic realistic person who wasn’t expecting anything to work. I mean, I’m hopeful obviously or we wouldn’t try doing it. But I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed. So I haven’t even looked into what to expect. I had to look up the piece of paper they gave us after transfer and it says if we have a positive test then we go in for an early scan in 2-3 weeks. I’m guessing you can’t see anything at that time? We’re just supposed to email them and let them know the result of the test. And carry on using the Crinone gel… lovely. I’ve no idea what to expect though. I’ve never got this far before. I mean I’ve never even really suspected I’ve been pregnant before.

I read this stuff when people are upset because they haven’t gotten pregnant in a year, and I think mine has been at least 15 years… Perhaps I should have gotten upset sooner? Have I screwed up somehow? I just kind of always assumed it was a problem that couldn’t be fixed. (I’ve been lucky that it’s just very long term unexplained infertility and I’ve never lost a pregnancy – I’ve just never been pregnant.) Maybe this is why I don’t feel the same sort of grief as some people seem to on their blogs… I am not denigrating their experience at all; just trying to explain how I feel about it. Like to me all this is a nice bonus and not a life or death situation. I still would like to think that I could have a happy life without children, but whilst we’re in with a chance, I’ll give it my best shot.

I had a nice day off yesterday (Test Day! And again!). It was so nice to chill out and not have to do a load of stuff. Although I did do quite a lot! Went to the mall after all the drama over the pregnancy test. I ended up buying lots of them! (Thanks Arwen!) I have used the digital one which I posted yesterday, and the Clearblue cross one I used again today. I don’t think those ones are that great but it was good as a control and to see it had changed since yesterday. I also have the First Response ones which I’ll maybe use tomorrow(!) or something. I guess I should probably stop using one a day! It makes me feel a bit better that something might actually be there. I wonder how often you’re supposed to test?!

I also got some clothes, including some “sitting around the house” pants with anchors on* which I said to T were some additional pregnancy pants. To be fair, I do pretty much strip off when I get in, and put on something more comfortable. Usually some very baggy pants and a sweatshirt with pizza and hotdogs on it. (Cartoons of my favourite foods, not actual food… That would be a bit gross.) I just like to relax when I get in. Take the bra off! Seriously, those puppies are getting huge. I think it’s the Crinone gel which if I understand correctly is supposed to make your boobs bigger and some other stuff. Who knows. Either way I would rather not have these humunga-boobs. (I prefer not to know too much about what’s happening as then I don’t worry a load. But maybe I should look up something!)

(*I pretty much have 3 themes when it comes to clothes: Black – for work; nautical – for smart-ish casual; cartoon animals – for play. I’ve terrible dress sense. Let’s just agree that right now and be done with it.)

I’ve also had this weird metallic taste in my mouth. I don’t know if it’s actually metallic. Maybe it’s the folic acid I’ve been taking. I don’t know. It feels a bit weird. I’ve felt a bit sick but I’m not sure if that’s just some sort of wishful thinking pregnancy-symptom-sympathy or whether it’s an actual symptom. I don’t think it comes on this early. I also have a swollen stomach and generally feel periody, so I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad sign either. I’m not trying to second guess symptoms too much, but I would really like not to start my period!

Anyway my pregnancy-ish mood* meant that I went and spent a load of money in the mall – my reason being that I don’t often get a day off and I generally feel like I should spend that with Dog and T, and not going around shopping. I don’t shop that often because I’m usually walking around the place with an excitable furry thing (and for some reason London isn’t very dog friendly – boo!). I had an unsuccessful attempt at ASOS last week – never again – well, not until I grow a foot. Every single thing I ordered was mega long! How I wish I was tall and willowy but I’m not. I think I’m probably better in shops where I can try stuff on. And realise “Gosh I am really no Angelina Jolie” and reach for the sweatpants.

(*This is my excuse for everything from now on. I had a bacon sandwich this morning and told T that it must be a craving rather than sheer greed.)

I ended up going to H&M and getting some lounge pants (the anchor ones above and some others which are probably a bit questionable! but you can’t have too many lounge pants!) and Uniqlo (made for short people like me) where I got a few dresses and skirts – useful stuff for work. It’s boring but it makes me feel better to have stuff I can wear to work rather than feeling I have to cycle round the same 3 dresses. I’ve put on a lot of weight over the last year or two (half of it is Happy Weight, and I was probably underweight to begin with through relationship breakdown etc) but half of it is probably just having a quite unhealthy working-late eating-late lifestyle. I would like to get away from that and be a bit healthier, but I love pizza! Pizza is magic.

Also ended up getting a new phone because my last one has carked it. (I don’t think this is a very interesting update really but I’m trying to demonstrate the breadth of my trip to the mall.) I went into a shop and bought a phone. How very grown up of me! The girl there had just started so was sooo happy to have sold a phone on her first day! It was very sweet. I decided to pay for the whole thing and go for a SIM only pay-as-you-go thing as it’s actually cheaper, although it seems nuts when you spend that much in one go. I’m literally (okay not literally) surgically attached to my phone. My current phone has decided not to play ball any more and it’s distressing. How am I supposed to live my life! Well I’ve finally managed to pay off some debts (T is a sensible type and thinks we should have no debts before having a bub, whereas I’m a spender) so I thought I have enough to pay for it. Anyway I got given a new number as I’ve switched networks. It looks like a really nice number! But I’ve had my number since 1999 and so I was weighing up whether to switch it or not. I’m thinking not. Although I do like the look of the new number. But if you’ve had something for 16 years, maybe you should just stick with it…

We had a nice date night swanky meal last night. It was at a funny restaurant at the top of a hotel and you can see out over London. I’ve been working so much lately that it was really nice just to go out on a date! Also I felt less guilty at leaving Dog at home as I’d been home with him a lot of the day. It was nice just to spend time together in a non IVF / sitting on the sofa watching DVDs setting! I suppose it was supposed to be a commiserations meal as I would have drunk loads of champagne if it had been a negative test yesterday. As it turned out, we decided not to drink, which made the bill a lot cheaper! Imagine if I have to spend 9 months not drinking!! Eek. I mean, I’m British… It’s what we do. I’ve found it okay not to drink so far but I haven’t been in a social situation where I’ll be expected to drink. T says just to take the glass and pretend to drink and nobody will notice. If we make it that far, I don’t want to tell anyone we’re pregnant until it’s a done deal, ie when I’m very very obviously pregnant, about 6 months! I wonder if we will make it.

It almost seems too easy… Like something has to go wrong now. We’ve been through all the IVF process and it seems almost unfathomable that we could be the 25-30% of couples it works for. There were 12 couples in our “intake” (like school! We all did the IVF orientation / info session on the same day) so that means out of all 12 there should be 2-3 couples who it worked for.

Could it be us?