I don’t have any fancy resolutions. My usual one is to Be Happy (insofar as that is under my control) and I feel like I accomplished that pretty well in 2018. I don’t think it’s so much about forcing oneself to be happy in desperate situations but trying to find the joy in life, no matter how small. Of course that is much easier when life goes your way and less easy when it’s all piling up against you. So I’ve been lucky this year and I’m very grateful.
We saw in the new year at home. We are lucky enough with our terrace that we get to see fireworks in both directions, and our local friends popped round and we drank some pink champagne and B danced to Madness on the telly (as that’s who was seeing in new year on the BBC). It was very understated and it was very nice. (Dog was out on the terrace with us, putting paid to any idea that he is scared of fireworks.)
There are definitely parts of my life that niggle. We need to get our flat sorted out. We have boxes and boxes of stuff from storage and I need to go through them and get rid of stuff. It’s a tedious admin job. So maybe I need to resolve to get rid of them all by the end of the year! I think that’s doable.
The other mild annoyance is work and not getting promoted. I was told by the big boss that they won’t consider it until someone’s been there three years, but that’s rubbish as people did get promoted before then. But then I remind myself that I quite like my job and it’s not horrific and they’re nice people and I get paid enough for what I do. (I’m not about the money because I want to be rich. I just want to retire as early as possible and spend time with my family.) I guess I just need to keep plugging away at that.
Funnily enough the online adoption community has gotten to be a bit of a joy sucker this year. I haven’t really blogged about it because I don’t want to give oxygen to it. But it’s always surprising to me how there seems to be a cycle of craziness and drama that comes around about once a year with these things.
Suffice to say that it got a bit out of hand this past year, resulting in some personal attacks, and that wasn’t fun. But did consolidate in my mind who my (online) friends are and also the boundaries that need to be put in place to deal with them. I think the sad fact is there will be difficult and vindictive people in every sphere of life, and it’s just something you have to minimise your exposure to if you want to be happy.
Other than that – B is a constant source of joy. Not that he tries to be. He’s heading into his terrible twos but I think he got there early! I think it’s difficult for me to be cross at him because I always find it cute and funny when he has a tantrum, and I also relate to him as a toddler because really all he is doing is expressing himself in an uncensored way, and wouldn’t we all like to do that!
It is really great to see how he’s growing and learning and developing. He’s a very physical kid. Always active when he’s awake (and often when asleep) and loves climbing over things. It’s quite scary but also fun to watch him developing.
He can say words but a lot of them are ones of his own invention. He has finally learned to distinguish between Mama and Papa – for ages he called both of us Mama! He likes singing and dancing. He adores a guy called Blippi (on YouTube and Amazon Prime – he’s a guy who dresses in blue and orange and explains stuff in a very enthusiastic way to young kids).
Our first NCT (antenatal group) #2 was born on Christmas Day. And B’s bestie (the little girl he caught chickenpox from!) has a sibling due shortly. Cue lots of excited photos and videos and tales of how amazing it is to have a sibling. It does sometimes feel like a bit of a jab when people go on about siblings because we can’t easily give B a sibling. I mean, we could try the whole process again (IVF, immune therapy, and might need an endo op before then) but it isn’t something we have chosen to pursue. I guess one day B might be sad about this and wish we had. I hope that if/when that happens, he will be happy enough with just us.
One thing I’ve found that now I’m squarely in my forties I don’t seem to have the appetite for self-admonishment so much. I spent so much of my time when I was younger feeling bad about myself. I don’t know if it is down to age or becoming a mother but I just don’t want to spend all the time berating myself any more. I feel more accepting of myself now.
I guess part of it is wanting B to know that his mother doesn’t hate herself. I know that’s a small thing but I think my mother always did a bit and that rubbed off on us. And some of it is developing my thoughts and feelings of being adopted. And forgiving myself a bit. Maybe forgiving both my mothers… I don’t know. It’s an evolving thing. My adopted sibling and I had a good heart to heart about it a while ago. I think it’s an ongoing process. But I feel it’s more important to be kinder to myself and others as I get older.
So – 2019! We are in the future!
Hope you have a very happy new year! I’ll just be here eating stuff from the hamper I won at work. (I never win anything… Finally I did!)