Day 70: A little blob with a flicker

Let me start off by saying I’m still worried. Maybe this is just me and my low expectations but I guess I’ll carry on worrying until / if we get to 12 weeks. And then I’ll probably worry some more. It’s not bad news but it’s not good news… It’s just news. Well, he’s still hanging on.

Anyway, as you can see… We had an ultrasound and here he is.

Introducing: Pizza Baby.

(This is a bad phone picture of a print out.) Right now Pizza Baby is 5.3 mm. This means he’s very on the small side. According to my pregnancy app, I’m one day off Week 7 and at week 7 he should be 1.3cm. At Week 6 he should be 6mm. And he’s still smaller than Week 6. They said it was fine and as expected but…

I think I have anxiety because from the outset the nurse was like “This is very early for a scan” and then she was digging around with the wand and then had to get the doctor to come in and everything and then they said “It’s not very clear” and so on. They just sort of seemed to be being a bit… delaying things, or fobbing us off. She kept saying it wasn’t clear enough although the doctor said he could see the heart beat.

To my mind he just looked like a round black blob. And there was a flicker of white on one side. Obviously it was massively magnified as the little guy is like Week 6 size or a bit smaller, so he’s half a centimeter which isn’t very large at all. So the little flicker is probably like less than a millimeter.

In the end they said in order to put my mind at ease (as if!) they would do another scan this time next week. So that’s another week’s wait. I mean it’s obviously more like 5 weeks wait (for a 12 week scan) unless something goes obviously wrong before then. But I just felt like they weren’t telling us something.

T says I have to stop worrying as it’s bad for the baby and he seems to feel absolutely fine about it. I mean, he keeps referring to “the baby” and saying I’m pregnant and need to take it easy and stop worrying. Oh and stop being anxious because it’s bad for the baby. (This is right up there with Just relax and you’ll get pregnant in my book. Easier said than done.)

We saw the nurse afterwards and she was quite matter of fact (not my favourite lovely nurse who is the most reassuring nurse in the world) and she said that everything is fine. And I asked why we were having another scan and she said lots of hospitals would discharge us now to the doctor (as in go back to the normal GP and not be a special case) but they felt that the scan wasn’t very clear and wanted to give us “the benefit of an extra scan”. And also that it was booked in early. (I don’t think it was booked in early – I mean, it was booked in by the fertility nurse and is apparently a normal time to have an early scan.)

So I sort of feel in limbo. I still don’t feel elated or anything. I felt nervous and almost like I was going to cry before the scan. I now feel like… What if he isn’t growing? He’s already on the small side. Why are they giving me an extra scan? Is there something wrong? etc etc.

I bet this sounds really stupid and ungrateful and I’m truly grateful that I’ve managed to come this far. I really am. It just feels more worrying somehow. And I find myself feeling really resentful of normal women who just get p!ssed and instantly get up the duff (pretty much all my friends) and don’t worry at all about pregnancy, announce it really early, sail through it, don’t worry about symptoms and miscarriage and everything. I don’t think they even do anything for the first 3 months. I could be wrong, but I think they just relax and wait for the first trimester to be over.

And the other thing is, in the UK we don’t have all the tests you guys in US/Canada seem to have. We don’t have bloods taken or anything. I just have Crinone (progesterone gel) which I’m supposed to take until week 10-12 and folic acid and the odd ultrasound. If we hadn’t scheduled an extra one for next week then I think I wouldn’t have anything until an ultrasound at 12 weeks, and normal people just have that one and nothing before. Go figure! I’m not sure if this level of testing puts my mind at ease or whether I’d feel better having tests more often. I think I would probably feel better if I had the blood tests, betas and whatnot as at least I would see some sort of progress. I guess if we go back next week and he’s still 5.3mm (or worse, disappeared) then we would know.

 

Oh and now it’s time for a mini vent…

I have this one friend who I feel like it’s really difficult to remain friends with. She is just the smuggest person in the whole entire world. She was always a real party girl and drank loads and it’s like everything she wanted just fell in her lap. She wanted to get into a relationship – done. Wanted to get married – he proposed (after being told to). She was even really quite old to be thinking of getting married and starting a family (40+) and yet decided she’d stay on birth control until after the wedding because she didn’t want to get pregnant before getting married. You’d think the odds were low for conceiving in your forties with a really unhealthy lifestyle – heavy drinking and overweight – but no, when does she conceive but on her honeymoon. Whilst drinking.

To add insult to injury I’ve had a really tough time at work and whilst she was pregnant, T lost his job so we were completely stressed and strapped for cash. During her pregnancy she decided she didn’t want to work any more so gave up work. Sold a house, bought a house. Spends her days doing nothing but counting up money and being smug. (Do I sound bitter? I am bitter.) Also I might add that she always expects a lot from people financially – like she picks out her own expensive birthday presents from Tiffany & Co and expects everyone to donate, and even booked her own hen do in a really inconvenient out of the way expensive place and demanded we all paid her the money. Probably at a profit to her. I wouldn’t put it past her. It’s not like she is generous either – she is the stingiest present giver in the world. One year I got her MAC makeup. Her most recent present to me was a second hand book and the previous one was some stickers to put on your nails. (I am not 16 and the likelihood of me wearing nail art in my corporate office is nil.)

She’s now had the baby and we are expected every time she’s in town to make some sort of pilgrimage to go and see the baby. (Just to be uncharitable for a minute, it is a very weird looking baby. Miaow. Then again, ugly babies make cute adults in my experience so it’s probably going to be a looker.) I mean… Every. Time. And she actually messages me each time to try and harangue me into going to see her (and THE BABY), even though it’s usually at some out of the way location which would take over an hour to get to, and she books The Visitation at 6pm or something (when anyone with a job in the city is still at work). And even though I told her I was working 18 hour days. Another time she was demanding everyone made a trip out of town (I don’t have a car) which would have been a 5-6 hour round trip on a Sunday. I said no thanks.

So yesterday there was another invitation from this friend, and another smuggy smug ultrasound on Facebook (different people) and I just felt like screaming.

Why can’t I just enjoy this pregnancy?

Why does everyone else get to be all happy and pregnant and I just feel anxious?

Answers on a postcard…