Day 69: Spring clean

I’m just waiting… and trying not to go mental waiting. It seems absolutely unfair that you have to wait soooo long to try and be moderately assured that you might have a normal pregnancy. I’ve also been having a little rant to myself about how unfair it is that other people just get pregnant and don’t worry about it. (I know… We’ve all been there… Welcome to Pityville – Population: Me.)

Anyway…

We have our first scan tomorrow. I will be just-off-7-weeks: 6 weeks 6 days pregnant, according to the fertility IVF calculator thingy. (I still can’t work out how that works, but if it says I’m getting closer to 12 weeks then I’ll take it.)

EXCITING! But also scary. I know I’ve joked that I’m worried that little baby T might be made of pizza, but my main worry is that there are tonnes of things that could go wrong and this is the first opportunity they might have to spot it.

Maybe I’m not in the right frame of mind about this. I’ve been quite hermit-like lately what with the hayfever and the pregnancy. I don’t know how long I can keep it up without going a bit mad. I am a social person (who likes drinking socially, not to excess mind you… unless you count British drinking as excess, which let’s face it, most other countries probably do) and I miss that. But I also feel pretty dodgy in myself, as in I feel overly hormonal and PMT-like and I also have horrific hayfever. It means I haven’t been sleeping well which then has a knock on effect at work. I also feel super tired and I seem to spend most of the time outside of work just sitting on the sofa, trying to breathe (I’ve had to use my inhaler a lot) and sleeping. Not much fun for T, sadly, although I’ve been making a great squishy cushion for Dog.

CAVEAT: I know that I’m lucky to have gotten this far, and I’m super grateful to have been able to do this with minimal financial investment (Dog bless the NHS) and I know that I am way luckier than lots of people, and I want you to know that I’m not ungrateful at all for this opportunity. I don’t want to be all ooh, I had IVF and I got pregnant first time and I’m whinging about it because that’s just annoying. I’m just feeling kind of vulnerable and anxious about how viable the baby is right now and if you can’t vent on your own blog, where can you? I promise this does not negate the fact that I’m grateful and everything.

It’s like: I now have this little life (pizza?) inside me and suddenly I’ve gone from being all blasé about it possibly not working (why would it when I’ve never managed to get pregnant in 15ish years when I could have done?) to suddenly being invested. I know I’m not one of those people for whom having a baby is the absolute be all and end all – how could it be when I never thought I could? and we’re happy as a couple and we have a fun nice life – but it’s different now, because I wouldn’t just not been able to have one – I’d have lost one.

In the spirit of keeping myself busy, I’ve done a little spring clean on my blog. Do you like it? I was getting annoyed with the last theme. I wanted something simple and clean (a lovely contrast to my not-simple and not-clean mind!) and so it’s been perked up a bit. Let me know what you think.

I also thought it was worth pointing out to my regular readers (ha ha!) that I did actually get around to updating my About Me page. So if you want to know more about me and my story, then feel free to check it out.

I’m trying to take each day as it comes, but I’m pretty anxious about the whole thing. I think the worst thing would be to come this far and then finally having gotten used to the idea of having a baby, for that to be snatched away again. It has been so great to find this world of infertility blogging and “meet” all you fantastic people, but it’s also made me feel really aware of the multitude of things that could go wrong. I mean, I’ve only had long term infertility – I’ve never actually lost a pregnancy, because I’ve never been pregnant. So suddenly to be faced with the prospect of losing it… I don’t like that idea at all.

Anyway… I’ll try not to have a breakdown before tomorrow. Scan is tomorrow morning UK time so by the time a lot of you are up, I’ll be able to post an update. I’m just praying (in a non-denominational agnosticky kind of way) that it will be positive news. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer! I promise if it’s good news I will be squealing through cyberspace!

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15 comments

  1. j&c

    Love the new look of the blog. Very crisp! I am a classic Debby Downer so I totally get why you are so worried about your pregnancy. I would be too. I always imagine the worst thing is going to happen. My fiancé says it’s a terrible way to live, but it’s the only way I’ve ever known. I see it as I won’t ever be disappointed and if it doesn’t go terribly wrong (which usually things don’t go terribly wrong) then I will be very joyful. I would tell you to try and stay positive but I know that won’t help. I can send you prayers, positive thoughts, and calming energy your way. Keep us updated. 😃

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    • Nara

      Thanks… Glad you like the spring cleaned blog! I am just replying now as I’ve been really anxious. Scan is very soon so will know in less than an hour what’s going on. (See my update to Arwen below.) I think I’m just being really paranoid and I really hope it’s okay. The test this morning didn’t help. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My Perfect Breakdown

    As you know I haven’t had the best luck in the pregnancy department, so I absolutely understand your fears! I think anyone who has struggled to get pregnant has the fears, and I suspect even those who haven’t struggled sill have these fears. So, I think what you are going through is completely normal!!
    Well, maybe not the fear that your baby is actually just pizza, that one might just be unique to you, but unique in a good way! 🙂
    I am looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning and reading your update! I am hoping for only good news!! 🙂

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    • Nara

      Thank you! I’ll let you know shortly when I know. I am just hoping I don’t have to get bad news and then have to come back to work as I don’t think I will cope. I shouldn’t have taken that test this morning as it’s just made me feel awful. 😦

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  3. pinksnow78

    I totally get where you’re at. Looking forward to reading your update tomorrow and hopefully seeing your lovely scan photo x

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  4. notabroodychick

    I don’t think you are the only one in the pityville population just now! It is just so hard not knowing if all is going well in there.. At least in less than 24 hours you will know.. I’ve got another week to wait yet! Loved the baby pizza photo you found 🙂 looking forward to tomorrow’s update!

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  5. ashleykyleanderson

    Ugh, I know what you mean. We felt that the wait till the first scan was almost unbearable, especially since we were not aware it would be difficult ahead of time. Our carrier felt the same way and thinks that it was worse than the 2 week wait. I know you are a little behind us (like 2ish weeks) but I feel like I’ve been waiting forever for your first scan too! We have our next one on Friday but if all is good I think we will have to live in the dark for a long time because our first regular OB appointment won’t even include an ultrasound. I don’t know how anyone can stand the wait to get from one thing to the next! It’s enough to drive you crazy (or crazier in my case- I reached crazy a long time ago). I’m hoping to hear good news soon about your little-one-that-is-definitely-not-a-pizza!

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  6. thecommonostrich

    Every time I went in for an ultrasound, I was convinced that the tech would tell me that there was something– anything– other than a baby in my uterus. A toy truck, my lost car keys… This didn’t wear off until about I had a scan at 13 weeks when I realize there was an actual baby hanging out in there.

    Until then, it may just feel like a pizza. And that’s okay.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Arwen

    Sitting here stalking you like crazy for the update!
    The first scan wait is somehow the worst but it does get easier, even when the waits get longer!!
    Hoping for a good looking healthy blob!

    Like

    • Nara

      Aww thanks. I haven’t replied to everyone yet as I’ve kind of got myself into a tizz. 😦
      Did a test this morning – Clearblue Digital – and it said 2-3 weeks pregnant. I’m supposed to be a day off 7. Even if you take off the 2 weeks from last period to conception it still doesn’t look good. 😦
      I’ve been frantically googling and the Internet seems to say that they’re not very reliable. But I’m in a bit of a state about it. Luckily the scan is in half an hour. Or unluckily. I don’t want to know if it’s bad news. 😦

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      • Arwen

        Oh love, step away from Dr Google and those STUPID tests, they are the most inaccurate things available. Try and stay calm. I believe in Pizza Baby!

        Liked by 1 person

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